He stumbled through the door, soaking wet, with his blue plaid button-up shirt hanging open on one side. Small drops of water were settled on his chest, and his dark hair stuck to his face around his eyes, his damp, tight, blue jeans now clung even tighter than usual. Just until the very bottoms of the each leg, which were ragged from being stepped on too many times. He wasn’t wearing shoes. The pants were long and flared at the bottom, all I could see of his feet were the first four toes sticking out from under the wet fabric.

It would have been a beautiful thing to look at, had he not been crying.

He didn’t acknowledge me as he trudged through the house, sniffling softly and wiping his eyes. His breath was short and ragged, and I could tell he was trying to hold back, trying to stop, perhaps so I wouldn’t notice. But how could I not notice? My eyes were always on him.

“Alex,” I stood up, but didn’t approach him. “What the hell happened?”

He stopped, and glanced at me from the corner of his eye. I couldn’t tell the difference between his tears and the water that dripped from his hair and onto his cheeks. “We broke up.”

That said it all. Alex was my flat mate and had been since we both turned eighteen. We met while working at a fast-food restaurant two years before, and have been tight ever since. Tighter than I am with either of the two friends I’ve had since elementary school. Alex was great. He was unnaturally kind, but not so much friendly, too shy to be considered so. The kind of person that can light up your day if you just take time to have any sort of conversation with him. No matter what he’s talking about, he’s always considerate, always looks at emotions before technicalities. The type of person who can really make you feel wanted.

He was gay, though. And his one flaw was his unfailing ability to fall in love with the worst types of men. Over the years I’ve known him he’s claimed to have fallen for six different people. Not that I don’t believe he loved them, that’s the kind of person he is. He falls so fast. The problem is the fact that those he loves quite often don’t love him back, even though they claim to.

The first was a guy named Lionel Preston. They were going out when we first met, and had been for months before. Lionel was an aspiring kid, even at sixteen. His parents were average scholars and received modest paychecks, but Lionel went much further. At sixteen he was in the process of rising to become the assistant manager of a large television network. Mostly due to his exceptional IQ and luck when his ex-girlfriend’s father, who owned the network, took him under his wing. Alex talked about how Lionel was going to become rich and they would move into a big house and spend their lives together without a care in the world. I had to smile just listening to him fantasize and describe what could have only sounded so wonderful as long as he was the one describing it.

Then, Lionel disappeared. No phone call, not a word, not even a text. Alex never heard from him again. Now, at twenty years old, we’ve discovered he’s completely taken over the network and is married to a woman that is pregnant with another man’s child.

The second guy was Peter Shred. A high-school drop out that picked Alex up at a gay bar hardly a month after Lionel disappeared. Long story short, Peter was two-timing him. No, actually, he was four timing him. And he claimed to love every one of his four boyfriends, who apparently didn’t know about each other either. I only wonder what any of them saw in him in the first place.

The next was Chase. I don’t remember his name, because at this point I purposely kept my interest away from Alex’s affairs. I don’t know much about what happened, all I know is one way he was telling me he thought Chase was the one, and the next he wouldn’t even look at me for fear I’d see how red the tears and rubbing of his eyes had turned his face.

The worst of the six was Lars Adlam, who was pushing thirty years while Alex was barely seventeen. Lars was married, but claimed his marriage was simply for his image, and that Alex was the one he truly loved. Only a week after love was confessed, Alex wound up in the hospital because Lars had beaten him so hard, he couldn’t hide it anymore. According to the police the wife had been beaten on a regular basis as well.

Had Lars not gone to prison, I’m positive I would have killed him. Alex is the last person something like that should happen to. How even the most messed up of assholes could bring themselves to lay a hand on him was far beyond me. Ever since then, I never stopped worrying about him.

Next in line was a friend of mine, a guy I’d known since third grade, named Foster. They dated for almost a year, until Foster just decided to end it. Later I found out that Alex had told Foster he loved him a few times, and Foster had never replied. It figures, Foster has never been the type to have a lasting relationship, almost as if he’s incapable. I just wish I would’ve realized that sooner. In the heat of the moment, I punched Foster’s face in and broke his nose.

Last was this insanely gorgeous guy, called Daniel. Even a straight man could not deny how attractive Daniel was. What was more, he was also sweet and he treated Alex great, like he deserved. Despite being weary of him at first, even I couldn’t say no when asked if he was good enough for Alex. Daniel and I had even become somewhat of friends.

As of this morning, Alex was still with Daniel. But lately they’ve been going through a relationship crisis. It was on and off, they’d break up one day, be together for a week and then break up again. Alex had thoroughly convinced me that it was normal, something that every couple goes through. That Daniel was just having a hard time with college and he was stressed, and that it would pass.

But the more often he comes home crying, the less I believe it. As much as Alex has cried within the time I’ve known him, he doesn’t do it very easily. I guess he’s just unlucky enough to frequently have a good reason to cry.

I walked over to him carefully and gently placed my shaking hand on his shoulder. As soon as I did, he broke out in tears and threw an arm around my neck, pulling me close and burying his face in my shoulder. Truth be told I’m terrible with comfort, terrible at being physically close to people. But as long as he initiated it as he had, I was fine just holding him for as long as he needed.

He cried against me for a few more moments before he seemed to force himself to suck it up, and stepped back away from me. “Sorry.” He said. I knew what he was apologizing for, but pretended I didn’t, just to give the idea that it was okay for him to cry on me. Even though I am who I am I’m still his friend and despite my hate for affectionate physical contact, I want to at least try to be there for him.

“It’s just…” He breathed out a long, shaking breath. “…I think it’s for good this time.”

I looked down at his feet, wondering vaguely where his shoes had gone. “What happened?” I asked softly.

His eyes started to fill with water again. “I don’t know… everything was going fine. We… we were doing great. I think we were…” He looked down at his unbuttoned shirt. “…About to take the next step and then he got a call. After he hung up he just seemed so angry all of the sudden. He started talking about how needy everyone was and how he would never have time for someone like me…” He rolled his eyes, as if to suggest he felt that Daniel was over reacting. “…And then he just told me to get out. I told him it was raining and I didn’t have my car and he just yelled at me about how he couldn’t control the weather. After that I got scared… I remembered Lars, and just… ran home.” He sauntered over and sat on the edge of the couch.

“Sounds like a bad fight.” I said. “But he didn’t say anything about breaking up.”

Alex leaned back and hugged his knees, hiding the lower part of his face behind them. “He told me he didn’t have time for me and then told me to get out.” He mumbled. “Sounds like a break up to me.”

I sat down on the couch as well, leaving a large space between us.

“Maybe just wait until tomorrow, and if he doesn’t call, call him.” I said. “I think it’ll be okay.”

I watched him press his face against the crack between his knees, and then he got up. “I’m going to take a shower.” He said, wiped his eyes, and then practically dragged himself to the bathroom.

I wish he could find someone that wasn’t so blind, someone who could see how great he was, how lucky they were to have him. Someone who would at least try to understand and love him. Someone who wouldn’t let their mood affect how they treated him. Someone who could make him smile, so that when he came back here, he was still smiling. Because that’s what he deserved.

To stop beating around the truth, I am completely and maddeningly in love with Alex Hanover. I have been for nearly four years. And for nearly four years, he’s believed that I am entirely and proudly heterosexual.

Well, fuck me.

----------

The next morning, I sat at the café down the street, eating jellied toast and a small portion of scrambled eggs for breakfast like I did every weekend. Alex was still asleep, as he usually was until at least ten AM. Last night after he showered, we didn’t interact at all. I figured he wanted to be alone, as he usually did after something like this happened. I wish there was more I could do, some way I could comfort him, or help him.

I was in the process of scooping my last fork of eggs into my mouth, when someone slid in across from me.

My eyes widened. “Daniel?” Then, slowly, they narrowed.

“Hi, Cameron.” He said, sounding awkward. He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand and then folded both on the table in front of him. “Is Alex okay?”

I crossed my arms. “He was crying when he came back last night, and soaking wet.” I glared hard at him from across the table.

He sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. I acted to quickly… and then got angry… and he ran.”

“And you didn’t chase him?” I leaned forward quickly. Gripping the edge of the table angrily. Perhaps a little too angrily, because Daniel looked surprised. I scoffed and leaned back, crossing my arms and trying to calm down. “He doesn’t want it to be over.” I said.

