Happiness was an insatiable thirst for her.

Inside she craved it, the same craving she had for being on the stage, performing in front of millions. It was as though being a pop star was her fate; after advancing her career, she experienced the longest, temporary high of her life. Nothing artificial could achieve it for her; it was all in her soul.

Before Jasmine began her career in the music business, her parents showered her with material things in order to prevent her from going into her moods. For months at a time, she’d suffer from bouts of depression; it was the self-diagnoses Mrs. Powell came up with to explain it. Since she was child, even as a toddler, instead of throwing tantrums, Jasmine would sulk, and for them, it was scary.

It wasn’t until she got older that she began to fear those moods.

The ignorance innocence strived in was gone, and suddenly, Jasmine’s problem-solving skills for dealing with her issues reached an extreme level. She was fourteen years old when she first attempted suicide after losing the leading role in the school play. She couldn’t even get through with the day after making the realization and walked home from school early, trying to come up with a logical reason for the travesty. The only thing Jasmine came up with was that she wasn’t good enough. Her hardest was not the best, and she needed to escape from the pain.

She hadn’t even given her mother time to bribe her emotions to go away with those new shoes she kept asking for.

Jasmine used the box-cutter Mr. Powell kept in the kitchen draw, locked herself in her bathroom and laid down on the floor to stop from hitting her head when she passed out. When she felt the blood dripping down her arms, her eyes getting heavy and grasp weakening, she didn’t expect to be waking up again.

And yet she did, in a hospital bed with her parents looking over her hopefully. Shortly after, she had a panic attack—she had almost died at her own hands. She was willing to kill herself because of something so trivial; that was when she began cooperating with the therapy method her mother blueprinted. The family kept Jasmine’s suicide scare secret, and once she got back home, the shoes she longed for were sitting on her windowsill.

Avoiding getting counseling, once Jasmine left home with Fusion, she kept a list of goals in order to quench her drive for bliss. Incorporated with going solo was standing out at photo shoots and sleeping with certain guys, anything that would keep the teenager’s ego in check. All of these were hidden from Jenna, Leela, and especially Bryanne, who rested the closest to her heart despite how different they were from one another.

Despite growing up with one another, it wasn’t until their first live performance, after an awards show, that Jasmine noticed how different things gave them gratification. The group had rocked the crowd and backstage she was as cheerful as ever, hugging everyone in sight. When she got to “[her] Annie”, her best friend, she spun her around—Bryanne had always been so light—but she lacked the enthusiasm. If Jasmine hadn’t been so exuberant, Annie would’ve ruined her mood.

Still, Jasmine noticed at the after-party, Bryanne was suddenly energized. Speeding past her every so often, rubbing elbows and joking with this and that person, she thrived in that atmosphere, whereas it began to drain the lead singer. As time went on, the band wound up leaving without her; she came stumbling through the doors around eight in the morning.

Jenna and Leela were overcome with fury, but Jasmine still reveled in the success of last night.

It was the same thing closer to the end of their career together, when things were more chaotic, and a guy came in carrying Bryanne while she slumped in his arms. She moaned about McDonalds with her eyes open and glassy; the girls were foreign to this Bryanne. Despite her always being under one substance or another, unbelievably relaxed, this was different.

Leela was ecstatic, yelling at the guy and asking what he did to her while Jenna attempted directing him to Bryanne’s room. Jasmine’s eyes followed his every move with interest, though not because he was a stranger. Instead, she was intrigued. He was handsome and chivalry-like, at least to her.

Annie’s hero, like the Powells were hers.

From the living room, half-heartedly looking over a magazine, Jasmine noticed Jenna and Leela were arguing. Meanwhile, if she strained to listen, she could notice Bryanne murmur Justin’s name; Jasmine’s skin tingled. Bryanne had an amazing voice, the voice Jasmine wanted; it consisted of the perfect balance of seriousness, nonchalance, and seduction. “I love you, Justin…don’t leave me.”

He didn’t leave either—at least, not until she was asleep first.

Jenna and Leela eventually left the room, informing Jasmine of what was going on. “She was messing around with a little of everything: alcohol, weed, lean…she’s just a mess. And this guy—”

“I like watching how sweet he is with her,” Jenna commented.

“I think he’s high too,” Leela whispered.

Jenna rolled her eyes. “Either way, it’s cute. Bryanne deserves a nice guy.”

About an hour later, they heard footsteps. Coolly, Justin strode into the presence of the girls, his swagger causing Jasmine’s heartbeat to increase. They were all speaking in hushed tones about Bryanne, knowing that they’d have to make up an excuse to refrain from her coming with them to The View to promote our new album. Jenna stopped in mid-sentence, knowing that he was in their presence.

“Listen out for her and make sure her door’s open. I got her laying on her side, but I’m sure she’ll be okay.”

Leela nodded and forced a smile. Those were getting common with her; she was getting sick with the lifestyle. In a matter of days, her and Jenna would be out of the house, permanently. After the release of their album, Fusion would announce their deterioration.

“Thanks for bringing her home.”

He looked back toward the direction of her bedroom and shook his head. “I couldn’t let her stay with me tonight.”

