Finding Kaedin

Method Six: Foundling

By Jessica Jay

Chapter Three -- (Tokori)

Tokori was a comely girl of fourteen summers. Raised in the western province of Gheed, she lived on the very frontiers of the Krimeon war from the day she was born, and so talk of war and the ringing of alarms were but background noises in her childhood. Now the alarms were silent, mothers put their babies to bed at night without fear, and the men grumbled as they marched down to the memorial.

The time had come to honour the dead - some bodies were still to be recovered from the battlefields, but all the same Vellore City, in the province of Gheed, built a cemetery to remember those who had died. Tokori walked at the front of the procession, beside her mother and behind her father, the Marquis of Gheed. Walking slowly, feet shuffling, he held the clay urn in which her brother's ashes were stored. Eyes downcast, she tried to match her steps to his, feeling a heavy weight sitting on her chest.

Had the war ended but one month earlier, just one month, perhaps she would be walking beside him. Her mother would walk at her father's side and he wouldn't be the lonely man who led his people to place the remains of their dead. Lord Illiberra, she prayed in her head, as she so often did. You are too cruel.

Those words made her eyes sting, made her face burn, and with her mother already weeping softly at her side she couldn't stop a torrent of tears from welling up again. They had done this once; had already cried until they were too weak to move on the night her father had come home with Anane's broken body in his arms. This was only a reminder, an echo of her feelings from that time.

A month later the king of Noellia and the council in Krimeon finally agreed on a peace treaty. A truce, the war ended, but her brother was still dead. She wiped her tears with gloved hands, shuddering with every breath she took. The weight on her chest made it harder, it made her feel heavy and tired, as if she could just sleep until it was over. She wished she could just sleep until the pain was gone.

When they reached the memorial she was blinded. It was built of white stones dragged up from the river, and there was a place for each family in Vellore to lay the ashes and urns of their dead. There was no ceremony, each family simply found a stone marker and began quietly reciting prayers for the dead. Her father as well, Marquis of Gheed, went humbly to the grave for their family. He knelt, one knee at a time, and slowly set the clay vessel of her brother before it.

"Lord Illiberra," he began the prayer.

I hate you. She supplied to herself. I hate you, god.

Her father was so far away from her. His broad back was all she could see, and somehow she couldn't reach out and take hold of him. Her mother as well, she sat demurely behind him, head bowed and sobs muffled. She laced her fingers over her lap, grimacing as she cried - choking on her anger. It wasn't fair.

And one by one the families of Vellore, in the province of Gheed, finished their prayers and stood. They went home to their empty houses, to face the empty rooms, and sit in the hollowness of a dead war. Even so, she was startled when her father stood. Reluctantly, she followed him away from the grave, her tears still fresh and streaming down her face. He had no words for her, none for anyone, and as the walked through the gate to their house he was more than silent.

It was so heavy.

The greenery outside their home blurred - she couldn't see it anymore. The rose bushes didn't matter, nor the climbing vines that were just beginning to flower one last time before autumn. When she looked at their home it seemed the only thing her eyes would see was Anane's window. The curtains were still drawn, as if he was having a nap, and she watched that window until they were inside.

The curtains were drawn in the main hall, it was a day for the dead after all, and Tokori walked into that muted darkness as if entering the house of her own grave. Something was odd, however, and her attention was immediately drawn to a large floral arrangement waiting on the hutch. A small scroll was attached and without thinking she reached for it, pulling it open as her parents walked away in silence.

"Oh." Her voice was back, but only because she was so surprised. To the Marquis of Gheed. We, the royal family, have learned of the tragedy which so recently claimed the life of your son. Our condolences on your loss... She wondered if anything ever written before had been so painful to read. It went on but she couldn't quite follow the script. "I-it's from the king."

Her father returned and she made a small noise when he was suddenly beside her. Without a word he lifted the crystal over his head and dashed it on the floor. It exploded, water and flowers and shattering glass. She thought she might have screamed, she must have looked away, because when the noise was gone so was her father. She watched his back as he climbed the stairs and disappeared in the upper levels.

