Tom kicked the ball with all the force in his tiny little body, accurately hitting Mike in the forehead. His ability to kick so high, so powerfully, and so accurately at such a young age impressed the recess supervisor, who coincidentally was the gym teacher, causing him to “accidentally overlook” Tom’s dangerous behavior.

Ivey insisted that the group of friends play with Mike because he had no friends and the other kids picked on him. He was noisy and mean, and he especially liked making fun of David, since he was such an easy target. This, of course, pissed Tom off, so every chance he got, Tom found a creative way to “accidentally” beat up Mike. Tom got chances to do this very often. His only fear was that one day Mike would snap, pull himself into a ball, and roll him over until he was nothing but a flat pancake. Tom kept this fear in the back of his mind long enough to defend his friend.

“David!” came an excited voice, making everyone turn from Mike, who was on the ground crying. They groaned when they saw Sarah; each person, including Ivey, mentally making the same decision to pretend they had somewhere else they had to be, leaving her to bother Mike. They would be able to annoy each other, it would be perfect equilibrium.

“David, guess what! Stefani said she likes you likes you!” Sarah exclaimed, jumping up and down in an obnoxious fashion. Drew and Tom thought about laughing, but honestly felt so bad for their friend that not even the fact that Stefani was visibly watching from the bushes could stifle a laugh. Hayley, on the other hand, had no problem letting go of her laughter. Stefani was the most disgusting girl in the whole elementary school; she only washed her hair once a week and wore the same underwear for months, then wore pants that fell too short so that everyone could see the unchanged Barbie underwear every day. Every. Day.

“Tell Stefani that she has a better chance with a blind monkey’s butt then with Davey.” Tom pointed out, glaring at the girl from behind the bushes and pulling his friend away. He knew his best friend would be too shy to express his disgust in Stefani himself, and he would probably end up being her boyfriend. Then he’d start smelling like old people and horse poop just like her, and that wasn’t particularly a smell Tom wanted to be around all the time.

“I was talking to David, not you, but you know, if you want, we could double date with them. I hug on the first date you know.” Sarah suggested, making Tom legitimately start gagging. He would hug a chainsaw before he hugged Sarah, whether the chainsaw be on or not. At least then he wouldn’t get lice or “crabs”, which was another type of tiny bug he heard Kevin talking about. Although, Kevin had also said you get “crabs” from playing with hoes, and he didn’t think Sarah was the gardening type, so he wasn’t sure if the crabs joined the lice she had for a bugfest, or if she only had lice.

“Hey David,” Stefani said from behind the bushes, marking the end of the groups chance to make their runaway, “um… what’s your sign?” she asked, using one of the various pick up lines she had gotten from her father, who was forty-seven, bald, with an ugly wife and a beer gut. The fact that she would even consider taking pointers from him made Hayley, who had unfortunately been Stefani’s playmate by force when they were four, laugh uncontrollably.

“There’s a stop sign at the end of my street, does that count?” David asked, confused by the question. Sarah had made it sound like Stefani wanted to ask him on a date, not ask about the street signs near his living establishments. Girls were so weird, they never made sense and David could never figure out what they were talking about, and he didn’t want to.

“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” she asked, winking enough times to make it look like her eyelid was having a seizure. Although David could be slow sometimes, he was book smart, and he had a ghetto butt, which Stefani liked a lot. She also liked long hair, so she figured if she could talk David into letting his grow and maybe wearing eyeliner like the hunks in her music videos, then he’d be the hottest six year old ever to even live.

“That never happened, only dead people go to heaven. I fell riding my bike though and it hurt a lot, and I got a big band aid on my knee because of it. That was by the stop sign.” David said, pointing to his knee and causing Hayley to laugh even more. By now, Stefani and Sarah were looking at Hayley like she was psychotic, and they both made mental notes to kick her out of the group when they became members, which was bound to happen as soon as they dated Tom and David.

“He doesn’t like you stupid, you have lice.” Hayley finally pointed out, taking a breather from her constant laughing that had turned her face a funny color purple, which in turn caused Ivey to start laughing. David didn’t know what was so humorous to them, there was nothing amusing about his current situation. This was one of the worst things that could ever happen to him. He wasn’t completely sure what global warming was, but he had heard adults saying it was horrible, and he knew deep in his heart that his current situation was even worse then global warming. And the adults had made global warming sound pretty bad.

“And cooties.” David added, feeling confident in himself through having Hayley by his side. He knew he wouldn’t seem mean if he was next to Hayley, because anything he said could not possibly come off as mean as what Hayley could say. Everyone in the first grade already knew that Hayley was a bitch.

