Summary: I am a lesbian with an ancient roman poet as a pen pal. I was happy. I was getting drunk with old men. Then Connie, saint-like-church-mouse Connie, had to walk in and ruin my tipsy parade. FF/femslash

A/N: Is it only chapter 6! I feel like I’m on chapter 20…Anyway! This is going to be a long author note, so feel free to skip down to the chapter at liberty. (If you don’t already know, I ramble compulsively)

First! NaNoWriMo is fast approaching and naturally that means this story won’t be updated until December (possibly later depending on how worn out I am)

Second! I would like to thank Isobel Q. Rowan for such lovely reviews. Since I am slow/lazy to give you a proper response, I thought I just mention it here. I really do love reviews that let me know how you are thinking and responding to the story. I am writing this story with a lot of things that I want to accomplish, so hearing anything from a reader is gold. (I’m also curious as to what Latin for Every Occasion has in it, lol)

In any case (Third!) what Isobel Q. Rowan wrote reminded me something I’d thought I’d mention before I forget. I’m a member of two congregations at the moment, one at school and one at home (both Methodist, for anyone curious). The church you see here is a generous mixture of both of them. Write what you know, yeah?

Fourth! This is a disclaimer. You will see in this chapter a bible study, and I haven’t been to one in…a very long time. I’ve also had no classes on theology or anything of that sort. Perhaps one day if I have time, I could actually do more research to make Connie seem like a more legit theologian. As of now, you just get my shoddy interpretation of the bible. I’m sorry for anyone who has researched the bible if I sound really stupid, unfortunately you will see more. I am trying to make up for the fact by using some of my favorite bible verses. So at least I sound more comfortable fumbling my way through it. Naturally, any thoughts on the matter mean a lot to me.

Fifth! (yes, this will never end) The bible verses I am using are from the New International Version. Why? Cause I thought it had a nice blend of archaic and modern language. And also there is no letter to Ovid in this chapter (they were never meant to be in every chapter…it just kinda turned that way) So the title is from the bible verse…yeah, I am that clever…

Beta-ed by Your Heroin! And I thank you for your reviews as well!

Thank you for reading!

Letters to Ovid

Chapter 6: The LORD Came And Stood There, Calling As At The Other Times.

-Samuel 3:10

“Annie? I’m sorry, but I’ll have to cancel our lunch date today.”

I sit in my desk at work, giving my cell phone a strange expression. “It’s okay. Something came up?”

Connie sighs. “Yes, I usually hold a bible study on Monday, but they forgot to tell me they changed the date to today. Apparently for most people it worked better. I’m sorry.”

I sit back in my chair, staring at the ceiling. “Ah, it’s okay, I’ll just…do more work I guess,” I had actually planned to take a couple hour lunch break to meet with Connie at a café. “But since I already told my supervisor, maybe I should just go kill time anyway,” I give a small laugh.

“I’m sorry,” She repeats. “If you really need something to do, you are welcome to come. We’ll be serving lunch and everyone likes to see someone new.”

I hesitate. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t be prepared…” I’ve never been to an adult bible study. When I was younger, my mom enrolled me in some children ones. Even when my faith in God was near to infallible, I still felt uncomfortable have any sort of discussion on the bible.

And despite having sort-of-maybe-probably made up with Connie, our relationship is still on shaky grounds. I am not even sure if there even is a relationship, or just a friendship. In any case, I don’t feel the obligation to jump off of bridges for her just yet.

“That’s fine; it’s going to be a short meeting anyway. And then we can…talk afterwards, if you like,” Her voice is nervous. More nervous than any other time she asked me to come to church or stay afterwards with her.

“Is Carol going to be there?”

She sighs. “Yes, she is,” A pause. “To tell you the truth, I am kind of terrified to be near her right now.”

I smile, glad that someone else is sharing the pain of being on the defensive of Carol. “She needling you?”

“Well…actually, she is giving me the cold shoulder. It’s unnerving and completely unlike her. I feel like she’ll explode eventually,” She sounds seriously worried.

I hold in the urge to laugh. “Just enjoy it while you can,” I don’t tell her that the old woman has been leaving harassing messages on my apartment phone; demanding to know what happened between us last Sunday. She is acting like a child and I am glad she has yet to track down my cell number. I imagine Connie is smiling during a brief pause. I hear her inhale, as if to speak again, but I cut in. “I’ll come.”