“Neither do I!” Daniel threw in quickly.

“Then you can apologize. And then everything should be okay.” I shrugged, and reached out to pick up my glass of milk. I took a short sip, and then set it back down.

“Well, thanks, Cam.” He always called me that without thinking, Cam. I’d told him on more than one occasion that I liked to be called by my full name. “I just wanted to know what state of mind he was in. I’ll fix it, I promise.” He said.

“Well, good.” I shrugged. “And don’t fuck it up again. If I ever see him come home crying again because of you, I’ll kill you.” I glared.

He chuckled, as if trying to keep the mood light, but it was a nervous chuckle. “Sorry for the trouble. I really am.” And then he got up, and left. I didn’t stop glaring until he was out of sight.

So, now they’re going to get back together again, and next weekend we’ll likely go through the same thing. Same as it has been for the past four weeks. As much as I want to agree with Alex, that it’s just something that couples go through, this seems like a bit much. I’ve never heard of constant short-term break-ups ending in anything but one big lifetime break-up.

I often asked myself why I didn’t just tell Alex how I felt. I mean, it’s not like he could hold it against me that I’m gay, and it’s not as if his sexuality doesn’t permit him to like me back. If it isn’t simply that I’m trying far too desperately to conserve my straight image, it’s just that I feel I’m not good enough for him. I love him, and I know I’d treat him well. But that’s only half of what he deserves. I’m not gorgeous like Daniel, or even close to as beautiful as Alex himself, and I’m not funny or cool or smart either. I can’t even comfort him properly when he’s going through a hard time. All I have is love and for Alex… that just isn’t enough.

But on top of all that, I think what holds me back the most is how afraid I am of being rejected.

I folded my arms on the table in front of me and buried my face in them.

“Excuse me, sir, are you finished?” A male voice made me jump. I looked up to see a blond waiter that looked about my age, holding the edge of my plate as if wondering if he could take it.

“Yeah, sorry.” I said.

“Oh, that’s fine.” He said cheerfully, picked up the dish, and left my table.

I should probably get home and inform Alex that Daniel wants to try again.

“Fuck.” I sighed loudly and leaned back, smacking my head purposefully on the back of the chair.

Alex was just coming out of the bathroom, rubbing a towel through his hair, when I came through the door. When he spotted me, he gave me a lazy smile and I returned it.

“I ran into Daniel at the café this morning.” I said. All of the sudden he was staring straight at me, his eyes lit up with hope, like what I just said could have been the answer to all his problems. I had to look away. “He said he’s sorry and he wants to talk to you.”

All of the sudden his chest was pressed against my side, and his arms wrapped around my torso. The top of his head was against my arm, and I could see him smiling. “Thanks for talking to him for me.” He said.

I shrugged. “I just made replies, he really did all the talking. He seemed really upset and sorry.” I mumbled, hating myself for giving Daniel everything. Alex looked up at me with a tiny grin, and then stepped back.

“I’m going to go call him now!” He said happily, and ran into the next room. I just stood there listening to his bare feet pattering against the hard floor until he was out of sight. Then I fell against the wall, and slid down it until I hit my ass, burying my face in my hands.

He’d never understand what he did to me.

------

Not long after calling Daniel, Alex had left for a date. He said that after they went to lunch and a movie, they’d come back to the house together with snacks and drinks. This is what I have to look forward too, watching the love of my life and his less than perfect boyfriend snuggle up and make out on the couch I used to enjoy sitting on. Oh well, at least I’d have a bunch to eat and drink. Maybe if I drank enough I could make an excuse and go to bed before I had to see anything too intimate. Not that Alex was that indecent, but Daniel was. Daniel would initiate anything in front of anyone and because Alex was Alex, he’d go along with it.

But whatever though, it’s not like I wasn’t used to things like this.

I decided to call Foster out of randomness. Yes, in case you were wondering, Foster and I are still friends. I can’t say we haven’t slightly grown apart, though. I can’t stop feeling like he used Alex, can’t accept the idea that it was just something that happened. Still, he and Jayla, a girl I’d known even longer, were my only good friends aside from Alex. And because Jayla hardly ever talks about anything but being madly in love with her boyfriend, I wasn’t really up to a conversation with her. Happy couples make me sick.

“Hey, Camo.” Foster answered. “Haven’t talked to you in almost a week, what’s up?”

“Nothing, really. I was just bored.” I shrugged.

“Well, good to know I can be your escape from boredom.” He said. I could sense something about how we were supposed to be more than that in his voice, you know, the idea that I should call him because I want to not just because I’m bored. He’s like that, and I’m like this. If he doesn’t like it, he can fuck off.

“Yeah well, I guess we’re both into the whole using people business.” I mumbled.

“Ouch.” Foster replied. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to convince you that it wasn’t like that…”

“No, you won’t.” I interrupted.

“Fine.” He sighed. “Anyway, how’re Alex and Daniel?” I scoff. For some reason he always likes to talk about them. I’d like to say it was to spite me, but it couldn’t be because Foster has also been convinced that I am straight. And what’s more, hasn’t the slightest idea of my feelings for Alex. In fact, no one does, except me. That’s the way I like it… I think.

“They’re fine.” I lied. “Coming over later to watch some movies.”

“Hmm.” He chuckled. “I’ll bet that will be fun for you.”

I snorted. “Sure. I just love watching lovely male-to-male couples slobber each other all over my couch.”

“Do they really do that?”

“I was exaggerating a bit. But Daniel is a complete pervert.”

“Ah, no one’s good enough for your Alex, eh?” There was a little quirk in his voice, and it wasn’t a good one.

“What the hell does that mean?” I spat, maybe a little too defensively.

“Nothing, Hetero.” He replied, and then let out an audible sigh through the phone. “So how’s your love life?” He said.

“Non-existent.” I gave him my very practiced reply.

“As usual.” He snorted. “When was the last time you had a girlfriend?”

“High School.” I said casually, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“You mean, High School before you met Alex.” He said. What? What does he mean by that? “I think you’re way too tied down to him.” He said in a very thoughtful voice.

“He doesn’t tie me down…”

“You tie yourself down, to him. Because you’re so damn worried about what’s going to happen. He’s older than you are, remember?”

“Biologically.” I grumble. He acts like he’s younger, and I guess I see him as if he’s younger and have an urge to protect him.

“He can take care of himself. Do something for yourself for a change, I mean really. You’re practically a virgin.” He snorted.

Actually, I am a virgin. But he doesn’t know that. Everyone just assumes that somewhere along the way I had sex with one of the girls in High school, but they assume wrong.

“Hey, how about coming to a club with me and Kid tomorrow night?” He chimed out.

My mind started screaming at me to say no, but I couldn’t be too blunt or Foster would know and he’d force me. I had to have a reason.

“You have a Kid?” I say, just to buy myself more time to find a reason.

“Don’t be a freak, you met him three times, even you couldn’t have forgotten. Quit trying to change the subject, you’re coming.” Damn, he’s good.

“But I have plans!” I protest.

“Yeah right.” He scoffed. “I’ll pick you up around nine.” And then he hung up. I threw my phone as hard as I could at the couch. It hit the back of the seat, causing a loud bumping noise, and then plopped safely down onto one of the cushions.

Why am I still friends with that asshole, anyway?

I fell into an armchair with an annoyed sigh holding my forehead in my hand. Sometimes I wonder why I have to exist. Why can’t people just pretend I’m not here, that I’m invisible and absolutely none of their concern? Then again, it was me who called Foster in the first place. I’ve got to stop being dependent on other people. I really wish I could just ditch everyone. Everyone but Alex, of course.

I shut my eyes and sighed again, with not even the slightest intention of falling asleep.

I heard the door fall shut and my eyes popped open immediately. I looked up at the door, and there stood Alex, leaning against it, staring at the floor. He looked sad, devastated, though I couldn’t see his face. Just the way he hung his head, it made me think his whole world has blown up.

“Alex.” I stood quickly and walked toward him. Surprisingly, I’m normally much more hesitant to comfort him with closeness. “What’s wrong?” I asked, taking his hand in mine, strictly in a friendly manner.