“And crabs!” Tom said, finally deciding that bugs were bugs and whether you gardened or not, if you were gross you were going to have bugs. His statement confused everyone else, however, because Stefani did not have crabs. She used to have fish, until they all died, and she wanted a turtle for a long time, but she never had one and she’d never had a single crab. Not even a hermit crab.

The rest of the summer had been almost completely uneventful for the clique. Drew had worked almost every hour, and when she wasn’t working she was stuffing her face or throwing up (sometimes simultaneously). She wore baggy hoodies every day and didn’t allow herself to go swimming at all during the summer. She still hadn’t found the right way to tell her friends, and she figured if she walked around in a bikini around them, they’d probably guess it themselves. She looked like it was time for her to be thrown back into the ocean.

Ivey’s parents kept her busy with violin, piano, and flute lessons. When she wasn’t completely engaged learning how to recite classical music with almost every instrument ever made, Ivey was volunteered to be a councilor at a diabetic camp. She snuck alcohol into the camp and on the last day got so drunk that she danced naked in the woods singing an off pitch version of Akon’s “lonely”. Somehow, she managed not being caught.

Tom had stayed up every night for two weeks straight, falling asleep during various activities during the morning, before he finally initiated a conversation with his father for the first time in years, asking him if he knew where Kevin was. Apparently, Kevin had chosen to stay with his father in the city. He was gone all through summer.

David spent every moment possible with Tom, as expected. Hayley continued to date Brandon, surprising everyone with her sudden ability to hold a normal relationship. Most surprisingly of all, she had not slept with him once through all the three months, though she desperately wanted to. She decided that her first time with Brandon would be special, seeing since her actual “first time” with anyone was with the tuba player at band camp. Enough said. She figured if she made it special with Brandon, it would compensate.

Mike had held off becoming the badass he anticipated. He decided to spend all of summer planning, then show up at school on the first day completely wowing everyone with his “I don’t care” attitude. It’d be the dramatic event of the school year that everyone would talk about for years to come.

Mike had decided to go with the tight leather pants.

“Dude, really, I can’t even eat. That’s fucking disgusting.” Hayley pointed out, throwing her bagel in garbage and deserting any idea of eating it. Mike’s whole “junkular area”, as Drew would call it had she not skipped the first day of school, was completely outlined by the pants, along with every fold in his skin. It was enough to make her never look at the leather interior of her car the same way again.

“You’re jealous you can never have this, bitch.” Mike stated, knowing damn well he looked hot. It seemed that every hall he went down, he turned heads. Unfortunately, the reason why heads were turning was not exactly the positive reaction that he inferred. People were not exactly undressing him with their minds like he suspected, not that they even needed to. The leather did a fine job of blocking out any imagination necessary.

“I’m jealous that your stomach is so big that you actually can’t see what you look like in those pants. Because we all can. It’s disgusting.” Hayley stated, trying her hardest to look away. Although it was one of the most vulgar things she’d ever seen in pretty much her whole life, it was one of those things that were impossible to look away from. Like an eighty year old woman being hit by a semi truck, or the video for Shakira's "she wolf".

“Fuck you, last year David wore a pair of pants just like this and you guys didn’t say anything about it. You’re all just a bunch of jealous fags.” Mike spat, angered that the clique had yet to mention how completely badass he looked. He had completely changed his whole person and all they thought to mention was the pants he had selected to wear for the day.

“That was Halloween, and I’m also about three hundred pounds lighter then you, and, if I’m not mistaken, didn’t you call me a fag for wearing leather pants?” David recalled, not having to search deep for the word used. It seemed like every action he did determined to Mike that he was a fag. His cellular respiration even concluded that he was a fag. David could have wild sex for hours with ten female models, right in front of Mike, and he would still conclude that he was a fag.

“Hey David!” came a scratchy and otherwise obnoxious voice from behind, ending the conversation of the tight leather pants. David groaned and turned around to face Stefani. One would think that after twelve years, she and her stupid friend would have given it a rest and went out seeking someone as equally pathetic as them, but somehow they found it necessary to bother him at every opportunity they got.

“Stefani, I’m going to make this so simple that even you can figure it out. David. Doesn’t. Like. You. He never has, and he never will. It doesn’t matter how often you go without wearing a bra or how high you pull that two week worn G string of yours, you are fucking nasty and he‘s not interested.” Hayley said, adding an annoyed “go, ho” to her statement when Stefani starred back with a confused look on her face.

“You’re a bigger slut then I am.” Stefani pointed out, laughing her donkey laugh as if she were funny and earning herself the darkest glare that Hayley had ever given anyone in her life. There were three types of people who could get away with calling her a slut: her family, her clique, and someone shouting it during…someone who was only calling her a slut to make things “interesting”.