Hands shaking, she dropped the scroll and never did read the rest of what the king had to say. Maids rushed out at the commotion, two of them hurried to clean it up, and the others stood wondering in the doorway. Hushed whispers, and Tokori glared more fiercely than she had ever in her life. What would they know about her father's feelings? What would they know?

The others had complained that he was too indulgent. The Marquis of Gheed kept his son home from the battlefield and safe from danger while the rest of them risked their lives. They wouldn't respect him for it so he had pushed Anane to war. They had rode out together, grim and somehow confident as well. Anane had died in order to appease some whispering gossips. She hated them as well, perhaps more than she hated their god Illiberra.

Each hour of that day was dragged behind the first, one pulling slowly over the other, and Tokori sat silently in her room for most of it. She had pulled the curtains closed, had felt annoyed that the maids had not done so for her, and sat in the dark with her grief. There was no call for dinner, and when her stomach growled at her she wondered why she should have to keep eating and breathing? It seemed pointless.

"Miss?" A knock on her door, softly, and she buried her face in her pillow to ignore the maid. "Miss?" She called again with a louder knock and suddenly her annoyance burst into tears. Leave me alone! Just leave me! "Miss, your father is calling you."

"My father?" She sat up, sniffling, and grabbed in the dark for her handkerchief.

"He's calling for you in the lounge."

"I'll be there shortly." Heart pounding painfully back to life, she wiped her face and brushed her hair, futilely trying to chase away any hint of her grief. He had not called for her in a month, and she had not the heart to go after him. "I'm ready." The light when she opened her door was almost too much and she squinted, feeling a bit disoriented as she padded down the hall to the stairs. The carpet changed at the bottom, a deeper brown colour, and she wiggled her toes in her stockings as she smoothed the lines in her skirt.

"I -" She stopped outside the doorway to the lounge, hands clasped in front. "I'm here, father." When she looked up and inside she started, taking a sharp breath when she saw her father wasn't alone. The Marquis of Landy sat back in their tall red chair, legs crossed in front and a smile on his face when their eyes met. He's lost even more hair. The chair was hardly big enough for him, his huge stomach was squeezed between the arms and she tried not to look at that when she nodded to him.

"Tokori, my dear!" He greeted her in that rumbling mumble of his. She tried on a gracious smile, having almost forgotten what one felt like. "Hello Marquis." Eyes flicking to her father, she bit her lip when he didn't turn away from the window. He was like a statue, not a person in the room but a mere decoration.

"Sit down! Sit down! I've brought you some very good news!" He changed his crossed legs as he spoke, offering her the seat before him as if this were his lounge. "Tokori, we're going to get you out of here."

She stopped, body freezing just as she was about to sit and she rather fell into the chair. "I beg your pardon?"

"I've just come from the castle. It seems that Princess Aliyah has only three maids-in-waiting in her company and has been longing for more. The King and I had a talk about it, you know he's deeply concerned for her." Tokori felt her mind turning numb as he spoke. What did any of that have to do with her? What should she care about a Princess's ladies? Didn't he know what day this was?! "... and, regretting that I had no daughters of my own, I humbly suggested to his majesty the daughter of my good friend the Marquis of Gheed. He sends for you right away, my lady, considering the sad affairs in Gheed of late..."

The weight in her chest had borne straight through and she couldn't breathe because of the hole it made. "I - Wh -"

The Marquis smiled, looking past her as he continued. "I've spoken with your father and he is also anxious to see you at the castle. It will be a much better environment for such a lady. And it wouldn't do any harm to have someone who understands the feelings of Gheed and Landy with the Princess's ear."

"Father?" It was the only word she could manage, and she looked to him desperately. What were they saying? Sending her away? Sending her to the castle to be a Princess's playmate? He turned to look over his shoulder, coughing discreetly into his collar.

"It's as he says, Tokori."

I don't want to! She wanted to scream it, tried to make him see it in her eyes, but her father wouldn't look at her. I don't want to go!

"This will be safest for you, Toko dear."

She may have bit her tongue in half, but somehow kept herself quiet. Not wanting to cause her father more grief, not wanting to shout at him, she only nodded. If that was what he wanted for her, if he wanted to send her far away from her home... No... I don't want that... But she couldn't make the words come out.

