“I hate you, do you know that?”

Gwen just gave me a little pleading smile. “No, you love me.” Her small smile became strained. “Plus, it’d be awkward if I went by myself.”

I turned from the mirror and brandished the mascara brush at her. “And it’s not going to be completely awkward if I do go?” I gave an aggravated sigh and turned back to the mirror to finish my make-up.

“It’s just one party, Liz. Matt’s leaving in a few days for college. And there’ll be some other people there!”

That wasn’t the point. The point was that Matt was going to be there and it was going to strange and unsettling and all sorts of weird. See, way back in the innocent days of freshman year, I had dated Matt. And when Matt declared his undying devotion to me, I had freaked and dumped him. We had somehow stayed friends through the ensuing fallout. It was probably because we had the same group of friends. Now, years later and Gwen had a total thing for Matt. And I was totally cool with it. Really. Especially considering I was nursing a slight crush on my good friend Danny. But still. Completely cool with the fact that my best friend was crushing on my one and only ex.

There was a hesitant grin on Gwen’s face when I turned back to her. “I still hate you,” I reminded her.

Grin widening, she looped her arm through mine and started walking. “You’ll monitor my shots, right?” I just sighed as she pulled me out the door.

I knew it. Subtracting the fact that it was Matt’s party (which was already strange), but there was alcohol being passed around. And I didn’t drink! Oh hell.

I crossed my arms and tried to sink into the chair a little farther. Somebody yelled for a lighter and someone else called for music. Music blared at an annoyingly loud volume from the speaker next to me and I held back my grimace.

From across the room, Danny smiled at me and my stomach dissolved into butterflies. The butterflies turned into cannibalistic bats when Matt sat down next to me.

He smiled (those damn bats were tearing through my stomach lining now) and called over the music, “How you doing, Liz?”

I tried for a smile, but it felt like everything was wrong on my face. “I’m good. You?”

“Leaving in a few days. You know how it is.”

At a lost for words, I nodded and ducked my head, grateful that I had long hair to hide behind. Despite the music, the lack of words between us damn near tangible and so very very awkward. When I looked back up, his eyes were on me, dark and shy and making me feel warm all over. I quickly looked away again. Four years later and he still had a thing for me. Damn him. Damn me. Damn everything really.

Some divine power must have been looking out for me because that was when Danny came over and sat down, easily slinging an arm over the back of my chair. The skin of his arm was hot through the back of my shirt.

“Hey, Matt!” he said, a shit-eating grin on his face. Those damn bats in my stomach disappeared as he took a swig of beer. “How’s it going?”

The smile had soured on Matt’s face. “Good.” A lingering look on me and Danny’s arm. “All good.” The sickly smile on his face widened a little and then abruptly vanished as he stood and disappeared in the crowd of people.

I let out a sigh, not quite sure if it were from relief or happiness or regret, and turned to Danny, smiling at him. Leaning in a little, I said, “Thanks,” and tried not to giggle as he grinned at me and pulled me a little closer with his arm.

Reality cracked. “Wha- what are you doing?” I knew I had to look a fool. One of the few people nowhere near drunk and I was goggling at someone smoking a cigarette. But it was Matt. The shy, sweet, spineless boy that I knew…smoked. Strange that something so small, so insignificant, was the thing that was altering my reality.

Matt laughed, loudly. “Smoking.” He sucked at the cigarette and blew smoke from his nose. I turned to Gwen. She was smirking at me, probably already used to it; seeing my gaping expression must have been too much though, because she began to laugh.

“Look at her!” she giggled, pointing at me. Trying to fight down her laughter, she forced out, “Come on, Liz, you knew he smoked.”

“Yeah, but—but that’s different from seeing it!”

Some of the elders around the table were giving me condescending looks and making me feel like a bumbling idiot. It didn’t help that most people were already smoking. Even Gwen—although she had supposedly quit—was reaching across the table to—wait, what? Reaching across the table to snag Matt’s cigarette from his mouth to place it in her own. Her eyes were half-lidded, dragging along his body heavily. But she just pursed her plush lipsticked mouth a little and turned her face away.

I had never wanted to smoke as much as I did then. I just wanted to grab the cigarette from her and—what? Smoke? As if I could. Realizing the silliness of my thoughts, I shook my head a little and tried to stop from glaring when Matt smiled at her.