“What?” Her surprise is not even concealed.

I sigh. “I’ll come to your bible study, okay?” I don’t know what is making me say it, but somehow the sigh of relief makes it almost worth it.

“Really? I’ll come pick you up. Your work is off of Warner, yes?” Her voice is more than eager now, it’s almost desperate.

I nod, even if she can’t see me. “Yeah, I guess I’ll be out front.”

-

I sit in the semi-circle awkwardly, wondering if an AA meeting feels like this.

At least we are in a cramped living room and not some classroom. I sink into the couch, clutching the glass of water that Connie had handed me. I vaguely recognize some of the woman, but besides for a glowering Carol, I don’t know them at all. They are all spread about the room, conversing before the meeting starts.

Connie lingers in the hallway, talking to the hostess, a middle-aged woman with tired looking eyes. I can tell she keeps shifting her gaze between the conversation and how Carol is glaring at me. Eventually I move my eyes away from the both of them, hoping I haven’t landed myself into some unknown purgatory.

Another old woman suddenly sits down next to me. “Hello, you must be Annie. I’m Lynn.”

After recovering from the sudden appearance of the lady, I smile politely. “Hello,” She looks friendly enough.

“You came with Connie today, yes? You must be good friends, I see you both in church quite often,” Her eyes suddenly shift past my shoulder and her voice drops lower. “Not that I mean to be rude, but Carol seems to be jealous of you.”

Now that makes me pause. I have to resist the urge to look over at my shoulder to the seething woman. “Jealous?” I really hadn’t thought about it in such a way. I just thought that Carol was upset that her needling hadn’t gotten me to reveal anything to her.

Lynn smiles; a rather sweet, if not girlish, one. “Yes, I’ve known her for long enough to one when she gets in one of her moods,” Her voice drops a shade lower and I have to lean forward to hear her. Despite the small bible study group, the various people around the room chat quite loudly. “She’s awfully protective of Connie, you see. I think she always gets a bit jealous when the girl makes a new friend,” She chuckles and leans back, letting her voice rise again. “But Carol is like a mother to her, so please don’t take her abrasiveness to heart.”

I can’t help but grin. “Have you ever been on the receiving side of Carol’s temper?”

“I don’t think there is a person in the world who hasn’t.” She pauses. “Though you may be getting rather harsh treatment than one would expect,” She waves a hand in the air, as if to blow away the words. “It’s no matter, just stay out of her hair and she will accept you as well as anyone else. Now this is your first time here, yes? Did you bring anything?”

I don’t comment on the sudden conversation change, assuming that Lynn thinks that the vengeful wrath of Carol is just a passing annoyance. Of course, she could be right. “Ah, no. I’m afraid I am a little unprepared,” I do have a couple of pens in my pockets, but I doubt that would be much use.

The old woman nods placidly. “That’s alright; you can just borrow anything from me, okay? Today is a shortened meeting anyway, since many of us are leaving for vacation soon,” She bends over, fiddling with a folder she had placed on the floor. When she straightens, she gives me an empty notebook. “Here, you can have it, in case you feel like writing anything down.”

I take it only because she almost thrusts it into my arms. “Thank you so much, but you don’t need to. I…I don’t write…that much,” Truthfully, I just wouldn’t know what to write. Take notes? Doodle? I’ve never been to a bible study and I am just planning on surviving it. Of course, with the heat I am feeling from Carol, that may be out of my hands.

Lynn doesn’t make a move to take the notebook back and before I can say anything else, I feel Connie sit beside me. I turn to her and she gives me a small smile before addressing the room. “Well, should we all begin now?” Everyone immediately takes a seat around the room. All the empty sitting places are taken quickly and I find myself pressed rather closely to Connie as another woman sits next to her. Now, I try to maintain the appearance of a decent woman, but all I can think of is that the last time we were this close. Though without her sobbing cries, it feels much…warmer.

