Ignorance

After all the times I trusted him, after all the words I said to him, all the promises we made together, how could he do this to me? He broke my heart and now everything just seemed to wrong. I couldn’t believe any of this. It had to be some sort of nightmare, it just had to be. He wouldn’t do this to me! He wouldn’t have hurt me like this! He loved me! He told me, promised me! There had to be some sort of a mistake.

I knew though, somewhere deep down in my heart I knew. I wondered now if I had known all along that it would end this way. He cheated on me and I should have seen it. In fact, I think I did see it. I think I knew about this all along but I needed someone to tell me. I needed someone to tell me that I wasn’t just imagining it. Now, after all my ignorance I’ve been heartbroken and crushed. It’s too late to make it all ok. I was such a stupid little fool and he was just so not worth all this.

I loved him but I expected it to end badly like this. From the very being I knew it would end badly but I chose to ignore it. I knew that this was all too good to be true. There’s no way this boy, of all the guys I know, it was too perfect for this boy to actually love me. He can’t love anyone, only himself. He wasn’t worth the time I gave him and he definitely isn’t worth this pain I’m feeling.

Now I wish that I had never agreed to go out with him, but I felt special. I felt loved like this was something that was real, something that was going to last. Love is blind and I knew that and I knew how he was but still, I wanted to believe that he could really love me. I wanted to believe that he could have real feelings for me and just me, but I guess that wasn’t true and I doubt it ever will be.

Maybe one day some lucky girl will be able to capture his heart and hold it for real. Maybe he’ll end up falling in love with her for real too and it won’t just be some stupid game for him. I’d like to see that. I would like to see him grow up and become something real but I don’t think that will happen any time soon for him or I. He’s too into playing games rather then get into anything serious and I’m just not lucky enough to find anyone that won’t use me or play with my heart. It’s a loosing situation I guess. That’s all I can figure.

Still, that doesn’t make me feel any better and neither does he. He’s such an idiot with his stupid apologies and how he begs me to take him back. It’s so hard to say no because I still like him so much but I don’t want to be hurt again. I wish he would just let it go and leave me be. I just want to try and move on without him in my life. I don’t want to be anywhere around him. I just want him to go away and never come back. He’s too stupid to figure that much out, even if I did tell him.

No, he just wants me to come back and give him another chance. He keeps telling me he won’t hurt me again and that he’s sorry, but I just don’t believe it. This is the same trick he pulls with every girl and as soon as he gets them back he gives them all the attention in the world and then he cheats on them all over again. I’ve seen him do it so many times before and I don’t want to be another chalk mark on his wall. I don’t want to be hurt anymore, not by him.

I keep telling him no. I keep asking him to leave me alone, but he just doesn’t get it. It doesn’t matter how sorry he thinks he is and it doesn’t matter how many times he says it I’m never going to give in. I’m not going to let him take me for a fool again. I’m not going to be his stupid puppet. I don’t want to be that anymore. I just want to go my own way, far away from him. I wish that he would learn to understand that.

Maybe if I smack or kick him, it would make me feel better but I don’t think even that would help. He wouldn’t be smart enough to get why I hit him even if I told him. He just wouldn’t get it. He’s just too into himself to get or understand the feelings of others and that’s what hurts the most…