In this World

I tried hard to get some form of work done, but my mind, no matter how I tried to stop it, my mind kept wondering to other things. I could almost hear the words of my heart ringing in my ears. This wasn’t how I had wished for it to turn out. I had never meant to drag it out for so long. The lies though, somehow they seemed to be alive. With one lie, I needed more. I was afraid now, to take all the lies back. I feared living a life where the lies did not exist.

When did it get so bad? When had the lies that I used to be able to control become so wild and free? When did they take over the life I had once been able to control so well? What happened to me?

As I sit here in the evening sun, I’m left to think in the silence of the ending day. I felt so much more alone then I usually did. It made me feel like doing something rash. I wanted to tell another lie. I wanted someone to feel bad. I wanted someone to feel the regret I did. I wanted, so badly I wanted them to understand. In this world though, people were not like that. People laughed after they had murdered someone. People did horrible, cruel things and felt no form of regret or sadness. They did not feel bad at all. This was the world in which I lived in and I hated it.

I should hate the evil beings that lived in this world, but instead I hated all people. I hated myself even more then that though. I was miserable and no one cared enough to try to understand or help. Everything was about the money and about their own lives. Another person’s sadness meant nothing to anyone else.

So no matter how I hated it, no matter how horrible it made me feel inside, I was left here alone. I would never get a savior; I would never be given any help. There would never be anyone to say it was ok. No one would ever say that I was forgiven, even without me having to tell them what I did. There would never be anyone to see through the lies and there would never be anyone who cared.

So many lies and they had all come to life. I was loosing sight of who I was, of who I am, and of who I used to be. Everything in my world was fading, becoming a lie. I was becoming lost in a forest of darkness with no light or sign of life to come. All the people that walked through this forest could not see me and they could not see the forest surrounding them. Some were lost just as I was and some were not lost at all, but in this world we did not exist to each other.

We could not see what was meant to be seen and we could not, would not help what needed help. In this world, everyone was happy but us. Those who were unhappy looked happy to us because it was the image we had wanted to see. We did not wish to the unhappiness in others, we only wanted to see it in ourselves. Yet we, who could never see the unhappiness in other people wanted people to see the unhappiness in us.

We wanted but we would give nothing in return. Humans are such selfish creatures. I could see it, why couldn’t they? Maybe they did and I was the one who was blind. Maybe they were all miserable like me and wanted to help those who were unhappy but did not know how. Was I in fact, the one who was blind or was it them? I tried to find a way to make my vision of the world justice, but all I could see before me, were things that made me believe in lies. I saw the world as one big lie, everything before me was based on lies and false creations.

Everything in this world was wrong, incorrect, and made up, just make believe. I hated it. The very existence of this world and everything in it made me sick. I wanted to make it burn, in a rush of fire, blood and pain. I wanted everyone and everything in this world to die away. I wanted the creators of the lies to die and fade away into the demons of hell. I wanted to die away in hell. I wanted to suffer for everything I had done wrong. I wanted to live in a world where everyone knew of my sins. I wanted to be hated and punished and hurt. I wanted to be seen.

I never realized until now, how evil my heart had become. When? When had this heart of mine grown of cold and dark? I could not think back through the lies to try and find the truth behind the darkness I had somehow created. I was such a horrible person. I deserved no pity in this world. I deserved nothing but death and an eternity in hell. That was all I deserved and weather I wanted it or not, I believed it was my fate. In my heart I wondered if this was what I truly wanted – an eternity in hell.

My images faded away and the misery of life set in further. I would fade away one day and with my death, all my lies would die away. I would finally be free and people who know of my truth. They would know who I really was. They would know the truth and they would finally understand. I deserved to be alone. I deserved my hell-receiving death. I deserved no happiness. I deserved all of this and pain and so much more. One day, they would see and I would be dead.

No, this is not writen about me. It was actually a character in a book I had recently read. A very sad story I'm afraid, but a wonderful book none the less.

The book was about a girl who feared everyone and everything and was afraid of herself so she lied and in tune lost herself. She lost herself to the lies and couldn't remember what was true and false. Good story, but very sad.