A comprehensive essay on my friend Collin’s hair and how it can be used as a weapon

By: SabakuNoStupid

In our current day and age, men are typically expected to have short hair that doesn’t even cover their entire neck. Why is this? Because any longer, and it could be used as a potentially lethal weapon. Take my friend Collin for instance. His hair goes down to the middle of his back and could easily be used to topple the government of our great city.

The first, and most obvious, use for long hair is disguise. In addition to his long hair, he has a thin non-muscular frame. It would be most simple for him to pretend to be a girl. Everyone knows that girls lack the instinct to use long hair as a weapon, which is why they are culturally permitted to have it. Because of that, no one would suspect him for plotting to murder the mayor until it was too late. Plus, he could get a job as the mayor’s beautiful secretary and thusly have access to his office.

Then, when he’s alone with the mayor, he can attack. Hair is stronger than steel cable of the same thickness. Therefore, the tougher-than-metal hair would be perfect for strangling any politician. The mayor would not be able to get free of Collin’s grip, as my friend is skinny and their for difficult to hit.

Assuming that the mayor did manage to get free, Collin can still fight. If he spun around like a ballerina, the hair would fan out and make an impenetrable shield around his body. When the mayor tired from fighting, Collin can go back and make the kill.

So, as you can see, Collin’s long hair is very, very dangerous. But don’t make him cut it off because it’s really pretty, and I’m already expecting him to jump me.

Thank you for your time, and I hope I’ve made you more aware.

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A/N: Well, I was sitting next to my best friend in English class in a computer lab, and I was just like "Give me a topic to write about" and she said "How Collin's hair is a weapon." And so I pumped out this puppy in about fifteen minutes. My friends thought it was funny, so I decided to put it here :3