Okay. So before you read, I want you to know that I did not write this. I wish I could take credit for this magnificence, but I cannot. It belongs to my friend Patrick, who is, in fact, a straight man. Which sounds weird, right? But he is. I promise.

This is what happens when you write slash and take AP Euro, and then hang out in the back of the theater studying your notes while dirty things are on your mind. Psh, we’ve all done that—Patrick is just the only one who could put into words what we were all thinking.

And if you’re religious, you may very well be offended. Proceed with caution.

Reformationists in Love

by Patrick Idleman

Our story takes place in the Marburg Colloquy during the times of the Swedish and German Reformationist movements.

"No, you fool! Christ is physically in the Eucharist." Luther shouted at Zwingli from across the table. This debate had gone on for hours. The other Reformationists that had come to the Castle of Marburg had retired to their bed chambers. They urged the two warring reformationists to do the same, but each was determined to convince the other that his views were the correct ones. It wasn't that Luther and Zwingli disagreed about everything—in fact, they agreed on 14 of their "15 points of Reformation for the Churches of Europe." The only aspect of their views and doctrines that differed was Christ's role in the Eucharist.

"YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!" Zwingli yelled. "Do you actually believe that Jesus turned himself into bread and wine? And if you do, doesn't that mean you support the idea of cannibalism? 'Hey everyone, listen to our reforms, where we believe in munching on Jesus,'" Zwingli mocked Luther. "Christ's presence in the Eucharist is symbolic of his down-to-earth qualities! That is it."

"You abstractist heretic!" Luther replied. "You believe in the omnipotent power of God and his son, Jesus, but you can't grasp the idea that he might be able to turn himself into foodstuffs."

"Why would the son of God turn Himself into food for us to eat?" asked Zwingli incredulously.

"Why would he die for our sins, dine with prostitutes and tax-collectors, and walk on water? HE IS JESUS CHRIST FOR CHRIST'S SAKES! He is present in all places, and therefore present in the bread and wine. You, my good sir, are a heathen and un-Christian." Luther declared.

"Fine, think what you want to. But I won't stand for being insulted by some pompous fool. I now will take my leave of your company." Zwingli gathered his belongings, rose from his seat and got ready to vacate the premises. But as he started to leave, Luther grabbed Zwingli by the hand.

"What do you want?" Zwingli asked irritated.

"Look, I am sorry if I upset you," Luther apologized. "But despite our disagreements on this one subject, we owe it to the cause to come to an agreement. How about, "While Christ's flesh is not present in the Eucharist, his mind and soul are."

". . .So now we are eating Jesus-brains? For pity's sake, Luther, you get crazier by the second." Zwingli roughly threw Luther's hand from his shoulder.

Luther, angered by Zwingli's accusations, brought his hand up and smacked Zwingli across the face. Zwingli hobbled off to the side, reeling from the sting of the slap. He dropped what he had in his hands, and gave Luther a right hook to the jaw. Luther, without even flinching from the hit, grabbed Zwingli by the shoulders and pinned him to the table. Luther lowered his face, inches away from Zwingli's and looked him straight in the eye with a menacing stare.

Zwingli, fearing for his life, tried to headbutt Luther. Luther tried to dodge, which resulted in the headbutt to land awkwardly in a rough slapping together of the two men’s lips. The two men froze in that position, as if the kiss had stopped them from being able to move. Slowly, Luther eased up the pressure of his hands Zwingli's shoulders, but, instead of breaking the kiss and backing off, he deepened the kiss, spurned on by some unknown force. Zwingli, at first appalled by Luther's sudden advances, found the kiss pleasurable, warm and soft. He felt. . .content. Without words, he slowly wrapped his arms around Luther's neck, and leaned up into the kiss, and stuck his tongue down Luther's throat. The two of them started making out, right there on the table. They slowly started to grind against one another in a rhythmic groove as they explored each other's mouths with their tongues.

Luther started ripping off his shirt, giving Zwingli a clear look at Luther's rippling muscles. Zwingli felt completely turned-on by Luther's tanned flesh. He felt his groin start to get hot and itch, burning with holy desire. Zwingli started sliding off his pants, trying to get some cold air to his genitals, so that they would cool down. Luther, busy taking his own shirt off, didn't get a good glimpse of Zwingli's actions until his pants were around his ankles. Luther saw the erect, hairy member slowly extend before him as if it was a holy relic asking for his touch.

Luther got on his knees, and shoved Zwingli's throbbing cock down his throat. Zwingli, completely caught off-guard by this new development, let out a shrill scream of ecstacy as he felt the warmth of Luther's mouth close around his penis. They stayed in this position for 10 minutes, Luther bobbing his head up and down on Zwingli's dick, occasionally massaging the man's balls to hear a yelp of pleasure emerge from his lips. After 10 minutes, Zwingli needed release, and gave a loud grunt as sticky, white semen exploded into Luther's mouth. Luther, inexperienced with this sort of experience, took Zwingli's member out of his mouth, only to have another load of hot semen shot onto his face, blinding him temporarily. After this blowjob, Zwingli and Luther stopped and breathed for a second, needing to regain back both their physical and mental energy for these last few encounters.

It was quite apparent after minutes of recuperation, that Luther was hungry for his own release. Zwingli, smiling at the strong outline of Luther's hard-on in his pants, turned around and bent over the table, giving Luther a wink. Luther, at first confused at what Zwingli was signaling, soon got the gist of the gesture, and proceeded to drop his drawers. He walked up, behind Zwingli’s supple, pink buttox, and leaned over him. Luther whispered into Zwingli's ear, as Luther caressed his hair and nibbled on the aforementioned ear with gusto:

"Now, do you believe I am going to physically be inside you, or just spiritually?"

The End

I think Luther and Zwingli are rolling in their graves. Or maybe they’re having a threesome with Jesus. Oh my god, I am so going to Hell just for saying that. Or maybe Dante’s right, and Jesus is in Hell, too. And Plato. Dude. Who else has ever wanted their name to be Play-Doh? I mean, come on. Freaking awesome. Or maybe it was Elmo. (Greek ftw?) Anyway. I’ve told Trick that I’d forward him all reviews, so… you should review. To make Patrick happy. Because he’s a straight guy. And he wrote you slash. So I mean, come on, spread the love :)