The See–Saw

I used to tell my first real girlfriend that I loved her, all the time. “I love you.” It’s so simple to say, so incredible to hear. You have to understand that I’ve always been a committed person, true to my word, and a hopeless romantic, so telling her that I loved her was just a natural step for me, because even though our relationship had its share of problems and sin issues, I desired at that point in my life to stay with her forever. Funny how in the moment it all seems so grand and fateful, and then you realize that you’re trying to pound the square block into the circular hole. My somewhat foolish escapade of a first relationship did last the majority of two years before it fell apart, largely due to the fact that we were both selfish people thinking more of ourselves as individuals than ourselves as a unit. In retrospect, I have come to understand that I didn’t really love her, and she didn’t really love me, a fact that naturally begs the following question: how can I really know if I truly love someone?

Love is an elusive concept. Man has been trying to define it since the philosophers of ancient Greece and seeking to obtain it since the dawn of time. Ironically, the Bible has held all the keys all along, but man has always been renowned for ignoring the clear signposts in favor of a more or less rational reality. Now, before you close this page in disgust, I just want to be clear that I’m not trying to reveal anything earth–shattering about the vast mystery that is love. I don’t have all the answers and I’m not going to pretend like I do. This essay is not intended to be persuasive: it’s intended to be thought–provoking. Granted, it is an opinion essay, but it is based on the truth of God’s Word. My goal is not to make you see love the way I do, but to make you evaluate yourself and your own philosophy. In that regard, this essay is not strictly for Christians. It is also applicable for those who do not hold with the teachings of the Bible. Even if you don’t view Scripture as the source of all legitimate authority, it still remains a practical tool that touches every aspect of our lives. However, let me be explicitly clear that the Bible is undoubtedly the Word of God and it has the power to change lives irreversibly. It doesn’t have anything to do with my belief or yours. Absolute truth is unaffected by context or opinion. It remains the truth.

So, without further ado, let’s start by evaluating the title of this essay, The See–Saw. I think it’s safe to say that the contrasting elements involved in this metaphor are fairly obvious because the long debate over feelings and emotions versus commitment and action has been stretched and skewed in every public forum known to man. Therefore, because we are constantly shifting between the emotional and committed elements in our relationships, I have chosen to embody love in this essay in the metaphor of a see–saw rather than that of a scale. Even though we should desire for our love to be a balance of both feelings and action, we should also seek to be flexible in our relationships and – depending on circumstances – shift more to one side or the other.

Now, as far as the allocation of these themes is concerned, there are differing schools of thought, and I think it’s necessary to understand them before we can start building a foundation of what love really is and what it should look like. Let’s use the example of Republicans, Democrats, and Independents in a purely metaphorical sense (because no respective party holds entirely any of the following views). For the sake of this example, let’s say that Republicans would hold the viewpoint that commitment and sacrificial action are what make up love and would feel that relying on emotion and feelings is a recipe for an erratic, unstable relationship. Democrats, on the other hand, would stress that the heart knows best and hold emotions as the proof of true love – because to them, basing a relationship on such a rigid structure as commitment limits the spontaneity and potential of two people together. Finally, Independents would say that there must be a balance between commitment and feelings because love cannot be just one or the other. In this regard, I would consider myself firmly in the Independent category because I believe the Bible is very clear on the fact that love is a beautiful thing which draws its being from the order and structure of commitment as well as people’s desires to be together.

As a side note, there are a few other slightly more radical viewpoints – for example, the individuals who feel that everyone should become a monk and ignore their feelings entirely. Just for the record, I want to be perfectly clear that I do not condemn celibacy in any way. I know for a fact that God has placed the desire in some individuals’ hearts to devote their lives to Him and Him alone without the distraction of a spouse to hinder them. The Apostle Paul is a prime example of this. However, I do not agree with those celibates who feel that everyone should follow their way of living. The celibate lifestyle is no more honoring and glorifying to God than the marriage/dating relationship if it is not done in accordance with the Scripture. If an individual feels the calling to adopt such a practice, I would encourage them to do so with all their heart and to be fully consistent and devoted. In addition to celibates, there are also those dramatic individuals who claim that love does not exist, a sentiment that is based upon self–pity, drawn either from a past of either emotional abuse or romantic failure. And finally, people who equate sexuality with love simply have no grasp of how selfish that is or how shallow: sex is absolutely an expression of love, but there is a proper time and place in which to do it.