He looked up, and my eyes widened even more. I was a bit shocked at his expression, not because of how sad he looked, but because he was smiling.

“Hmm, Cameron.” I felt his arm slide around my waist, and froze. “What about you? What’s wrong with you?” He whispered. “You’re always here for me when I’m down, and even though you hide it, I can tell you’re down as well.” His other arm slid around me as well. “So I think it’s about time I did the comforting.” He leaned into my ear, and I felt his tongue slide over the shell.

I groaned and my eyes fell shut, my head dropping down, defeated by just one sweep of his tongue. I heard him chuckle in a sexy voice that I didn’t even know he had.

“I know you love me.” He said, and his hand moved down between my legs. “You make it so obvious.” He whispered. “It’s disgusting.”

My eyes popped open in shock and then he took my face in his hands and our lips touched ever so slightly. My eyes fluttered shut just from the light brush, and then he pulled his head back a tiny bit, so the tips of our noses met. “Cameron…” He whispered, and then pressed his forehead to mine. “Are you home?”

“He’s asleep.”

I jerked awake at the familiar, yet startling voice, gripping the arms of the chair I was in tightly, breathing heavily.

Daniel was standing two feet in front of me, smirking with his arms crossed under his chest. “Having a good dream, there?” He asked.

I felt my face get hot and quickly looked down, pushing a hand through my hair. It wasn’t that sweaty, which was a relief, now if only I could wipe this stupid blush off my face before Alex-

“Oh, hey! You’re in here.” I looked up at the sound of his voice, peaking into the living room from the hall. I should have known it was a dream, you can’t even see the door to our apartment from the chair I was in. “Your face is red.” Alex said, in a sort of teasing but informative voice.

“Oh, yeah.” I cleared my throat and stood up. “I was…”

“Having a wet dream, apparently.” Daniel said, and then laughed. Apparently he thought this whole thing was just a big pile of funny. I mean, really, grow up, it’s not like he’s never had one.

Alex did a nervous sort of laughed and then disappeared into the kitchen carrying a bag that looked like it contained snacks. Great, I’d creeped him out.

Daniel spoke up. “We went to the video store. Alex got this-,”

He picked up a white plastic bag and pulled a DVD out of it, and held it up for me to see. It had the title of “Bolt” and pictured a white, cartooned dog on the front. I’d heard of it, vaguely.

“He said you might like this.” He took out another one with the familiar Title “Dead Alive.” I’d already seen it, actually, but Alex didn’t know that. Not to mention, I was just ecstatic that he remembered me telling him that I liked brainless gory zombie movies.

“And then later if you guys aren’t falling asleep I got this one for my own interest.” He took a third movie out, with the title “The Notebook.” I snickered. I didn’t know he was a sap, but it makes sense.

“Fine, Mr. Stupid-Plotless-Zombie-Movie-Lover, I’ll watch it myself.” Daniel shoved the movie back into the bag and dropped it on the coffee table in front of him.

“I’ll watch it with you.” Alex said, coming into the room with both arms curled around a big bowl filled with chips. He set them down on the table and started to roll his shoulders. “There’s beer and some Pepsi in the fridge.” Alex told me. I nodded and got up immediately, heading for the kitchen.

The sooner I get drunk, the better.

----

We decided to watch Bolt first, Daniel and I having both given into Alex’s irresistible puppy face. I had to go to the bathroom just before the end credits and Daniel accused me of trying to hide that I was crying. I just flipped him off. I don’t see why he didn’t say anything to Alex, because Alex actually was crying. I don’t know why, it was a totally happy ending.

When I got back, they’d already put Dead Alive in, and I sat down to watch a real movie.

Half way through, I looked over at Daniel and Alex to see them snuggled up together, with Daniel’s arm around Alex’s shoulder and Alex’s head resting on Daniel’s chest. It was painful to look at, but even I had to admit they looked cute together. Daniel would be so perfect for him, too, if only they could stop having these fights. If only they could sort something out, and Alex could come home with a big smile every day and tell me about how great Daniel and their relationship is.

But would I be able to deal with that? Sometimes I think I even like the idea that they’re not doing well, because it makes Alex closer to single, and somehow that just makes him closer to me. But that’s just the selfish side of me talking. I know that I’d be more than satisfied if Alex could just be happy for the rest of his life. Even if I did cry myself to sleep some nights because of it.

I turned my eyes back to the movie, just in time to see the zombie baby for the first time.

Alex was asleep when it ended. I sat slouching in my seat, staring at the credits roll up the screen while Daniel carried him into his bedroom. I waited all of thirty seconds before I heard the bedroom door shut softly, and Daniel walk back into the living room.

“You don’t mind if I crash here, do you?” He asked.

I looked up at him. “You’re not going to sleep in Alex’s room?”

He chuckled a little. “We’re not really that far into the relationship.” He lay down on the couch and stretched out his legs

I snorted. “You’ve been going out for almost three months. What more do you need to do before you can sleep in the same bed together?”

“It’s complicated.” Daniel said. “Alex said he didn’t want ours to be like his last relationship, he wanted it to be more than that, so he wants to wait a while. I guess to make sure I’m real.”

Well, I guess I have Foster to thank for something.

“And are you real?” I said, raising an eyebrow.

There was a short pause, and then he took in a breath. “I was.”

What? What the hell did he say? I expected him to say “Of course I am” and then I wouldn’t believe it anyway, but at least I’d be slightly reinsured but… what the hell? What does “I was” mean? And why in the fuck isn’t he anymore.

He sat up quickly, his eyes on the ground. “Until I met you.”

My eyes widened and my lips suddenly felt very dry.

“Alex is my type, you know?” He began. “Small, childish, innocent, sweet… cute.”

I could feel my breath picking up, and my hands curling into fists.

“But… Cameron…” He sighed. “I’ve never met someone as serious or blunt or… logical as you. You don’t let emotions control you, you know? You’re so reasonable.” He looked up, and our eyes met and locked onto each other.

“I know you’re angry at me for this… but, I really was in love with Alex. But… I think I’m falling in love with you now.” He confessed, and I just stared. He shifted under my uncomfortable gaze, and I just stared. He started to stand up, and my fists tightened. He walked over to me, each step seeming to take forever before he was finally in front of me. I just stared.

“I know you’ve always been straight but… maybe… if I…” He leaned down slowly, his eyes narrowing slightly. His hand lightly touched my shoulder, and then his fingers curled over it. A moment later, his lips lightly touched mine.

Three seconds that seemed like days each went by, and then all of the sudden, I lifted my arm and swung it back and around. My knuckles cracked against the side of his face, and in one quick motion he was thrown off of me. My fist was sore from the impact.

He fell to the floor on his back, the shock written all over his face. I stood up, and hovered over him, glaring.

“Don’t you dare, ever fucking cheat on him again.” I said, using my most deadly tone of voice. If he’s going to pull shit like that, the least he could do is not do it behind Alex’s back.

With that, I stepped over him, heading for the front door.

“Cam!” For some reason, Daniel’s voice made me pause. “…I can’t stay with him.” He sounded distressed. “Even without you… I’m sorry. I know how much he means to you.”

“No. You don’t.” I scoffed and then left.

----

I found myself standing outside Foster’s apartment, staring at the room number 326. I don’t know what was keeping me from knocking. What would I tell him? I’ve always been slightly dependent on him but showing up in people’s doorways isn’t me. I’ve always been the type of person to tough through things, no matter how hard, all by myself. And if I did need someone else I used them secretly, just stayed around them to keep my spirits up rather than letting them know I was in trouble. This isn’t something I can do… I feel like I’m throwing away some sort of dignity.

The door suddenly swung open, and I looked up, gasping.

“Are you just gonna stand out there all night or were you going to knock at some point?” He asked, sounding annoyed. I just kind of stared at him, until he turned around, leaving the door open, I’m assuming so I could come in.

“I’ll go if this is a bad time.” I mumbled.

“Nope.” He whipped around and grabbed me by the arm, yanking me into his apartment. “My best friend, whom has never been known to share his problems or display emotion, has just shown up on my doorstep. I want him to spill his gut.” He sat me down in a chair and sauntered over to a fridge where he pulled out a beer.

“You’re not my best friend.” I grumbled.