I shake my head, smiling slightly. Damn, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like a preteen with her first crush. I manage to collect myself as Connie introduces me to the group. “This is my friend Annie, just stopping in for today. And could we all thank Sharon for letting us stay in her lovely home for our last meeting of the summer?” There is a polite murmuring of words and some scattered clapping. Connie smiles before turning to a heavily annotated notebook in her lap. “Well, I guess we’ll move on to the prayer. We will need to pray for Claire Douglass and her upcoming hip surgery, and Danielle and Jim recently had the blessing of another little boy.”

She lists on as the group gives their appropriate responses. I sink into the couch a little further, relaxing. At least the group is a quiet one; otherwise they would probably make me produce more to the conversation. I sneak a look at Connie’s notes, awestruck that she can read through the clutter so easily. And though the responses may be lackluster, as I look around, everyone seems to know each person she mentions.

It’s silly. Every time I’m around these church-goers, I fee jealous. A lesbian, jealous of bible-thumpers; it’s a ridiculous notion. If not a childish one. I know why I feel this way; just because I can’t be a part of them, I want to. Take an unimportant thing from me and suddenly I want it above all else.

When I decided that being a lesbian was who I was and what I always would be, I knew the church would no longer have a place for me. Hell, normal society tends to push me away as well. But I accepted it and I threw it all away gladly. Anyone who wouldn’t want me for who I am doesn’t deserve me.

I sneak a look at Connie as they all bow their heads in prayer. Somehow, she made it though. She made it through all the walls and words to find some peace with God and his earthy institutions. During those short, painful weeks we were dating, I would sometimes wonder if she somehow sold her dignity. How else could she keep the balance in her mind?

Or perhaps she knows something I do not.

I quickly look away as the prayer ends and everyone looks up. Connie’s voice somehow seems brighter as she addresses the group. “Well, we are having a short meeting today, so I didn’t prepare much. I just wanted to touch on 1 Samuel 3:1-10, which was a part of the reading. Would anyone like to read it?”

Lynn immediately perks up. “I’ll do it,” Everyone shuffles through their bibles as the old woman finds her place. I look down at my empty notebook, trying to look busy.

1 The boy Samuel ministered before the LORD under Eli. In those days the word of the LORD was rare; there were not many visions.

2 One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place.

3 The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was.

4 Then the LORD called Samuel. Samuel answered, "Here I am."

5 And he ran to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me."

But Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down." So he went and lay down.

6 Again the LORD called, "Samuel!" And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me."

"My son," Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down."

7 Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD : The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him.

8 The LORD called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me.” Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy.

9 So Eli told Samuel, "Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, 'Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.' " So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

10 The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening."

Lynn’s voice is smooth and she reads the bible like it is a story to her grandchildren. As I look around the room, the other women abandon their books slowly to instead gaze at the woman. Perhaps it was the fault of my old church, but I’ve never heard the bible sound quite that way. Heck, even the minister at Good Shepherds doesn’t sound like it. Like it is alive and breathing through her mature voice.

Connie thanks Lynn politely before moving her many papers aside. Perhaps for the first time since the meeting started, she doesn’t follow any notes. “You know, I was fourteen when I first heard this story. And I really wanted to talk about it today because it was the first bible story I remember learning,” If I hadn’t been so close, I would not have caught the quick glance she shares with Carol. “I remember thinking it was such a strange story, mostly for the fact of how human it seems. I had always known the stereotyped version of the bible, a boring book with a bunch of rules and miracles that seem just a little too amazing. But this story of Samuel, who was probably just a little younger than myself then, seemed to go beyond that.”

She pauses and I have the distinct feeling that she is uncomfortable. Carol, who had been mostly avoiding everyone’s eye contact during the meeting, is suddenly gazing at Connie with such intensity. And for some reason, everyone else in the room is staring at her with curiosity.

“Samuel seems like such a child. He is merely sleeping in his bed when suddenly he hears a voice calling his name. His first reaction, which would probably be our first reaction, is to wake up his master Eli. Of course, the old man is confused, and probably a little drowsy, and tells the child to go back to bed. But Samuel wakes him over and over again, asking him what he wants. I imagine Eli to be more than a little irritated and I would expect him to yell at Samuel for being such an annoyance. But something registers in his mind. I don’t know whether his faith influenced him or somehow he…saw something in Samuel’s eyes that night. But he knew that God was speaking to the boy and that the boy should listen.”

