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It was Her
She had told me calmly of her feelings. She knew much more of me then I could have ever imagined. She knew more then even her mind let on. I had never met a human whose mind worked on so many levels. She could hide her thought from my prying mind. She could hide all of her ideas, suggestions, and desires from her eyes. She left me with no hints or clues, nothing to give me a trail.
It was always something unexpected with her. She was so easy to read yet she was able to hide things from me so well. It was infuriating. The way she played with me, my mind like her toy of amusement.
Her expressions though and the way she smiled, her smirk when she told me something. The looks I gave her, she remembered them and laughed. Those little things made it worth it. In all the ways she angered me, aggravated me, her smile made it instantly worth it. As long as I could make her happy, as long as I knew she was happy that was all I needed in order to continue. All my anger faded away.
She was like a drug to me; a strong, untainted, electrifying drug that created an ever lasting world of perfection. She was only human though, something in which I was forbidden to have, to hold, to be with. I would only cause her pain, make her suffer. As much, and as often as she told me this wasn’t true I knew it was. I knew how this would work out. It could end horribly.
Her encouragement meant so much but I worried even still. I knew it could end badly but she told me that she knew it wouldn’t. She told me that she was sure, I would never hurt her. She told me that she trusted me. It infuriated me. She should fear my existence. She should run away and fear and stay away, but no. She stayed close, taunting me with what I wanted, what I needed.
I hated it, but I couldn’t leave her side. I refused to let myself hurt her. My will had to be strong to keep her safe from myself. No matter what she thought, no matter how strong she believed I was, she didn’t know what could happen. No matter what she believed, she didn’t understand.
Thinking back to when we first met I wonder if maybe I should have left then. I had no idea of what would happen only a few years later, her sudden interest in me and my family, her sudden curiosity that kept me on my toes, my constant worry of her speaking of her ideas. I always had to listen closely to her thoughts only to find out later that I had missed so much. I had to find out through her words just how complicated her mind was.
Over the year I learned more about her. I learned things that made me suspicious of her past. So I continued to ask questions, her memory was different then others though. She was missing pieces to the puzzle of her memory. There were blocks and times and things she should have been able to remember but she couldn’t. So many things she couldn’t answer and far too many things that she continued to keep hidden from me. She had a strong unwillingness to share certain details. I thought she kept too much to herself, kept too much hidden from me.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to push the issue. I didn’t want to demand answers from her, no matter how badly I wanted to know something. I felt, no, I knew she would tell me when she wanted too. I didn’t always like waiting though; especially if I thought it was about something going on now.
She had told me many times before that I worried far too much. I usually just gave her a look and she’d giggle. I liked how easily amused she was. It made me want to spend more time with her, but it still reminded me of how if I made one mistake I could make that smile disappear forever. I couldn’t stand it if I took away her smile. So I hope I never do.
I glanced out my bedroom window; it was raining again, no surprise. The evening was coming to an end; morning was soon to break through the dark sky. I would see her again soon.