Gwen was laughing and leaning over so her cleavage would show some more. Grasping at the vodka bottle, she put it at her mouth and took a shot. When she was done, she swiped the back of her hand fiercely across her mouth and bared her teeth in a parody of a smile. She handed the bottle back to a random reaching hand from someone in the circle.

Heavily, she leaned on me and breathily asked, “How many shots has that been, Liz? Hmm?” She closed her eyes and giggled.

I looked down at her—her with her smeared make-up and alcohol-cigarette-smoke breath and curvy body and glossy lips and pretty words—and tried not to hate. At her for drinking and smoking and being herself, at guys for falling for her, at Matt for everything and anything. At me, for feeling anything, at all, ever. “I…I’m not sure,” I mumbled.

She looked at me from under thick lashes and pouted. “You were supposed to keep count, Liz!” Another giggle. “Man, I am so tipsy,” said lowly, breathlessly.

Danny reached from the other side of me and petted her. “I think you’ve had a bit too much if you’re drunk this early.” She smiled prettily at him and pushed into his hand. I turned my face away from them and attempted a smile when I saw that Matt was looking at me.

There was an unlit cigarette behind his ear and a half-filled bottle of beer in his hands. The fluorescent lights on the ceiling were sparking in his eyes and there was something dark and not-nice and so not-Matt on the corners of his mouth. Then his gaze shifted from me to Gwen and his mouth gentled into a pleasant smile. I fought a snarl when I saw that Danny’s hand was still on Gwen’s hair.

Everybody slowly disappeared and laughter started coming from the back room. I had no idea what was going on, but my mind was heading dirtily for orgy. Soon, it was just Danny, me, and some passed out chick.

He lifted his eyebrows at me and muttered, “I’m glad you don’t do that stuff, Liz,” tilting his head towards the back room, as if for emphasis.

I’m sure I must have looked lost. “Um…what are they doing back there exactly?”

His eyebrows headed up a few more centimeters. “Smoking.”

But everybody had been smoking cigarettes out here and…huh. So they meant Gwen and Matt…oh. My reality shifted a bit more.

My voice was just this side of shrill when I asked, “And what about you, Danny? Not your scene?”

He shifted a bit closer to me, arm pressing on my neck just a bit more, and said, “Not really. Don’t like the feeling that much.”

“Oh.”

His smile was sweet as he leaned a bit closer. “Yeah. Oh.” We were unbearably close when people stumbled into the room and startled me enough to jump away.

When Matt and Gwen stepped into the room, Matt was carrying the joint. Gwen, nuzzling at his neck, had her arms wrapped around him, and his free arm was wrapped around her waist. I could hear her muffled laughter as he brought the joint to his mouth and inhaled.

Reality broke into pieces.

Quietly, I stood and walked over to Matt and Gwen. “I think I’m going to be heading out.” At my words, Gwen untangled herself and Matt passed the joint to someone else.

Gwen looked horribly sad, as if I were dying or something. She took one of my hands between hers and petted it. “Are you sure, Liz? I mean, I know you’re probably bored and everything since you won’t do anything, but I mean…” she trailed off. Then, said ponderingly, “Her hands are soft. Pet her hands, Matt.”

Part of me wanted him to, just so I could feel his touch, but the other parts were protesting loudly against that idea. When Gwen turned her bright smile on Matt and his smile did that shy-sweet-aw-shucks thing, I half feared he would. Instead he just looked at me and asked, “Will you be okay getting home?” He moved away from Gwen and into my personal space.

Now, while we didn’t live in a complete ghetto, our small city still posed its dangers. There were gangs and shootings and drug dealers and…

“I’ll be okay,” I forced out and even went for a smile.

Then I looked at silly, sweet, drunk/high Gwen and felt all my protective instincts rear up. “Don’t do anything really stupid Gwen.” When she just looked blankly at me, I tacked on, “Just don’t get into any cars with any drunk idiots, okay?” She bobbed her head and smiled dreamily, off in her own world.

Downright fretting now, I turned to Matt. “Don’t you dare let her into any cars.” He was giving me that sweet country boy smile despite how he was a certified city boy. “I mean it. You let her do anything really stupid, I will kill you.” And I smiled at him, completely serious in my threat.

He just sighed a little. “She’ll be fine. I’ll watch out for her.” His eyes were doing that whole warm-sparking thing at her again.