“But you’re mine. Live with it.” He tossed me one of the beers, and I caught it in my lap. He sat down in the seat across from me, cracked his can open, and leaned back. “Now, tell me what happened.”

“Nothing happened I just-,”

“Bull shit.” He said.

I sighed. “I don’t want to talk about anything, Foster. I just didn’t want to stay at my place tonight.”

“And for that, there must be a very good reason.” He said. “But fine, I won’t push you for information. And yes, you can stay here tonight.”

I nodded, and opened the beer. I was already half-drunk, so a few more wouldn’t make much difference. At least, this was my logic at the time. “So, how’s Kid?”

“So you know him now?” Foster snorted. “We’re fine. Healthy sexual interaction and everything. We do it maybe every other day, which I personally think is pretty good…” I glared at him. Hard. What in the world could possibly make him think I want to know that?

“Do you love him?” I asked, carefully.

Foster looked at me, with a strangely serious look on his face. “I told you after Alex and I broke up, that’s not what I’m here for.” He shrugged.

“But does he know that?”

“Yes, actually, he does.” Foster scowled. “Of course, he thinks he can win me over anyway.” He let out a long sigh. “People don’t understand.”

I grunted. “You’re an idiot.”

He smirked and got up from his seat, walking over to the fridge and pulling out three more cans of beer. I watched suspiciously as he set them out on the table between us.

“Easy access.” He said, grinning.

-----

Before I knew it, there were seven cans now on the table in front of us, only now all of them were empty. And only two were Foster’s. I don’t know what provoked me to drink so much, I mean, aside from Daniel going lover-boy on me, but it sure as hell felt good.

One minute Foster was sitting across from me, and then a second later he was sitting next to me, rather close. It was weird, I hadn’t even seen him move, like he transported there or something. Hm, maybe he could teach me how to do that.

“So, Camo.” He put his arm around me, and I shifted away from it. “What’s troubling you?” He asked.

I sighed. “Lots of stuff.” I mumbled out. “Alex and Daniel came over and I had to watch stuff with them. Then Daniel kissed me and I don’t know… I just wish more than anything that Alex would notice me.” I sighed, tilted my head back against the couch and let my eyes fall shut.

“Daniel kissed you?” He snorted. “And Alex?” He asked. “He doesn’t notice you?”

“Hmm.” I smiled a little. “He doesn’t knooowww…” I giggled.

“Doesn’t know what?” Foster asked, and I felt him scooter closer to me.

I let out a long breath and decided to change the subject “I like rainbows.”

“Cameron.” Foster’s voice was really serious, and I didn’t like it. “Do you love Alex?”

I “Hmmed” but didn’t answer, the way he was talking was starting to bug me. It seemed to have such a light mood when we first started but now his voice had gotten urgent, like he was in some big hurry or something.

“Camo.” I felt something tickle my nose and wrinkled my face. I felt it again, and opened my eyes. I found myself staring into big, brown ones, though they were narrowed in a sort of tired-looking way.

“What are you doing?” I asked. His lips were really close to mine, and it made me want to laugh a little. But instead I just smiled, looking at them. Foster is kind of attractive, I bet girls like him.

“Comforting you.” He whispered. I felt him shift and it seemed like he was now even more on top of me. His right leg was swung over my lap and he just hovered there, leaning over me with our faces so close.

His hand run through my hair from the side, pushing it back, and stopping with his palm on the back of my head. His hand was warm, and it felt good. His mouth was almost touching mine, and I really felt like kissing him.

So I did.

I may have been the one who made them touch, but as soon as our lips came in contact, Foster took over. He deepened the kiss by pushing his palm against the back of my head, and tilting his own to the side. He was being somewhat gentle, and he had really soft lips. It felt like a girl.

His hands ran up my sides and under my shirt, palms sliding over my stomach up to my chest where his fingers ghosted over my nipple. The feeling triggered something in me and I leaned forward suddenly, wrapping my arms tightly around him, forcing him closer. I let my tongue slide out and tasted his lips, they tasted like beer, but I’m guessing I did too. His mouth opened and closed around my tongue, his own now moving roughly against mine.

My shirt had been rolled up to my armpits and he was still playing with the rim of my pants while pinching my nipple with his other hand. The hand on my pants moved inward, fingers ghosting over my stomach before it settled on my crotch. I thrust up into it and moaned, trying to lift my hips as much as I could into his warm hand.

I felt him smile into my lips, and heard the sound of my zipper being pulled down.

“Touch me.” He whispered, and picked up one of my hands by the wrist, placing it against his crotch and pressing it against the hard lump that had formed. My eyes popped open and met with his again.

“It’s okay.” He whispered hoarsely, and his hand slid into my pants, fingers curling around the beginning of my erection. “We won’t go that far.” He started pumping me and I groaned, falling limp underneath him.

“No.” He growled, and picked up my hand again, undoing his own pants and shoving my hand inside. Finally I realized what I was supposed to be doing. I wrapped my hand around what was there, and followed his motions.

I heard him groan loudly and his lips closed over mine again, tongue plunging deep into my mouth and sliding over my teeth and gums. I’d never felt such a rough, demanding tongue.

I noticed something starting to form in the pit of my stomach, something I rarely felt. Only during the times that I’d been able to masturbate properly. But this time it was his hand, and somehow, that just made it better…

“Come for me.” His voice in my ear and his breath rolling over my cheek. “Come on.” He prodded. I tore my head away from his voice, shut my eyes tightly, let out a little mewl and before I knew it, I’d exploded all over myself. I let myself fall completely limp against the back of the chair, and Foster collapsed on top of me, breathing heavily.

“Perfect.” He said between breaths. I think he said something else, but I was too far gone to understand what it was.

-----

I woke up suddenly, my eyes popping open with a gasp and a bit of a jump. I scanned the room for only a moment before realizing where I was, and then all of it flooded back to me. I sat up quickly with my hand pressed against my head, which hurt like hell.

I remembered everything, unfortunately. The Daniel, the Foster, the drinking, the… my eyes narrowed.

Where the hell is Foster?

“Aha! Glad to see you’re finally up!” A cheerful voice came from the kitchen. “I’m making breakfast, should be done in a few minutes.” He was standing in the doorway, holding a spatula.

I glared daggers at him from behind the couch. “What did you do to me?” I demanded. My voice sounded tired, but deadly.

“You mean last night?” Foster said, and put the spatula up to his bottom lip in a thoughtful matter. “Well, I got you drunk, made you spill your deep dark secret… and then maybe went a little too far. But hey! What’s done is done.”

My deep dark secret… fuck… he knows about Alex. This was never supposed to happen, no one was ever supposed to know. Least of all annoying, conniving, inconsiderate, untrustworthy Foster.

“You fucking molested me.” I growled.

“Hey, you molested me too.” He said, his cheerfulness was really starting to piss me off. “But either way you seemed to be enjoying it. Besides, now you’re got some practice in for Alex.”

I stood up without a word, and walked up behind him as he stood in front of the stove. As soon as he turned around, I slammed my fist into his face. He flew backward and I watched his hand land on the hot stovetop after knocking away the pan that had been there.

He screamed and tore it away from the hot spot quickly, holding his hand by the wrist and staring at the burn in shock. The skin was already starting to turn white and sort of bubbly…

“What the hell, look what you did!” He screamed and ran over to the sink, turning on the cold water and running his hand under it.

“I punched you in the face.” I said flatly. “You’re the one who put your hand there.”

“Bastard.” He hissed.

“Call 911. It might be bad.” I said, and then started toward the door.

“What! Hey! You get back here and call them! This is your fucking fault!” He screamed. I ignored him, and opened the door to leave. “Cameron, you asshole!” He barked. I slammed the door shut hard behind me, and shoved my hands into my pockets as I walked down the hall.

I really couldn’t believe he’d actually do something like that. I mean, I can understand the molesting part. Foster Ridgeway is and always has been, by nature, beyond sex-crazed. So I really can’t blame him for just acting like his normal, horny self. But purposely getting me drunk so he could take advantage of me and having me blurt out something I’d never intended to tell a single person? Let alone someone like Foster. It’s not like he didn’t know either, he was the one who always said that beer was like a truth serum when used on me.

