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Robert Kingett.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Beowulf summery part two.

Dear diary.

You won’t ever believe what happened to me today. I mean it was so bad I'm still holding my stuffed kitty. Oh the agony, the pain, the sadness of it all! I want my mommy!

Sorry I ran off like that, I just wanted to cry a little, but guess what happened… Beowulf broke me. He didn't break my hair, but he broke something worse. My ego. I will explain what happened.

I guess someone by the name of wulfgar went to the door, and went inside to find Beowulf. I guess he told him about Grindle, and who had sent for him, but here's the "whoa..." part, okay? He says to just bring you, and yourself. No weapons but bring your armor. The pompous pig agrees and comes over to where Hrothgar is. He looks so bold and powerful walking up here that I just had to say something about it. I mean who wouldn't after all. Therefore, I go up to him and just have a chat with him is all. Get this, I said

”so, you’re like the hunk Beowulf? I expected you to be something like George w bush, or possibly, Michael Jackson, you know? Feared because he's like done some stupid things, but like all respected and stuff like that man. Example dude… your contest with Brecca on that ocean one day. Wow, talk about common sense. I guess you don’t have any. People like told you not to man, but like little girls, you didn't even think about listening!”

I did have a point you know… I mean come on; the person must have been a genetically modified version of George bush or something. He snapped at me so fiercely I felt like he could kill me with words.

Ah, unferth, my friend…”

“Wait. We’re friends?”

“Yeah man, don’t you remember me putting peanut butter on your toothbrush… classic.” He cleared his throat then continued.

“My friend. You do have a point there. However, I, like your mom, have many boring points that just seem to materialize out of thin air, and they’re not wrong, because even my ego is bigger than that of, say, Janet Jackson. Also, like her, I'm actually slightly ugly, and people scream when they see me. Because I have such a closed mind and everything, I think they’re gushing over me but in fact, they are scared of a wart or something on my face.

You, my dear sir, don’t even know what went on that day. You see, I was actually helping Brecca swim to shore. I stayed behind a few times so he wouldn't die. I swam beside him for the most part. The tide eventually swept me away like a good soap opera, and he and I were separated. I ended up on a shore with a whole bunch of Oprah like monsters. At first, they wanted to attack me with tips on how to be a better person by thinking and eating a certain way. To fend them off, I had to eat a bucket of ice cream, and politely ask if they would like my sword stabbed directly into their hearts and or eye sockets, then have their deaths be shown on YouTube. They said no, but they didn't listen to me for long. One approached and uttered one horrifying thing! “You’re getting to much cholesterol.” I should have expected this from an Oprah like creature, but I didn't. Because I forgot to take my medication this morning, I decided to kill them all. Therefore, I'm great, and even my hair is great. Don’t even get me started on what you did… you did such a horrible thing!”

“No! Please! Don’t! I beg you! Don’t utter it out loud.”

“Oh yes. You did something far worse than I… you became a male hair dresser!”

“you have done the unthinkable! I mean, you won’t even give me a discount…”

Just then however, king Hrothgar stood up from his throne.

“It seems you have the uncanny ability to get rid of truly creepy people Beowulf. Excellent! Oprah got on my last nerves a lot anyway, but now you have slain so many politicians, radio hosts, talk show hosts, and bag singers, that you are well known for your quick sword…” Beowulf stopped picking his nose. He wiped the contents in his hair before boasting:

“Thank you sir! I shall, unlike the people on jerry Springer, actually do something with my life. Don’t worry! Grindle shall be executed, just like good TV!”

“Glad to hear it! Off with you!” I watched in utter horror as Beowulf, brandishing his naked sword, moon walked out of there…

I don't know what to do diary. I just don’t. I have a feeling we all will be doomed. We will just have to wait however. I'm going to go do my hair because it relaxes me. Bye diary. I hope I can write in here later…

Later.

I can hear everything that's going on now. Everyone is in the great all now, and the queen is toasting Beowulf. The bad thing however, is that she has a lisp, and it is quite interesting to listen to her talk.

“I would like to propose a toast to my wonderful husband, and a great ruler… and a bad cook, Hrothgar!” the sounds of clinks can be heard where I am now. I'm guessing that Hrothgar drank deeply and happily, as well as appreciatively. Oh. Oops. I'm supposed to be in there!

She's pouring drinks now, going from solder to solder. They, we, all love to drink, so our faces lit up like neon signs when the cool liquid splashed into our cups.

“Oops!” the queen githawd with laughter. “I'm sorry! I forgot you!”

She's gaping at the great Beowulf now. I want to puke. She's trying to silently praise god or this magnificent hero. Please. He couldn't even play ball worth three chillings.

“I'm so honored to give you mead!” she gushed. Beowulf covered is giggles as he listened to her lisp.

“thank you I must assure you. the only reason I came here was to slay the horrid beast, and win the long made terror… or die by grindels… um… teeth… also while I'm here I may want to get a pedicure too...

The queen fainted after uttering “my hero!”