|I Love Rant
Author: Bambi Queen of the Off-Black PM
A load of mockingly serious fuckery. I wouldn't read it. I use excessive language. Today: How Bambi discovered she was clinically a nutjob. Note: Until the inevitable day this is deleted, it will stay here, where it began, and will not be transferred to a blog. Like an annoying, unwanted, foul-mouthed donkey.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Chapters: 22 - Words: 38,116 - Reviews: 89 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 04-01-13 - Published: 09-29-09 - id: 2725865
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: Chuck Norris, please don't hire an assassin, but I think you're fucking lame.
CHUCK NORRIS IS LAME.
LAME, LAME, LAME, LAAAAAAME!
HE'S FUCKING LAME.
Is anyone but me sick of these god-forsaken Chuck Norris jokes? Hello? Am I really alone? (echo, echo, echo)
Need I remind everyone that Walker: Texas Ranger was one of the worst things to happen to television since… well… I didn't prepare a witty comparison. I usually have one, but I'm kind of at a loss here. We'll settle with Blue Lagoon. Walker: Texas Ranger was the worst thing to happen to entertainment since Blue Lagoon!
(On that note, just because Blue Lagoon was called a romance doesn't change the fact it was incest. The characters were still cousins! Plus, Brooke Shields? No. My friends and I have always had some weird funny daydream wherein we try to envision certain celebrities having weird-looking offspring, and I've always thought the funniest thing in the world would be Brooke Shields and Eugene Levy's lovechild. We'd call him, "America's Uni-brow.")
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I'm sick of these fucking Chuck Norris jokes! I used to play WoW (believe it or not, and I'm a bit ashamed to say it) and I saw the start of these jokes. I was there when the Earth stood still in awe of the World of Warcraft guild chat conversations. They consisted entirely of Chuck Norris jokes. I was there. I know. It's one of the worst internet fads in history.
Let me sum up how this all began: some idiot thought it'd be funny to idolize Chuck Norris. At first, it was pretty funny. It really was. Nobody had ever considered Chuck Norris as awesome. He did a few roundhouse kicks, he had a TV show, and he had a long list of bad movies to back up on. He was exceedingly lame. People were telling these jokes a lot, and they started to repeat themselves and people had to invent new ones. Then, the jokes got stupid. Then it got funny. Then people started telling them all the fucking time on World of Warcraft until the administrators got so sick of it that they had to ban the words "Chuck Norris" from the servers. Do you know what people did? They invented "Nuck Chorris" jokes instead.
On top of its affect on the WoW world, people in real life somehow got the idea in their brains that Chuck Norris was amazing. There are T-shirts consisting of Chuck Norris jokes. Because he fakes some awesome roundhouses and kills ninjas. Let me present these several points illustrating what I'm trying to say:
-Chuck Norris is not cool, his beard is unimpressive at best, cowboys have always been the gayest things on Earth even before Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger got funky in a tent, and pirates have been better than ninjas since fucking time began (have you EVER seen a ninja with a wench? Didn't fucking think so). That last one didn't have much to do with him, did it? But it's a fact. You can't deny it.
-Chuck Norris jokes are called jokes for a reason. This is because they don't want people to cotton on to the fact that Chuck Norris is lame. They're called jokes for a reason! They're not serious. They are jokes. Do you get it yet?
-Chuck Norris jokes are not funny.
-Chuck Norris jokes are not fucking funny.
-Chuck Norris jokes ARE NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
-Are you getting that Chuck Norris jokes aren't funny?
-Finally, if you think that cowboy cops are cool, you were not raised correctly. I'd request that you participate in five rounds of bare-knuckle boxing with your parents in order to sate my need for vengeance against you and your family for affecting this unfortunate circumstance. But I'm not commanding it. Everything is optional, of course.
Have we successfully illustrated that Chuck Norris is not cool? No? Then let me present even more facts.
For starters, I'm going to address the thoughts of the imaginary Chuck-Norris fans that I think are reading this. You're thinking, you're saying, you're wondering: this bitch is nuts! Look at that man! Look at that beard. It's utterly wonderful! You have to admire a man with that kind of facial hair. How could she say such cruel things? Chuck Norris didn't just do Walker: Texas Ranger! He did lots of things, and they may have been bad 80's movies but they were fucking SWEET. On top of that, statistics indicate that Chuck Norris is more popular than ever because of these jokes. He was awesome before, he's awesome now, and he's totally better than Steven Segal. All other action stars are just posers. How could that poser bitch Bambi Queen of the Off-Black say such terrible things about this awesome, wonderful, holy man? I mean, they even mentioned him in that Lemon Demon song, The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. He was that awesome. He killed everybody in that song.
Perhaps you imaginary Chuck-Norris lovers were thinking or saying or wondering something else. You were probably more eloquent about it than I was. Or perhaps yours involved more l33t than mine and was just a series of angry jerk mumbles. I don't really know because I wasn't listening, but allow me to address these concerns.
First off, I say these things because I hate Chuck Norris. I always have. I hate him for irrational reasons, and I get that. But this isn't about me, it's about Chuck Norris.
I get that you like him. You think he's cool. But there's a reason those movies of his were bad. It's because he sucks.