š ... ›

It was a beautiful summer day as the carriage arrived at Noellia castle. The sun was setting and washed the white castle walls in shades of red and gold. Tokori stared, open mouthed, and wondered why in the world they called it a castle. It was a palace, to be sure, and for the first time since their journey had started her mind was blank of things she hated.

"Impressive, ne?"

She felt a bit more loose with her tongue in front of the Marquis of Landy. Blowing air haughtily out her nose, she closed her eyes and looked away. "The sunset at home is more brilliant."

"Thank the good Lord Illiberra you don't show that attitude of yours to your father, young lady." He grumbled, clearly disenchanted with her. She didn't much care. "It's despicable."

What's despicable, she wanted to retort, is your using of a friend's daughter to get closer to the King! This stayed safely inside her head and she looked back to the sunset, its beauty now tainted with the bitter reminder of why she was at the castle. The Marquis of Landy wanted the King's ear - wanted him to listen to the plight of all those in the western provinces. They were left adrift when the war ended, lost, alone with their dead.

The King should have sent out his son to quell the rumours... But so far inland, it didn't much matter what the people in the west said about anyone.

The carriage rolled to a stop inside the gates and she felt her heart drop. What would the Princess be like? Spoilt and terrible? She lost the will to force her thoughts in more sunny directions. When a footman came to help her down she grimly set one shoe on the cobbled outer courtyard. One foot, the other, the first again, she wondered if she looked as plodding and ungraceful as she felt, trailing after the Marquis as a valet led them through another set of gates. The actual doors to the castle came after that, opening into a white marble hall.

She hated herself for the lift in her heart. It was so beautiful, she almost smiled, but scowled when the Marquis caught her expression. From there she took her thoughts to dwell on her last moments at the house. In the end her father had not so much as come to say good-bye. Hands twitching at her sides, she laid one over the hole in her chest, trying to breathe normally. What she would have given for just an embrace! For a mere pat on the head! Her body felt numb, twisted and gnarled, as if no one would ever touch her again.

The first great hall led into another, and she craned her head back to gawk at the ceiling. Intricate wooden arches, all carved and inlaid with gold. How the people of the south have honoured their kings... she wanted that to feel sarcastic but found that she was a bit proud. Doubtful that the council in Krimeon had a castle so grand. They did not have a king, but a ring of people selected to lead the country - warmongers and the like. It wouldn't be that way so long as the Noell family ruled over them.

Oh my, she paused a step behind the Marquis. They had come upon some other important looking people. Listen to me... Her thoughts were reciting her father's words.

"Oh no," the fat Marquis was speaking, and she shook her head from reminiscing. "We've only just arrived. I'm sure the Princess is anxiously waiting to meet her."

One of the women, her expression nearly offended, shook her head. "The sun has all but set for today. You are very late in arriving. I'm afraid the Princess has gone to her chambers for the night. Even my Mita has gone her own way."

"Surely the Princess would like to welcome her." The Marquis pressed, pulling his handkerchief from his breast pocket and dabbing at the sweat on his face. Tokori closed her eyes and wished fervently for the woman to send them away - perhaps the Princess had changed her mind and she could just go home!

"Oh my! What hours do they keep in Gheed, I wonder?" The second lady fanned herself, a hand pressed delicately to the side of her face. Tokori was about to switch from wishing to praying when a page approached the lot of them. "Miss Tokori, I wonder?"

She turned, nonplussed, and nodded vaguely. "Yes?"

The page grinned, she had a refreshingly lovely smile. "Ah. Excellent. I have your room ready for you. We've already found your things there. If only you would follow me."

It pleased her too much to oblige. "Of course." With a quarter turn, she spoke with enough attitude in her voice to still be considered polite. "Good-bye Marquis."

"Good-bye, my fair lady." He answered in the same tone. They smiled painful and fake smiles, and she turned to follow that blessed page as he struck up another conversation with those unfortunate ladies. She felt like snickering but kept that to herself as well. Turning another corner, she tried to mark the decorations but wasn't sure it would help. If the page had not walked so confidently she would have thought them lost.