Either way, this was something I never planned to happen. My life schedule didn’t include having to deal with someone actually knowing how I feel about Alex. So I figured my best move now was to ignore Foster, and hope with every fiber of my being that he keeps quiet.

Knowing Foster, I really doubt that will happen.

------

I was just getting into my car when I looked down and happened to notice a white, crusted substance sticking to my shirt. I cursed and tried scratching it off, but even as I did it seemed to have soaked into the dark fabric. I wonder if Foster will find anymore ways to ruin my life before it finally kills me.

I turned my wrist over and looked at my watch. It was only 9 AM, which meant Alex was probably still asleep, luckily. This way I could just go home and change my shirt before anyone spotted the evidence of last night’s unruly behavior.

As I drove, all I could do was dread the thought of Foster telling someone. Anyone, because somehow it would get to Alex, which would open the possibility that he might start to hate me. Or at least feel more uncomfortable around me. Or maybe… he’d want to give us a try…

I shook my head quickly. No. That’s a long off fantasy, not even a considerable possibility. The most I can hope for is that things will go back to normal despite it. But knowing Alex, he’d probably feel obligated to behave differently around me if he knew. He’d stop randomly hugging me, stop touching me or getting close all together. It would just wreck everything.

When I arrived in front of the house, and pulled into the driveway, I couldn’t help noticing something big and black that wasn’t supposed to be there. It was Daniel’s truck. Why the hell is he still here? For some reason I thought he would have left either last night or early this morning after what happened yesterday. At least, that’s what I would have done.

I walked up to the door, feeling annoyed, and hoping that I wouldn’t have to run into Daniel before I made it to my room. Hopefully, he was still asleep.

I opened the front door carefully, and shut it as silently as I could behind me. I crept down the hall and into the living room, where I was relieved to see a lump under a blanket sprawled over the couch. I sighed and continued quietly toward my room.

“Cameron?” I froze at the sound of the voice. “Where did you go?”

I looked at Daniel. He was standing in the doorway that led to the kitchen, holding a bowl of cereal in front of him.

I said nothing, trying to get the point across that I still wasn’t happy with him.

“Sorry.” He looked down at his cheerios. “I guess it’s not really my business.” He walked past me, his eyes avoiding mine. “I was sort of worried about when you’d be back. I wouldn’t know how to explain things to Alex.”

I snorted. “Just lie.” And then I felt like slapping a hand over my mouth. Did I really just say that? Did I really just suggest lying to someone I was supposed to care oh-so-much about, as if I did it all the time myself?

I mean, I do lie a lot but… not to Alex, unless the truth would expose me.

“Why are you so mad at me?” He suddenly snapped. I looked at him with widened eyes, a bit surprised at his sudden interrogation. Normally he always kept a light mood, even when I was getting snippy with him, he’d just laugh it off. I wasn’t used to this fighting back Daniel.

“It’s not my fault, it just wouldn’t work out. And I already told you I planned to break up with him, so why is it so bad that I kissed you?” He was looking directly at me. “Why does all of it bother you so much? Isn’t Alex the one who should be upset.”

“Alex is my friend.” I said quickly, to make it sound like I had a fast answer. “Any friend would be a little bugged if the guy that finally seemed to be half-decent started talking about leaving him without a good reason.”

“A little bugged?” Daniel scoffed. “You punched me in the face!”

“That’s minor to me.” I snapped back, getting a little annoyed by his back-talk.

“I already gave you my reason.” He said, a little calmer now. “I love-.”

“Don’t.” I cut in. “Don’t say it.”

“Even if you don’t feel the same way. I can’t stay with him feeling this way about you, and knowing how close you two are.” He said. To my misfortune, I really didn’t have any sort of retort for that. There was just a pause, and then he started to get up. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be his happily ever after.” He started toward the door and then stopped, whispering something under his breath.

It sounded like “Or yours.”

I stared at him, just wanting him to leave as quickly as possible so I wouldn’t have to think about this anymore. Wouldn’t have to see his face.

“I know how you feel about Alex.” He said then, still standing in front of the door. “You said I didn’t, but I do. It’s so obvious how you look at him. I guess I only knew because it was how I wish you’d look at me…”

“You still don’t know.” I said dangerously. “You’ll never know.”

“Of course.” He said, chuckling just a little. It sounded sad. “Only the great Cameron could ever feel that strongly about someone.” His words were slurred, like he was trying to hold back something much more violent. “I almost forgot about how special you are.” He spat, and then jerked the front door, open, slamming it shut behind him.

What the hell does that mean? Is he trying to say I don’t really love Alex as much as I do? And how did he really find out, anyway. I’ve always been careful to keep my eyes off Alex, even when we were alone. I never gave him any looks that might reveal my intentions, so how could he have known?

And what did he mean by saying I was special?

To tell the truth, I think I knew what he meant, but I’d never admit it to myself because I’d already admitted that he could have been right. He’s angry because he believes his so-called love for me can compare to what I feel for Alex. But I know that there is no way someone can feel that strongly for someone like me. No, that type of love is reserved for amazing people like Alex.

That’s… just how it is.

-----

Alex didn’t wake up for another hour. I made sure to dispose of Daniel’s unfinished cereal to avoid questions about it, and then cleaned up the empty cans and bowls in the living room left over from the night before.

I was casually watching TV when Alex came out of his room. I think I may have tensed slightly, but for the most part I sat still and took little notice. Even though he’d been asleep I couldn’t help being worried that he knew something of what went on within the last twelve hours.

“Did Daniel leave?” Alex said. My eyes followed the voice to see him leaning over the back of the couch at the other end.

“Around nine.” I gave a short nod, and turned my eyes back to the TV.

“He didn’t say anything did he?” He sounded worried, and I felt my grip on the remote control tighten. Why does he have to show how much he cares for their relationship like he does? I know how hurt he’s going to be later, how horrible he’ll feel. I wish there was something I could do.

“No.” I replied. “He just…” I paused, swallowing. It was usually easy for me to spit out bullshit. “…said to say good-bye for him. And that he’d see you later.” I stared down at my right fist, expanding and contracting my fingers. Alex didn’t say anything, which was odd to me. So I glanced up at him, only to see him staring at me with an unreadable expression.

“Okay.” He replied in a small voice. He came around the couch and sat down on the cushion next to mine. “I don’t think it’s going to work out with me and him.” Alex sighed.

My eyes widened a little, but I otherwise made sure not to react.

“Normally I’ve been so pathetically desperate to hang onto whatever was left of a relationship, but this time I can tell that it just isn’t going to happen.”

I couldn’t decide whether to be glad or disappointed. This meant the break up between them would be mutual, right? Alex wouldn’t be hurt as much. But at the same time it meant that once again, all of his hard work to keep a relationship had been for nothing.

For the first time since as long as I can remember, I decided to initiate some comfort. I lifted my arm slowly, keeping my eyes on my lap, and carefully placed it around his shoulder. As soon as I did, I felt him shift as well as his eyes suddenly locked on me. I forced myself not to meet them, to embarrassed to look him in the eye. In the midst of contemplating whether I should remove my arm or not, I felt warmth against my side.

I looked up in surprise to see that he’d scooted a little bit closer, like he was accepting the comfort. Suddenly I felt an unbearable amount of happiness building up inside me, and from such a little thing.

“Thanks.” He said, and leaned his head on my shoulder. I felt my face get hot. “For always being there.”

I couldn’t keep the stupid smile off my face.

A moment later, the phone rang loudly throughout the house, and we both jumped, shifting away from each other in the process. I removed my arm quickly, convinced that the moment was over, and reached for the phone with the idea of killing whoever it was on the other end.

“Hello?” I said, sighing afterwards. Alex stayed sitting beside me, very still.

“Hey, don’t forget about our date tonight.” Foster. I’d been hearing that voice too often. I thought maybe me burning his hand like that would get him pissed enough to stay off my back for at least a week, but I should have known better.

“Foster-,”

“I’ll pick you and Alex up at nine.” He cut me off. “Where something sexy. Both of you.”

“Alex too? But… wait-“

“Of course. Now that I know how you feel about him we must keep him around you at all times in order to increase the level of awkwardness.” There was an evil, evil tone to his voice. I could do nothing but be thankful he wasn’t on speaker phone. “Tata!” And then he hung up.