He will never be better than Steven Segal. This is because Steven Segal sucks and Chuck Norris simply sucks more. I can put this into algebraic terms if you want – Steven Segal is variable x, and Chuck Norris is y. X is equivalent to negative five, and Y is negative ten. We come up with the result that -5 (is greater than) -10. Not equal or greater than, just greater than. Segal's trademark is better any way. He snaps necks. Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicks people and punches them in the nuts. It's not funny or cool. Segal kills people by snapping their necks. Kirk gives them a neck-chop. Chuck Norris does shit with his feet and that makes it un-cool because wounds dealing with the neck tend to be more fatal, more cringe-inspiring, and infinitely more awesome. Are you satisfied, dimwits?
Thirdly, once again, I say these things because I have an intense irrational hatred for all things Chuck Norris. And don't call me a poser. Mr. Norris is not holy. Priests are holy. Cows are holy. Monkeys are holy. Unblemished lambs are holy. You want a Chuck Norris joke? Here's one for you: Chuck Norris is what Franz Kafka really called "Ungefiefer," but due to legal reasons he was forced to edit it out and settled for "Gregor Samsa." There's a damn Nuck Chorris joke for ya!
Fourthly, don't you dare try to pull that song out at me. Don't you dare bring up The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. Did you forget what happened at the end of that song? That's right. Chuck Norris got his ass handed to him in pieces by the combined, hell-raising efforts of Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, the Black Knight, Benito Mussolini, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Lo Pan, Superman, the Power Rangers, Bill S. Preston, Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doctor Octopus, and Hulk Hogan. They, and I quote, "out of nowhere came lightning fast and they kicked Chuck Norris in his Cowboy ass." Why did this happen? Because Chuck Norris is a gay ass Cowboy that isn't actually cool. Joke's on everyone else, he's actually really, really fuckin' lame. Furthermore, at the end of that song it was Mr. Rogers who ended up on top. This is because Mr. Rogers was a sniper in real life and Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris can only dream.
Once again, I must emphasize the point that I really don't like Chuck Norris. I hate him with irrational rage.
Unlike my Twilight rant which has sense developed negligible hate-base and fandom alike (I like to dream, okay?), I do not have a solid plan to solve this. I'm sure somebody would come up with a better counter plan if I did, anyway. The only way I can think of to eliminate Chuck Norris jokes would be to start my own internet fad. I'm sure other people have had similar ideas, but I don't think any of them were as angry about this as I am. I'm seriously pissed at these jokes! This is the last straw!
So I have done.
I now present to you: Chuck Norris FACTS. These aren't anti-Norris jokes, these are facts. I have taken famous Chuck Norris jokes and presented truth. I mixed a few anti-Norris jokes in there, though.
Chuck Norris doesn't cry. If he did, his tears would not cure cancer because that would be idiotic. They would make fans around the world claw at the wallpaper in despair because their idol of manliness has fallen.
Chuck Norris is always at a loss.
Chuck Norris' shit was probably always off.
Chuck Norris watches the 300, and cries at the manlier figures than he.
Chuck Norris tried to grow chest hair in an aged-man chest hair contest. He came in last place due to the affects of Tom Selleck, Pierce Brosnan, Alec Baldwin, and Sean Connery who, combined, are the epitome of manliness.
Chuck Norris was never James Bond in any movie. This makes him significantly lamer.
Chuck Norris took the "Virgin" off the "Virgin Islands." This is because hookers are recycled there when they die.
On the third day, god said "let there be light." It had nothing to do with Chuck Norris whatsoever. This is most likely because the Bible is the fiction of the deranged, and I promise you I will make Baby Jesus cry if you think Chuck Norris had something to do with the great invisible avenger creating light. Really, now, can't we be reasonable?
Chuck Norris runs in the face of danger.
Chuck Norris can't complete roundhouse kicks anymore. This is because he is old.
Chuck Norris' tears don't cure cancer, but his semen does. Too bad he's got AIDS.
Behind Chuck Norris' beard is a ball chin. Nothing more, nothing less.
Actually, Chuck Norris' semen doesn't cure cancer. Because that's fucking retarded.
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone, or two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris is a man and therefore, by the law of sexist jokes, cannot multitask.
Chuck Norris can't sneeze with his eyes open. I saw it in one of his movies. He closes his eyes like everybody else.
Chuck Norris is actually a human being, despite what certain Norris-fan websites would have you believe.
Chuck Norris is personally a nice man, but I for one will not make jokes about him.
So that plan didn't work out as well. It was a spur of the moment thing and wasn't actually funny, but you know what? I'm beyond funny. I'm just angry at these fucking jokes! They're overused and therefore not. Funny. Anymore.
That was my roar of despair. I worked hard on it.
If Chuck Norris ever happens to read those jokes, I'd like to let him know that I mean him no real offense. I just think you aren't a good actor. I have no disrespect for you, I just don't like you. And I don't think Chuck Norris jokes are funny.
I'm sure Chuck Norris finds Chuck Norris jokes funny. But I, for one, care less for them.
LET ME MAKE THIS FINALLY FUCKING CLEAR FOR YOU PUNY FUCKING BRAINS.
Once upon a dream, Chuck Norris jokes were funny. In some contexts, they still are. They have been weighed down by too much exposure. Too many people thought they were great to quote and shit. They. Are. Not. Funny. Any. More.
So that means the people I personally know? Who are reading this? Those folks? You know who you are. You're getting red in the face as you read this. You should be. This means that yes, YES, you do have to stop telling me those jokes. They're not funny anymore. They stopped being a part of our vernacular years ago, so stop it! Stop it right now. Stop it!
God, I'm so sick of these jokes.