She inhales deeply. The kind of breath one takes before jumping off a cliff.

“I…had a rough childhood. And I am sorry to say that more often than not, I felt like no one in the world could ever love me. When I was fourteen, someone read this verse to me and it stayed with me for many years, even if I didn’t quite understand it. But I felt like that somehow it was God trying to speak to me. As he spoke to Samuel, he was reaching to me. But I didn’t believe that God could love me, so I ignored the voice in the night,” Connie grins, an almost private smile. “And the person who read it to me said I had the eyes of Samuel. She said that God was already within me, that he had always been with me. And he knew that I was ready to know his love. It may have taken awhile, but eventually I listened to God calling me by name, and for that…eternal love, I was ready to serve him.”

She breathes deeply, obviously finished, but she almost seems to tremble from her own words. All the women in the room seem to be in some sort of trance. It’s obvious, even for a new-comer like me, that this is never happened before in a meeting. Lynn is the first to break the stillness by leaning over and giving Connie a half-hug. After that everyone seems to manage some words to the shaken woman. Yet Carol doesn’t say a word. She just stares at her with a strange expression on her face.

Because of Lynn, I find myself pressed against Connie and for a brief moment I wrap my hand around her trapped hand near her thigh, giving it a brief squeeze. She finally smiles at everyone and it seems to lessen the tension in the room. Sharon stands and announces that she is going to get some drinks and snacks for everyone.

The attention in the room is unfocused on Connie and I hear her breathe in relief. The rest of the meeting seems to blur into a haze then. Between other bible scriptures and random announcements, I find myself mindlessly doodling in the notebook. When I finally look up, Connie has an expectant look in her eyes.

I look around and see that the meeting has ended, though most of the people are still hanging around, mostly eating. She stands and I follow her out to the back porch. Sharon lives on the edge of town with a massive house and backyard. We sit down on a small stone wall bordering her property. Connie sighs and in the fresh air.

“When do you have to be back by?”

I pull out my cell phone to check the time. “I have time, the meeting was pretty short.”

She smiles, folding her legs under her. It can’t be very comfortable, but it’s probably just a nervous habit. “Well, it felt long to me,” She breathes deeply and I wonder if she was holding her breath the entire bible study.

I bite my lip. “It was a nice meeting though,” She looks at me curiously. “I’ve never been to a bible study before, so I guess I have no expectations, but it was nice. And more interesting than church,” I may have been only half-paying attention, but if I had actually read the work, I probably would have understood more of what they were saying.

“I’m glad you liked it. There won’t be any more meetings with this group for awhile, but there are others I can set you up with,” I nod absently, actually contemplating the offer. It could be interesting, I suppose, if I give it a chance.

We fall into a small silence as I think about the bible study I was just at. There is one question that lingers. I look at Connie, who looks to be meditating in the midday sun…or she is dozing. “Connie? Was it Carol? The person who said you had the eyes of Samuel?”

She looks at me slowly, a kind of misty smile gracing her features. “Yes, it was Carol,” She sighs, leaning her elbows on her knees so she can cradle her face. “She is a harsh, quick-tempered, and sometimes childish woman, but she brought me to the person who I am now,” She gives me a sideways glance. “You know, before she retired, Carol was a psychiatrist. She was mine for many years,” She lets out a short laugh, “and probably still is. You see, when I was first living with Dave, I was uncontrollable. He managed to take care of me for a couple of years, but I only got worse and worse. Eventually he took me to a mental clinic as an outpatient, but I ended up living there for three years.”

She looks down, ashamed. She doesn’t sound nervous or distressed now. Nor does she sound hollow and defeated. Her voice isn’t strong, it is just…comfortable. I don’t know whether she is coming to terms with herself, or if it is just with me.

“It was a depressing place; children there were hopelessly violent or addicted to drugs. All their lives were either tragic by their own failings or just uncontrollable circumstances. I hated all of them, probably from my own ignorance, but I thought that they didn’t understand my pain and my hopelessness. Then I met Rachel. I told you about Rachel, the girl who was severely depressed and committed suicide?”

I frown, trying to remember. Rachel must be the girl Connie had talked about on her first date. I can’t imagine it being anyone else, so I nod and she continues.