God, I hate him.

“What’s going on? I heard my name.” Alex said. I put the phone down and looked back to him.

“Foster decided he’s going to drag us out tonight.” I grumbled. “With or against our will.”

Alex laughed. “Well, that’s Foster for you I guess.” He smiled this really sweet, genuine smile, but there was something else behind it. It quickly disappeared, followed by him standing up.

“I guess I’ll meet with Daniel tomorrow, then.” He said. “He’s working today.” He gave a heavy sigh and pushed his hair back. “I don’t know what I’m going to say to him.”

“Just tell him how you feel.” I shrugged. “He won’t be too disappointed.”

Alex gave me a look. “What do you mean by that?”

“What?” My eyes widened when I realized that possibilities of what I just said could have meant. “No! I didn’t mean that!” He still looked disbelieving.

“Look, Cameron.” He didn’t give me a chance to say more. “I know you’ve been hiding something, I don’t know what the hell it is. But if it has something to do with Daniel, you have to tell me.”

“What! I’m not hiding anything!” I insisted, maybe to defensively.

“Just cut the shit!” He spat. “If it has something to do with Daniel, tell me!”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with him!”

“So there is something!”

“No!”

A sudden silence, and he just stared at me. I couldn’t tell what manner of stare it was, but he definitely didn’t look happy. I felt like he was disappointed in me somehow. That look… made me feel like he was sick of me.

Then he sighed and sat down on the couch.

“I’m sorry.” He said, and buried his face in his palms. “I’m just not thinking right.”

I stood awkwardly, my right arm hanging by my side and my left draped over my stomach, holding onto my right elbow.

“You’ve never told me anything.” He said, his face still covered by his hands. “I mean, I know you’re not as fucked up as me, but you have to have some problems, right?” He sighed, and lifted his head, looking at the television. “I feel like you’re the one who always has to take my shit, and I’ve never done anything for you.”

“It’s not shit, and it’s not your fault.” I plopped down on the couch next to him. “And I’m fine comforting you. It’s not your fault all your potential boyfriends turn out to be complete jackasses.”

He laughed. “Except Daniel.”

Oh how much I wanted to deny that.

“I guess I’m the jackass this time.” He gave a sigh.

“No, unlike the guys who you’ve been with, you’ve been honest and hard working up to this point. It’s not your fault it didn’t work out. Some people just don’t match.”

He chuckled. “You know, off all the guys that I’ve hung around, you’re the only one I’m glad I could never fall in love with.”

I think my heart just shattered into a billion pieces.

“You’re too good a friend for that.” He gave me a smile. I was about to explode. There was a long pause. “Are you okay?” He asked, suddenly, sounding as if he were afraid he’d said something wrong.

I just my eyes tightly, and quickly regained some composure. “Fine.” I said, and cleared my throat, returning his smile from before. He looked unsure, but smiled back, and then leaned back against the couch.

“Maybe after this, I’ll just stay single for a while.” He sighed. I leaned back as well.

“Sounds like a plan.”

Foster arrived, as promised, at nine o’clock, give or take a few minutes. The only surprise was that he brought Kid with him. So when he showed up at the front door, he did it with his arm around the small 23 year old who looked more like he was 18. I could feel a jealous aura around Alex as I stood next to him.

“Aright lovers.” He said, and proceeded to observe our choice of wardrobe. Alex was wearing a pair of tight black jeans with suspenders hanging around the sides, a white tank top, with a long black sweater and tie. I was wearing my best pair of blue jeans and a black t-shirt that showed my body shape a little too much for my liking. Oh, and Alex was also wearing a collar. Ironically, it made me want to get on my knees and pant and beg.

“Awesome, Alex.” Foster gave a nod of approval. “You make me miss you being mine.” He winked. My hand turned into a fist, and I think Alex blushed.

“Cameron…” His eyes trailed down my body in a criticizing way. “…Good enough. Shall we.” He gave me an evil grin and I just continued to glare as I we followed him out of the house and to his car.

Kid sat in the passenger seat, as expected, and Alex and I sat in the back.

“So, how’s the new relationship, Alex?” Foster said right after he started the car. I looked over at Alex to see him sink down into the seat, his face a little red.

“It’s…” He began. “…basically over. Not working out.”

“Ah, too bad.” Foster said, and then his eyes were on me through the rear view mirror. “Does that have anything to do with you, Camo?” He asked.

“What! Me?” I scoffed. I do not like where this is going.

“Well Daniel did kiss you, didn’t he? Or at least your drunk self said so.”

I gaped at the back of his seat, unable to believe that he was really saying all of this in front of Alex. Carefully, I turned my eyes toward Alex himself, who was looking directly at me as if to ask “Is that true?”

My mouth stayed hanging open, and I didn’t have a clue what to say. After it became clear that I didn’t have anything to save myself, he scoffed and looked away.

“I knew it.” I heard him mumble, and decided I was going to kill Foster as soon as he shut off the car. I want to go on and on about how much I hate the way he is, but I guess it’s my fault to have expected any better.

Aside from Foster and Kid flirting up front, which mostly just consisted of the two poking each other playfully in not-so-innocent places, nothing was said for the rest of the ride. It sucked, because for the first time, Alex had found out that I’d lied to him. He asked if I was hiding something, I said no. He asked if it was about Daniel, I said no.

Well, technically what was on my mind when he asked if I was hiding something didn’t have anything to do with Daniel. But I guess then, there’s still the first half.

When the car was parked, Alex was the first to get out. He pushed the door open, slammed it shut, and started toward the entrance to the club. I watched him go, completely helpless as far as what I should do. Once he disappeared inside, I finally looked at the sign above the door.

The Rainbow Shaft.

What a fucking lame name, who the hell came up with that?

“You brought me to a gay bar?” I glared at Foster as he got out of the car.

“Oh, don’t try to act all heterosexual all of the sudden. Besides, your Daniel friend is here.”

“What? How the hell do you know?”

“I just watched him go in.” He nodded toward the front entrance. I looked up and tried to see through the dirty windows on the doors, but saw nothing. Still, Foster may be a complete asshole, pervert, and have no sense of trustworthiness or decency, but he doesn’t normally lie. And I definitely don’t want to deal with Daniel again.

“Take me home.” I ordered.

“Nope.” Foster shut his door and put his arm around me. “Not only is it my quest to see that you get laid, but are you really going to want to piss Alex off even more by running out on him?”

“This whole fucking thing is your fault in the first place.” I grumbled.

“Why, thank you.” He patted my back and then removed his arm, proceeding to slip it around Kid’s waist instead. He whispered something into Kid’s ear and then they started toward the entrance. I could have just turned around and walked home, or maybe just hotwired Foster’s car like in the movies. But he was right about pissing Alex off. I didn’t want to just run off leaving things like this.

I also have to consider how awkward it might be for Alex and Daniel to meet up here. They’re technically still together, even though both are planning to break up with each other. The whole thing could still cause a problem. And if something happens, I have to be there to comfort Alex.

When I got inside, I didn’t see Alex or Daniel. Foster and Kid were in a booth in the corner, practically having sex right there. I scoffed, thinking about how they’d just walked in no more than two minutes ago.

The bar was medium-sized, smaller than most normal ones I’d been to on the rare occasion. But it was still big enough to have a dance floor and a classic bar counter as well as booths and tables. It was packed tight with both furniture and people. Scratch that, people isn’t specific enough, it was packed with men, lots and lots of men.

After a few minutes of weaving between tables, I finally spotted Alex, sitting on a bar stool, leaning against the counter. To my surprise, he didn’t look out of place, he fit right in despite that this kind of place was not in his nature at all. But that’s the way Alex is.

I took a deep breath and started toward him. He finally saw me when I was a few feet away, and his eyes immediately moved to the floor.

“Have you ever been here?” I asked, taking a seat on the stool next to me.

“Foster and me used to come here all the time.” He shrugged. “The place doesn’t seem so sexual when you have a partner yourself.”

“Daniel’s here.” I said under my breath.

He looked at me, surprised, and then started to look around.

“I don’t know where he is, but Foster said he watched him come inside.” I explained. “…Faithful, honest guys that aren’t single don’t go to bars like this without their significant other.”