“She normally stays with you?” Jenna asked. “You know, when she’s not here?” Jasmine’ interest was peaked, just as theirs were, but they were more daring when it came to speaking up. As soon as she gained the opportunity, she was going to write of her new conquest: this Justin fellow. She only hoped that he and Annie weren’t serious…and acknowledged in her mind that it would still happen, someday.

“Most times, when I don’t have a lot going on there. She hasn’t mentioned me?”

They all shook their heads. “Not at all,” she told him.

He smirked a little, but quickly it went away. “She said she hadn’t…I’m Justin. We’re kind of…I don’t know—good friends.”

It wasn’t until Fusion was nonexistent and Jasmine was continuing the proceedings for her solo album did she notice how much time Bryanne spent with Justin. Various nights, nights that she hadn’t realized until it was just the two of them living in the apartment, she’d stay with him and Jasmine’d be alone. She was head-over-heels in love with him and didn’t even have to relay the news; it seemed that an everlasting glow was always surrounding her.

Jasmine envied it. She wished it away so that Annie was hers again, back in her corner fueling her own happiness.

Then she met Cash.

For a while, things were good. Things were really good. Jasmine’s dependence on Bryanne seemed to demise the longer she had a new beau, the constant company of a guy satisfying her in ways her best friend could not. The two were together for a few years, the relationship leading to an engagement and immediate wedding plans. Ultimately, infidelity ceased the affair.

That was the first sign of Jasmine’s façade crumbling.

Within weeks, she thrusted back into the dating scene, wanting to much to fill the void that Cash, her first love, had left. Spotted out every few nights with a new guy, she was sporting a new look and her face plastered the tabloids. She was the new IT girl in the limelight and loving every minute of it. It was an instant gratification type of thing going on; she still never felt complete. Subconsciously she was searching for that fulfillment and had no idea how to find it, so she did whatever she could to keep going…hoping one of her goals would help her run across her treasure.

It was when she was with Benny, that she felt like things were going right, though, not with him.

Instead, it was another guy.

She was surprised to spot him at the bookstore, checking out a familiar piece of literature she had once read in high school. From a couple of sections away, she suspected it was him and excitement ravaged her bones. His tall frame, mocha complexion, and trademark fitted cap always got the best of her, and she gave in to her curiosity; she approached him.

“Hey Justin,” she greeted him shyly.

Exuberant on stage, but self-conscious when it came to guys, Jasmine felt like an idiot before she even opened her mouth.

He looked up in surprise, perhaps even embarrassment, and then relief. With the crowd he normally ran with, he never suspected someone would recognize him in a book store, shifting the pages of a novel of literary merit with interest. “Hey Jasmine, how’s it going?”

She shrugged. “I’m okay…what about you?”

He shrugged as well. From her best friend, she knew that the two’s relationship had turned rocky, and been that way for a substantial amount of time. They had been single by the time Jasmine broke her engagement with Cash, but would still get together on a regular basis as if things were alright. Bryanne still would talk about Justin with a light in her eyes, and yet, the sunshine would disappear in a heartbeat when she complained about how bad things would get.

Yet, they still had each other. Justin carried Annie’s favorite book in his hand.

“Um…I have a free day for a change,” Jasmine suddenly said. “We should, hang out for a little or something.”

Justin hesitated. This was their first time being alone, him and Jasmine. Even though he was never the type to give in to any sexual temptation without a woman he was truly interested in, he knew that Anne would not be happy to hear about the two of them hanging. And with Jasmine, and all the success she had built up, they were sure to be spotted together and her, recognized.

The fact that he had to contemplate it discouraged the young singer, and she bit her bottom lip. “Never mind,” she told him. Reluctantly she added, “It might not be a good idea.” Disappointed, she held back her tears and turned to walk away, but before she made a move, Justin touched her arm.

“I just don’t want anything to get back to Anne,” he admitted.

“We don’t…we don’t have to be out and about…We can just chill at my apartment or something.”

Justin nodded. “Sounds pretty safe,” he said with a smirk.

Jasmine turned back around and smiled. “Well, you ready?”

Again, he thought about it. The book in his hand was suddenly weighing him down, a book Bryanne was guilty of telling him about as they shared a bag of kush the night before. As they laid on the couch with her head on his chest, his fingers intertwined in her hair, she was high as hell, and tears fell from her eyes as she summarized the story she felt was the greatest of them all. Justin had always been aware that his former girlfriend loved reading, regardless of the fact that she had never told him, and he was interested to see what was so good about it.

“Are you going to get it?” Jasmine asked, following his eyes.

He looked at her, locking her gaze, before he shook his head and set it back on the shelf. “Maybe some other time.”

That afternoon, the two of them experienced something they never had before. Mentally Justin found himself comparing his Anne to her Jasmine, and Jasmine was checking out. What he liked about the two of them were that they were so different, and yet, exactly the same. Unlike other girls Justin visited, they both never did anything to obviously impress him, like “strip down to something more comfortable.” Instead, they busied themselves so that he’d feel welcome.

