A Dog's Questions to Humans

QUESTION ONE: WHY USE HAIR REMOVAL?

My master uses hair removal cream. It smells really, REALLY bad, and she complains because it makes her nose itch. I want to know why she would use such nasty smelling thing when she could easily keep the hair. And also, she always complains of being cold, like icy cold, yet she wants to get rid of her hair. She always comes to me when she's cold because I have fir, I.e. hair. So, why get rid of the something you complain about when you don't have?

QUESTION TWO: DO YOU REALLY MIND WHEN I CHEW THINGS?

My master has this end table she complains about because her mother-in-law gave it to her and it doesn't match their…I don't know what the word is. So, I chewed on it, and she got really mad at me and made me sleep outside with the bugs and the fleas and the other dogs. I thought you hated that table, Master? Why shouldn't I chew on it? You get to buy new end tables that you actually like, so why scold me for doing your dirty work.

QUESTION THREE: CHASING CARS IS WHAT YOU DO ISN'T IT?

My master is always holding up a sign at the street corner and chasing cars. When I want to chase cars, I get scolded and I don't get to play with Mr. Fuzzy Man. If you chase cars, then why can't I chase cars? It's fun, and you always call me a fat dog, so why not let me do the exercise I want to do? You humans are confusing!

QUESTION FOUR: WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE MY NOSE ALONE?

You tell me my nose is cute, and you poke it with your finger and you squeeze it and you love it, yet you complain when I touch your foot with it. You told me you liked my cold, wet nose, then when I touch you with it, you run away and tell me I'm bad. I thought you wanted me to pay you some attention. I thought you loved my nose, but you complain about it. I thought you hated my nose, but you compliment it? Can you not decide what you like and what you dislike?

QUESTION FIVE: WHY DO I GET YELLED AT WHEN I WAKE YOU UP, BUT YOU WAKE ME UP ALL THE TIME?

You trained me to tell you when I have to "go outside", but if you're watching that bright, loud thingy, you yell at me when you get up. I thought you told me to ask you to "go outside" that way I don't "go outside" inside your house. You yell at me then, and you yell at me now. There is only so much I can do!

The questions end here. The dog's master confused the dog so much that he grabbed a water hose and drug it through the house, soaking the computer it was written on, thereby rendering it useless. When the dog attains another way to right, there may be sequels, but not if there is no support. The imaginary family in this work of fiction needs to know they are loved, though they are evil and enjoy confusing dogs. They need to be complimented by reviews, or else you should get your dog-loving friends to read it, which shows that you liked it and are willing to read it. The imaginary family will appreciate it, though they will not like the Flames you send them. Send Flames. The evil family confuses their dog. Call them mean, non-cursing words then do a smiley sticking out its tongue (colon p) :P, then walk away. Please before I must beg you further.

Signed, the neighbor's dog, Zippy.