This story wouldn't have been possible without the love, support and inspiration my friends give me: Nikki, David McLean, Jamie, Craig and Sara.
For those who have come so far with me - and I know it's been a helluva journey - my continued thanks.

This story is also dedicated to: Harvey Milk, Scott Smith, Cleve Jones, Dustin Lance Black, Gus Van Sant, Paul Monette, Oscar Wilde, Adam Lambert, Matthew Shepard, Larry King and Michael Stipe. To every person who has the guts to live their life in the open, to every person who marched for gay rights, donated some money, or pinned a white knot to their jackets. To everyone who felt their heart break a little when Proposition 8 passed, then just got down right angry when it was upheld by the Californian Supreme Court. A change is going to come, but it has to start with us.

---

"If a bullet should enter my brain, let the bullet destroy every closet door" - Harvey Milk

"Fay, you're at SuckerLove all day today, between marketing and the design team they've got you scheduled till 4:30. Dave, you've got to meet with Tina, you're talking her through the album rough cuts. Jeff, Tim from the drum store has your new kit, you can pick it up any time after 12," Jasper said, without even glancing down at his planner.

I wasn't really paying attention. He was wearing a sleeveless Ramones shirt, the slanting morning sun making his skin glisten. The skull tattoo at the top of his arm was so intricate, the spider web of cracks spreading from the temple across to the left eye and down...

"Harris? Yo, Harris!"

Jasper's sharp New Jersey accent drew me out of my day dream. I blinked slowly, my eyes clouded with glowing olive hued skin, black coffee eyes and a glinting silver lip ring...

"Huh, what?" I replied, trying to slow my heart rate.

"Earth to Matt!" Fay chuckled, his small frame quaking with amusement. "How's the weather up there?"

"Sorry," I mumbled, feeling a blush creeping up the back of my neck. I ran a hand through my hair, subconsciously pulling it over my face. "What did I miss?"

"Adam called me earlier, asked me if you were free for lunch," Jasper said, a faint bite to his words. "He said he tried calling you himself but couldn't get through."

"Right, I was on the phone to Aaron," I explained. "Time difference and all that. Lunch sounds good though, I'll call Adam now."

I rattled off the sentences, hoping I sounded casual and somewhat together. The last thing I needed was to unravel in front of my friends like that tiny black thread that rippled over Jasper's tanned shoulder...

"So, um...can I go?" I asked, starting to fidget on my stool. Dave threw me a worried glance, I pretended not to see it.

"Sure," Jasper replied. "But next time you're late, you're getting a detention."

His dark eyes sparkled, a hint of a smirk tugged at his full bottom lip. I told myself to act cool, be playful, or at least reply in a coherent, adult way. Instead I ducked my head, blushed a deeper and more embarrassing shade of pink and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

---

Adam and I met at one of our favourite little cafes. He was just back from a two week vacation with Michael and their two children, Gabrielle and Janoah. They'd gone to the Bahamas and had a great time, if the blissed out smile on Adam's face was anything to go by.

"Hi," I said as I sat down.

I felt calmer instantly, Adam has that effect on people. He's just so comfortable and at ease all the time, it's difficult to feel agitated when he's around. His warm brown hair was streaked with gold, his handsome face open and relaxed.

We talked for a while. He and Michael had really enjoyed their time off but both were ready to get back to work. Michael helps Fay run SuckerLove Inc and Adam's record label, Eden Records. Fay and I are both proud of our little half brother, he has built a beautiful family and a successful career for himself.

Adam and his band, The Best Deceptions, were eager to get in the studio. He told me all about the new Trainwrecks and Firewater album - Sonny, Skylar and their band had taken a new direction for the album, I couldn't wait to hear it.

"How's Kian?" I asked, half an hour into our conversation. He met my gaze, his eyes guarded.

"Honestly? He's happy. The band are incredible, they're in pre-production already. It's his birthday soon, Rayden's planning something huge," he told me, watching my face as he spoke. I appreciated his concern, but valued his honesty more.

"He's happy..." I repeated. "He and Rayden are ok, right?"

"Sure," he replied, shrugging casually. "Ray spends a lot of time at the studio, hanging out. Kian thought they should spend more time together."

"Good idea. I'm glad he's happy. I...I didn't want things to be difficult for him."

"How are you, Matt?" Adam asked.

"Better."

"Really?" He smiled softly. I couldn't help but smile back.

"Yes, really. I wanted Kian to be happy, and he is. I wanted to spend more time with Celeste and we've been having fun, the band's sounding great..." I explained. "Sometimes, I kinda feel like I'm sitting around waiting for this new life to start."

"That's perfectly normal. You've just put a lot of your issues to rest, you're moving on. It's admirable, the way you've handled the situation."