“What’s it matter?” He scoffed. “He kissed you. You must know something of how he feels about me.”

I gave a sigh. “He said that he was falling out of love with you.” I shrugged, feeling strange telling the truth for someone else. “That it was real at first and then things changed later on.”

There was a long pause, and then Alex sighed as well. “Just like me, I guess.” He stood up. “I’m going to find him, and break up.” He gave a sharp nod, as if convincing himself, and then I watched him wonder off into the crowd.

I guess this means when Alex comes home this time, he’ll be single, for the first time since I’ve known him, by his own doing. He said he’d planned to stay single for a while now, which is good if that’s what he wants. It’s a lot easier for me to suffer through just not having him than it is watching him with someone else.

I sat at the bar by myself for about fifteen minutes. The bartender offered me a drink to buy, and I politely declined. That’s about the only conversation I had.

At some point I started watching Kid and Foster molesting each other on the opposite side of the floor. It was so disgusting, I just couldn’t look away. I guess I’d been too distracted to notice when someone sat in the stool next to me.

“Almost as good as internet porn, eh?” I heard the familiar voice, and the familiar tone, and couldn’t keep the glare off my face as I turned to face him. He adverted his eyes as soon as ours met, letting out a nervous chuckle. “I was kidding.” And then he looked back at me.

“Alex was looking for you.” I told him, hoping that might make him go away.

“He found me.” Daniel replied, biting his lip. “We had a mutual break-up.” He shrugged, gave another small laugh. He always did that, tried to laugh everything off, like no matter what it was his job to keep the mood light. At least, most of the time that was how it was. Lately things have been different.

“So, what are you going to do?” He asked.

“About what?” I said nonchalantly.

“Alex.” He said. “Are you going to tell him how you feel? Now that he’s available?”

I sighed. “I never planned on telling him. Ever. I don’t expect you to understand why.”

“Fine, fair enough.” He said. “So you’re just going to spend your whole life watching him fall for other guys and eventually take a lifetime partner without saying a word?”

“That’s the plan.” I replied casually.

“All right.” He said. “It annoys me to see someone like you acting so stupid, but all right.”

I glared hard at him. “What the hell does that mean?”

He gave me a serious look. “Exactly what you’d think.” He said. “You really distrust him so much that you’re so afraid he’ll reject you and change everything? Or do you have a severe self-loathing complex? Or maybe you just haven’t grown out of that teenaged “I’m so ugly” phase.” He spoke as if he were trying to decide for himself.

“It’s not like that.” I spat. “Ever since we met I’ve watched assholes hurt him and use him. People treat him like he’s so much less than what he is. He deserves someone who can—,”

“Fine.” He cut me off. “But he was right. You really are way too protective of him.”

I felt myself wanting to growl. Why the hell is this any of his business anyway?

“Anyway.” He let out a sigh. “Let’s talk about something else.”

I snorted. “Like what?”

“Well, what do you like to do?” He urged. I just groaned and looked away, I was not in any mood for small talk.

“Come on. You have to have some sort of hobby. Video games? Online chatrooms? Porn?”

“No.” I said, gritting my teeth.

“Anything creative?”

“I’m left brained.”

“Sports?” He suggested. “Basketball, Soccer, Football, anything? Baseball.”

“No. No, no, no, no.” My hands were slowly starting to curl into fists.

“Swimming? Horseback riding?”

“I can’t swim. I hate horses.”

“Afraid of them?”

“No.” I snarled. “They’re big, ugly, and all they do is shit and eat.”

He laughed. “How about reading?”

“My life is fucked up enough without putting myself into the idiotic drama of imaginary people.”

“But mindless zombie movies are okay?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I take back what I said about you being logical.” He chuckled.

I glared again, but said nothing. The next thing I knew, he was standing, I thought he was going to leave and go somewhere else, but instead he moved in front of me. I knew what was on his mind just by the look on his face, and the way his eyes flicked to my lips. I backed against the counter, which was my way of telling him “no”, but he didn’t seem to get the message. And for some reason, watching his face move closer, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.

His lips touched mine and his hands cupped my knees. And for a moment, neither of us moved. It surprised me, because I’d expected him to just move his mouth and stick his tongue in, but he was still. Like he was waiting for me to make some sort of move first. Before I’d even thought on the decision, I leaned into the feel of his soft lips, and kissed back.

It felt okay, because it was Daniel I was kissing this time. Not Alex’s boyfriend Daniel, just Daniel. I mean, not that I wanted to kiss Daniel, but I wasn’t too desperate to stop him.

His hands slid up my thighs and pushed them apart so he could move between them. I slid my arms carefully around his torso and pulled him against me, curling my fingers into his shirt. It’d been so long since I’d kissed anyone like this, completely sober, and at least a bit willing.

I couldn’t help moaning when his tongue shoved it’s way between my lips and slid along gums, over my teeth, nudging and twisting with my own tongue. I couldn’t keep up, I’d never expected him to be such a good kisser.

Finally he pulled back and his hands curled into my hair until they were tight fists.

“I’ll fucking tell you something.” He breathed heavily. “If you and Alex got together, he would be the lucky one.”

“Let’s not talk about Alex.” I said, slightly dazed, and leaned down to kiss him again. To my surprise, he stepped away. I blinked, confused, despite the situation registering much more clearly now. But I was okay, the only thing this is doing is destroying my heterosexual image, which only got in the way in the first place. So who cares? I can make out with Daniel.

“Why?” I said when he backed away.

“Nothing.” He kept his eyes on the ground. “I was just afraid you might be taking advantage of my emotional state after my tragic break up.” He said, jokingly.

“No.” I stood up, and moved close to him. “I’m just taking advantage of you being madly in love with me.” I whispered, and then chuckled into his ear.

“Hey, I never said-,” I attached my mouth to his neck. I don’t know what I was doing, really, but it felt good. It really did feel good to be so close with someone who felt so strong for me. It felt like, for some reason, he couldn’t leave me even if he tried.

“Cameron.” He said, pushing his palms against my chest to get me off. “We should stop.” But his attempts were very half-hearted, so I wasn’t moved. I didn’t want to stop. I knew that if I stopped, eventually the reasoning and all the reasons why I shouldn’t would come flooding back to me. Right now I just wanted to act on emotion… and my libido.

I tugged Daniel closer to me, and held him around the waist so we were joined at the hips. “You can call me Cam.” I whispered. I listened to that nervous laugh of his, and then started rocking my hips against his, loving the feeling of his warmth rubbing against my-

“Camo.” An interrupting voice made me freeze. Fuck, the last thing I wanted was Foster to see me acting like a total horn dog. “I’m taking Alex home, he seems all upset. You hang here and I’ll pick you up in about an hour or so?” He said, and I just gaped. “However long it takes.” He winked, and then turned to leave.

“No! Wait!” I grabbed his arm. “I’ll come now.” I glanced back at Daniel to see a completely and almost heartbreakingly sad look on his face. The worst part was that he was smiling. But it was a false smile, with something much more pained hiding underneath.

“Whatever you want.” Foster waved me off and jerked his hand away, tossing it over Kid’s shoulder and starting toward the door.

“Sorry.” I said to Daniel, making sure to not meet his eyes. And then I left.

--------

The ride home was silent. Alex didn’t say a thing, all he did was scoff when I got in the car. Somehow I think I was sensing something tense between Kid and Foster as well, just by the way they too didn’t speak, or touch each other across the seats.

As soon as we pulled into the driveway, Alex jerked the car door open and jumped out, practically running up to the door. I got out of the car and stood next to it, watching him. I waited until he’d shoved the key into the lock and slammed the door behind him before I started toward the house.

“Good luck.” Foster said as I passed the driver’s side door. I looked in at him, my eyes moving to Kid, and then back.

“You too.” And then I started toward the house. I took a deep breath when I got to the door, and listened to the sound of the car rolling out of the driveway. Sighing, and knowing I’d never be ready for this, I opened the door.

When I came into the living room, Alex was sitting on the couch. He was hunched over with his head in his hands and his keys on his lap. He wasn’t crying, or at least it didn’t seem so, but he definitely looked upset.

I took a few awkward steps toward him before he jerked his head up and looked at me, as if he were surprised to see me there. I froze.

He looked away again, this time tossing his keys onto the table in front of him and sitting motionlessly.

