"Anonymous among strangers


I look for those


with hidden wings,



and for scars


that those who once had wings 
can't hide.



Though I know it's unfair,


I reveal myself


one mask at a time.



Does this appeal to you,


such slow disclosures,


a lifetime perhaps

of almost knowing one another?"

-Stephen Dunn

Kelly texted Bryant three days before her performance and said, 'can I come over?'

He texted back, 'no', and she called him.

"He's sleeping with someone." She said.

"Who? Jason?"

"He has hickies on his fucking legs! Like I wouldn't notice! He's like 'I ran into a table'. How fucking stupid," tears spring their way into her voice. "I know the difference between a fucking hickie and a bruise!"

"Kelly, listen… I like you. A lot, like, too much, but. You have the biggest performance of your life in a few days, and Jason loves you, and you should be with him, and do this, okay? Do what you came here to do."

"Are you kidding me? I don't even want Jason to be there; it's gonna fuck everything up. I'm so goddamn livid at him right now, it's ridiculous. How can he do this to me now? Is he completely fucking heartless? I mean, us," she paused to sniffle. "it's different. We actually like each other, but whoever this fucking whore… no offence… is, she doesn't even know him!"

"Kel, go home to him. Work it out, okay? Whatever is going on with you guys, it's something between you. I can't… I can't just be your back up like this." When Kelly didn't say anything, Bryant said, "Look, I gotta go, okay? I gotta get to work. It's getting late."

"Wait, Bryant. Fuck," she said softly. "I didn't want to have to say this over the phone, fuck. I… I don't want to be with Jason anymore, I want this to work, between us."

"Kelly, Jesus Christ." Bryant ran a hand over his face and exhaled. "I live in Chicago; you live in New York…"

"All these agencies are based in Chicago, Bry! If I get a job, I would be relocated out here anyway."

"Jason loves you, I don't…"

"…Jason doesn't love me. And you know what? I'm crying and everything, but… I don't know. I'm not that torn up about it. We care about each other, but we can't keep doing this to each other, you know? I would be so much happier with you, Bry."

"Kelly. Kelly, sweetie, look, you need time to think about everything. I'm sorry he cheated on you, he's a dick, okay? But sleep on it. Get some rest and we'll talk later."

And she just started crying.

"What do you want me to do? You want to just come over and go to bed and you think that'll make everything okay?"

"No," she sniffled. "I know that we can't make everything that easy, but… if you like me as much as you say, are you seriously not even gonna try?"

And Bryant didn't know. Didn't know if it was worth trying, didn't know if he could justify his actions with Jason well enough to start a relationship with his girlfriend. He didn't know if he could risk hurting the one person who he hadn't yet.

"Would it help if I told you that I think I'm falling in love with you?"

Bryant closed his phone and threw it up against the wall.

Him and Mot go out to work together that night, and standing side by side, a man in his early 30's pulled his car over and asked, "how much to watch you two?"

Mot swallowed and Bryant said, "fifteen hundred," and the man said, "hop in."

In the car, Bryant asked, "you're okay with this, right? You would have said something if you weren't?"

Mot nodded, and his hands were shaking in his lap. "Hey," Bryant took Mot's hand and the streetlights lit them like firecrackers. "this is gonna be over super quick, and we won't have to work for weeks, okay?"

Mot squeezed his hand, looked up at him and nodded. But he didn't look any more comfortable. Bryant leaned in close and rested his forehead against Mot's. Then he said, quietly enough so the man in the front seat couldn't hear: "you know I love you, right?"

Mot closed his eyes and said, "yeah."

*

Bryant shut the door when they got home two hours later, and Mot disappeared in the bathroom. Bryant changed into his pajamas and when he headed towards the bathroom, the door was still shut with the light on.

"Hey Mot?" Bryant knocked on the door.

The door opened. "What?"

Bryant's eyes widened and he shook his head. "Uhh… nothing. You've just been in there awhile."

"I was just brushing my teeth." Mot said, heading towards his room.

The thing was, it wasn't bad. The sex was good; it wasn't even awkward. And it wasn't awkward now, either. It was just off.

After taking a quick shower, Bryant knocked softly on Mot's door, but Mot didn't answer. He shut the door behind him when he walked in and sat on the edge of Mot's bed, and he said, "it was just sex, Mot."

Mot sat up suddenly in the dark, startling Bryant. "Stop saying that all the time!"

"What?"

"You just had sex with your roommate for $1,500. That doesn't bother you at all?"

"That's our money, Mot. We don't have to work for…"

"…you know what? I think I wanna work. I think I want some really shitty, college job like everyone else, I want to have a normal everyday job and I don't want to have to suck someone's dick for our electricity bill!"