So, without further ado, let’s begin evaluating love, our see–saw. Clearly there are countless definitions in philosophy that seek to nail it down as a tangible thing, easy to be grasped. Let’s begin this discussion by establishing what it is not.

First of all, love is not infatuation. “Falling in love”, getting warm fuzzies, butterflies – that’s all infatuation, and it’s wonderful to have that. It never has to go away. However, infatuation alone does not equate to love – unless, of course, you live in Beverly Hills. Infatuation is undoubtedly beautiful and enjoyable, but a huge problem arises when people begin to prioritize the sensations they feel over actual desire and a real commitment. If you cannot be “in love” without being infatuated, there is a serious disconnect. The relationship built on that philosophy will fail, guaranteed – whenever the going starts to get rough. The couple that stays together based on obligation alone and no desire is no more successful than the couple who fall apart completely.

Second of all, love is not selfish or self–serving. The husband who puts his feet up while his wife does all the housework is not actively loving his wife. The boyfriend who prioritizes everything else in his life that he enjoys doing over spending time with his girlfriend and caring for her needs is not actively loving his girlfriend. This is the part of love that becomes action–oriented. However, it should absolutely be emotionally driven: the sacrifice of putting aside something you want because you want to be more loving is absolutely what love is all about.

Third, true love is not temporary. It is not a state of being: it is a constant. Feelings will come and go, but the fact of the matter is they don’t have to. In the event that they are AWOL, commitment and friendship are what stabilizes the horizontal relationship. However, it naturally follows that in dry times, we are loving ourselves more than the other person or the relationship as a whole, and this is a sin which the Christian must confess not only to his/her significant other, but also to God. Love, after all, does not fail (1 Corinthians 13:4–8). We must keep in mind that our love is imperfect because we are imperfect, selfish human beings. Yet Christians should constantly be making themselves pliable and willing to change – to better reflect the love our God has for us upon the relationships we maintain here on earth. Just as we should strive to be like Christ in our lifestyles, we should also strive to love as Christ did in all of our relationships: friendships, dating relations, marriage relations, and our enemies.

Finally, as stated previously, love does not equate to sex. Hollywood couples and all major blockbusters contradict that statement, promoting the 80’s mindset of “if it feels right, do it”. This is a prime example of why I write this essay: your feelings are a guide, absolutely, but they are a compass while commitment is a GPS. If your goal is to get in someone’s pants by the third or fourth date and maybe, possibly, hopefully have a lasting relationship with them thereafter, you do not love that individual and you certainly aren’t trying. You will lose your way very, very fast following that compass because the person you love is yourself. You love the feelings you have for that person. Sex naturally creates attachment between individuals, a significant bond that can unite two people if used correctly, and with that comes strong, strong feelings for one another. This emotional attachment is not love, but within the loving relationship it is a powerful, powerful uniting force. However, this is not an excuse for the couple to jump in bed together. Sex before marriage is like opening your presents before Christmas. What’s left to enjoy once the main attraction is gone? Just from a logical standpoint, consider this momentarily: most people agree that you never forget your first sexual encounter. When you finally find that someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, how incredible would it be to have intimate memories with only that person? If you sleep with every person you date, the powerful uniting force that comes with sex gradually goes away until it is just another pastime, and it should never be treated as such. “Experience” is not essential and you aren’t missing out on anything by waiting. Sex is a beautiful gift from God to be enjoyed in the marriage bed. “For this cause, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall join with his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) The institution of marriage was established at the beginning of time, and there is no room in this verse for “trying things” beforehand. In sum, dating does NOT have to include sex, yet it can still be intimate in other non–physical ways. Waiting to have sex until the appropriate time is a sign of commitment and an act of love – not only towards your significant other, but also towards the Scripture. Waiting is not only smart, it’s also rewarding.

So on the table we now have the things that love is not, but the question still remains, what is the definition of love? As I said, I don’t have all the answers. The Bible only defines what love should look like, not what it is in essence. However, through studying the Word of God, observing the relationships I see around me and learning from the ones of which I’ve been a part, discussing this topic with believers and non–believers alike, and intensely reading Pastor John Piper’s book Desiring God, the working definition I have come up with for love is as follows: love is necessarily seeking joy in the joy of others. That’s still slightly ambiguous, but I think it can be considered an umbrella statement, because every defining aspect of the see–saw will fall under it. As you read on and let the idea sink in, I think it will begin to make very clear sense. But keep in mind that you don’t have to accept it: I’m not trying to persuade you to share my view. My definition is not absolute and it is subject to revision.