I resisted the urge to throw my hands in the air and started heading towards the door. His hand was on the small of my back, guiding, and I could feel the strength of it through the thinness of my shirt. We stopped at the front door, him damn near towering over me and me feeling tiny and silly.

I looked back at Gwen, who was happily downing some more alcohol. Then I aimed my glare on Matt. “Make sure she’s safe. She’s in your—,” hands, I wanted to say, but all that came out was a squeak. Matt’s hand, all warm and big and strong, was running up and down my back, gently, ceaselessly. The resulting shiver started in my toes and went slowly, warmly, all the way up to my head. Looking away uneasily, I forced the words. “Hands.” Then remembering Gwen’s self-proclaimed easiness when drunk and/or high, firmly added, “Not literally, I mean,” and wagged my finger in his face.

He smiled softly at me and my knees disappeared. “She’ll be okay.” His eyes strayed back over to her and lingered.

Uneasy once more, I stepped away from him, quickly said, “Bye,” and walked out the door.

The dark, well, was darker than I thought. Dark was fine in a bedroom or a house. In the middle of a not-that-safe city? A little frightening.

I was only a few houses away from Matt’s when Danny jogged up to me. “Leaving without a goodbye?” Grinning at me, teeth shining white in the night.

I stepped closer to him. Danny, all tall and broad shouldered and strong. Me, coming only up to his chin and probably half his weight. So what if I was a total girl in asking, “How about you say goodbye after you walk me home?” Smiling up at him and hope, hope, hoping he’d agreed.

He breathed out a sigh. “Of course. I was going to offer if you didn’t ask.” His face was stern when he continued with, “You shouldn’t be walking around this late by yourself. We both know the kind of people that live around here.” Yeah. Bad people, most of the time.

I looped my arm through his and pressed close to him. “Well, now I’m not walking by myself, so it’s okay.”

The sound of my key in the lock of the front door was horrifically loud in the silence of the night. With the door open to the house and the too-bright light of the porch light, I wasn’t all twitchy any more.

Of course, when I turned back to Danny and saw him standing right next to me, that twitchy feeling came back. But I welcomed it and smiled at it and nearly blushed.

That twitchy vanished abruptly when I saw the dark of night past him. “Stay here.”

Danny leaned back a little. “What?”

I grabbed him and pulled him into the house, shutting and locking the door behind us. When I faced him again, he was staring at me like I was crazy. “You’re staying here,” I said and walked into the living room. “I don’t want you getting shot or something because you’re walking so late.” Which, in this city, was not an unfounded fear.

Despite this whole thing being for safety and not for jumping his bones, the butterflies came back anyway. “You can sleep on the couch?” I offered.

He was standing next to me and had both big hands cupping my face in the time it took me to blink. “You’re just being all protective again, aren’t you? I saw your show with Matt about Gwen. You’re so tiny and yet you can be so scary when you want to be.” He laughed lightly and leaned down a little. “God, you’re so cute.”

I could hear my blood pounding in my ears. Trying to get air back into my lungs, I tried to step away. “And you’re drunk.”

He kept me close but frowned a little at me. “Not really. The buzz wore off a little bit ago.” He leaned down again, only inches between us. “And I’ve been wanting to do this for a while anyway.”

And then he kissed me. He was like Matt in that they were both tall and strong and wonderfully broad-shouldered. Matt’s kisses had been sweet and gentle and almost chaste. Danny’s mouth, however, was strong and fierce against mine; one strong hand was running up and down my back, pressing me closer to him with every stroke, the other hand coming up to sear the back of my neck.

When he pulled back, all I could manage was an, “Oh.”

Laughing, he laid down on the couch and pulled me with so I was lying on his chest. He was so very warm beneath my hands and I could feel the pounding of his heart in my whole body.

“Just oh?” he asked.

I pressed my mouth to the underside of his jaw, feeling the scrap of the barely there stubble. “This is good,” I tried.

He lifted my face with one broad hand and gave me a lingering kiss. In turn, I pressed a sweet kiss at the corner of his mouth

“This is great. Wonderful,” I tried again. He ran his hands down my back and felt the resulting shiver. I could feel his smile against my mouth. “I can’t think of any words that describe this well enough.”

I tasted his laughter. “I can work with that.”