11

…You Showed Your Colours True.

My Mum and Dad are sitting on their bed, hand in hand, their heads close together, but it wasn’t their room here in Walpi, it was in the house in Melbourne.

“What are we going to do about her?” My mother whispered to him. Dad sighed and shook his head.

“Some days she seems so happy and other’s it looks like she’s dying,” he said grimly, Mum nodded.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. The pain it comes and goes so quickly but it’s so strong!”

“Maybe we should send her back?” Dad suggested but Mum looked heartbroken at the idea.

“No,” she shook her head adamantly. Dad opened his mouth to speak but my mother interrupted him. “I’m not babying her!”

“She had a bad experience, with Harriet I’m sure of it, but we can’t let her run away like this.”

“It’s more than Harriet, Jay,” Mum said squeezing his hand. “Eden’s not that trivial, to lose her future over anybody. Something happened, why can’t she speak to us about it?”

“Scared?” Dad suggested.

“Could it be…?” Mum said, eyebrows raised in silent suggestion. Dad frowned in thought.

“She’s still so young but you know more than I do about it,” he said, getting accustomed to the idea.

“I wish I did,” She said with a sigh, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

No screams, just the cold sweat of panic. I hadn’t fooled my parents at all, all these month of hiding my secret!

No, no, it was just a dream, my subconscious. I was just worried that they were on to me, these sleepless nights weren’t helping. But what pain where they talking about? I hadn’t been in any physical pain in Melbourne or any pain like what they were describing, visible pain? No, I was only heartbroken at losing ‘friends’, at being humiliated like that, at discovering I was a freak but it was nothing that my parents could’ve seen and known. See, that was evidence enough I’m just imagining it all.

Why couldn’t I fall back asleep then? I hoped that the stars would help some and left the warmth of my bed and wandered out onto the terrace outside my room. The stars were out in their millions, maybe I could catch a glimpse of Nana or Pa.

What star are you Nana? How I wished you weren’t a million miles away, I wished you were down here with me so that I could tell you everything, so that you could make me feel better with one kiss and tell me it’s all alright.

My mind battled over whether I should speak to Mum about my dreams and the freakiness. She’d understand, she’s my mother after all and not only that but she’s such an understanding person, there was no doubt she would understand. I’d tell her first thing in the morning, I decided; a problem shared is a problem halved, right? No. I couldn’t. Why be silent all this time and then say it now when she’s so happy and working so well. I’d just ruin life for everybody. New decision; I’d just keep quiet.

“Boo!” I heard Kele right before I saw his head hover over mine. His hands clamped over my mouth to muffle the shriek that came out but his smile never left his face. “Could you be any louder? You want to wake up the Elders next door?”

I sat up and pushed his shoulder in frustration once he’d let go of my mouth. Damn, he was strong and muscle-y.

“You scared me!” I whispered, careful not to wake anybody up, particularly the Elders. I still hadn’t met them and somehow, in the middle of the night wasn’t the impression I was going for.

“I can see that!” he chuckled quietly. “I couldn’t resist, sorry!” I shook my head, hand over my heart to speed its recovery. If it wasn’t for that smile I’d have killed him right there. Wait, where’s his hair gone?

“You cut you hair!” No Mohawk. No hair really, it was just longer than a buzz.

“Yeah, it was getting long,” he said rubbing his hands back and forth the top of his head. Man, I liked his hair. “You don’t like it?”

“It’s not up to me is it?” No. I didn’t like it one bit. He smiled and shrugged.

“It’s an opinion.”

“What difference will it make?”

“Just say it,” he stressed, eyebrows furrowed in waiting.

“I think you should grow it back,” I blurted out after a while. He looked at me amused and nodded pensively. Why did I always see him at night, when I was feeling less guarded? Why wasn’t he around in the day when I could show him a thing or two?

“Back to the Mohawk?” he asked me.

“I suppose,” I said with a shrug. That Mohawk did have its perks.

“You have a better idea?” Sure, ear length at the front and mid-neck at the back, I had an eye for hair even if I do say so myself!

