A/N: this isn’t fan-fiction because I’m tearing this stuff to pieces. Coincidentally, I posted some of the points I brought up on my profile at everyone's favorite fanfiction site, but that really doesn’t matter because I boycotted that site. There only so many pre-pubescent, yaoi, badly-written fuck-fests that one can take, okay? I’ve made these points several times in the past few years, and despite the fact that this probably should’ve been posted on 4chan, I refuse to submit to the 4chan. The 4chan is the devil. So here it is: my rants, my reviews, and my total bullshitting on stuff.

Oh, and by the way. This really is just me ranting. It's not really a review because I verbally bash things too much. I hate these things so much they hurt my hair.

TWILIGHT: THE HEINOUS AND DERANGED

Warning: this book will steal your soul and sell it on eBay, and then it will probably Edward you to death. It will result in migraines for the intelluctually stable, and may result in substance abuse.

So maybe that intro was a bit dramatic. I’m not going to beat around the bush in this review, people. I’m not going to try and be kind and find nice things to say because there just aren’t any good things I have to say about this book series. Twilight was one of the most awful trends in existence and I now consider myself less of a human being for having read it.

But I don’t want to get everyone TOO angry as of yet. We’ll start with milder subjects. I’ll get to the plot and character development much later. It’s just that unimportant. Let’s first take a look at how Twilight has affected popular culture, shall we?

Note: I’d never actually recommend reading this book, but it might help you understand where exactly I’m coming from if you’ve at least read the synopsis on Wikipedia or something.

POPCULTURE

Twilight has utterly demolished our sacred values. We used to value sex and drugs and high-speed car chases. We used to have Fast and Furious Gods, we used to have Tarantino, and Diesel, and Rodriguez, and George Clooney, but in their place there is now the horrid teenage icon of Robert Fugly-son. Sorry, that’s a habit I’m trying to break myself of. Robert, you’re not really ugly. You’re just…very unappealing in the lead role of a movie.

Our teenagers are being stripped of their individuality. They can no longer think in terms of reality and real life. They have now become clones, special mindless drones. But they are clones in a manner that the school systems can only dream of! The government WISHES it had half of Twilight’s affect. Especially on the youth. We could’ve had an army of pre-teens go into Iraq and solve our problems if they thought the WMD’s were actually sparkly vampires. I think our Guantanamo Bay tortures should involve forty straight introductory hours of being in a straight jacket in a padded room, forced to watch Twilight. Followed by eighteen hours of Pokémon re-runs, and then we give them Dinobot toys to play with as a break. Feed them bread and water until they die. Every week, same amount of torture. They’d be begging for a lethal injection. I only have the highest hopes for the future of this country.

But we’re not here to discuss Twilight’s potential in politics! Those were just my wishes for the future. We’re here to discuss pop culture and how Twilight has utterly destroyed it.

First off, little girls masturbate to it now, and that is not healthy.

Secondly, it’s a fucking joke. It’s not even a good story anyway and the dialogue and descriptions remind me of my grandma in a very unpleasant way. Not to mention that Bella Swan is described exactly like a young version of the author. Way to be subtle, Stephenie Meyer, now I’m more sure than ever that this book is your fantasy.

Thirdly, women have become less sexually active now that they think there’s a sparkly vampire named Edward, who is a 107-year-old virgin, waiting for them on the other side of tomorrow. Men have become angry and sexually repressed at this. This has caused a great deal of frustration and, my hope is it will eventually lead to higher divorce rates. I’ll have an excuse to go into the law at that point. On the plus side, our economy will probably run entirely on strip clubs soon because of the lack of happy marriages. There’s always a plus side.

Fourthly, little girls masturbate to it. Did I mention that’s not healthy?

There are many reasons that Twilight is a bad, bad influence, but what exactly is its influence? And furthermore, what can we do to prevent this? Since I took a Debate class once, I am prepared with a lawful solution.

What we need to do is find something else for little girls to masturbate over. Instead of Edward Cullen, let’s introduce a new boy band. See, preteens did this with N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys. Now they’re doing it with Edward Cullen. They’re going nuts over this sparkly imaginary vampire and they’re thinking about him constantly; they’re ditching their hopeful, unattractive boyfriends in the hope that some sparkly bloodsucker is going to hallelujah them to Himmel. This. Is. Not. Cool.