“So… you and Daniel?” He asked.

“Alex- there’s nothing. He just…”

“He told me when we broke up that he liked someone else.” He spat bitterly. “I’m just so dense I had to wait to see you two sucking face for it to finally click.”

“Alex, I promise. I didn’t even know he felt that way until yesterday.” I said. “And that… at the bar, that was just stupid. I was just… horny. I’m sorry.”

Alex sighed. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” He said. “I’m the one who wanted to break up, I’m the one who went to him about it. I can’t be getting all jealous now.”

Now that he said that I wanted nothing more than to just blame everything on myself. None of it was his fault, if he felt upset, it wasn’t his fault.

“It isn’t your fault.” I said.

“Stop babying me.” He snorted. My eyes widened a little. “I mean, come on, you’re a great friend and everything, but quit treating me like I can’t take knowing I did something wrong. It’s annoying!” His voice began to rise, and he got up from his seat. “I know when I’ve made a mistake, I know I’m over-sensitive! Why do you always insist on acting like I’m always right about everything!” He yelled.

His voice was getting louder and he was getting closer, stepping forward until I stepped back against the wall. My eyes were wide in shock. There was no way I could bring myself to yell at Alex.

“It’s like you think I’m some fucking kid! You always treat me differently from everyone else!” He pounded his fists against my shoulders and pinned me there, glaring.

“I…” Nothing would come out. “Alex…”

“It’s like I don’t even know who you are really.” He scoffed, but his voice was calmer. He stared up at me, his big blue eyes boring into mine, filled with emotion like they always were when something like this happened. But never so close, never so begging and angry at the same time.

I couldn’t help sliding my arms around his waist. I had to comfort him, no matter what, it was all I existed for.

He shifted slightly in my hold, moving closer to me, and I tightened my hold around him. Before I knew it, his lips touched mine, and my eyes widened in shock. His soft, plump lips pressed firmly against mine. It wasn’t a sweet kiss, it wasn’t a soft kiss, it was a firm, desperate one-way kiss. And the biggest problem was that I was one-hundred percent sure that I hadn’t been the one to initiate it. I was sure that kissing him or doing anything sexual at the time had been the furthest thing from my mind.

It wasn’t the best kiss I’d ever gotten, but at the same time it was, simply because it was from Alex. I couldn’t help leaning into it as he held his lips there. My eyes began to flutter shut, and then suddenly, he pushed me away.

“Fuck, I don’t know…” He stumbled backward, holding his head in his hands.

“Alex.” I grabbed one of his wrists and yanked him back to me, pulling him around until I had him pinned against the wall. He stared up at my frightened, and I couldn’t help pushing my forehead against his. I had to shut my eyes just to keep from ravishing him right there. That kiss… was just too much.

I felt his body become less tense in my hold, and his hands slide up my sides. I opened my eyes in surprise to see him looking up at me with one of his unreadable expressions. As soon as I caught sight of his eyes, his face, staring up at me like that, his body pinned against the wall, my fingers curled into his shoulders… I… fuck, I lost it.

I leaned down carefully and brushed my lips to his, my eyes falling shut as soon as they touched. I heard a tiny gasp escape his mouth, and slid my bottom lip along his once again, before experimentally pressing them a bit harder together. I had to do this in small steps, had to make sure I felt every bit of him before I moved onto the next part. I felt his lips slowly press back against mine, and I couldn’t help tightening my hold on him. There’s nothing I wanted more than to taste him, to slide my tongue into his hot mouth and just violate every inch.

But before I did, he pulled back again, this time more slowly, in less of a hurry. I opened my eyes, staring to his.

“Cameron, please.” He whispered. “Don’t let us do this.”

My jaw fell open, and I just stared at him, wondering what he meant.

All of the sudden he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my chest. I hesitantly placed my hands on his back and held him against me.

“I can’t be that way with you.” He said. “You’re-,”

“My best friend.” I finished for him. He lifted his head from my chest and looked up at me, surprised. I returned the look with a soft smile, and pushed a piece of hair out of his face. We regarded each other for a moment like that, and then he suddenly backed away, looking at the ground, and pushed his hair back nervously.

“Sorry about that.” He said.

“It’s okay.” I replied, and turned around, walking over to the couch and picking up the remote control for the TV. “Want to watch a movie?” I asked.

He looked embarrassed but smiled and nodded quickly, plopping down on the far side of the couch, so there was a good-sized space between us.

----

As I should have expected, Alex fell asleep during the movie. It was late after all, almost 1 AM. He was curled up on the other side of the couch with his head rested on the arm and his one hand between his thighs for warmth.

I sighed watching him. This is how I knew it would always end up. No matter what, this was the way it had to be. Alex and I could never be together, no matter how strongly I felt for him, because I knew he could never feel that way for me. I didn’t want him to feel that way. I didn’t deserve it and I’d only end up hurting him.

I picked up the remote, shut off the television and went to bed, leaving him there on the couch asleep. It had been a long night.

------

To be entirely honest, I wasn’t sure what I was doing with my car parked in front of the familiar little white house. I’d only been there once, and it had taken me a while to find it again without asking, yet I still had the nerve to tell myself I didn’t know what I was doing here.

It had been two days since Alex and I first kissed, and things had mostly gone back to normal. The only thing I hadn’t expected was that I was as okay as I was with the rejection. Despite expecting it, I never thought I’d be able to take it this easily, to move on as I was. Then again, it’s not like Alex had rejected my love. I’m pretty sure he still doesn’t know how I feel, and like I always say, that’s how I like it. But he did make it clear what he wanted our relationship to be, who he wanted me to be to him, and that was enough to tell me that he’d never love me back. But of course, I already knew that.

Still, having heard it from his own mouth made me feel both upset, and relieved, but more than anything, it made me feel surer of myself.

After sitting out there with my car parked on the side of the street, I finally built up some nerve and pushed the car door open. I walked up the driveway, around to the porch, up the stairs and to the front door. Before I could stop myself, I lifted my hand and gave the door three short, sharp knocks, before stepping back away from it.

I stood their awkwardly, my hands trained at my sides, and made sure not to move from this position even when the door slowly swung open. I just kind of stood there, looking at Daniel, not knowing what the hell to do.

His eyes seemed to lighten up at the sight of me, or maybe I was just flattering myself a little. “Hi.” He breathed out.

“Hi.” I said, and smirked a little. “Can I come in?” I asked carefully.

“Um, sure.” Daniel said, and then stepped aside. I walked slowly into the house and listened to the door click shut behind me. “So, what are you doing here?” He asked, sounding a bit suspicious. “Is everything okay with Alex?”

“Everything’s fine.” I said.

“Oh.” His voice fell. “So, you’re together now, then?” He asked.

“No.” I shrugged, keeping my back facing him.

“What?” He sounded surprised. “Why not? I thought you…”

“I told you I was never going to tell him, didn’t I?” I turned around, smiling mischievously

There was a short pause, and then this big dumb grin spread over his face, and I couldn’t help smiling wider as well.

“So you want to go out sometime, then?” He asked, still smiling stupidly.

“Sure.” I gave a shrug. He laughed suddenly, sounding insanely happy. And then his arms were around my neck and his lips were sloppily pushed to mine. Ever so slightly, I kissed back, still smirking.

So maybe I was taking advantage of his feelings. But it was because I knew how it felt to feel that way about someone. I couldn’t help but love the idea that he felt so strongly about me, and I thought that maybe, if I let myself, over time I could love the rest of him too. After all, I don’t need to be single to take care of Alex the way I always have. As long as Daniel understands that he’s my first priority, that is.

A/N- Just a short story that popped into my head while at a random party hosted by one of my friends :]. Turned out a helluva lot longer than I originally expected it to be, but I have to say, I’m satisfied with the ending.

From this I sort of want to create a character background for Cameron, to explain why he’s so protective of Alex, and why he’s so certain he’s no good for Alex. From the beginning I had a gist of Cameron’s past, enough to make a character out of him, but now I feel like elaborating further xD.

Anyway, I don’t know how I’ll go about doing that, but I guess it’s not that big a deal.

Review please! I’m also considering writing an alternate ending to this… perhaps to appeal to those who had a different end pairing in mind. XD.