"Admirable? Adam, I had an extra marital affair with a teenage rock star who happened to be the brother of one of my good friends. I don't think there's anything admirable about that," I reminded him. He laughed, a light chuckle.

"But you've definitely gotten better at taking compliments," he quipped.

I'd missed hanging out with my friends, just talking and joking. It was easy talking to Adam, with no looming crisis or emotional trauma. I felt normal and content.

So of course, Adam decided to drop a bomb.

"You like Jasper's band, right?" He asked as he tore at a bread roll with his graceful fingers.

The mention of Jasper's band was enough to conjure up images of the live performance I'd witnessed - his body, compact and tight, barrelling around the stage, the way he wound the microphone cord around his hands, the blood running down his chin from his burst lip. Yeah, I'd liked them. Jasper's voice was raw but powerful, his angry lyrics weaving around the band's intense sound. They were really good.

"Yeah," I swallowed. "They're really good."

"I want you to produce a demo for them," he said, still watching my expression carefully. I nearly choked on my coffee.

"What?" I sputtered. "Why?"

"I want to sign his band, but they don't trust me, they don't want to be used," he explained. "I understand, they all have a lot of integrity. But I think they have a great message, I think they could be really important. I don't want them to fade out just because they didn't have the adequate support."

His eyes shone with enthusiasm and sincerity. Adam meant every word - money didn't really factor into it for him, I don't think it ever has.

"But why are you funding a demo if you haven't signed them?" I asked.

"Because I want to prove to them that I'm in this for the right reasons. I'm gonna fund the recording and show them that not all record labels are after their souls. They can do what they like with the demo afterwards, even if they don't want to sign with me," he answered. "Matt, I just want their music out there, even if I'm not the person releasing it."

"That's really cool of you, and I'm flattered, but I've never produced a punk CD before, I wouldn't be of much use to them."

"That doesn't matter! Tony Visconti did a great job on Anti-Flag's cd and he'd never produced a punk album before. Punk doesn't have rules," he argued.

I wanted to say yes. I wanted to spend my days with Jasper, creating music with him, getting to know him. But I couldn't mess with their careers just because I was oddly fascinated with Jasper. That wasn't fair.

"I dunno Adam..."

"Will you at least think about it?"

I knew I wouldn't think about anything else.

---

It was a quiet morning. The house sighed in the early sun. I watched from my window as Jasper Hart's battered van - with his band name sprayed on the side - pulled up, blocking my own car in the process.

He leapt from the vehicle, his faded black tee shirt hanging off a slender shoulder. It was ripped down the back, exposing the colourful miniature pieces of art that adorned his skin. His jeans were at least two sizes too big, slipping down to reveal his black underwear.

He grabbed his bag and the Starbucks tray from the passenger seat, struggled to unlock the door and step inside. I moved from the window to sit silently in the shadow of the curtain for a moment.

I was desperate to go downstairs, to hear his Jersey accent and see his skin up close - olive echoes of his Italian heritage. I just wanted to say hello. But Jasper and I don't exactly get on, so I was always hesitant around him.

I showered, dressed and dried my hair before going downstairs. Celeste and Aidan were watching Spongebob Squarepants on the flat screen in the lounge. Dave, Fay and Jasper were sitting at the table in the kitchen, drinking coffee. Jasper and Fay were going over the week's schedule while Dave flicked through the latest issue of the Advocate.

I ignored the way my stomach flipped as I brushed past Jasper to get to the fridge. It was like freezing and melting all at once - but the contradiction was nothing new when it came to my feelings about Fay's punk loving personal assistant.

His black hair had grown back well, his red mohawk eventually fading to the point where he had dyed it back to his natural colour out of sheer boredom. It was unkempt but clean, and slightly curly at the base of his neck. He hadn't had time to blow dry it that morning - he must have slept in again.

"Morning Mattie-Jay," Fay said, smiling as I sat down. He pushed his plate towards me. It contained half his stack of pancakes - he'd saved them for me.

"Morning everyone," I replied before I downed half my glass of orange juice. "What's on the agenda today?" I glanced at Jasper as I asked. His gaze was reserved, wary. It usually was when I was around.

"Finalising the designs for the new Suckerlove jeans with the design team at 12, meeting with marketing at 1:30 and then..." Fay answered, looking to Jasper to complete his sentence.

"And then you've got an interview with Andy from Out," Jasper concluded.

"Yeah, that's right. Andy," Fay said with a nod.

"Busy day," I noted. "I have nothing planned."

"I'm gonna take Aidan to the park, wanna come?" Dave asked, smiling at me.

"Sure, Celeste loves the park," I agreed.