“Do you want to get slapped? Because right now, I’m at about a nine point nine out of ten on the pissed scale, and I will slap you. You will seriously be in a world of pain if you don’t get away from me right now.” Hayley warned, turning away from Stefani before she slapped her flat across the face and ended up getting suspended.

Stefani took the hint, giving one last glare before she turned and left the clique before she could piss Hayley off any further. In her life, Stefani had only been slapped by Hayley once, but that was enough to persuade even her, the dumbest of all the white trash, to never bother her too much again.

“Davey, you really need to tell that girl how much you hate her. Maybe she’ll finally get it and kill herself or something,” Hayley said, causing everyone at her table to stop what they were doing and look at her in shock, “well, I mean, you have to tell her eventually that you can’t stand her or she’ll keep coming around. How much longer are you going to put up with her constantly flirting with you? Besides, I’m going to get you a real girlfriend soon so she’s going to need to learn to move on anyways.” Hayley explained, cracking the knuckles that were stiff from the slap that never happened.

“What are you going to get me?” David asked, hearing about Hayley’s plan for the very first time, despite how casually she had brought it up. While he always figured that eventually Hayley would bring up the fact that he’d never had a girlfriend for even the tinniest amount of time, he didn’t actually expect her to try to do anything about it. Hayley didn’t like girls, she saw all but two girls as competition for guys, so it wasn’t likely that she would be able to talk to one long enough to find someone she approved of to date one of her best friends.

“I’m going to get you a girlfriend. You’ve been single too long, and I didn’t want to be the one to say this, but you need to get yourself some action. You cannot go to college a virgin, Davey, you just can’t. All the hot college sluts are going to be experienced and you’re not going to know anything. Is that what you want? You want to be a sex noob in front of hot college girls?” Hayley asked, trying her hardest not to think about the undeserving college sluts who would do the dew with one of her best friends, because he needed her. He needed to tap some ass or he’d be doomed to be a forty year old virgin.

“Please stop talking.” David begged, putting a temporary end to the conversation.

David sat up in his bed considering what Hayley had said during lunch. Truth be told, he didn’t want a girlfriend. He didn’t even have the time to keep a girl occupied; David was in all honors courses. He had too much homework to deal with a high maintenance girl at the time, and being in a relationship with some girl wasn’t worth doing bad in his classes.

The rain hit the windowpane hard, tapping on the glass as if communicating with him. The tapping somehow soothed him, it was like the sound plastic cups made when they hit Mike in his big fat hard head. The thought alone made David smile no matter what his mood; the only thing better would be actually seeing it happen (again).

Suddenly, a louder thud separated itself from all the raindrops. There was another one, and then one more, before David finally sighed and approached his window. There he saw Tom, soaking wet and holding some kind of box. David, with a small smile, sighed. Who else would it be at midnight?

David gave him the signal to wait as he rushed down the stairs and threw the door open. He watched as his friend rushed in, coughing too much to speak and explain the reason for his company. Instead, Tom lifted the box he had been carrying, revealing it to be a filled with dog food.

"I don't have a dog, Tommy." David pointed out, dreading what was probably the truth. Tom had finally gone insane. His retard father and his retard brother had driven him to insanity and now he couldn't remember even the tinniest of matter, like whether his best friends had pets or not. Soon he would probably start eating nothing but cheese, and he'd do it out of a straw like David's crazy grandma. He had always seen this day coming. The coolest people in his life always lost their sanity.

"You didn't have a dog," Tom corrected, kneeling on the floor and unzipping his jacket to let the jet black Chihuahua puppy that had been inside out to scamper across the floor. It raced in a wobbly line until it came crashing into the wall. When it finally did, the fact that one of its legs were significantly smaller then the others became apparent, hence the reason for its uncoordinated scampering.

"I'm going to kill you. For real." David muttered, too paralyzed with shock to pick the puppy off of the ground or even decide what to do with it. Tom had lost his sanity, his actions confirmed that, but it was worse then David had initially thought. Tom didn't even like animals that much, he didn't like anything that much, for what reason would he present his friend with such an unwanted token of appreciation?
"You're parents told you over a year ago that you should get a pet. I'm sure they'll like him. He's pretty entertaining." Tom assured, pointing to the dog that was again on the move, crashing into the same wall. David glared, it was true his parents had recommended he get a pet to show responsibility because "before he knew it he'd be a father" (he figured this meant that his parents thought he was a manwhore, which he had found humorous, because they had met Hayley, giving them a real whore to compare their son with). He had neglected to take them up on the offer because he did not want any animals.