She smiles slightly, almost bittersweet. “ She made me so angry. She had a well-to-do family with a mother, father, and baby brother. But her demons were in her mind. Most of the time she would act perfectly normal, but then something would snap and she would crash. She was only thirteen, but she had tried to commit suicide five times already. She once told me it felt like someone was screaming in her head, blocking out every other thought. All she could think was to stop the screaming.”

She hesitates for a long time after that. Frowning faintly, I assume she is trying to organize her thoughts. I wonder if I should say something, but Connie seems to be the kind of person who has to say all of her thoughts without interruption. So I stay quiet.

“When I first came to the clinic, I didn’t like being talked to; I didn’t even like being touched. Oh sure, I would scream at my uncle, but he seemed like someone I could scream at. I didn’t speak to anyone else, but then Rachel decided to change that. She…attacked me one day. She tackled me to the ground randomly. It didn’t hurt, but it shocked me. I screamed and punched her. She didn’t care that I scratched her arms or broke her nose. She knew what pain was and she wasn’t letting me go. The other adults came in to separate us, but Carol told them not to. They nearly didn’t listen, but then I stopped struggling. I was too tired to fight anymore,” She looks at me, a strange expression. “I just cried until Rachel finally let me up.”

She is silent then and I wonder if she will speak. “It helped?”

It takes her awhile to answer and she almost seems uncomfortable now. “Yes, at least I think so. It took me three months before I spoke to her, apparently she had attacked me for the same reasons I didn’t like her. It was only when I started crying did she understand; we were the same. It was then she promised me that she would never lie to me. I guess we sort of became friends and she was the only person that I would speak to at a normal level. She also said that she would kill herself in two years. Though I may have spoken to her, I still didn’t trust her. But I did after she committed suicide. It was then that I finally opened up to Carol.”

Connie suddenly looks up and I turn to follow her gaze. Lynn is standing there with, smiling and waving. She slowly makes her way down to the steps and I consciously stand up. Connie just looks at her curiously. “How is everyone in there?”

Lynn grins, placing her purse on the stone wall. “Well, they won’t say it, but I think everyone is wondering what you are doing out here. Naturally, I am the most daring to come and investigate,” She titters to herself and we both smile back. “But anyway, Connie, you should probably go in and talk to Sharon, she sounded like she needed some help.”

“Okay,” The younger woman looks to me. “I’ll be back in a little bit, then I’ll drive you back?”

I nod and she leaves. Lynn gives a sigh and sits down on the wall. I remain standing, not feeling entirely comfortable. “How did you like the meeting?” She asks.

I shrug. “It was nice, I guess.”

She laughs. “Hm? ‘And more interesting than church’?” She gives me a look and I know that she is quoting me from earlier.

I flush slightly in embarrassment. “Ah, um, were you listening to Connie and me?”

“Probably. You’d be surprised how well sound travels from the yard to the back door, and if one knows what to be listening for,” She smiles, but it fades when she sees my horrified face. “Oh, what is that look for? It’s not like I’m the police ready to turn you in for harmless conversation.”

I quickly sit down next to her. “No, I’m not afraid for me. It’s just that Connie…well she doesn’t like people…you know…to know?” Somehow it feels wrong for me to discuss Connie’s private life, even if Lynn has just overheard a whole chapter of it.

My eyes widen as she waves her hand, flipping away my words. “Oh, I know that. That’s why I’ve never told Connie that I know,” She smiles. “But what is the real surprise is that she so readily discloses it to you. Do you know that she has never told anyone? The only reason why Carol and Dave know is because they were actually there.”

I blink, trying to figure this woman out. “Well, Connie trusts me, I guess,” I shake my head. “Besides, how do you know then? Just compulsively eavesdrop?”

She really laughs then, even holding a hand over her chest. “Oh, Annie, I’m sorry. Didn’t I tell you?” She wipes her eyes, but I don’t think there are tears of mirth. She is patronizing me. “Can’t you see the resemblance? I am Carol’s sister.”

She continues rambling about how they always confide in secrets to each other, even if they don’t always get along. Other sisterly things. But all I can think of is the horrifying conclusion I just discovered.

There are two of them…