Bryant was all tired eyes and blank faced when he said, "this isn't about the job."

Mot shook his head and he took a deep breath, but he didn't say anything. Bryant got up to walk out the door and then Mot asked, "is that all I'm worth to you? Fifteen hundred dollars?"

And Bryant had no idea what to say. Of course he was worth more than that. But by saying that, he felt like he was giving him some kind of illicit hope.

So he said nothing, and shut the door behind him.

*

Mot answered the door when Jason knocked a few days later. Bryant was on the couch doing homework. "You look nice." Mot said, studying Jason's shirt.

"Thanks."

"Hey," Bryant said. "what's up?"

"I was just wondering if you wanted to go to Kelly's thing with me."

Bryant twirled his pen against his temple. "I don't have a suit."

"Uh," Jason looked down at himself. "You don't really need one. I just thought it would be nice. For her."

"Oh." Bryant said. "Thanks, but I have a ton of homework to do, man. Sorry."

Jason nodded. "Well, we're leaving tomorrow, so I don't think I'll get another chance to see you. So,"

Mot disappeared into his room and Bryant smirked. "Well, then come here."

They met halfway for a hug and Bryant said, "call me if you're ever in town, okay?"

"Yeah." Jason said, breathing in Bryant's apple shampoo and the smell of his skin.

"Hey," Bryant said when Jason went to pull away. Bryant cradled Jason's face in his hands and kissed him softly and slowly on the lips, and when he pulled back, their lips made a smacking sound. "You and Kelly will be fine. You'll get home and everything will fall back into place, okay? I promise."

Jason nodded, and he knew it wasn't going to work that way.

"Tell Kelly I say goodbye, and good luck?" Bryant asked, patting Jason on the back.

Jason wanted to say, 'is this really the last time I'm going to see you?' Say, 'What kind of goodbye is this?' Say, 'I love you and I don't know what it means; don't leave me to figure it out by myself.' But he said, "I will."

*

Kelly threw up three times before she went on stage. Once when she first got there, once when her mom texted her to say she was here, and once right before she got on stage. The palms of her hands were sweating puddles onto the floor, her forehead was glazing with a soft sheen along her brow line, and she couldn't remember how to take deep breaths. All she should be thinking about right now if her performance; the routine. But she was thinking of where Jason was, if he was here, who the girl was, if Bryant was going to come. Did he know where it was? Should she let him know? Does she want him here? Does she want him around Jason? 'You have twelve hours to get out of this and be in the clear,' she said to herself. 'just go out there and dance. Just dance. Don't worry about who you're fucking, just dance.'

She sat down on the floor, stretching her legs out in front of her, and she thought, 'what if Jason brings Bryant and he meets my mom? Fuck, my mom knows everything; she always knows everything; she'll know. What if she says something?' She tried to take a deep breath to calm her nerves and clear her head, but it didn't do anything.

Once she got on stage, everything stopped. Her mind was clear, her palms didn't sweat. She was dry and sober, clear head, swift movements.

Everything was a blur.

*

Jason had roses waiting after the show. "You were gorgeous, Kelly. Flawless." He passed her the bouquet and kissed her on the lips before her mother found them in the crowd.

"Oh, honey." She put her hand to her chest and pulled her into her arms. "Those agents," her mom began. "they were talking about you all through the next performance, I heard them." She was beaming, burgundy lipstick turned upright into a smile. "I am so proud of you." Her mom grabbed her again, pulling her into a hug. "No one even noticed that little slip when you were going offstage."

"I didn't notice it." Jason offered.

"You guys hungry?" She offered. "I am starving, and Kel, you deserve a few drinks. Jason?"

"Sure; that'd be great."

*

They went to a bar and grill two and a half miles from Bryant's, and she texted him to come join them. He texted back, 'can't, sorry… how'd your dance go?'

'good. I tripped off stage tho.'

'cute lol. Very professional.'

"So," her mom said. "You want to stay in New York and dance? Or you wanna move somewhere else?"

Kelly opened her mouth to respond.

"Whatever you do," her mother continued. "Just don't move to Vegas and end up doing some trashy show there. Right, Jas?"

Jason laughed kindly. "Vegas is kinda trashy."

"I think I would want to stay here," Kelly said. "I like Chicago."

"Really?" Her mother raised an eyebrow. "What about New York? LA?"

"I think Chicago's a little more complicated than those cities." She took a sip of her wine and said, "it's so easy to get a job in LA, but they're not, like, serious jobs, you know? Jobs are a little harder to find here, but when you do, you know they're legit."

"What about New York?" Jason asked.