So we find something else. We get a new boy band out there to sing about being a vampire and stuff and their tortured existence. We’ll rip off of Lestat de Lioncourt, but we’ll make it seem less gay. It’s either this or we make MCR more accessible to five year olds before they start to read Twilight. (What? They already have? Fuck!!!) Trust me, My Chemical Romance is the lesser of two evils.

On top of it? They got ugly people to play Plain Jane BellaBitch and Edward Fagulicious. Dick move, guys, dick move. I can’t look at Bella without thinking of the actress I’m not going to name who plays her. She played the little androgynous-haircut daughter in Panic Room next to Jodie Dykester, and Edward? I can’t look at his sparkly face without reminding myself that he played a better dead Cedric Diggory. Honestly, can’t these casting people pick up folks who know how to act? The movie was just a bucket of teenage angst and that was it. It was utterly terrible. On top of that, it forever tainted the songs that were part of its soundtrack for me. I now hate Muse and Collective Soul, with a passion that burns and eats away at my insides because it reminds me of that time I was forced to go to the movie theater and be subject to two and a half hours of virtual torture. Yucky!

Maybe that was a little rude of me. I take it back, I didn’t mean that. What I meant to say was The Twilight Affect on today’s world makes me want to go find a gun, and shoot myself in the fucking head! If that doesn’t kill me, if it wounds me and puts me in the hospital for the rest of my life, pull the God damned plug! Stab me while you’re at it, and rub lemon juice and salt in it! Then break a thermometer in it, too!!! What has happened to the world?! Has everybody lost their fucking minds??? Since when are we worshipping sparkly demons invented by Mormon moms??

Furthermore, Edward is not a vampire. Stephenie Meyer herself said she had never read a vampire novel before. Mrs. Meyer did not do her research. Just because the vampire is a fantasy creation does not mean it does not have mythology, and things that are not based off of mythology that are in published literature are pure fantasies. This fantasy just happens to be more retarding-ly screwed up and more full of plot holes than most of them. Twilight invented a new genre – it invented the genre of Preteens Read This Shit Because They’re Not Going Anywhere In Life.

Face it. If you seriously enjoyed this series and own a Twilight T-Shirt and have already bought tickets to the next Twilight movie, and maybe you even frequent a twilight fan site, then you are not going ANYWHERE IN LIFE. This is promise to you! And if you’re a man who happened to enjoy Twilight, I want you to reach down, grab your testicles, and throw them out the window! You just lost ball privileges, and you most likely won’t be using them soon anyway so it’s not a real loss.

Right-o, gents. Let’s try and think of something positive about Twilight’s affect on the modern world.

Hmm.

…

Wow.

…

I can’t think of anything, can you?

Oh wait! Teenage girls who were previously too stupid to read have now developed an interest in reading novels! Despite the fact that they aren’t good novels, at least they’re reading. That has to be positive, right? Wait a minute, this brings a Mark Twain quote to mind….that’s right! “The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.” Oh dear. Looks like the next generation is positively fucked, Susan.

PLOT

It’s shit. Don’t read it.

Fine, you want a fucking summary? Here you go:

Boy meets girl. Girls falls for boy. Boy thinks girl looks like tasty chicken. Boy is actually vampire, but girl doesn’t care. Boy is really angsty about his existence. Boy, for some reason, sparkles in sunlight instead of scarring or burning like porphyria victims usually do. Boy’s skin is like marble and his eyes are like topaz. The author spends a great deal of time describing him and abuses Adonis’ holy name. Girl is obsessed with boy and has a native American stalker. Shit happens, and other vampires come to eat girl but boy is like, “I’m going to bust a cap in your cracker ass,” with less ethnic language of course because boy is approximately 110 years old and is apparently a virgin. Boy saves girl. Girl winds up in hospital and her mother freaks but in the end does nothing because everybody has those days, everybody makes mistakes. Girl repeatedly throws herself at boy, and author makes allusions to weird and obscure novels.

