Tribute Skit: Stay With Your Woman

Jorun vs. The Alarm Clock by Sterfish

All characters copyright 2001 Sterling Fisher

Jorun slept like a baby. It was Saturday after all, and he wanted some rest. Being a big-time lawyer meant that every moment actually spent on sleeping was cherished. His body made up for the all-nighters and lack of sleep on the weekend. There was no way he’d get up before noon.

Suddenly, the alarm clock went off. It buzzed its piercing, high-pitched tone at 7 a.m....the same time Jorun woke up every morning. His eyes opened slightly and he glanced at the time. He realized it wasn’t noon and slammed the big orange snooze button on the top of the alarm clock. The loud tone stopped and Jorun fell right back to sleep, forgetting that the snooze button only lasts five minutes.

Five minutes later, right on cue, the alarm went off again. Jorun opened his eyes wider this time and unwittingly pressed the snooze button again. The alarm once again fell quiet. But only three minutes later, the alarm came right back on. Jorun opened his eyes and looked to see that the time was 7:08 a.m. instead of 7:10 a.m. He was a little puzzled by this and thought his eyesight was probably screwing up on him. Most peoples’ vision is a little screwy when they first wake up, he thought. Thinking nothing of the time, he pressed the snooze button again.

The alarm cut on and Jorun opened his eyes and saw that only one minute had passed since he pushed the snooze button. This wasn’t a blurry just woke up vision but a clear one. The clock said 7:11 a.m. Maybe there’s something wrong with the snooze button, he thought. He pulled the covers away from him, got up, and walked towards his nightstand, where the alarm clock lay. He looked and felt around for the little on/off switch. He found it and switched the alarm off. Feeling better, he climbed back into his bed, pulled the covers over himself and soon was asleep again.

Not even two minutes later, Jorun thought he heard sound coming from the alarm clock. Surely, the dang thing wouldn’t cut on now after I actually turned it off, he thought. But much to his surprise, the alarm was on and mysteriously sounded louder than ever. Jorun got up and looked at the alarm clock to double check the switch was turned to the off position. It was. It freaked him out, but Jorun was determined as ever to make sure he got his well-deserved weekend rest. He bent down and pulled the alarm clock’s plug from the socket. The alarm immediately stopped and the apartment was quiet again. Jorun climbed right into the bed and prepared to finish sleeping.

The room was quiet for a full 10 minutes. Jorun started to snore loudly and looked content as he slept. The peace was soon interrupted again when a loud, annoying, eardrum rattling sound emanated from his alarm clock. It sounded as mean and as angry as an alarm clock could sound, with a harsh, deeper, and more robotic sounding tone. Jorun awoke hearing this nasty sound and shouted loudly, "What the?!" He turned around and looked at the alarm clock flashing the actual time, 7:23 a.m., on its red LCD display. He got up and looked to double check that the plug was not in the socket. The cord and plug were both on the floor.

"How’s it still going?" Jorun wondered aloud, "Maybe it has batteries in it." He picked up the alarm clock, which seemed to actually respond to being picked up, and looked at the underbelly. There was only a battery cover for a 9-volt battery used to keep the time during power outages. Jorun opened it and saw that there was no battery inside. This really scared him and he dropped the clock on the floor. The clock’s actual tone became more high pitched when it hit the ground, but continued unabated.

Jorun couldn’t believe his eyes or ears. His alarm clock was possessed, working with no electricity and no batteries. It actually seemed to respond to anything he did to it. This truly scared him. It reminded him of those horror movies where the machines turned on the humans. He thought that this could be like a real version of those movies. He walked over to the alarm clock and kicked it across the room. The alarm kept going, but now sounded like a buzzing noise instead of a tone. Jorun walked slowly to it and kicked it again, harder this time, out his open bedroom door and into the living room. The incessant noise kept going, only louder this time. The red LCD display no longer showed the time but random numbers, weird symbols, and what almost looked like words.

Jorun walked into the living room after it and turned towards the kitchen area, where he found a meat tenderizing mallet. He walked fast over to the alarm clock, fear clearly in his eyes. He smacked the alarm clock hard with the mallet, cracking the LCD display. The noise kept going and still got louder. Neighbors could be heard complaining about the racket. He hit it again three times in a row, each time harder, but it only got louder. He could not take any more of this. All Jorun wanted was some time to sleep in. It was now well after 7:30 a.m. and he was still very sleepy. He yawned loudly and looked at the semi-broken, unplugged alarm clock lying on the floor. Then he got an ingenious idea.

He picked up the wailing piece of machinery, and brought it to the living room. He opened one of his 12th story windows and the cold Chicago winter air was let in. He looked out of it and saw no cars on the downtown street. He took the alarm clock and put it outside the window, dangling it over the street below. He smiled somewhat smugly at his gesture. He looked down at the clock, whose tone was now at the level of a jackhammer, and said quietly to it, "So long." He dropped the alarm clock and it fell, getting louder and louder as it went down, until crashing onto the empty downtown street. The clock was smashed to pieces, and the ingratiating tone was at last dead.

Jorun looked down and felt happy for himself. His nightmare was over. No stupid alarm clock is going to get me, he thought. He walked confidently to his bedroom and climbed into the bed. He pulled the covers over him and closed his eyes. I wonder if I should buy another alarm clock tomorrow, he thought. After a couple of seconds, he drifted away into deep slumber.

Out of nowhere, the phone rang. Jorun was sleeping too soundly to hear it ring, and the answering machine picked it up. After the obligatory beep, the message could be heard faintly: "Jorun, where are you? This is Steve. Listen, the hearing starts in 10 minutes, so hopefully you’re on your way. One of the senior partners is here to watch so it’s real important you get here soon. Oh well, umm, see ya soon. Bye."