Love is necessarily seeking joy in the joy of others. As previously stated, true love cannot be selfish or self–serving. However, contrary to many Christian doctrines and secular schools of thought, it is also not self–denying. The vast majority of people in the world today will agree that love is about the other person first, but what many fail to recognize is that prioritizing the other person’s needs does not mean disregarding your own. It merely means putting yours as secondary to theirs. From a Christian standpoint, the Bible presents what Pastor John Piper calls a “Christian–hedonistic” love in Desiring God – that is, a love motivated by desire: desire for the other person! The Bible does not teach us to deny ourselves in relationships: it teaches us to embrace our feelings and desires for the sake of giving them to our significant other. A “love” that is based exclusively on commitment is dead because there is no room for desire in the heart of relationship. To the Christian, love should be the outpouring of joy in Jesus Christ that gladly meets the needs of others.

In a universal tense, love is necessarily obtaining joy from the joy of others. BUT joy does not always equal “fun” or “happiness”. For example, it is not “fun” to confront someone you love who is sinning, but it is for the purpose of restoration and joy in the Lord. It is not “fun” to lose a loved one, but we can still be joyful in our grief because joy is a happiness that transcends conventional happiness. It is a deep–seated type of happiness, rooted in hope and faith. Hope in Christ is not a fingers–crossed–I’m–really–hoping–it–happens kind of hope. It is a hope that is absolute certainty. As a Christian, you can – and should – be joyful in suffering because joy and hope translate as a dual entity! And along with them naturally comes love for one another. I apologize in advance for stepping on any toes, but I submit the following statement as absolute fact: anyone who does not have saving faith in Jesus Christ cannot know the full capacity of joy, love, or the hope coupled to them. But, through faith by grace, you can.

Love is necessarily seeking joy in the joy of others. Let me take you to some Scriptures that I feel shed light on how love should be exercised, not only in the romantic relationship, but also amongst friends, family, and enemies. Romans 12 is a chapter of the Bible devoted to practical, spiritual living, and verses 9 through 21 deal with love in action. “(9) Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what things are evil and cling to those that are good. (10) Behave kindly in affection to one another, liberally exercising brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another… (12) rejoicing in hope, patient in suffering, praying at every opportunity, giving according to the needs of the saints, always exercising hospitality.” The entire passage speaks about what a Christian’s lifestyle should look like, but I think these verses in particular capture the image of a loving heart. Let’s mesh these verses with the classic “love chapter”, 1 Corinthians 13. The following description of love comes straight out of a discussion of spiritual gifts because the Corinthian church was wasting their time arguing over which gifts were divinely given and which were better than others. What they were really missing was love, which surpasses all gifts. The following are verses 4 through 8: “(4) Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy or act rashly and it is not prideful, (5) it does not behave itself in an ill–becoming manner, it does not serve itself, it is not easily provoked, it presumes no evil in another, (6) it never rejoices in wrongdoing, but in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes in all things, endures all things. (8) Love never fails, but where prophecies are spoken, they will eventually fail. Where various tongues are uttered, they shall be silenced. Where there is knowledge, it will gradually fade away.” When we study these two passages of Scripture in tandem, we can get an accurate picture of what our love should look like. Verse 8 of 1 Corinthians was heart–piercing to a church in the first century that had lost track of things of value, and it remains such today. As Christians, we so often get caught up in the unimportant things of life when everything boils down to simply loving one another. That is why the greatest commandment is such: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength: this is the greatest commandment. The second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:28–34)