Not to mention that there’s a new classical novel I hate in every novel that Stephenie Meyer uses for parallels to her books. Romeo & Juliet was one of these victims. Wuthering Heights was another. Romeo and Juliet was about two whiny pre-teens who stupidly committed suicide because of some delusion about forbidden love, due to the fact that their respective families loathed one another and frequently got into violent fights in public over petty differences. It was all political, really. So how does this relate to Twilight? Wuthering Heights was easily the worst book ever written, besides this one. IT was about two people in love who did not deserve each other, and they didn’t get each other. Their kids end up happy, though. And one of the undeserving lovers spent an abnormally large amount of time yelling, “Heathcliff! Heathcliff!” for some odd reason, and what did poor and destitute Heathcliff say in response to this? “Gee, I think I’m going to kidnap your daughter and marry her.” This didn’t make sense. The Bronte sisters need to burn in Hell for making such awful novels. I will write a full rant on their works later. They deserve an entire section, don't they?

So, remind me why it is, Mrs. Meyer, that you think Romeo & Juliet and Wuthering Heights relate to Twilight? Did either of them have sparkly incubi in them? Did any of them have radioactive babies that grew at alarming rates? No. No, no, no! Stop it! Stop making parallels to stories that have nothing to do with yours! We don’t care! Make it original! Stop it, stop it, stop it! This is a shot below our belts, Stephenie Meyer. A real fuckin’ kick in the nuts here.

There’s also the problem that whatever problem Bella is presented with in any of the four given books of the series, the Cullen’s seem to have the answer to it. They solve anything and everything. They’re like Clark Kent’s lost relatives from Krypton sans the laser vision. Deus ex machina, anyone?

CHARACTERS

I have to provide reasons for this part, and it may take awhile, okay? Look at it this way: the PLOT section was so short because the characters form the plot. It should be the other way, that the plot controls the characters, but the “villains” affect the plot. In your basic story, I mean. This is elementary stuff that Meyer skipped, as you can clearly see. The most Stephenie can afford in her climaxes are comic book level puns. Seriously. The villain vampire at the end (whose name was James and he was retarded for doing this) monologued for a page and a half about why he was doing the things he was doing and what his plans were and when and how. Question: why didn’t you just kill Bella when you had the chance? I would have. He probably didn’t because that would have been the logical course of action. Spock would weep blood over this. Just shoot me and stuff me already.

Bella: all I got from this book about her was that she liked Edward, and he was really pretty…and some other noise I can’t recall. I have a tendency to forget the things I hate. Her human reaction system was off. I would’ve ran away screaming. Plus, she’s so vain! But she wasn’t at the beginning. But she’s an attention whore. She’s supposed to be this Plain Jane and she magically has good tasting blood or something? You don’t become everybody’s instant friend when you move to a small town, despite how famous you were before. Son of a BITCH!

Plus, I don’t know about you people, but I have difficulty believing a helpless, immature child like Bella could manage to do several hours of homework, cook dinner, read her book for English completely, and then have time to eat the dinner and then check her email. And still manage to get a good night’s sleep. I’m sure on some planet this seems possible, Stephenie Meyer, but your weakness is that THIS IS EARTH.

That was plot hole numero uno. There are a lot of them. For instance, why did you feel pity towards Jacob? I would’ve gotten a restraining order. But you’re a masochistic little twitterpated twit and you just loooove parading yourself around in front of Jacob going “you can’t have me, you can’t have me, na na na na na na I’m a rich man nananananananana an---”

I got sidetracked there.

Yeah, anyway, Bella doesn’t make sense. Half of the shit she does isn’t physically possible. She also literally cannot be that mature. A human being’s brain matures by the age of twenty-four. That is when your brain no longer is in the development process. Usually. Unless you have some kind of birth defect. But Bella literally cannot make sense and cannot be respected by adults until she is that age, no matter how mature she acts towards her dad or “wise beyond her years” she seems. Her mom is her complete opposite. I could relate to Bella moving to Forks, but everything else she did? All of her idiotic, senseless decisions? Senseless judgments? Seriously. Wow. Just, wow. Mrs. Meyer needs a better editor. The plot doesn’t equate and it feels wrong. It feels…Bella’s character feels completely unreal. Feels very incomplete and hackney. And if you can just feel that instead of reading it, then I think I just saved you a migraine. You should be on the ground thanking me.

