Chapter 12: Entering the castle-drawbridge

When I wake, I wonder about what has transpired. It seems so unreal. But I see the carcass of the crocodile, floating in the moat, nearly out of the garden now. It reminds me of the reality of it all.

I sigh heavily and suddenly feel Him beside me. He is still here with me. Although I am not so surprised by that anymore, I still feel relieved to know that I am not alone. He does not speak, but rises to His feet, helping me to mine. Putting His arm around me, we walk quietly to the front of the castle. The water in the moat is clean now, clear and sparkling, as though nothing had ever polluted it. It is hard to believe such a transformation could happen in such a short time. I marvel at the completeness of it all. In the waters, small koi dart about, filling the once foreboding moat with colorful life.

There is a drawbridge over the moat to the castle. The bridge is only half way down. Neither up nor down, it seems ambivalent, neither welcoming nor directly turning away those who seek entrance. We cannot cross. I know we could easily ford the moat; without the monsters guarding it, the moat is no longer a formidable obstacle. Yet, it seems clear that is not the way He desires to enter in.

“How do we cross this?” I wonder aloud, feeling tired and discouraged. Clearly the bridge is controlled from inside. I cannot see how to get around this.

He is undaunted though, His quiet assurance calming my anxiety. “The bridge is not a serious hindrance here, child. Do not be concerned. This only needs your invitation. Invite me in.”

A flood of relief washes over me! After all that I have fought through so recently, it seems almost unbelievable that this part can be so easy! For a brief moment I am tempted to question Him, but I do not want to risk losing the simplicity of this answer.

I turn to Him. “Please, Papa, come cross the bridge with me. Come into the castle, I want you here.” I quietly say, voicing the true desires of my heart.

Just behind me I hear a gentle creak of wood. I look and see that the bridge has fully lowered, allowing us accessing into the inner walls.

I stand just looking for a long time. I have wanted this for so long, but now it seems difficult. Excuses and distractions rise around me and I begin to wander away. I am not sure how long I wander, but I suddenly He is not at my side!

Panic rises for a moment, but soon I realize that I know where I am and I know the way back. The path back to Him is not difficult; the obstacles have already been dealt with. I rush back to Him. He is there, patiently waiting for me to find my way.

I look at the bridge again, “Must we do this?” I have to ask.

“You must decide,” He replies, “I will not force you here.”

This would be so much easier if He would press me, insist, if He would just make me! Even though I want this, taking that first step is difficult. He offers me His arm. Hesitantly, I entwine mine in His. He lets me take the first step.

The bridge is easy to cross; there are no obstacles, no monsters here. As we reach the other side, I am surprised. I had expected to enter into the castle directly, but as we cross the bridge and pass through the wall I see an open, barren court yard. The yard is eerily empty, it should be full of life. I do not know how I know this, but I am certain it should.

“Why is this so empty?” I ask Him, pausing to look over the stark expanse.

“You have not invited anyone here in a very long time.” He is right, I have been alone here, alone for as long as I can remember. “Do not fear, though, this is not an obstacle either.” He reassures.

The inner walls that define the court yard are built from stones, rising about ten feet high. The castle sits in the corner of the two back walls. It is unusual, though, in that the castle and the courtyard seem to be more diamond shaped than square, with both the front door of the castle and the bridge in the walls sitting in the front corner of the structures, rather than flat in a wall.

To the right and left of the castle door there are small pockets formed by one castle wall and the courtyard wall. Although they are empty, these seem like places that should be planted. I am once again struck with the fact that I can see no plant, no creature living here.

We walk across the courtyard to the front door of the castle. The door is tall and wide, carved from mahogany, but it is covered with dust and grime. Clearly the door has not been opened in a very long time, if ever.

“This is the door to the castle, to your heart. You have the key, you must open it.” He explains, stepping aside to allow me closer to the door. Implicit in His words is the truth that He will not force open the door, it must be by my act alone.

I push at the great door, but it remains shut tight. He says I should be able to open this, but I do not know where to begin.

Seeing my frustrated confusion He suggests, “Clean the door.” And He hands me a cloth.

I begin to clean away the dust. Carvings of vines begin to emerge and a beautiful stained glass light is revealed. But I can find no doorknob and no keyhole. Puzzled, I see too, the hinges for this door are on the inside. There is no way to open the door from the outside! This does not make sense!

I look around and see ‘needle’s eye’ entrance to the left side of the door. A narrow passage is cut into the front wall of the castle, just wide enough for a small person to squeeze through.

“There!” I exclaim excitedly.

“Yes,” He nods, “You must go in and open the door from the inside.” He pauses. “I will not enter through there.” I am disappointed; I had hoped this entrance would have been sufficient for Him. It is clear though that there is no arguing with His way of doing this.

