Tuesday. 6 October, 2009.

This is for my dear friend Kimono3kitty, because she wanted more Bryan background. And because she totally deserves it, having been a faithful reader over the years and reviewing as well! Not to mention putting up with all the crap my characters go through, and NOW being my beta! Thanks so much, love!

Bryan

It is distressing to Bryan that he cannot recall when he was always happy. It most certainly was before his father died, because he saw much more of his mother and, more importantly, Stefan was always smiling about something or other. Bryan blames this on the fact that he was just a child then, and childhood memories do not linger in the years after. He does not remember being two or five or eleven, but then neither does anyone else that he’s spoken to.

Happiness just wasn’t part of the equation. Survival was.

–Robin Green (1992)

Ever since he was seventeen, Bryan has had a job, and he hates it.

Bryan works at an auto-mechanic shop, helping to repair people’s cars. At first he can’t work a normal nine-to-five, because he is still a minor. Then he turns eighteen, and he still can’t work a nine-to-five because he is working overtime, every day. It is exhausting work, and Bryan would give anything to quit and not have a job so he could stay home and take care of Stefan. But the pay is good, minimum wage at least, and he needs it if they are going to stay alive and in relatively good financial standing. It is lucky that he stops growing shortly after he turns eighteen, because he doesn’t have the time or the money to splurge on new clothes when it is needed for things like food and electricity.

Up until he’d gotten the job, they had lived off the money which came after their father’s death, but that is sure to run out eventually. He could ask their older brother for help—except he doesn’t know of any ways to contact Ellis, and Bryan doesn’t know if there is a way to get help from the government or anything. Besides, he isn’t sure he wants anyone to know about the situation—they could be separated from their mother, and while it wouldn’t upset the household overmuch, Bryan knows without a doubt that Stefan would be shattered. They would be put into foster homes, maybe separately. Bryan knows that cannot happen…he just knows it.

So he works a job he hates, under a boss he doesn’t like. He isn’t happy, of course, but that doesn’t matter. As long as he can support Stefan, things will be okay.

Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.

–Jean Anouilh (1910-1987)

This is Bryan’s favorite quote. Bryan believes in the meaning of this quote more than he believes in everything except his younger brother. Stefan tries to be strong for him; he tries not to worry Bryan more than he has to, and he is the kindest person Bryan knows. Bryan is so, so thankful for that, and he loves his brother more than anyone else in the world. Bryan loves Stefan’s smile, even if he doesn’t see it very often anymore, and he loves how Stefan can make him smile, even on his worst days.

In their lives, everything Bryan does is, at least partly, for Stefan. Since their father’s death, the two of them have shared an Us-Against-The-World view, and so Bryan shares the results of his daily life with Stefan, and Stefan spends whatever time they have in the same place, together with him.

If we have the opportunity to be generous with our hearts, ourselves, we have no idea of the depth and breadth of love’s reach.

-Margaret Cho (03/09/2004)

After their father’s death, there was only one time when Bryan dated anyone. When he was sixteen, he dated a girl from his chemistry class. He remembers their time together fondly, even if it wasn’t very long. They got together at the beginning of their sophomore year, and they broke it off halfway through. Bryan does not regret the end of their relationship, because they remained friends until their graduation, but he does regret the reason it had to end.

You have to take care of your little brother. You’ve never introduced me to your family, and I can understand your situation. She had given him a sad smile. But I know from how you’ve talked about Stefan—you adore him, and he adores you. You give everything you have to help him—and as long as you’re doing that, then I can’t have you.

Of course he had apologized, but he knew she was right. Bryan’s relation to Stefan went far beyond the usual protective-sibling bond. So they parted ways as lovers, but remained friends. She was the only one who knew about his home life.

Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

Since Bryan loves Stefan, he gives Stefan everything he has, even his problems. The catch to this is that Bryan will only really talk about all the worry he feels when Stefan is asleep—after work, he will shower and then go into Stefan’s room just before bed. For a while, he will stand or sit there, and watch his younger brother sleep, soaking in the peace that comes from the silence and the simplicity of Stefan’s easy breathing. There are some days where he notices that Stefan has cried himself to sleep, and it makes him feel like screaming at the top of his lungs, like breaking something. In the end, he only brushes a kiss across his brother’s forehead and murmurs I love you so much, and then when the weekend comes he spends it all with Stefan, because no matter how tired he is the smile that Stefan inevitably gives him is enough to keep him going for another week.

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself.

–Hermann Hesse (1877-1962)

Bryan hates their mother. He is turning nineteen in a week, and he has been out of school for almost a month now. That doesn’t matter—he’s not going to get a real birthday, and he has no free time anyway. All he does now is take care of his younger brother and work at his job. He keeps his head up and hardly ever speaks to his mother—until Stefan’s graduation.

