“Any girl can look glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”

- Hedy Lamarr

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There’s an angry sting, behind my ribcage, as I look at her. She’s beautiful; I know that, long glossy black hair, big breasts and legs that go on forever. I hate her; my boyfriend left me for her. The most important difference between us, I thing, besides her being gorgeous and me not, is that’s she’s much more willing to open her legs.

What’s worse, (besides that I know that’s not entirely true) is that I can’t call her a slut, she’d not; she only ever has sex with her boyfriends, and she generally keeps her boyfriends for fairly lengthy amounts of time. She’s nice, and while she is a bit on the dim side she’s not completely stupid.

I’m smarter. If that’s the only thing about me that’s better than her, then it’s fairly useless. Boys don’t want the intelligent Shelly, they want the regal Adrianna. My entire being screams at that, I shouldn’t care what boys think of me in comparison of her, I’m not her; I shouldn’t base my self esteem on what a boy thinks either. Normally I don’t.

It’s just that recently I’ve see myself in sharp contrast to her.

I thought I was in love with Ben, maybe it was just a twisted parody of love, I don’t know. He’s happier wither her, I can tell that, and I don’t think it’s just the sex either. Adrianna looses herself in whoever she’s with, she needs them, misses them whenever they’re not with her.

I never needed Ben, not like she does. Was I happier when he was around? Yes, but I didn’t need him, I was happy on my own, without his attention. Maybe that was why he left; he wanted to be needed, it’s most certainly possible.

Everyone wants to be needed, except, that’s not true, I don’t. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness; don’t want anyone else to be responsible for mine. Wanted; I just want to be wanted, and enough. What I want is someone who’s happiest with me, but doesn’t need me, doesn’t need me to need them.

That, I think is why Ben left me, I couldn’t give him what he needed, so I wasn’t what he wanted.

I miss him anyways. But I’ll move on eventually and I sigh; I hope he’s happy.

Adrianna is in my homeroom class, that’s what prompted this whole thing, this whole thought process, she sits next to the windows, she’s bent over her book, framed in the blue light of early morning. She’s more beautiful than I can ever hope to be. Someday I think I’ll be okay with that.

I turn back to my neglected book; I’m not over Ben yet, but I can always loose myself in someone else’s story for a while.