I am uneasy leaving His side, but see no options. I wonder what I will find on the other side of the narrow entrance. What will be inside the castle? Are there monsters lying in wait for me there?

“Do not explore or wander. You will become lost.” He cautions.

Taking His warning to heart, I squeeze through the needles eye. The passage is very small and tight, I can barely force my way through. The rough stones scrape at me, touching me with a cold welcome. It feels like it takes a long time to squeeze through.

When I finally do make it through, I find it is dark inside the castle. My eyes take some time to adjust, so I wait, just outside of the tiny passage. At last I see well enough to take the few steps down the front passage and find the front door.

As it was on the outside, the door is thick with dirt on this side as well. Upon cleaning it, I find the door is locked in place with a huge black metal bolt across the whole door. The bolt is anchored in a heavy metal latch that is bolted to the thick door frame. Clearly, this fortified structure was intended to keep out even the most determined visitors.

Curiously, I feel safe and secure behind this huge door, bolted into place. Even though He is on the other side of the door, I find I do not really want to open it. The sense of safety enfolds and comforts me here. Opening the door is surely a dangerous thing; that must be why the huge bolt is in place. Why do I really want to open it and take a chance on something coming in to hurt me? I just want to stop, rest, think about this whole thing.

Then, I begin to clean the dirt from the window and light, His light, pours through chasing away the shadows and clearing my thoughts. I must open it! I push at the bolt, trying to release it. The bolt does not move.

“How do I open it? What is the key?” I cry.

He begins to knock. The sound is steady and sure, resounding off the walls inside the castle. Each knock reverberates through me, reminding me of His presence. The knocking continues, building urgency within me.

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” I call loudly, becoming terrified that He will leave. “Don’t leave Papa, don’t leave!”

He continues to knock. Even as the sound reminds me that He is on the other side, it frightens me too. I am cold with the thought that it might stop and He will leave because the door did not open to Him. I must find the way to open this door! Desperation begins to set in.

I struggle to find the key to this lock. Then I remember, He taught me to subdue my flesh to see and hear more clearly. So I do what He taught me and slowly I begin to see.

I see myself as a very little girl, in my grandmother’s arms. My father comes up and angrily takes me from her. I see that he is angry, and although I know now what daddy’s anger was from, my perceptions then were very different. I see how the little girl feared daddy was angry because she was holding onto someone else.

“Daddy will be angry if I hold on to anyone else. Don’t let anyone else in!” I hear myself give voice to the vows of my heart. As I hear these long forgotten reactions, I begin to violently sob. "Don't let anyone in! Don't let anyone it!" I cry sinking to the floor, curling in on myself. "No one can come in!" The bitterness of this vow envelops me like a cold wind, biting at me trying to draw me away from the bolted door.

This it what holds the bolt in place! This is what locks the door and holds everyone else out. “I repent Papa! I repent of this decision! I invite you in now, please, come in. Forgive me! Forgive me for this that has kept You and anyone else out. Heal me and changes these structures. Please come in! I open my heart to You!”

A fresh flood of tears comes as I hear the steady knock of His hand. He has not left! He is still knocking! The sound gives me new strength.

Struggling, I rise to my feet, clutching at the door frame for support. I push once again against the stalwart lock and the bolt moves! It slides grudgingly, just enough for the door to open, but it is enough. I pull desperately at the heavy door, fighting to open it. The door is solid, thick wood, much heavier than I thought it would be. I am not sure if I can move this alone. What if I cannot get it open enough? What if what I am able to do is not enough? Finally the door gives way to my efforts, opening just a crack.

But it is enough. He rushes in, more quickly than I could have thought, pushing the door the rest of the way open, and sweeps me into His arms. Suddenly I am comforted by the incredible safety of His presence. He has not left! He is here with me now. He waited for me, did not abandon me. He is here!

For a long time, I sob in His arms. I cry in relief that He is here, inside this place with me. I sob at the pain of the vow I had made keeping Him out. I cry at the pain of my own sin that has kept me so alone.

As I calm a little, I am struck with the way He rushed in to me, to comfort me the moment the door opened. It is as though He was waiting anxiously on the other side, waiting for the moment the door came open, desperately wanting to come in. He is not a reluctant guest. I can see how much He truly wants to be here with me. I am amazed, but without words to speak.

He lifts me in His arms and takes a few steps. I can see there is a large, comfortable chair just beside the door. He sits down and draws me into His lap. We sit there, together, for a long time, my head resting on His shoulder.

“Thank you for coming here.” I finally whisper finding words to voice my overwhelming emotions. “Thank you for becoming Papa in this place as well.”

In reply, He kisses the top of my head. I do not remember ever feeling so securely loved by Him as I do in this moment. I close my eyes, relishing this moment in His arms.