"In the jugular, with a knife." David warned, finishing his threat. He had imagined such an irrational action from Drew, because she was always doing stupid or otherwise illogical things. She had little common sense when it came to certain trivial things, and was much like a child in some manners, so random actions that caused trouble were typical for her. They rarely happened with Tom.

"Okay, Davey, they were going to kill it. I was in the pet store and they were talking about how nobody would buy it because its a crip, and then some little emo shit head was talking to his friend and he said that he should buy it to feed it to his boa. This is a dog, Davey, not a mouse, you don't feed dogs to snakes. It's inhumane." Tom rambled, displaying that he, once again, had received at least a week of no sleep. David wondered if his friend would be salty if he slipped Nyquil in one of his drinks; at least if he got some sleep he wouldn't do stupid things like buying some crippled dog just to save it from dying, which it would probably do anyways due to multiple concussions from running into walls.

"So bring it here. Sometimes, Tommy, the way you think amazes me. Why were you in a pet store anyways? You've never gone to a pet store in your life." David asked, laughing as the dog ran into the wall for the third time before he finally picked it up. Tom was right, the dog was entertaining. It was like a windup doll, only better because it looked confused each time it ran into things and licked his face when he picked it up. The dog was like a combination of a windup doll and a ditzy prostitute, but more or less fluffy.

"It's a secret. What are you going to name him?" Tom asked, having satisfaction in his friend finally accepting the joys of the gift he had given him. In actuality, Drew had asked Tom to get prices on playhouses, but Tom found them all to be out of Drew's price range. He figured a ferret cage and a playhouse weren't too far off from each other, and wanted to see which was cheaper. To his utter shock, the ferret cage was more expensive.

"I don't know. Mr. Pickles?" David asked, naming the first name that came to his head, which coincidentally was the name of his goldfish when he was four. His mom had teased him for coming up with such a stupid name and he had made an oath to himself never to use the name again, but yet again, the first name he pulled out of his mind was the haunting Mr. Pickles.
"Davey, that's really gay. Mr. Pickles sounds like a clown. Normal people come up with things like Stumpy or Crip." Tom stated, mentally laughing to himself. David was one of the smartest people he knew but when it came to easy things like naming things or making up lies, he had the brain capacity of Stefani. That was one of the things he loved about David though, especially the fact that David could never lie to him (not that he ever would).

"I don't want to make him feel insecure about his deformity. It's bad enough the other dogs are going to pick on him the rest of his life, I don't need to add to that by coming up with a completely unsympathetic name like Stumpy. What about Token? We can call him Tok for short." David asked, making Tom laugh as he pet the puppy. Tom’s laugher was one of the best things in the world to him. It made him feel good even on days when he couldn’t do anything right to know that he could make his best friend laugh.

“Oh and Davey,” Tom said, looking up from the puppy, “I don’t care if we are best friends, if you tell anyone about this, I will kill you.” Tom warned, making David smile. Everyone always thought that Tom was a hardass who pretty much hated all people and was annoyed with the world, but if they knew half the things that David wasn’t allowed to tell anyone or Tom would “seriously kill him”, they’d probably see him as a hardass who pretty much hated all people and was annoyed with the world, but was also one of the most caring and decent people out there. David would never regret meeting Tom, no matter what could ever happened in the future.

The two took the puppy upstairs. Tom set out a sleeping bag, knowing that if he were to be caught walking into the house so late at night, his father would assume it was because he was out getting some girl pregnant (because obviously such acts of sex could only be performed at the very early hours of the morning), and he’d be in deep shit.

Suddenly, there was yet another tapping on the window. The two sighed and approached it to find Mike standing in David’s front yard. They quickly looked to each other, mentally trying to decide whether or not they were going to ignore him or open the window and let him be heard. They finally pulled the window open together, figuring Mike wouldn’t stand in the rain unless he actually had something important to say for once.

“David! You’re a fag! Hey, hey David! You’re, do you hear? You’re a fag!” Mike shouted, proving himself more of a dumbass then he normally was, which meant he was probably drunk.

Tom threw a baseball at Mike’s head.

a/n: I hope nobody takes offense to the Token thing. My sister's friend got a chihuahau and named it that, and i thought that it was funny so i used it.

Tonto: The answer is simple: it was four am. in the morning. You are a raging hormone queen, get over it. I will not forgive you for what you did to me in french. je ne t'aime plus. and i know you hate mike, but it's not right to write about everyone except him. he is a character lol.

alya34M: why thank you! yes, yes i do. I cannot tell you how many times i've gotten grounded for "expressing my freedom of speech" (/being a sarcastic smartass). Thank you for the review!