And then they stopped outside a panelled wood door, flowers and birds carved into it. "Here we are." The page smiled for her again and opened the door with one hand and a tiny bow. "Would you like a maid to help you sort your things?"

Shaking her head as she wandered inside, Tokori dismissed the page with a slight wave of her head. She was the first person who seemed the least bit understanding of how she was feeling, and left without another word. The door closed, a muted click when the latch was in place, and Tokori wandered to the four post covered bed in the center. Pink sheets and pink bed curtains, they looked orange in the light of the setting sun.

The windows were floor to ceiling on one side of the room, she could see that they faced a garden in the inner courtyard. Pressing her face against the glass, she saw that this entire wall was windowed like that. Must be where all the nobles stay... And she couldn't begrudge the view, it made her feel light headed; she tottered back to her bed thinking that she would most certainly need a maid's help to draw the curtains.

Once she sat down she felt dizzy again and realized how exhausted she was. She had spent her energy switching between a fulminating anger and a crushing sort of woe, now her eyes felt dry and her lids heavy. She found herself yawning before she could think to raise a hand to cover it. Perhaps a maid to help her would have been a very good idea, but she laid on her side with that thought, giving in to the heavy feeling in her bones.

When she woke it was with a start and muffled scream. Sitting up, the strange bed scared her, and she nearly rolled on to the floor in her panic to be out of it. Oh yes. Sense came back to her at once, settling neatly in the bottom of her stomach. Her brother was dead and her father had sent her away to entertain a princess. That's right... And just as suddenly her eyes pricked with suspect tears, only to be blinked away when she growled. Her stomach answered her, a kind of desperate gnawing she had not felt in a very long time. When had she eaten last?

Not this morning, and not at tea either... not since... last night? She turned to the windows, blinking up at the full moon. What time is it? Driven by hunger, she got out of bed and searched her room in the dark for a mirror, thinking it wouldn't do to wander the castle halls at night looking like a starving dog. And this dress will not do either... She rummaged around for her things and tried to find a night dress and robe. Dressed finally, she stepped demurely out of her room into the cool hallway.

Not quite shivering, she pulled her robe tight and surveyed up and down the hall. Which way to the kitchens, I wonder? Her shadow flickered back and forth in the torchlight, seeming to point her one way and then the other. Assuming since she had approached from the right, she turned left and followed the hall to a grand staircase. Wide and curving, it couldn't be one leading to a kitchen, so she continued on to the end where steps were carved into the rock. Yes, she felt herself smiling. This looks much more like a stair to a kitchen. Delighted, she found that it led down and to the very entrance!

"Hello?" She bit her lip when her stomach grumbled again and worried that someone would actually hear it. "Hello, is anyone here?" She lingered in the door, waiting for a response, and took a shaky breath when none came. Would it be alright for a guest who just arrived to help herself to the kitchens? She supposed that she would be living in the castle for quite some time, but had only arrived that afternoon.

Her stomach seemed to decide for her, protesting her waffling loudly. She made a pained face and slowly crept along the wall, hoping some food would be left out. I suppose it must be an ungodly hour... Not even a guard walked by. It does not take a hungry person long to survey her situation, and she knew within moments that anything appetizing in the least had been eaten or put away for the night. Given that no one is about... she continued around the kitchen, inspecting pots and sacks, discovering raw potatoes and a bag of carrots. On the very precipice of just eating a carrot, she spied doors in the far corner and her spirits lifted.

Cellars. Where the cold stuffs were stored. Tossing the carrot back, she crossed the kitchen and tried the first door, her mouth watering. It jerked and stopped, locked, but she continued down the line cursing the sort of people who needed their cellars locked up at night! The carrot might have been her best idea, and she turned to look back at it, surprised to find the last door was so far in the alcove that it wasn't visible from the kitchen. Feeling a measure safer, she rattled the latch violently and shouted when it immediately gave way.

When she stumbled inside she shouted again, basked in the eerie torchlight was an even stranger statue. "Gracious!" Dizzy again, she stepped inside.