“Grow it and see,” I told him not wanting to overstep my mark. He nodded, taking in my ambiguous suggestion.

“I have a question,” he stated, tone picking up somewhat.

“Surprising,” I said with uncharacteristic sarcasm. Not with strangers anyway. He smiled at me and rolled his eyes.

“If I ask for a favour from someone, you think they’d accept?” Kele said softly. It sounded like he was nervous but I couldn’t understand why the question was directed at me, why I was the one with this answer.

“Depends on what it is and who of course, I doubt anyone here will refuse you a favour though,” I replied, watching his smile grow.

“Will you accompany your family to the ceremony on Sunday?” He asked, full grin in place. I wasn’t expecting that! “Is that a lot to ask?”

“No, but I don’t want to say yes in case I don’t come,” I told him honestly.

“You mean you’ve never made a promise that you couldn’t keep?” He asked interestedly. I shook my head for greater emphasis.

“Never, and it’s a record I want to keep!” I said, shrinking in shyly. Kele had flashed a smile too charming for it not to affect my heart rate. Yeesh, I was such a teenager.

“That’s very admirable,” he said and I noticed how close he’d gotten. His arm kept brushing against mine as we sat side by side. It was the reason I wasn’t shivering in the night air, I realised. “But what’s stopping you from coming to the ceremony?”

My reclusive ego, my fear of meeting everybody and of them discovering my freakiness. It seemed to be uncontrollable in large crowds. More then anything, I couldn’t bear to see the looks on their faces when they realise what I am, what my family would think of me, how they would look when they leave me. I was even afraid of seeing Kele’s reaction and solitude seemed to be the only prevention to all that.

“I’ll try,” was all I actually said to him.

“Now now, wasn’t it you that said nobody here would refuse me?” I shook my head smiling.

“No, you must’ve imagined it!” I said, letting out a rare giggle. A giggle? What the hell?

“Do I have to plead?” he asked, leaning towards me a little more and nudging my shoulder with his. I picked up my shoulder bashfully and hid my blush behind my fidgeting hands as they pulled back my loose hair behind my ears. Thank God it was dark out.

“I’ll try really hard ok?” I offered, he smiled and nodded.

“I think I prefer you at night,” he said with a chuckle. I rolled my eyes and smiled.

“Less stubborn?” I suggested.

“Better conversationalist,” he clarified. I scoffed at it. A good conversation with me was as likely as bumping into your favourite band in the Arctic.

“Well you’re the first and probably the last person to say that!” I admitted to him. Kele didn’t say anything; he just smiled at me and gave me a long lingering look that did nothing to my self restraint. Life was so much simpler when he wasn’t there.

“Well, you probably need to give people a chance to hear that wonderful voice of yours,” he suggested. My heart fluttered again but I shook my head at his idea. “You’re just going to stay silent and invisible to everybody?”

“It doesn’t work on everybody,” I said, giving him a sideways look. He grinned at me.

“I’m flattered!” he said, hand over heart. I shook my head embarrassed and looked out at the stars above the horizon.

“You know, I used to be able to walk through school and no one would see me,” I told him proudly. I loved that I was able to be so quiet that even teachers hardly noticed I was there, but now….now I can’t escape his gaze. I think I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be invisible because of him. “So really, by comparison, I’m actually making an effort at conversation in Walpi.” Kele smiled at me and my memory, before his eyes turned pensive.

“How is your college work not suffering by being here?” Whoa, wasn’t expecting that!

“I took a year out to come here,” I explained, not seeing the need to explain the other reasons.

“Couldn’t you just transfer to Northern Arizona?”

“I…yes but…” one, I hadn’t thought of that and two, why was he so interested?

“Only, your mother mentioned how important it was for you to finish your degree, I just thought you might not know about NAU, a few of us Rez kids go to study there so you’ll always have a travel buddy if you decide to go.”

“You go to College?”

“Not anymore, some of the-”

“Graduated?” Kele nodded, not offended that I’d just interrupted him, he looked cheery actually. “In what? And when? Aren’t you, like, my age?”

“No, I’m older actually.”

“21?”

