CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

The next few days went by extremely slowly for Charlotte. Her friends were worried about her. She had told them about the breakup when she went to school the next day, but she didn’t want to talk about it any farther. They didn’t want to press her, but they were obviously afraid that not talking about it was just making her more depressed. They seemed torn about what to do. Whenever it seemed like they were going to bring it up, Charlotte made some excuse and left.

Living with her grandparents was better than dealing with her mother, but her grandparents weren’t very distracting. For the most part, Charlotte was in her room at their house alone, trying to find things to occupy her time with.

Charlotte hadn’t spoken to her mother since the incident, and she had no desire to either. However, she was running out of clothes to wear. She had had some stashed away at her grandparent’s house, but not enough to last. So the next week, after school one day, when Charlotte knew her mom would probably be working, she went to the house.

Charlotte parked in the driveway. The place looked strange to her now that she hadn’t been there in over a week. She was surprised at how quickly it had become unfamiliar to her. It no longer felt like home. No place did to Charlotte anymore. She went to the door and expected to have to unlock it. She was surprised to find it was already unlocked. So she pocketing her keys and opened the door. She went straight to her bedroom.

Charlotte was surprised to find her mother in her bedroom. She was passed out on the bed. Charlotte wondered if she was supposed to be at work. She decided that it would be too weird to just ignore her and attempt to pack her things while she was just lying there.

So Charlotte went up to the bed and gave her mother a shake, trying to wake her up. She didn’t respond, so Charlotte slapped her lightly on the cheek a few times. “Come on, Mom, get up. Let’s just make it over to your room real quick, okay?”

Maureen still didn’t respond, and Charlotte wondered just how much she had had to drink. The room reeked of alcohol, but that wasn’t really any indication. Charlotte looked over her mother’s face, and realized that she seemed very still. She put her ear close to Maureen’s head, but she couldn’t hear or feel any breath. She quickly picked up her mother’s wrist and checked for a pulse. It was there, but it was faint.

Charlotte had no time to think. She just acted. She whipped her phone out of her pocket and quickly dialed 911. She was surprised that she was able to remain calm as she told the person on the other line her address, and answered all her questions. The ambulance was there in less than two minutes. Charlotte was extremely grateful.

Charlotte followed the ambulance to the hospital in her own car. She waited impatiently in the waiting room for news. She paced about, unable to keep still. She jumped when her phone rang, she was so startled. It was Kia. Only then did Charlotte remember. There was a game that day, and the bus had probably already left. She answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Where the hell are you?” Kia asked. “If you keep doing this, Coach is going to kick you off the team!”

“I’m sorry, I…I went home.”

“And?”

“Its my mom. Something happened. I’m at the hospital right now.”

Kia’s tone immediately changed to one of concern and worry. “Oh my gosh, is she okay? Are you okay? What happened?”

“She…I just…you know, I can’t really talk about it right now. I’m too worked up. Just, tell the coach for me please.”

“Well, wait, do you want us to come to the hospital to be with you? The bus just left. I can have them drop me off or something.”

“No, no, its okay. I’m fine. I want you guys to go to the game.”

“Charlotte-.”

“I’m okay. Really. Don’t worry about me. I’m sure everything will be fine. You just win for me, okay? Okay, I’ll talk to you later.” Charlotte hung up before giving Kia a chance to speak. She immediately continued her pacing.

Charlotte didn’t know how long she was there. But eventually she sensed someone coming up behind her and whirled around, thinking it was the doctor. It wasn’t. It was Jake.

Charlotte’s first response was shock, which seconds later turned to anger. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Kia called me,” said Jake with a somber expression. “She said that…you might need someone.”

Charlotte couldn’t believe Kia. She knew that they had broken up. Why had she called Jake? What was she trying to pull?

“What happened?”

“Its my mom,” said Charlotte. “I think she drank too much. I don’t know what happened. I just went home and I found her there….” Charlotte started thinking about it again. Suddenly she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She felt that she had been barely holding herself together but now it was just too much. Everything that she had tried so hard to hold in was beginning to fall apart at the seams. She started hyperventilating, and the people around the waiting room were all staring at her.

“Here, come on,” said Jake, grabbing Charlotte by the hand and leading her away from the people. He found a door into a stairwell and pulled her in it. Once in a private space, Charlotte felt like she could really let go. She leaned over, clutching her chest and gasping for breath.

“Just breathe,” Jake said, putting his hands on her shoulders. “In and out. Concentrate.”

Charlotte did what he said. It seemed like sound advice. Eventually, her breathing slowed.

“Why are you here?” she asked once she had gotten herself under control. She shook Jake’s hands off her shoulders.

“I thought that maybe you needed me,” said Jake. “I’m sorry.”