“I know your practices, that you are neither hot nor cold, but I would rather you be one or the other. Because you are lukewarm, neither cold nor hot, I will spit you out of my mouth. Because you say, ‘I am rich and blessed with things and don’t need anything more’, yet do not realize how wretched you are – miserable, poor, blind, and naked – I counsel you to buy from me gold tempered in the fire, that you may truly be rich; pure robes that you may be clothed and unashamed by your nakedness; and anoint your eyes with salve that you can truly see. I chastise and discipline those I love. Be zealous and repent. Behold, I am standing at the door and knocking: if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will enter and we will dine together. To the one who overcomes, I will grant a seat with me beside my throne, even as I overcame and have been seated with my Father beside His throne.” (Revelation 4:15–22) As previously stated, marriage is a picture of the church’s relationship with Jesus Christ, whom the Scriptures call The Bridegroom. As believers, the preceding passage of Scripture should strike a healthy fear of God’s judgment in our hearts, not just in a personal sense, but also because we so often fall under this description in our relationships. If our marriage relationships are a reflection of our relationship with Jesus Christ, then we should apply Revelation 4 to our love for one another as well as our love for God. We should be passionate about loving our significant others and not “grow weary in well–doing” (Galatians 6:9). We should not be loving halfheartedly. As a matter of fact, we can’t love halfheartedly: there’s no such thing. We can only love with our whole hearts or not at all. When we fail to love others, we are choosing to love ourselves, and that is utter selfishness. By loving ourselves when we should be loving our spouse or our relationship, we become lukewarm. That is the state of being – merely existing, not actively living – that God hates with a passion.

How can we avoid becoming lukewarm in love? Pastor Piper writes these words in Desiring God [paraphrase]: “The nature of genuine love [to the Christian] can be seen in three things. First, it is a work of divine grace; second, God’s grace fills lovers with joy – their abundance of joy even in extreme poverty will overflow a wealth of generosity; third, joy in God’s grace will cause a desire [in us] to sacrifice selflessly in order to meet the needs of others.” From this statement, we can devise three defining factors of true love, which can be considered almost as a checklist or a self–evaluation to avoid falling into a routine–oriented, halfhearted type of love: 1) love delights to cause and contemplate joy in others, 2) love is not easily pleased, and 3) love suffers for the sake of joy. Let’s discuss each individually.

First, inspiring joy in others. I can’t speak for anyone else, but it brings no greater thrill to my heart than to do or say something that paints a beautiful smile on my girlfriend’s face. Not because it makes me feel good about myself (although I do consider it a privilege to do something worthy of a smile), but because I know how happy she is for it. Some people like to call it “spontaneous acts of kindness”, a method of showing appreciation. I like to call it an enjoyable obligation. I wouldn’t call it routine because that implies a mindless habit, but it should absolutely be a regular, recurring thing. Of course, as previously discussed, joy is not always played out as happiness, but happiness can express deeper joy. Happiness is something to cultivate. As Christians, our happiness is first and foremost found in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and second in our spouse. God gives us relationships for growth, for enjoyment, and for glorifying Him. It is our responsibility to be constantly seeking to inspire joy in the ones we love because that brings glory to God, our Father.

Second, tying directly into the first factor, love is not easily pleased. On the surface, this statement seems contradictory to “love doctrine”. It seems like a selfish thing to say, and clearly love is not selfish. But, as stated, it is also not self–denying. Not being easily pleased in love looks like this: you can’t say enough good things or do enough good things for your significant other, but you love doing and saying those things because it makes both of you happy, so you keep on doing them and doing them. Not being easily pleased in love is going the extra mile or two just to please your significant other. Not being easily pleased in love means promoting your significant other’s wants and needs over your own, not because it’s the right thing to do, but because you desperately desire for that person to be as happy and joyful as they possibly can. Love is necessarily seeking joy in the joy of others. Love is a constant quest: we should never reach the point where we think we have fully attained it. We can always be more joyful, we can always keep moving forward.

Thirdly, love suffers for the sake of joy. Pastor John Piper puts it this way: “Love is costly. It always involves some kind of self–denial.* It often demands suffering. But Christian Hedonism insists that the gain outweighs the pain. It affirms that there are rare and wonderful species of joy that flourish only in the rainy atmosphere of suffering. ‘The soul would have no rainbow if the eye had no tears’.” (pp. 129, 130) Ultimate joy in love will necessarily require sacrifice and suffering. The night is long, but the day is longer. Instead of being miserable in suffering, we should consider it a joy and privilege to give ourselves for a cause, for someone we love. And the most comforting fact is that we don’t do it alone: “What we need to know, however, is that God owns the darkness as well as the light, and that God is present in the night as well as in the day. …No aspect of human experience is without God’s presence.” (Maxie Dunnam, Irresistible Invitation) God never pushes us into suffering; He follows us into it. Without Him, we could not endure. For the sake of love, we should embrace times of suffering in order to be stronger in the morning. “Recall the former days when, after you were enlightened, you endured a hard struggle with sufferings, sometimes being publicly exposed to reproach and affliction, and sometimes being partners with those so treated. For you had compassion on those in prison, and you joyfully accepted the plundering of your property, since you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one. Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has great reward.” (Hebrews 10:32–35) As Christians, does our love for others reflect this passage? Do we joyfully continue on when everything is crashing down around us? Is there an overwhelming desire in our hearts to reflect Christ in every facet of our lives? Can we honestly say that we give our whole hearts in love for our relationships? Do we love our relationships as much as we love ourselves?