“22.” Man, three years older than me! I didn’t know why I was annoyed with him being older than me. It was like he had one over on me, even though it was only my twisted head that thought of it that way. Wait, that meant he was older than Catori. It always seemed to me that she was the eldest. She acted like it, she worked like she was.

“If you’re the eldest, how come Catori has more responsibility with the Chief?” I asked. Kele frowned instantly, like I’d said something wrong.

“My Dad is the eldest, not me,” he replied quietly. He looked uncomfortable so I changed the conversation before it got awkward. I wasn’t here to make friends or enemies.

“What did you do at college?” I asked him, happy that he perked up again.

“I majored in Chemistry and-”

“Chemistry?” I interrupted again. It was rude but he just kept surprising me, the more I found out about him.

“Why is that so hard to believe?” He didn’t look cheery at this interruption though, he looked annoyed. At me most probably, perhaps I had insulted him too many times in one night.

“It’s not I guess. Sorry.”

“No need to apologise, everybody always has the same reaction,” he said, pouting a little. Maybe that’s why he was so annoyed, not at me. I could understand it easily, it’s like being told after a recital you don’t have any musicality. I wonder what to call someone with ability in chemistry. Chemicality? Nah.

“Say something really clever and complicated!” He cocked an eyebrow at my order. “Go on, I want to be confounded!” Kele chuckled and shook his head. No more pout, just smiles. Much better.

ALERT! ALERT! You’re in danger of falling for him! RETREAT!

The warning voice in my head rang out and I chose to ignore it. Just until I knew he hadn’t been offended by me and that it was cool between us. The last thing I needed was Mum telling me off for being rude to the residents, and the Chief’s son no less.

Sure you’re doing it for Mum.

Damn, unable to lie to my own self.

Alright, I could admit it. I was basking in his warmth a bit before I had to face the nightmares and the ghosts. I looked at Kele, still waiting for his answer but he didn’t look like he was thinking of anything to say. He looked like he was confused. Must’ve been a while since he had looked at his chemistry books!

“Wow!” he said finally.

“Can’t think of anything to say can you?” He shook his head, with a furrowed brow.

“I could say a lot but I’m worried about your reaction.” My reaction? I’d be stumped. I never got Chemistry.

“Oh, don’t worry, you don’t really have to try very hard to confound me.” Kele chuckled and shook his head at me, his eyes glinting as he turned to me.

“I see we’re talking about different things.”

“What were you talking about? We hadn’t finished the Chemistry yet!”

“Your…um,” he paused and frowned. Crap! I should have listened to my alarm. It was time to run, he knew about my multiple personalities, he knew of my freakiness! The question was how to make my exit? Do I just excuse myself or pretend I heard something and then go.

“Kele…what was that?” No pretending, I had just seen a flash of light coming out of one of the houses on the row. Kele turned to follow my line of vision and ended up blocking my view. What was that?

“Nothing, just a torch or something,” he said quickly but there was something weird about his voice. He was lying. He turned back to look at me and I made the mistake of looking him in the eyes. They quietened any question I was going to ask but there was no mistaking what I saw in them. In their depth, there was a secret and a fear. Something was definitely going on.

“A torch?” I asked, unconvinced. If that wasn’t the dagiest thing…

Don’t push it!

More warnings from my brain, this time I listened to it and pursed my lips.

“You’re doing it again!” Kele whispered. Oh yeah, doubting people, distrusting them? Cynicism is my gift. “Maybe because you’re so sad.”

He had repeated Miki’s opinion of me. Was I really that noticeably sad? It was his voice that was the worst thing about it, it sounded broken and made me feel even sadder, it made me want to break down those walls I’d built and cry.

That box of mine, the one he wouldn’t leave alone, was in extreme danger of being opened right then. Maybe it was already too late, maybe he had already opened it and he was just peaking, seeing all my internal issues, my history, my screwed up-ness.

“You shouldn’t do that,” I warned him.

“What happened to you?” he persisted, ignoring my warning.

“Nothing happened!” My defences kicked in and I moved away from him and back into my room, without looking behind me. I didn’t care about reputation then, I just wanted to protect myself. My box needed a tighter lock, I decided.

