FROM THE DESK OF PRESIDENT JAMES BRICKMAN

Citizens of the United States, and of the world: I am pleased beyond compare to announce that the Age of Fear is coming to an end. For as long as time has been recorded, and perhaps even longer, vampires have terrorized our countries, towns, even homes when unknowingly invited to do so. Countless innocents have suffered at the hands of these animals; have become animals themselves, to the despair of their friends, families, and victims. No more.

My fellow humans, there is hope now.

For the past seven years, Secretary of Defense Henry Willis, Vice-President Gerald Bloom, and I have worked closely with Dr. Lyle Glum of Harvard College. Together, we have created what Dr. Glum calls an “eradication bomb.” Using a highly reactive and rapidly decomposing isotope of silver, we intend to launch the bomb into the atmosphere from Kennedy Space Center in Florida.

Once the missile reaches the proper altitude, it will be detonated, clouding the planet with a thick cloud of silver, destroying all of our undead adversaries, wherever they may be. Due to the rapid decomposition of the isotope, which I mentioned before, it will be of no harm to the human race or any other species of animal.

With this vampiric threat removed, perhaps humans can now live in peace with one another, no longer in fear of being murdered and consumed by their neighbors.

Thank you. God bless the human race.