Sony releases new stupid piece of shit.

From the mordant news archives.

Reporter: Robert Kingett.

Today in the vast tech world millions of people are lining up to buy Sony's stupid piece of shit that does not do the goddamn thing it is fucking supposed to.

This new device is being called the biggest fucking waste of your hard-earned money to come along in years.

Sony's new stupid box thing hit the shelves in almost 7,000,000 overpriced stores and crowded shopping malls today at about 6 AM in the morning. Customers, lined up ass to ass, had millions of comments to say about this new stupid piece of shit.

“It’s got like a lot more gigabytes and stuff that I normally have on all the other stuff that can do more. It is smaller too, even though its games blow ass. I'm still going to get it! I can't wait to be up all night trying to make it work!”

Luckily I got a test run of the new piece of shit and I have to say, I was very impressed. If you can somehow tear your way through the impossible fucking packaging, this stupid piece of shit offers over a billion fucking useless and irritating features that slow down the piece of shit. Some of the functions include random fucking flashing letters and numbers on it's display screen, and not doing What the fuck it's supposed to be doing, and being god damned ass backward as fuck with massive upside down menus and shiny menus that look all 3D. When I asked why they made this stupid piece of shit, Sony's spokesperson Allen Compton gave me an expected answer.

“Our goal is to please our customers, and so we listened to them after about two emails, took notes of the billions upon billions upon billions of features they wanted, and then we honked out this incredible stupid piece of shit. We wanted to make people scream, ‘I want to kill my self! Smite me all mighty smiter!’ and it looks like we accomplished that goal.

Anyone who likes flying 3D menus and or objects will have endless hours of fun just getting a headache over the menus and the massive confusing as hell interactive Chinese help system, a huge maze of indecipherable useless fucking topics.

“We want to hear people screaming one thing. Work. Work you stupid piece of shit! That's our main goal. We want to see people go ‘why can't you work well like a normal machine.’ that's our greatest pleasure.”

With a 100,000,000-dollar campaign to market the stupid piece of shit, annoying Brittany Spears like posters are being plastered up everywhere in sight. Sony is expecting it to be the next fucking thing you absolutely have to fucking buy in order to be cool, get a job, and not look like some homeless person shacking up with a dumpster somewhere.

The fucking piece of shit is available in stores right now, so go grab it and see if you can't get your friends over to get a migraine too. This stupid piece of shit is worth getting. So pick one up at the nearest store near you!