A/N: About the length...you know what? It wasn't as short as the Saw one.

Bad Adjectives In Sex: A Compilation

Examples and Complaints

Also a mini-rant about Kim Harrison and her shit

-don’t’cha hate it when authors use ‘em? Particularly in romance novels. Bad adjectives are the biggest problems in romance novels. Examples are things like “burgeoning” or “gorging” or “throbbing.” I heard one author describe her dream guy’s penis in the book as “thrumming with sexual energy” and I just about puked all over lesbian sitting next to me at the sperm clinic.

Just kidding! I wouldn't have puked. But it was rather gross, wasn't it?

Another example is found in textbooks. Particularly Psychology and Anatomy text books. They’ll describe orgasms as scientific, dull, and terrible things. One author in particular – a male one, I will note – described an orgasms as “rhythmic genital contractions.” Which, I guess, is somewhat accurate seeing as there are many muscle contractions involved, but rhythmic? Genital? Those are words you do not want to use when describing something like an orgasm. Just because something is scientifically correct does not mean that it is appropriate to sterilize something like an orgasm through the power of language. It’s inappropriate, it’s offensive, and it’s turned me off of sex forever.

Why can't people just describe their sex as "fucking" and orgasms as "amazing"? And if they want to go further, they can just at "hot" to "fucking" or "fucking" to "amazing." The English language isn't hard to speak, folks, because that's really all there is to it. Why do these awful people have to describe everything in such intimate detail? It's like they're insulting us by overdescribing because they think we don't have imaginations. Like we can't just close our eyes and dream away. Only clergymen, retards, and Hillary Clinton are incapable of doing that; the rest of us, including Bill Clinton whom I do not blame for his so-called scandal one bit, don't need you to describe Big Daddy's Big Penis as Burgeoning and Quivering With Rhythmic Genital Contractions as it Slops Into Me. Things like that make me want to listen to Madonna's Like A Virgin and drop dead. Honest.

On top of bad adjectives come just bad descriptions in general. The root of all evil can be found in bad sex novels. I was reading the Rachel Morgan series by Kim Harrison and I nearly had a stroke. My brain nearly fuckin’ melted. I had to put the book down and walk away before I would be forced to suffer the book to the shredder. There are many things that Kim Harrison writes well. Dialogue is one of them. Melodrama is one of them. Angst is another! But sex is not. Let me clue you in on how severe this is: she used the word “slipped into me.” Slipped. SLIPPED! Like Rachel’s goddamn vagina was a slip ‘n’ slide!

On the note of Kim Harrison, I’d like to say that Ivy is the most annoying bitch in existence and the fact that Rachel is even whinier than Aragorn makes me mad. Don’t talk to me about fucking Jenks, okay? Rrrgh! Makes me just sick with a bad case of the fucking angry. (…I don’t read books to hear about the whiny main character’s lesbian tendencies! Why hasn’t Al eaten her alive? I would’ve!! Plus, he-lloooo, Rachel, “yes, this is just my bisexual vampire roommate. She makes me gender confused because she’s so hawt! But I swear I’m not gay.” I don’t believe any more needs to be said!)

Plus, Kim Harrison describes her dream guys as either Angel-rip offs, or Spike-rip offs. Read the description of Nick, or Pierce. Or Kisten! You’ll see. Am I the only one who hated that guy? Who’s glad that he died? Oh wait, spoilers.

Kim Harrison and that certain Psychology hell-hole aren’t alone, though. I mentioned romance novels. All I have to say about them is Nora Roberts.

Good gosh.

Thank you, all you terrible authors with your bad sexual adjectives. Thank you for turning me off of sex forever! I think I’m going to join a convent.