A boy spoke. "Oh thank goodness!" And Tokori screeched, throwing herself against the wall. The boy yelled as well, just as surprised, and shouted before she could catch her breath. "Don't let the door -" The cellar door swung shut with a resounding thud "- shut. Don't let the door shut."

"I'm sorry!" She cried, heart hammering painfully in her chest. It was all she could do to wrap her night robe tighter to her, hands shaking, the fright made her throat feel too tight.

The boy didn't seem quite as surprised. "Aw, why'd you do that?" He complained. "Now we're both locked in here!"

She wasn't sure she could talk without her voice shaking. "I'm sorry."

"Damnit." She cringed at the curse, heard something thud, and huddled closer against the far wall. "I thought you came to get me out!"

She felt dazed and her mouth moved by route. "Why are you in here?"

"Gee, I guess I just really like cellars... I got locked in of course!" His voice was loud and she closed her eyes as if that would block it out. The sound of it hurt.

"Stop shouting at me!" Her heart turned numb and dropped when her bottom lip started trembling. "I only just arrived! I did not know!" It came without warning, her voice was trembling and she ended her sentence with a hiccough as tears surged hot and fast. Oh no, she bit her lip, bit on the inside of her cheek and even squeezed her fists until she could feel her fingernails in her palms. None of that would stop it, she was suddenly and deeply grateful for the dark. What am I doing crying before a complete stranger?

"Oh." And his voice changed. She might have thought he was a different person. "Hey, I'm so sorry. I was just - sorry. Don't cry. It's going to be all right." She heard his feet shuffling closer and retreated further along the wall.

"Don't come here!"

"Yes miss." She couldn't see what he did but there was more shuffling and then silence. Taking a steadying breath, she flung herself at the door in the next instant. "Someone! Someone please! Open this door! Please open! Someone help!"

"Miss." He actually laughed. Her face burned. "No one can hear you. Trust me. I've been in here since before sundown." Yawning unabashedly, he kept speaking before he was finished. "So you must have just got here if you don't know about that door. Come to work, eh?"

Polite conversation, she wondered if she had forgotten the art of it and then thought that this boy probably wouldn't mind anything she said. Still feeling shaken, she took a moment to answer. I... well I suppose it is work. A cynical voice snorted in her head. "To work, yes."

"What're you? A scullery maid? Or are you going to work in the laundry?" She puzzled over the note in his voice when he said laundry and tried to think of the best way to put it. Her father had sent her to keep the Princess company? Making a face she was confident he couldn't see, she realized that this boy had somehow struck up a conversation and she did not feel the least bit uncomfortable.

"I suppose..." She bit her lip, slowly letting go of her fists and turning to face the direction his voice came from. "... I will be close to the Princess."

Her stomach felt strange, a mix of being too hungry and the surrealness of being locked in a cellar with a complete stranger. Father, did you know your daughter has trapped herself in a cellar on her first night in the castle? What will they think of me?

"Ah, so you'll be the Princess's maid. That's nice. You know Maura, her last maid, her husband died in the war and she went back to the home of her family. We've really missed her." Died, war, she froze, a knife stabbing into the hole her chest with each of those words. It was so sudden that she couldn't breathe, raw wounds opened again, she hadn't actually stopped crying but this brought new force to her tears.

The boy kept talking. "Ah, but you really woke me up. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep now."

She didn't say anything, scared he would hear her crying in her voice, and sank down the wall. If her time at the castle could get any worse she didn't see how. "Are you hungry? That's probably why you were in the kitchens, eh? I have some of my lunch left here. That's actually how I got locked inside, Gram forgot the box and - " All while he was talking she could hear him moving, coming around that bizarre statue to where she was. "I said don't come over here!"

"Ara. Sorry." He stopped. She heard him sit back with a grunt and also heard the sound of setting something on the ground. His lunchbox. "The truth is I ate most of it already. I wasn't expecting company, but there's a roll left and a piece of apple - but it's probably brown by now. Do you want it?"

She shivered, suddenly realizing how cold it was, and she only had on a nightdress. "I... I do..." How ungracious am I? Guilt gnawed at her again, she kept shouting for him to stay away but freely took the food he offered. In spite of her tears her mouth had started watering at the thought of it and her stomach was back to its old tricks.