Edward: You’re a century-plus year old virgin. You don’t deserve to have a life or be pretty. It refutes the laws of karma and of physics. Plus, you’re perpetually going to be a teenager. It’s pathetic, it’s simply pathetic. You’re going to be stuck in High School your entire existence because you’re an angsty vegetarian, Catholic vampire. Furthermore, vampires are not sparkly. Buffy should’ve staked you! Fuck you and fuck your weird, incestuous family.

Renee: most plausible character but not as bad as Bella. I give everyone in this book less than a zero. It’s a negative three thousand, if you wanted to know, because “it’s the best thing since sliced bread.” I heard that on an online blog. It almost made me want to go on a diet of cabbage and waste away to nothing.

Carlisle & Esme: they were like two cold, sparkly zombies in possession of an outdated marriage license. If Edward hadn’t told the forty-something year old narrator (we all know that Bella is Stephenie Meyer in disguise) that they were married, I would’ve guessed they were siblings at the most, maybe fourth cousins.

Jasper & Alice: I hated Jasper’s back story in the whatever-book-he-revealed-it-in, and I hated the delivery. It made literally no sense. Just because Bella’s becoming part of the family doesn’t mean you sit there and tell her your whole story. Or maybe that makes sense in vampire relationships, but not in human world. DICK MOVE, BUDDY!! It didn’t make sense. Literally. I could analyze Jasper’s story but quite frankly, I don’t care enough to go in-depth into that book and type it all out for your lovely viewing. Alice – don’t get me started on this bitch. The fact that she was a psychic on top of everything else was enough to deter me. She’s interesting at first, and she was thrown into the mix to keep you from noticing that you’re slowly becoming numb to the world around you. This story can be equated to putting a frog in a pot of water and boiling it around him. He won’t notice until he’s dead.

Rosalie & Emmett: they were literally useless. Emmett served no purpose. Rosalie at least played the part of the popular, pretty bitch who is the only one in the family that instinctually hates Bella. I like that. It showed character. It was a breath of fresh air in the bat cave of insanity that is the Twilight novel. I didn’t like that Rosalie got over the hate so quickly. What a dumb plot idea!

Bella’s human buddies: I like humans. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with a vampire who felt like a chilled cucumber? Unless he made me vampire, of course. Oho! Convenient, no? Well, quite frankly, all of them were useless. Bella certainly had no dilemma in choosing between the real world and the violent, schizophrenic world of sparkly vampires.

Jacob: angsty, teenage, 80’s movie rip-off werewolf – oh wait, you’re not a werewolf you say, Jacob? You’re a Native American shape-shifter? Well, that makes even less sense.

Renesmee: DO NOT GET ME FUCKING STARTED ON THIS!!! AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!! TOO LATE!! She never should have been born! IT’s the worst plot idea I’ve ever heard of!

Lemme explain how this shit happened for the few cretins reading this whole think it’s cool: Bella only thought Edward was a vampire. Turns out he’s not. He’s an incubus, which is a distinctly masculine creature in Jewish mythology that impregnates human females while they are sleeping. The etymology of the term “incubi” refers literally to “cold penis.” Just a little bit of trivia for you. In the fourth book, where Renesmee every so beautifully fucks up the story, Edward magically gets Bella pregnant on their honeymoon and she has a funky baby. It magically grows really fast in her womb so she has basically three months total of being pregnant. Why, you ask? Because the author didn’t want to write nine months of Bella being a total hormonal bitch. Not that she isn’t in the first place. Then the baby came out and it ripped out of its mother’s womb with its teeth and claws, like a good little bloodsucker, and it killed Bella but Edward turned her into a vampire JUST IN TIME so she’s alive! Well, sort of. Now she’s a sparkly succubus, which is the female equivalent of an incubus that seduces men.

Let me clarify a few things here: I own several books on demonology. I study it. I know my demons. Demons, especially, ESPECIALLY INCUBI AND SUCUBI are not sparkly . Ever. Ever, ever, ever. There aren’t any sparkly demons. Rakshasa are not sparkly, Beelzebub is not sparkly, Vassago isn’t sparkly, no. Just, no. I threw the book at the wall when I read this! Meyer didn’t even do her research on this part! What the flying diet coke of a fuck is going on here? Are we actually publishing this uninformed crap? In any case, Renesmee is the drunken conglomeration of the names “Renee” and “Esme” which is Bella and Edward’s respective mother’s names. Except Esme isn’t Edward’s mother, she’s a useless character that happens to live in the same house that Edward lives in and apparently is sexually involved with Carlisle, who created Eddy. And she makes cookies, and most importantly she smiles warmly at people and delivers hugs at random intervals. I can’t imagine living with that psycho. You want to know what Renesmee’s middle name is? It’s Carlie. Carlisle plus Charlie, which is Bella’s dad’s name. Don’t you just want to puke in your soup?