“Why did you get upset?” Kele said a little too abruptly. I turned at the sound of his voice and found him standing in my doorway, hands gripping either side of the frame.

“Straight to the point much?” I replied shortly.

“No point going in circles.”

“Evidently.”

“I was just being honest with you, I’m sorry I upset you,” he said a little calmer. “You were speaking so openly, I didn’t think you’d find it so personal.”

“I’m not upset about that, I’m not upset to about anything,” I lied. I was upset with myself, for letting him get to me.

“So why did you run away?”

“I suddenly realised how tired I was,” I said with a sigh. Kele frowned and took a step back, his eyes focussed on something outside and his attention went with it. I took the opportunity to sit on my bed and hoped when his attention returned, he’d get the hint.

My hands fell upon his blanket and my mind lost its focus.

*** ***

A young Kele slept uneasily on his bed, his sheets crumpled underneath him and a large, red blanket covered his feverish body. He mumbled incoherently, quietly at first but getting louder. A woman rushed to his side, tending to his face, wiping away the sweat and smoothing out the frown until he quietened down. Her heart wrenched at the sight of him in pain and turned to her husband behind her, sitting in the rocking chair, watching his son with great angst.

“Taqa, he’s not going to make it!” she said alarmed. Taqa moved towards her, taking her hands in his as he knelt in front of her.

“Muna, you can’t say that,” he said pleadingly. “Not you! I know it’s hard to see him like this but you have to believe he’ll come out stronger, please.” Muna pursed her lips and tried to control her panic.

“He’s only 15,” she whimpered, her tired eyes moving back to her son. Kele jerked to his side with a groan, making his parents flinch in surprise. Muna brushed her fingers through his hair and whispered comforting endearments in his ear until his face turned mellow.

“Let all the grace in me be yours my beautiful child,” she whispered, arms wrapped around him protectively, securing the patterned red blanket around him. Taqa’s eyes widened at her words.

“Muna, you don’t need to do that!” he said worried. Muna groaned in response and pushed at his attempts to remove her from Kele.

“He won’t make it unless I do, trust me,” she said urgently. Taqa’s eyes reddened.

“Do you know what you’re doing?” he said, hands grabbing at her shoulders “Muna?”

“You’ll be fine,” she said with a frown, eyes closing for a moment. “I’ll be here for a while yet, everything with be fine now.”

“Muna,” Taqa said in a hoarse whisper. “What about Hurit?” Muna’s face lost all its worry lines and turned stoic. She let out a sigh and turned back to Kele.

“Everything will be fine,” she said to herself, watching him writhe in pain.

“It means nothing alone,” Taqa said to her. Muna nodded in agreement. She understood both meaning to his words but she’d made her decision.

“We’ve had our go Taqa, how can I not grant the same happiness for Kele?” she asked him, taking a hold of her husband’s hand tightly. “How could I harm two lives and the future of the Hopi?” Taqa frowned in silence, kissing her hand gently.

“Mama,” Kele moaned deliriously. Muna sighed and held him closer.

“My grace is yours Kele!” she said, in his ears. Kele let out a long sigh and settled under the blanket, in his mother’s arms and love.

*** ***

My eyes refocused back on my dark room. My head shot to my hand resting on the red patterned blanket on my bed. It was the same one! I jumped up and looked at it warily.

What was that about?!

The vision replayed in my head and the Chief’s word hit a chord.

It means nothing alone.

Did he mean life meant nothing without her, or was he talking about something else. Her grace? Was he connected to her in more than just marriage? Did he have his own grace that meant nothing on its own? Is ‘grace’ actually the magic of tribes? Am I not the only freak out there?

I turned around to see if Kele was still there, if he had seen anything or if I had imagined the whole thing. He was still at the door, arms limp at his sides, eyes drawn and far away.

“Kele?” I whispered, too frightened to speak any louder. His eyes shot to mine and I saw his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed hard.

“Good night Eden,” he whispered back, giving the blanket one last look before disappearing out of my view.

Had he seen it too?