Let’s draw together what we have on the table. Because love is necessarily seeking joy in the joy of others, it absolutely requires a balance of commitment/action and feeling/emotion. The commitment is the skeleton of love, and the feelings are the compelling beat of the heart. They are the blood pumping in the veins. Love cannot truly exist if either factor is absent: without the skeleton, love collapses in on itself. Without the heart and blood, the skeleton has no motivation or means of locomotion and merely rots. When you lack commitment and sacrifice, your “love” is nothing more than whimsical infatuation which will die as suddenly as it blossomed. If you find yourself stuck in a commitment for which you no longer feel any type of desire, your “love” is dead and you are merely existing. We should love in spite of what we feel and because of what we feel; if we do not feel like loving, then we should do the right thing as required by our commitment, but in order to do the act in love, we need to seek to change our attitude to one of joy. The end does not justify the means: we tend to exercise a “just get it done” mentality when we don’t feel like loving, but we should stop to consider how much better the sacrifice could be if we gave our whole heart. In fact, a sacrifice given willingly with the whole heart is not much of a sacrifice at all – it becomes a privilege! However, a habitual lack of enthusiasm speaks of the condition of the heart, and you cannot truly love sacrificially without having a genuine commitment. Jesus gave His disciples the following commandment at the Last Supper, the night before His ministry on earth would end: “I give you a new commandment: love each other as I have loved you [and will continue to love you]. If you truly love one another, all men will recognize that you are my disciples.” (John 13:34, 35) Jesus’ life on earth was the mold, the example for us to follow: “This is how we can understand the love of God: because Christ willingly laid down His life for us. Therefore, we should lay down our own lives for others. How can the love of God exist in one who claims goodness in the world yet shuts up the compassion in his heart from reaching a brother in need? My children, let us not love in word alone, not by tongue, but by deed and in truth… We have known and believed the love that God gives to us, that we may be courageous in the days of trial, because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love: perfect love casts out all fear, because fear torments. He who fears is nowhere near complete in his love. We love Him because He first loved us.” (1 John 3:16–18; 4:16–21) Sacrificing for the other person even though you don’t feel like it is not an immediate failure: it is motivated by a desire for the good that will be achieved through the loving act, knowledge of prior good times, and foundational commitment to the individual. However, loving to the fullest potential is being willing to sacrifice in order to bring joy to the one you love. When we love because of what we feel, we are seeking joy in another’s joy.

A few last thoughts before I conclude.

I submit that relationships fail for two reasons alone: simply outright selfishness, and/or because one individual has stopped giving. The guy who cheats is not justified because he’s not happy in his relationship; the girl who seeks comfort in another man is not justified because her lover has become indifferent to her needs. Unfortunately, we are sinful people, so without question our failures will creep in and affect our relationships. And that is why it is essential to practice willful forgiveness. Love never fails in that regard or any. Holding your significant other’s failures against them plants a seed of bitterness that will undermine everything you’ve worked on together. What we as Christians must absolutely remember is that, despite our inconsistencies, the Lord will never cut us off from His unfailing love or help. Our love for others, in turn, should not be conditional. Therefore, regardless of how badly your wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend has hurt you or continues to hurt you, you must forgive the way Jesus did if you truly love them. “When they had reached the place called Calvary, the place of the skull, they crucified him between the two robbers. Then Jesus said: ‘Father, forgive them; they don’t understand what they are doing.’ And they divided his clothing and threw dice for them.” (Luke 23:33, 34) The great Psalmist, King David, inscribed the following words in a time of tremendous pain and need: “You, Lord, are good and ready to forgive, richly generous in mercy for all those who call upon You.” (Psalm 86:5) Jesus Christ exemplified love on earth, the love His Father shows us unceasingly. God is love (1 John 4:7–21). We have our role model and our source of strength. There is no excuse for not forgiving, just as there is no excuse for Christians who keep enemies or resign themselves with “going through the motions”.