Renesmee grows really fast too, in Breaking Dawn, the fourth Twilight novel. She grows super fast, like super baby, and she can talk and communicate with people. Because she’s some super growth baby that’s some kind of psychic in that she can “transfer images into people’s minds with a touch.” Jesus H. Christ.

Plus, she’s bonded to Jacob. Imprinted. Like a baby animal on their mothers, except this is with a shape-shifting native American who is obsessed with her mother and is still angsting by the fourth novel about Bella choosing Edward Cullen over him. You can tell something bad is going to happen here, can’t you? I’ll live your dirty minds to the image of Renesmee and Jacob, bonded for freaking ever. As for me, I have four words for you: “WHERE’S MY DAMN CHECK?!!”

I said I wasn’t going to rant on Renesmee, but here we are.

…

I was looking for literature, people, not the equivalent of what Courtney Love did to Kurt Cobain in prose! SHIT! This has seriously put me in a bad mood now, and I’m normally a very happy person (cough that’s a lie cough). This was worse than The Scarlet Letter when Nathaniel Hawthorne kept pointing out his own brilliance in his symbolism. Like the readers were too dumb to get that Pearl was a symbol of Hester’s adultery. What. The. FUCK. What an awful, awful, terrible, heinous, suicide-inspiring plot device!

I DECLARE A JIHAD ON TWILIGHT!!!!

Oh wait, crap---nooooo! I don’t wanna deal with the responsibilities of a Jihad!!

..You know what I think? I think this is all actually a rip-off of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode where she got poisoned by a demon and went nuts and started thinking she was actually in a nuthouse in L.A. and none of her friends existed and it was all in her head with some advanced schizophrenic bullshit. I think this was all a test set up by the government. To see what we’d do. That’s right, Big Brother is screwing with our minds again. Or aliens. But I seriously doubt that any non-carbon based life form would have the audacity to pump out this shit.

If I’m wrong, and this isn’t the government’s doing, than you all know what that means. This means that if our government isn’t the one doing this, then humanity…we’re doing this to ourselves. We are a self-destructive species and truly the end is nigh. It’s the end….of the world.

So maybe that wasn’t as dramatic as I wished it had been. Doesn’t matter. Twilight’s characterization isn’t even worth mentioning anymore. I’ve known chimps that have smeared their own dung on an easel and have produced more appealing and more artistic results. To put it even more nicely, there are sheep that could outwit this.

OVERALL

I think humanity is doomed because of this. This a-bomb trend that didn’t necessarily start with Twilight – people suddenly think vampires are sexy. Do I—do I need to do this? Do I really need to give my reasons? Why vampires are not cool? Why vampires are the gayest thing ever? This is coming from someone who’s read vampire novels her whole life, mind you. Do I need to remind people that they are gayer than gay sperms searching for an egg in all that shit? Do I nee—that’s it. That’s it, I’m bringing out the list. The list of Why Vampires Are Not Sexy. You assholes need a lesson!