“I can’t deal with this right now.”

“I’m not here to make you deal with me, Charlotte. I just came to make sure you were okay.”

“Okay? Okay? I’m not okay! Of course I’m not okay! Everything’s falling apart! I hate this!”

“Charlotte-.”

“No! No! I can’t do this. I can’t do this again! I can’t! I just went to get my stuff and she was just lying there. I thought she was sleeping but she wasn’t breathing. It was just like before and I was so scared. I’m so scared. I just…I can’t do it again.”

Charlotte let herself fall back against the wall, feeling spent. She slid down to the ground and rested her face in her hands. She took a minute to compose herself. She had to pull herself together, as always. Freaking out was going to get her nowhere. When she was sure she was in control of herself, she stood back up, running her hands through her hair.

“Its okay. I’m okay,” she said determinedly.

“You’re not okay, Charlotte,” said Jake, concerned. “You always say that but it’s never true.”

“Yes, it is. I’m fine.”

“How long are you going to keep doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“Running away.”

Charlotte was indignant. “I’m not running away!”

“You are. You never talk about anything. You just keep it all bottled up inside until it explodes. You keep trying to make everyone believe that you have it all under control but really its all just slipping away from you, and you refuse to deal with it. If you keep this up, you’re going to implode.”

Charlotte felt she was going to implode right there. But still, she felt defiant. “I’m fine,” she said, though she didn’t look Jake in the eye.

“Charlotte, have you ever even cried about all of this?”

Charlotte looked up at Jake, startled by the question. “What?”

“I’ve never seen you cry. No matter what happens, no matter what we’re talking about. You never cry. Ever. I mean, it just makes me wonder. Did you ever cry about your dad? About your mom’s drinking? About being bullied?”

“Its not a big deal,” Charlotte shrugged. “I just don’t cry. I’m just not a big crier.”

“That’s bull shit. Tell me the truth, did you cry at all about your dad?”

Charlotte wanted to lie, but she knew Jake would see through it. So she just shook her head and said again, “Its not a big deal.”

“Don’t you see what you’re doing? You’re never going to get past any of this if you just ignore it, Charlotte. You can pretend that you don’t care and that you’re moving on, but its all going to fall apart eventually.”

Was that what was happening now? Charlotte thought of the night where she had gone to her old house. She thought she was going crazy. Was Jake right? Was she just slowly imploding upon herself? She didn’t want to think it was true, that she was that ignorant of all of it.

“I can hold it together,” said Charlotte. “I can hold everything together if it try.”

“You really think you have it together, Charlotte?” Jake asked skeptically.

“Fuck you!” Charlotte said, turning to anger to avoid the issue. “What do you know? You and your perfect little life with your perfect little family! You don’t know shit about what I’m going through!”

“Then why don’t you tell me?”

“No! That’s not the way it works.”

“Why not? Why can’t you just talk about it?”

“Because! Its not…I just…I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why not?” Jake pressed.

Charlotte felt that he was on her last nerve. She really did feel like exploding. “Because!”

“Why?”

“Because it hurts too much! I don’t want to think about it, okay? I don’t! And you’re always just pushing and prodding and I hate it! I hate it, okay? I hate it!”

Charlotte expected Jake to look smug, like he had won, like she had just proven him right. But he didn’t. He just looked at her with such a sad expression that it just made Charlotte even more mad.

“Its okay to feel something, Charlotte. It’s okay to not have it all together all the time.”

Charlotte remembered saying similar words to her grandmother. She thought she was the one in control at that time, but she was wrong. What Jake was saying had the ring of truth to it, and it made Charlotte so mad. All her muscles were tensed and she couldn’t relax them no matter how hard she tried.

“You can talk to me,” Jake said encouragingly.

“Just shut up! I don’t want to talk to you! I hate you!” The words just slipped out and Charlotte felt liberated. So she said it again. “I hate you! I hate you!” Charlotte couldn’t control herself. She attacked Jake as she said the words, over and over again, hitting him and punching him until he was backed up against the wall. Jake let her do it, for some time, but then he grabbed her wrists and held her firmly in place.

“Let go! Let go!” Charlotte struggled, but Jake’s grip was too strong. “I hate you.” Charlotte’s resolve was melting away. Her voice no longer sounded confident and angry, just weak and trembling. And to her surprise, she felt the tears well up in her eyes. She had almost forgotten what it felt like to cry. She tried to stop it, but a sob escaped her throat, and then she was crying full force, and there was nothing she could do to maintain it. Jake wrapped his arms around her, and Charlotte let him, not wanting to fight anymore. She cried into his chest, wetting his shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind. She cried all the tears that she had been holding in, and Jake waited it out, not saying a word, letting her get out all that she had been holding in for so long.