A strange silence settled between them and she realized with a leap in her heart that he had actually been talking from when the door shut until that moment.

"Um." He chuckled. "Are you going to come get it or may I come over there?"

"Oh! Um - I - "

"You know. I'll just leave it here. There, right in front of you. There, there, now I'm moving away." And she knew he was, a slow sort of shuffling, like a kind person trying to leave food for a mistrustful cat. She was suddenly embarrassed at her brusque attitude. "No! No, I'm sorry. I'll come there so - it's all right."

"Oh - yeah, see?" His voice was triumphant and her face felt hot again. "I'm no one scary. Just a stupid castle servant who locked himself in a cellar."

"Then," she cautiously crawled closer to him, it had been quite some time since she had crawled. "Then I am a stupid maid who's also locked herself in a cellar." He gave a short guffaw, slapping a hand against his knee. "Now that's not what I meant!" Once she was close enough he shoved the food in her hands, not saying another word about it, but he did go on talking about other things.

She took a dainty bite of the bread, it had gone all crusty but she wasn't in a place to complain. Perhaps he was lonely in here... Famished, she took another not as lady-like bite, chewing and swallowing as if she had never eaten before and all the while the boy kept talking. "None of these cellars open from the inside. I found that out when I was four years old. I got away from Gram and it was a whole day before someone came in again and found me sobbing in a corner."

Almost choking on a laugh, she coughed. This was the first she had heard a boy boasting about crying. "You think that's funny, eh? How rude. I was really upset!" But he laughed just as hard.

When the bread was gone she ate the apple, and when that was gone she crossed her arms over herself and shivered. Cold, she regretted changing into her nightdress. "So, what about you?"

Having the conversation suddenly switch to focus on her gave her a jolt. She had been pleasantly listening to him talk, like a soothing sound calming a storm. "Um." Shivering, her teeth chattered together as she went on and she tried to rub out the goose-flesh on her arms. "Um. I don't suppose I have ever been trapped in a cellar before."

"Ara!" He reached out suddenly and grabbed her arms, it made her squeak. "You're freezing! What're you doing in that flimsy nightdress?" Tokori learned how strong that boy was just then. Before she could so much as stammer out an answer he had lifted her up and drew her into his lap. Wrapping both arms tightly around her, he settled his chin on her shoulder and patted her back.

"There, there. See? This isn't so cold."

She made a noise she had never imagined herself making. A thousand protests flew through her mind but none quite made it to her tongue. He was so warm, it felt as if his skin could burn her. Pulled flush against him, she tried to puzzle out where she should put her arms, and the only place seemed to be around his shoulders. Doing that trapped her. Suddenly, she was holding on to someone, strong and warm, she had not held on to anyone since Anane... Since Anane, she was still shaking, but she couldn't let go of him.

"So, where do you come from, anyway?" He went on talking as if nothing had changed. She felt his voice rumble in his chest and felt his breath over her shoulder. Closing her eyes, she acquiesced to this comfort and spoke into his shirt. "Gheed."

Speaking with just the same ease as before, as if he hadn't pulled an unwilling girl into a provocative pose in the dark, he nodded. "Oh, Gheed. That's right on the frontier. But the war's over now - why'd you leave?"

"My father sent me..." Her throat cinched shut on those words. It was too much, he was too much, talking in such a soft voice and holding her so close. What else should she have expected to happen? "I- I didn't want to." Her chin shook, tears again, and her voice started coming faster. "I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay with him and mother. But my brother... but Anane... Anane died! He died in the war just a month before and my father sent me away." Hiccoughing, she bit her tongue to try and stop it but a torrent of sobs crashed over her. The hole in her chest was aching and he was real and holding her tight and safe. "I want to go home! I want my brother back!"

"Shhh," as if he had dealt with women he didn't know crying in his lap before, he simply rubbed her back and whispered tiny comforting sounds that couldn't be heard above her weeping. Holding her breath and grief inside for too long, it flooded out of her in tears and she cried herself to sleep in the kind boy's arms.