JAM

I always hated my life, this life of misery, worthless and unloved. I was only eighteen when my wish finally came true. I was still in high school, my last grade and my last life-line. I had friends sobbing over me on my body; I had my family visiting me in the hospital room. Where I lay limp, I remembered it, that I hated it, my life in reality. Thank god, I got hit by that car, not just any car. It was the car that was owned by my first love. That right…a boy…a boy that moved when we were young and came back entirely changed. He’s no longer my crush just a memory, a memory that I hated very much. He had broken my heart, ignored me, and made a fool of me. Now finally I felt nothing, no more pain, no more crying just free, free from harm that is… but why do I still remember? The faces I use to know, the memories of my childhood flow past me like gust. Believe or not, I’m dead…I just not totally dead and this tombstone of my cousin and my sister. I felt like that I still alive because I couldn’t see them, I couldn’t meet up with them, why…why is that?

“Because you haven’t past the border, Miss Lee,”

My eyes were immediately fixed on this gorgeous creature; he was pale that had this uncontrollably calm behavior in him also it was like I have fallen in love once again.

“Who are you?” I spoke cautionary.

“The name’s Lucas. Just Lucas, I guess.”

I begun to study his gesture, his body tone, which unbelievably he had was a smooth shapelessly look of a figure. “I’m guessing your name’s Jayne, right?” I looked away feeling annoyed. “I’m sorry I know you hated that name very much.” He said smoothing.

I looked up realizing what he said. “You…have been watching over me?”

“Of course,” He smiled. “I’m your angel.”

This guy is my angel?!

“I know it shocking but god sent me to protect you until you’re ready.”

God sent him? Why? For all my life, I despise god, I hated him…he stolen the lives of my relatives, played us as we were toys until we were broken…god…god did all this, I know it!

“Ready for what…?” I sounded so angry.

“To see the light,”

I felt so speechless, so weak to say anything. My mind blown across my memories and memorized my words that says: ‘I wished I died.’ God or not, I didn’t believe in him, my cousin had so many chances to live until unspeakable chance taken the life of my sister as well. I hated god, I hated everyone, and the one I truly hated was me.

“Do you also want to see the light, Jayne?”

This angelic creature stood close to me, waiting patiently until I said something so I said.

“No,” He looked surprised as I watched him flinch.

“Why not…?”

“Because I don’t want too, I never intended to see you’re no good god of yours! He has taken the lives of the good! And leaves the rest for the bad! He had done nothing when others worship him! He’s nothing but a low-life…!”

“Shut it!”

Oh good, I made him angry. The next thing I knew, I ignored him and I completely repel him from my side as I walked down a familiar street of my hometown. The brunette angel left me like everyone else did. I continued my meaningless journey to my house that wasn’t a house at all. It was my home, a restaurant combined with living quarters upstairs. Realizing the restaurant was closed, I expected that the family was crying over my little ‘incident’ with the car. I stand corrected. My grandparents, my aunt, my uncle, my other uncle sitting at his lonely corner and my mom tears in all on the ground, pounding the floor hard that her knuckles redden only to be held back of my oldest cousin that treated me like a little sister to him. Maxwell held her, screaming at her that I was still un-conscious which means I still have a chance of revival, if I wanted too that is. It been two days I’m hanging around the spiritual realm, I so called it; a place that only exist for ghosts or spirits like us. I met up with many kinds of spirits that wander around the realm. Some were disfigured, some just depressed, and some were merely lost in life. For I as an example was one of the few spirits that has a body waiting for me to return but I didn’t wanted too, I hated life so why should I? I been tensed, I been ignored, I been fooled, I been abused…what more can I not ask for?

Lucas, my typical guardian angel came back for me, where I was by my first lover’s house.

“You miss him don’t you?”

I sneered, “I don’t. I just hate him.”

“But you loved him, didn’t you?” I began to grit my teeth.

“What the hell do you know?” This angel looked appealing the moment he smiled.

“I just do.”

“You’re a stalker aren’t you?” He was quiet. Too quiet that I actually admired him, being a girl that I am. I let my emotions fight over my mind. Whenever I said no, my emotions play in another route. The moment, he touched my shoulder; I gave him a stare that his face still set the same. He was one of the rare boys to stand so close to me and letting him touching me even on the shoulder felt weird. “Well…?” I began to speak up. He lost focus to my glaze and studied my serious eyes. “Are you a stalker or not?” Yes, I know that was probably stupidest respond I ever gave to a boy but the silence was too much.

“Maybe…” He said with quite largest smile, I ever seen.

That moment, I felt that I was alive again, or I’m just following into the light that I can’t see yet.

I would remember the first time, that Brad held my hand and danced until the night grew old and I went home crying. Knowing that was the last moment, I felt loved. The next morning, I wrote and drew many things to get rid of Brad out of my head. I was broken and nobody noticed it. There were barely enough love and affection at home since work and money was always in their minds. My friends moved on to their own lives with their dates and I was left alone. I begun to realize, I hated love, I hated being isolated, I hated being me, I even hated life. I have attempted and thought about suicide. Ways of drugging, jumping off of something, cuttings my limbs off, burn myself or drown myself, that when I realized. My mind was just playing me, I didn’t hated love…I just wanted it, that all. I wanted it so much that it actually causes me to break. I couldn’t find my true self because I knew that I wouldn’t find it at all.

Marcus, another victim that involved his emotions of my ‘long lasting sleep’, was in anger, despair and uncontrollable smashes a picture of me, him and Ann. The three of us with Ann’s idea we were represented as JAM because as a trio we were a group of cousins that understand each other. Seeing Marcus in the living room all alone, crawling into a ball on the couch. I was scared, I watched him study my sketches, my laptop that hasn’t been turn on since the moment I got hit, my figures and my dog whimpering by himself at the door in the morning expecting me to open the door for him. Marcus pick up my old poems and writings and finally lost it, and begun cry. I have written about my depression, my ideas about suicide and my view of life. Marcus finally knew why, I was so down and quiet, it was because I hidden my feelings of the truth. I am a lost soul and that is all.

The next thing I knew, he grabbed scissors opening it’s blades to his wrist. I suddenly shouted. ‘Stop…!’ But he couldn’t hear me, nor see or feel me grabbing on to his shoulders. ‘No…Marcus…you asshole…!’

I was lucky that Ann came to visit this month, she was excused from school because she couldn’t bear to stay in class and focus on school work with her closest cousin sleeping by the moment. Ann stopped Marcus from cutting himself, she yelled at him, snapping him back to reality. There I understood why Marcus and I always counted on Ann because she was our ultimate supporter. The youngest, the innocent one while the both of us went through a suicidal session.

“Marcus, don’t make it any harder that it is. Jayne will come to us, I know it.” Ann said as she embraced Marcus. “Please don’t be an idiot.” Marcus slowly nodded his head at her shoulder, still in tears and still crying.

With me being there, I felt weird, somewhat out of place. That right, I’m just a spirit, a gust of the cold standing there watching my two cousins cry on each other shoulders. So much for the JAM, the J is missing.