I like spending time with Dave. He's so soothing - like summer afternoons and breakfast on Sundays. He's just so calm and collected, level headed and wise. I think that's why he and Fay are so great together, they're complete opposites.

Dave kissed Fay goodbye and then we got the kids ready. Celeste is old enough to dress herself, so I helped her round up her toys - her skates, frisbee and ball.

I watched Dave apply sun cream to Aidan's pale skin - he's fair, like Fay. It's hard to believe that Aidan isn't biologically Dave's son - he treats him like his own, he always has. Aidan adores his dads. There was a time when he started every sentence with "my dads are so cool!" no matter what he was talking about.

It was a beautiful, bright morning. Dave and I sat together on the grass while the kids played on the swings. Dave had a fairly relaxed dad, so he didn't believe in overcrowding Aidan. He was watchful, but not neurotic. I followed his lead, watching over Celeste but letting her play.

"So how have you been?" Dave asked. His question was casual, but his gaze was steady.

"The unabridged version?"

"Aidan will be on the swings for at least an hour, they're his favourite. He gets it from Fay," he replied, smiling softly at the mention of his partner.

"Well, I don't really know. I feel alright now, when I'm with you guys or Celeste. But we've been living in a bubble since I got back. I haven't really seen..."

I let my sentence trail off. I still found it difficult to talk about Kian Martoni, and the disastrous affair that nearly destroyed both our lives.

I've had a pretty good life, it'd be stupid for me to argue otherwise. Anavrin were more successful than ever when I met Kian Martoni. We were selling CDs by the shed load, playing sold out stadium tours and had finally managed to win over most of our critics while we conquered the mainstream. I had a beautiful wife, who had stood by me through heroin addiction and general craziness. Angel and I were fairly content and our daughter, Celeste, was an incredible child.

Falling in love with Kian didn't ruin my life. The passionate teen rock star with his sad eyes and knowing smile swept me off my feet without even knowing about it. After I received death threats - who knew a rock'n'roll guitarist could inspire so much anger? - Angel and I decided to leave our life behind. I quit the band that made me and we scurried off to the suburbs.

But Kian and I slept together before I left. I hoped it would help me move on, but it just made things worse. I couldn't leave him alone, even though he had a dedicated boyfriend. I filed for divorce and returned to the Anavrin mansion in the Hollywood Hills. Fay, Dave and Jeff welcomed me back and supported me when Kian ran away to Paris, breaking his boyfriend's heart.

I ended up following him there and we talked through our bizarre relationship. I knew it was doomed, but I had to try. I love Angel, but I'm not in love with her. Kian loves me, but he's not in love with me. He's in love with his boyfriend, Rayden. We both returned home. Rayden forgave Kian and I threw myself into finishing the Anavrin CD.

So there I was, divorced, heartbroken and exhausted, with Dave asking me how I was.

"I'm worried about what will happen when I need to see Kian and Rayden again," I confessed. "I know that's cowardly..."

"It's not. You're being realistic, it's not as if you can pretend the whole thing didn't happen. Of course things might be a little weird, we all spend a lot of time together."

Dave was right. We were very close friends with Trainwrecks and Firewater - their frontman Sonny is Kian's older brother. We are also friends with The Best Deceptions, Adam Eden's band. Adam is the partner of Michael Adams-Harris Eden, the half brother of Fay and I. Adam signed Kian's new band, Darkest Before The Dawn, to Eden Records, his indie label when they returned from Paris. Only Kian could run away to France and come home with two incredibly talented band mates. With The Best Deceptions, Trainwrecks and Firewater and Kian's new band, we'd formed an extended family. I would have to spend time with Kian eventually, all the bands spent so much time together both professionally and in a social setting.

"I'll deal with it," I assured him. "I'm not going to let my monumental foolishness ruin our completely weird family dynamic."

"Good to hear," Dave replied, draping a supportive arm around my shoulder. I leaned into his casual embrace, smiling.

"Faggots."

I felt Dave's whole body stiffen beside me. I shuddered, as if a giant slab of ice had settled in my stomach. Revulsion battled rage inside me, my stomach flipped as my blood boiled.

Dave met the man's gaze, his eyes cold. He didn't pull away from me though. The man looked fairly average - kinda short, balding. He had a beer gut, big enough to put me off beer for life.

Aidan ran over, his smile wide with exhilaration. Dave stood to meet his son, towering over the homophobic jerk. Anyone who knows Dave knows he's not violent by nature, but he's over six foot tall, has broad shoulders and a sturdy frame. He can look pretty menacing when he wants. I noticed the man gulp when he realised Dave could easily snap him in half.

"Yeah, what of it?" Dave snarled. The man held up his hands in surrender before stumbling off.

"Daddy!" Aidan said, tugging on Dave's jeans. The anger melted from Dave in an instant, he was glowing by the time he crouched down to see what Aidan needed.