WHY VAMPIRES ARE NOT SEXY:
1. They drink human blood. This kills humans. They are murdering, psychotic fiends without any regard for society’s morals and values. Unless you have a murderer fetish, this is most likely the kind of person you would typically avoid.
2. Vampires are pale and cold and dead. They are animated corpses with a brain, meaning they are only twice as intelligent as zombies. Unless you are a necrophiliac, this is not sexy.
3. Blood is your lifeblood. It keeps you alive. Why would you be with something that is slowly killing you? It just isn’t logical, unless you’re a suicidal freak.
4. Vampires can’t get it up because they no longer have hormones, and if they are chicks I imagine it’d be colder than a nun’s box down there. Plus, hey, older than dirt, right? There might be bats living down there. There could be a bear trap in there. You never know! It’s not someplace I’d like to visit, but I don’t know about you.
5. Vampires are weird looking. They have fangs. Their canines are inexplicably sharp. Dogs have sharp canines. Are you likely to have sex with a dog? Because they want to eat you too. Feral ones, anyway. Cats have sharp canines. This makes vampires no better than magical animals, so unless you are a zoophile, this is not sexy.
6. Vampires are not sparkly and pretty. They are scary and mean and in all reality, if vampires actually did exist, which they most certainly do not, they would likely kill you on sight. Mythology dictates it.
7. Furthermore, if you actually think vampires exist, you are the most retarded thing in this solar system. There is no such thing as vampires. Inert objects must have greater brain power than you do, you idiotic, moronic, pathetic excuse for a piece of manure. I’m not even going to acknowledge you as a member of my species of you think vampires exist. It’s been my belief for ages that the human race is heading to inevitable, violent destruction, and I get excited about it because I am an entropist. Somewhere in the depths of my inner being, however, I think there was a small part of me that was willing to admit the world had a chance of surviving. A little light, if you will. I don’t know anymore because you just took that light utterly extinguished it. You axed down my last hope, you miserable ass-clown. You deserve to be eradicated from the gene pool if you think vampires have the slightest possibility of being real.
8. Trueblood is not an excuse. They’re still not real. I can’t believe I’m actually making this point right now, but I sincerely feel that I have to. I’ve met people who actually believe vampires exist. No. No, no, no, no. Fuck you all.
9. Vampires are gayer than gay. They can only come out at night, they’re whiny about their existence, they’re allergic to garlic, they have no reflection, and they’re susceptible to religious symbols and burn up in the sun and evidently, die when a wooden stake is placed in the heart. Oddly enough, humans are known to die by similar reasons. Particularly porphyric albinos, but we won’t get into that. Face it – vampires suck. They’re only half as effective as zombies. I would sooner go for a zombie who only wants to eat my brain than for a vampire who wants my blood. I can’t stand the thought of my bodily fluids in another human being, which is why I am not a man and I am not an organ donor thank-you-very-much. But you didn’t need to know that…
10. They suck beyond belief. It’s an overused creature. First The Vampire Chronicles, then The Vampire Diaries, then the Sookie Stackhouse novels, then Rachel Morgan series (which sucked and I’ll probably write a review on those books later), then Twilight, then everything else. They’ve been fictionalized so much that people are confusing them with reality.
11. Vampires aren’t real. They aren’t sexy.

Unless you are a psychotic, suicidal, immature, picky, necrophiliac zoophile with a fetish for murdering fiends, vampires are turn-offs. I hope you all realize how dumb you are. This is worse than having a relationship with someone with one of those Clown Fetishes. If this is the complicated, gross stuff you need to get turned on, please do everyone a favor. Go play in the Highway. Nobody wants to deal with you.

But back to Twilight. Vampires aren’t cool to begin with, they’ve since become overrated by over-fictionalization, and Dracula didn’t sparkle. Need I make this point again? Vampires don’t sparkle and aren’t pretty. They burn and are ugly as fuck. Dracula wasn’t pretty. He was old and ugly.

RARRRGH.

This book is a the aftermath of a homo fuck cluster of prose. I sincerely mean that. It sucks! The plot isn’t even worth mentioning because it’s so bad! It’s cliché, it’s terrible, the characters are unrealistic to the point of hilarity, and Meyer’s writing style is mind-numbing. I swear I could hear the screams of my brain cells as they slowly jumped off the cranial shelf up there. I swear I heard them commit suicide as I was reading this book. I’ll swear that to my dying day.

What will I give this book? What credit will I give it? I will give it two miniscule, barely noticeable things. It was a quick read, and it was a halfway-decent romance. Not even a decent one. It was dragged down by useless dialogue, useless pining, and useless explanations. Love between teens is impulsive, even if one of them is actually a 40-something year old Mormon housewife in disguise and the other is really a 107 year old vampire. But after all the other baggage, those two points count for less than nothing. I hope Meyer never writes another one. I read all four in the hopes that they would get better, but Jesus fucking Christ, I can’t help myself. Now I’m halfway between seeing the movie and committing suicide. This book does things to your head.

(On that note, if you haven’t seen the movie, NEVER SEE THE MOVIE. NE-VERRR!!!)

I give Twilight a negative google. Fuck that was an awful book.