So the question remains, what do we do when our romantic and intimate relationships become heavy and dragging? Is the weariness justification for leaving, or is it our responsibility to stand firm and revive the ol’ fires of passion? Well, that depends on where your heart is and the level of commitment you have in your relationship. I for one don’t believe in “taking breaks”. I believe that a relationship should operate like a machine where the individuals involved are irreplaceable, essential components. Tough times should not be an excuse for separation: they should be an excuse to work harder together, sharpening iron with iron (Prov. 27:17), because a strong relationship is dependent upon willing sacrifice and heart–felt desire for the significant other. Now, as far as a rocky marriage is concerned, “breaks” are inexcusable – unless there is a mutual agreement to separate briefly for the sake of prayer and fasting for the purpose of restoration, there is no reason for the husband and wife to separate. Christ never leaves His bride, the church, and a successful marriage relationship will reflect that constantly.

Many people pose the following question: How do I know if she’s/he’s “the one”? The answer is this: YOU DECIDE. I don’t believe in love at first sight, and I don’t believe that there is one specific person out there for everyone. Christian: if you truly like the individual with whom you’re in a relationship, if he or she is a believer and at relatively the same level of faith as you, if there is no legitimate authority over you telling you no, if your relationship brings glory to God, if you love him or her, if there are no glaring reasons throwing themselves in your face why he or she shouldn’t be “the one”, then YOU DECIDE. If you’re waiting for a sign from heaven, you’re most likely not going to get one. As Christians, we have choices to make every day – to be obedient to God or to sin. However, if we are faced with two decisions and the outcome of either choice will honor and glorify God, then there is no wrong option to take. There’s a good choice and a better one, and it’s completely up to you to decide. Consider each option prayerfully, of course, but don’t miss out on a tremendous blessing just because you fear making a mistake. Spoiler alert: mistakes will be made, but love will cover them.

In closing, I will address the following to those skeptical individuals who have labored through reading this entire essay: I hope this discussion of Christian love has piqued your interest, and possibly even stirred up a longing for genuine intimacy. I believe with my whole heart that anyone who does not have saving faith in Jesus Christ will merely have a stunted version of love because he or she lacks the vertical relationship with God to bring meaning to life and to spark the horizontal relationships with men. All that remains is shaky commitment, good intentions, and selfishness. Genuine intimacy only begins with a life–changing relationship with God, through Christ Jesus, and spills over into our love for each other [1 Corinthians 15:12–22; 57, 58; Psalm 34:8–10; Ephesians 3:14–21]. Christian love is far from perfect, but it sets itself apart from every other philosophy of love in the world because it strives to be perfect by reflecting the glory of God and His love for us. Yes, Christians are hypocrites and we always will be: we claim a holiness that we did not earn, and our actions often fail to reflect the calling we follow. But the fact of the matter is that we are forgiven through God’s grace, and that alone is what makes us new and holy in His eyes. The blood of Jesus Christ has unmatched cleansing power and it covers a multitude of sins. It is our responsibility now, as believers, to be like Christ – to live like Him, and to love like Him – so that the world will see and believe. Our image problem in the 21st Century church is a major detriment to the sharing of the gospel, and the deepest root of that problem is the fact that we do not love the way we should. It’s time to clean ourselves up because reform is long overdue. It should start in our relationships with one another.

My see–saw is far from balanced, but I am constantly learning. I don’t have all the answers or all the experience. Head knowledge doesn’t equate to wisdom in action, but understanding what love should look like is invaluable, and that is why I have written this essay and studied this topic. In my current relationship, I have committed myself to never try: I have committed myself to letting God work through me, and not the other way around – because when I try, I will always fail. But God never fails, and neither does love.

END

*Piper uses the term self–denial in his book in such a way to indicate a putting off of personal desires in favor of another’s. I am not attempting to contradict that statement by saying that love does not necessarily include self–denial. It does in the sense that you are required to esteem others’ needs greater than your own, but not in the sense that you deny your own heart’s desires in favor of an exclusively action–based “love”.