"What's up sport?" He asked, ruffling his son's hair.

"Can I have a juice box please?" Aidan asked, smiling at Dave as he danced from foot to foot.

"Sure thing. Grape or orange?"

"Grape please! Grape is purple!"

Dave smiled at Aidan's burst of energy as he pulled a juice box from the bag. I couldn't help but grin. Their exchange was so ordinary, but it was filled with love and warmth. Dave popped the straw into the juice box before handing it to Aidan. They swapped smiles and high fives before Aidan ran back to the swings with his juice.

"Are you ok?" I asked him as he sat back down.

"Yeah," he sighed. "I've been out for a really long time now, I'm used to it."

"That...kinda sucks. He doesn't even know you," I mumbled.

"No, he doesn't. But he wasn't wrong. I am gay, and I'm proud of it. If that's all he can say to hurt me...well, that's pathetic," he said, shrugging.

"I guess," I agreed. "Still sucks though."

---

Fay and Dave went out to dinner that night. I wondered if Dave would tell Fay about what happened at the park - Fay gets upset about things like that. Adam and Michael came over - Michael bought veggie lasagne, because I can't even boil an egg. Celeste was thrilled - Adam and Michael's daughter Gabrielle is her best friend. Aidan and Janoah retreated to the lounge to play with their building blocks.

We were enjoying a few beers, just hanging out. I was grateful that I'd managed to hold onto a shred of normalcy. I took comfort in the easy conversation and light hearted humour.

The phone rang around 9:30. Adam and Michael had left to put their kids to bed. Celeste was on her last episode of Spongebob. It was Jasper.

"Oh, Harris," he stammered - he had clearly been expecting someone else to answer.

"Jasper, hey. What's up?" I tried to sound laid back, but I could feel a blush creeping over my skin.

"Nothing, nothing. I was uh...looking for Fay."

"He's out with Dave," I told him. "Romantic dinner or something."

"Oh, that's cute."

"Yeah, cute."

The silence stretched between us, long and awkward. I shuffled from foot to foot. I heard him swallow nervously.

"Is it ok if I come over for a while? I just got out of band practice but Joey's got a shift at work and...I dunno, I don't feel like sitting home alone," he explained quietly.

My heart skipped a beat. I was tongue tied - I wanted to say yes, of course, I wanted to ask a million questions. I wanted to flirt, be coy. Most of all, I wanted to be mature and cool about the whole thing.

"Yeah, of course," I told him. "I'm sure Celeste would love to see you."

I was right - Celeste was grinning from ear to ear by the time Jasper's van pulled up. I tidied up the living room while he told her a bed time story.

"That's one helluva kid you've got there," he said as he sat down beside me on the sofa.

"Yeah, she's incredible," I replied, glancing at him.

He was clearly exhausted, his compact frame seemed smaller than usual. His shoulders sagged. There were purple black smudges around his usually fiery eyes.

"Would you like a beer or something?" I asked, not really sure what to say.

"No thanks, I'm straight edge," he answered, rubbing at his eyes.

"Really? You were a smoker when we met."

"You remember that?" He asked, his gaze guarded. I nodded, hoping my long black fringe hid the blush on my cheeks.

"Well, I was going through a self destructive phase," he said.

"And now?"

"Now I want to live without relying on drugs, alcohol or one night stands...it left me feeling empty," he explained, staring down at his hands. He had the words "Live" and "Love" tattooed on his fingers.

"That's really...mature," I murmured, unable to take my hands off him. There was sorrow in his dark eyes. "You're only nineteen."

"I grew up quick."

He seemed so sad and vulnerable. Despite his mature outlook, he looked so young in that moment. The attitude, confidence and anger had been stripped away - leaving a lonely young man who was so far from home.

I reached out without even realising, brushing my fingertips across the soft skin on the back of his hand. I heard him suck in a breath, but he didn't say anything.

I acted on impulse - surprise, surprise. I'm one of those "act now, maybe think later" types, that's why I'm always getting myself into trouble.

His lips were soft against mine, softer than I had expected. When he didn't move away, I slid closer, cupping his jaw with a shaking hand. He hadn't shaved, but it didn't weird me out at all. It felt natural, and when he relaxed against me, I couldn't help but smile. I was contemplating nibbling his lip ring (I've never kissed anyone with a pierced lip before so the etiquette was beyond me) when the front door opened.

Jasper pulled away instantly, his eyes wide. I wanted to grab his wrist, assure him it was alright, but he was already on his feet. I watched in stunned silence as he grabbed his jacket and rushed out, passing Fay in the hallway.

"What just happened?" Fay asked as he came into the living room.

"I have no idea," I confessed, my lips still tingling.