Their older brother comes, and the surprise and joy that Bryan sees in Stefan when he realizes it after the ceremony is enough to let him forget about their problems and how tired he is. But their mother does not come, and when Stefan realizes this, Bryan is crushed under all the problems and exhaustion again. When he watches his brother storming off with anger in every move he makes, that is when the misery collects.

At home, Bryan collapses on the couch with the air of one who has been completely defeated. Ellis sits down next to him gingerly, and wants to know what is going on. Bryan wonders with a bitter laugh if Ellis realizes that he has just offered to be an outlet. Ellis is well aware of this, and Bryan opens his mouth to speak. But he doesn’t get more than a few words out about their younger brother, and then his throat is closing and his eyes are burning and wet and Ellis wraps him in a tight embrace, shielding him from everything as he whispers shh, shh in the dark.

As he is telling the story at last, the misery is joined by the first stirs of anger. Ellis reminds him to keep it low, but it doesn’t matter. When their mother ghosts into the room and notices that Ellis is in the house, she pretends that he is a stranger to her, and the anger works up Bryan’s throat until it culminates in the form of an accusation: you didn’t come today, why didn’t you come, you promised you would.

Their mother denies it all; she puts it off on him, and it doesn’t matter that he can prove that he told her, she will only believe the justness of the world inside her head. They fight, screaming at each other in a way that they have never done before. Bryan is sick with it, the negativity filling him up as his voice breaks. Ellis slips away into Stefan’s room, and as their mother starts off in Italian—a language Bryan doesn’t know—all of the anger and misery boils over so that Bryan can realize how much he truly hates her.

(In some years he will look back on this night and realize that he did not hate her. He hated the world she lived in, the way she acted, and the things she did and did-not-do-when-she-should-have. He will hate himself, because he did not try harder to save them all.)

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.

—Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

The curious thing about being really frightened is it can still your voice.

Bryan is learning this now, quickly, because his little brother is still lying in that hospital bed. He looks fragile and Bryan is scared to touch him. He had no idea that being able to heal someone—such a gift—could start out so painful.

He didn’t even believe it, when Ellis told him about it. But as they were changing visitor shifts one day, Bryan walked in on his explanation to Stefan, and the next five minutes were some of the worst ones he has ever experienced. While Stefan screamed, Bryan could only stand by the bed, watching Ellis hold him, trembling and dismayed.

Bryan is once again thankful that Ellis asked to stay with them, because if he had gone back to Ohio, back to his father, this would have been much more catastrophic. Bryan is absolutely broken as it is, seeing Stefan in this state; if he had to handle it alone Stefan would probably be dead or something, because Bryan would have no idea what was going on and the explanation would be something he Could Not Handle. Bryan is not a fan of stress. Bryan dislikes being afraid. Bryan hates Stefan being afraid. When both of them are terrified, i.e. right now, Ellis is the one who maintains his cool composure and sorts it all out. Bryan likes the fact that Ellis can do that, because Bryan lives in a world of extremes.

If we cannot live so as to be happy, let us least live so as to deserve it.

-Immanuel Hermann Fichte

Bryan is relieved—Stefan is getting some help. The healing gene will not tear him apart anymore, once it’s all been balanced out. Bryan was very happy to hear it; he was also very sad, because it means that Stefan will be going away for some time, and he will be alone in the house with Ilaria (he can’t call her Mother, not after her absence in their lives and the things she said, and they are not on speaking terms anyway). But Ellis has rented a hotel room nearby that charges per week, and he has promised to be there whenever Bryan wants or needs him. Likewise, Stefan has promised both of them that he will keep in touch. It’s nice, to be acknowledged and loved for everything you’ve done, and for everything that you’ve been through.

The day that Stefan is supposed to leave, the three brothers all go out. They are going for dessert and a movie, in that order. It is a toss-up between Monty Python and the Holy Grail or Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (because they are silly like that), and another toss-up between ice cream or gelato (which are like the same thing until you’ve tried them and know the difference).

In the end, they settle for Monty Python because Ellis has never seen it, Stefan can quote nearly all the scenes that everybody knows, and it is Bryan’s favorite movie (not to mention, the movie is hilarious and they could all use a good laugh after the month they’ve been through). They go for gelato for much the same reasons, except that the roles are changed around: Ellis loves it, having been introduced (ironically) by their mother. Stefan has never tried it, and Bryan doesn’t mind either way because he enjoys them both.

After the gelato, when they are back at home, Stefan comes into the living room to join his brothers for the movie. When he sees that Ellis and Bryan have left space between them for him to sit, he not only smiles but laughs, and wedges himself in between them to give them both a hug.

Bryan is absolutely thrilled.

All quotes come from Quotations Page, a dot com site with a wonderfully large collection of quotes which can be accessed in pretty much every way I could think of.