"Same thing." Kelly looked at Jason. "It's easier, but it's not real."

*

In the cab on the way back to the hotel, Jason tucked a strand of golden hair behind her ear and said, "I am really, really proud of you."

She looked over at him and her eyes were wide and tall in the streetlights that slipped in through the foggy windows. She saw his face, eyes soft: just seeing, not looking; mouth slack, hair flat, and she knew that he wanted. She just didn't know what.

She took his hand and kissed it, and all she could say was "thank you", and "it's okay."

And because it was okay, and because she loved him, she wanted him to have it. Have the girl who gave him the hickies on his thighs, wanted him to have whatever he was longing for, and she knew it wasn't her. And that hurt- of course, it hurt- but her holding onto him, trying to keep him back from what, as far as she could tell, was one of the only things that he had ever wanted in his whole life, wasn't going to make her want go away. She still felt just as unfaithful calling Jason out.

*

Kelly didn't sleep well at all. When dawn broke in through the heavy drapes in the morning, she went into the bathroom to put on some make up. She planned on running over to Bryant's to say goodbye before Jason woke up, but once she got into the bathroom and looked up into the mirror after washing her face, she wasn't sure if she could go. But she wasn't sure if she could make herself stay here, either. She just stood there for a moment, staring at her face, make up sprawled out in a pile at her hands.

She could go, and she would probably wake Bryant up, because it was barely eight o clock. Maybe they would have quiet goodbye sex because Mot would still be sleeping, and he would kiss her and tell her to go home, and she would have to come back here, smelling like sex. She could stay- cuddle up with her boyfriend who, despite the last month, loved her very much, and be fucking happy because she had just made her dream come true, and now all that was left to do was go home and relax. This should be the easy part.

She put on a light base of makeup and shut the door very quietly.

Bryant answered the door on the second knock, dressed in jeans and a worn hoodie with a toothbrush in his mouth.

"You're up."

"Class." He mumbled, opening up the door and ushering her inside. He met her on the couch after he finished up in the bathroom.

She shrugged. "Just saying bye, I guess."

He nodded, and then he said, "I love you, too, you know."

She looked up at him, ears reddening at the tips. "Excuse me?"

"The other day; you said it. And I didn't say it back, but I do. I do love you."

Her voice was cold when she said, "then what are you afraid of?"

He laughed lightly. "Kelly, I'm not afraid of anything, I'm just being logical."

"I am so over being logical! I have been logical all my life, and this," she motioned between them. "this is weird, and random, and it doesn't work, and it wasn't planned, and I want to see where it goes."

"You can't use a relationship as an experiment. We can't say that we love each other and then use that love to fuck around with."

"How else could we figure out if it would work, Bry?"

"It can't. It…" He took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say. "You and Jason have issues. But you love each other; you do. I saw you, and you were unhappy, and I wanted to help. It was never supposed to go as far as it did. You came here to dance, Kel. Not to have some 20's life crisis."

"Who cares what I came here to do? We were what happened! You can't just say you love me and then tell me to go home."

"I just wanted you to know."

She stood up out of frustration. "Okay, I know! I love you, too, so let's do something about it!"

"No!" He shouted. "We can't! You have a life with Jason, I have a life here. It won't work, Kelly. Why start something and then just both of us get hurt in the end?"

"You think I want to use us as an experiment? You used sex to comfort me; how fucked up is that? Jesus, everyone around you thinks you're the most put together person, but seriously, Bryant? You are so unbelievably fucked up, it's sick."

"Oh, and how's that?" He stood up to face her. "Because I don't put sex up on some pedestal and worship it? Because I use it to get what I want, or to help people?"

She shook her head and a small smile danced on her lips. "You're right. We wouldn't work, Bry." She walked over to the door and looked back and him and said, "you're so, so scared."

*

When she got back, Jason was still in bed. She opened up the heavy drapes and crawled into bed, bathing in the morning sunlight with him. She placed little kisses on his chest and up his neck, and whispered good morning in his mouth.

They took a hot shower together, washing each other's hair and not saying much. They checked out by eleven, and on the cab ride to the air port, he said, "things are gonna be so different now."

"Why's that?"

"If you really do move out here."

She looked out the window at the people crossing at the crosswalk up ahead. "I don't know," she admitted. "it seemed like a good idea when I said it. It really is nice here."

"Yeah, but it's hard. Jobs, finding apartments, all that."

"I know. So I probably won't."

"I thought you said you wanted something hard."

"It always sounds good in the beginning, but when things get rough, they get really rough, you know. I don't want to be that starving artist; that's not me."

"I know."

She paused, and then she said, "New York's easier. I think I'll stay there."