ShoeGirl

Spinoff crack to Cinderella. The BEST bedtime story everrrr.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Girl.

She was not by far the most fairest of maidens, and no way in Kingdom Come was she smart. Imagine! Without brains or looks, how can one survive in this beastly world? The answer was feet.

You see, Girl had the biggest feet in the entire Kingdom, and was renowned for the gargantuan appendages. For, how else can a shoemaker make shoes without knowing what the biggest possible size was? Anyone else that fell in the middle were given what ever scraps of cloth said shoemaker could find, telling the customers all they needed to do was stuff it with socks.

Girl's father was the owner of a hat store and he was extremely upset that it was not a big head his daughter was gifted with but big feet. So, he married a lady with a boulder sized cranium and had basketball-faced twin girls. Both were uggglyyy.

Girl's sisters were jealous twits because even though Girl was not beautiful she had a normal shaped head. Her feet…well they weren't important. They were to the shoemaker, and he paid her a hefty sum for her contribution. Twins got nothing since their father was cheap.

So one day, Wife Number Two took out an axe and chopped the man into pieces. No, scratch that, mincemeat. Afterwards, she threw the bits in a pot over an open fire, telling the girls it was a rabbit she had caught. Girl had asked for seconds.

With the father out of the way, Wife Widow Number Two took charge of the family, forcing Girl to clean the toilets and wash the dishes. Too bad Girl decided to save time and dumped the pile of dirty dishes into the toilet bowl.

For punishment, Girl was not allowed to attend the annual ball, which was where Prince Oh-So-Sexy would be looking for a "squeezetoy" this year. Girl cried her little heart out. This meant she wouldn't be able to eat at the buffet table, which she had dreamed of since she was LittleGirl.

Then out of the blue, when Girl was washing toilets, a puff of smoke, well, puffed out. Standing in front of the marble sink was the world's most beautiful Drag Queen.

"Uhuh, hello darling!"

Girl screamed, and hid behind the toilet bowl.

Drag Queen roughly dragged her out.

"Jeez, not even a hello back?"

"Who, what are you?" blurted Girl. Drag Queen just threw his head back and laughed. His poofy, frilly dress rose up a bit, showing lacy pink leggings underneath.

"Why, I'm your Fairy Ass Mumsie. Now get those socks out of those uggglyyy shoes you're wearing!" Girl stared at her feet and shook her head.

"I'm not wearing any socks." Fairy Ass Mumsie arched a brow and then clicked his tongue.

"Oh dear," he breathed. "How unfortunate…"

"Well, at least I've done my charity case..."

"Can you bring me to the ball?" begged Girl. "Please, oh please Fairy Ass Mummy."

"It's Mumsie, bitch." Said Drag Queen. "And yeah, sure, but you won't be seen…not in that." Girl just nodded eagerly. Drag Queen took out a back scratcher from underneath his dress and smacked it on Girl's head.

"Ow!"

"With this magik stick I bestow upon you blah blah dress and shoes blah TWELVE o' clock, not ONE , not TWO, TWELVE…yea." He stuck the stick back into the folds of his gown.

"Your name is now ShoeGirl. You'll be going to the ball, but not as a guest. No, dear you're gonna be Prince Oh-So-Sexy's foot model."

"What?" The fairy rolled his eyes.

"Jeez, are you as stupid as you're ugly? King Old and Wrinkly and Queen Was Once a Prostitute were planning on giving their son a "secret" birthday gift. The prince has been wearing those shoes (which are almost as ugly as yours, hey look a perfect match!) since he was Prince Not-So-Sexy." Fairy Ass Mumsie stared at ShoeGirl's feet.

"And his feet are about the same size as yours!"

ShoeGirl brought a finger to her chin, and pretended to think.

"Do I…am I still allowed to eat at the buffet table?" The Fairy blanched.

"Uh…yea sure babe."

"Then it's a deal!"

So, in a last minute attempt to groom ShoeGirl, Fairy Ass Mumsie took out a brush from within the folds of his dress and tried to comb his fairy daughter's hair. His brush broke in half.

"Ah…well you look splendid anyways!"

There were no pumpkins, no magical mice, nothing to guide ShoeGirl to the ball. This isn't Cinderella folks!

But, miraculously, like a hound dog, ShoeGirl found the castle by mere sense of smell. She smelled the roasted swans and glutton and her feet did the job. When she finally reached the ball, the guards took her in and sat her on a chair. They took off her shoes, and started laughing and whooping in joy after seeing her feet.

"It's a miracle!" They scream. "Thank you mysterious BigFootGirl!"

The Royal Shoemaker brought out a measuring tape and measured ShoeGirl's feet.

"Ten and a half! Ten and a half in men's!" ShoeGirl blushed heavily.

After that, the shoemaker started rummaging through his bag for pieces of royal cloth. He wrapped it around the girl's foot and started sewing. After like, a bajillion years, he was finally done, and proceeded with the second foot.

Suddenly, the doors burst open. Standing at the doorway was Prince Oh-So-Sexy himself, a plate of grilled steak at hand. He saw the size of ShoeGirl's feet and fell in love immediately. ShoeGirl saw him and fell in love too…

…but the steak was more desirable.

"Meat!"

Dazed, and surprisingly horny, the prince watched as his squeezetoy-to be gobbled up the steak, bone and all. In a matter of three seconds, the plate was empty, and ShoeGirl was jumping up and down.

"More!" she screamed. "Please, give me more!"

The prince got a nosebleed.

In the end, ShoeGirl and Prince Oh-So-Sexy got married. The Fairy Drag Queen set the old house on fire, watching as Widow Number Two and Twins burned into roast meat. He served it at his fairy daughter's wedding, which Prince Oh-So-Sexy had politely asked for seconds.

You might wonder what happened afterwards to ShoeGirl and comp. Did they have any kids? If so, were the kids' feet big?

The answer is no. ShoeGirl left the prince for the resident Cook. Because he had a steak.