Jasmine’s apartment was nice and neat; she’d clean when she was upset. Lonely, she had stayed up all night making the place immaculate, which was an accomplishment because she had many items. Bryanne, on the other hand, kept a tidy home. It wasn’t full of too many things, and items she had no place for were neatly organized somewhere else.

“I planned on making shrimp alfredo tonight…is that okay with you?” she asked him.

He consented and then offered to help. They laughed and spoke as easily as the alcohol flowed whenever Justin shared a date in Anne’s apartment. Jasmine was sober, causing him to maintain the same status, and things were good between them.

Too good, Jasmine suddenly thought later, as spending time with Justin became a regular thing. He’d come to her home, they’d have dinner and watch movies…

She was exultant.

She was elated.

And then, she was pregnant.

At the early signs of suspicion, Jasmine was overcome with stress. She was always hot, as though her blood pressure was on a hot stove, constantly boiling. She was living alone and things were beginning to get messy, she never had time to clean. She had no time for Benny; she couldn’t make time for Justin. She threw herself into her work, stocking up on pregnancy tests and taking them as if they were a medication.

The positive ones, I’ll throw out.

The problem: they were all positive.

She needed to tell Annie.

It was late in the afternoon when Bryanne made her way inside the darkened apartment. Jasmine purposely kept the shades closed to match her cloudy mood, welcoming the darkness during those scarce times she left the apartment. She called her best friend over for various reasons, to confess, apologize, and get advice, but mostly because she was afraid. The thoughts were creeping into her mind…those feelings she had tried so hard to keep from devouring her mind.

Those thoughts Bryanne was never aware of.

“God Jasmine, it looks awful in here,” Bryanne said softly. “Jazzy…”

Jasmine’s expression was blank, her eyes holding back tears, even though she wanted so much to crumble and have someone pick up the pieces, like her parents had so long ago.

“Annie…” she choked out.

It was her best friend’s first time in her apartment for months, and Bryanne shifted uncomfortably. She was high…most times she came around Jasmine she needed to be under the influence of something to survive her overbearing nature, and Jasmine could never tell. She never knew the difference between sober Annie and high Annie…

“What’s going on, Jasmine?” Bryanne asked. She didn’t take a step closer to her friend, but instead kept her voice softened. She never witnessed the Jasmine who lacked control, who let her life get out of her hands.

“Bryanne…I’m in trouble deep…”

Annie nodded. The experience was sobering, slowly but surely. “Jasmine…I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

Then Jasmine let out a whimper. Bryanne winced, but still kept her distance, much to Jasmine’s dismay. She needed to be held…she needed to be home. She needed her childhood back—her life. “I love you, Annie.”

“I love you too, Jaz.”

“No, Annie! I really love you, no matter what I do. I can’t control myself sometimes…but I’d never do anything to hurt you.”

Bryanne was getting nervous, worried. Her temperature was increasing, her throat was tightening; she needed to smoke something. Jasmine…always stressful. Annie never knew where Jasmine was coming from, just that Jasmine was used to manipulating things her way. Jasmine loved her and she always said it, but something about the moment made this time different.

“I’m pregnant, Bryanne…” her voice trailed off.

Annie almost expressed her relief and congratulations, but the way Jasmine said it…she detected there was more.

“I’m so sorry, Annie.”

Why is she apologizing? Bryanne wondered.

“Things had been so good for so long,” Jasmine quickly explained while her best friend listened. She knew that once everything clicked in her visitor’s mind, Bryanne would go ballistic. “I thought I could get away with anything because I’ve been getting away with it for so long. Now I’m sure I’m pregnant…there’s a baby inside of me…but you can’t tell Justin yet.”

“Why would I tell him?” Bryanne asked.

Jasmine shrugged and then took a deep breath. “He told me that you tell him everything.”

Bryanne bit her bottom lip, shaking her head. “You’ve been talking?”

“No—Well, sort of…nothing like—”

“And he can’t know you’re pregnant?”

Jasmine shook her head and that when she knew Bryanne figured it out. Her expression immediately changed…and despite it being dim, Jasmine recognized a tear glistening down Bryanne’s cheek. It was the first time Bryanne had cried in years; she vowed to hold the heavy flow until she reached some privacy. “Annie…I don’t want the baby. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I don’t want it.”

Bryanne shook her head in disbelief, emotions surging through her at lightening speed. Her hands, she needed to do something with her hands before she let her anger get the best of her. “Some best friend,” she muttered. She took a deep breath, but the humid apartment interfered with the relief. “I should’ve known…I should’ve seen it coming.”

“Annie, please…I’m really sorry…we can all get through this.”

“I don’t know what to say to you right now. I want to call you a bitch, but even that won’t feel good enough. I don’t want to hit you, because that can go away, unless I beat the shit out of you. This…this feeling I’m feeling right now…it will never go away no matter what decision you choose to make.”

Jasmine sucked in her breath, sighing and making eye contact with the floor. She didn’t care to fight the tears from falling anymore. “It might not even be Justin’s, Annie.”

“It could be his. It could be his…and you know how I feel about him,” Bryanne’s voice was laced with disgust and distress. “That’s why you don’t want me to tell him, because he’ll know that it might be his and you won’t have time to explain yourself.”

Jasmine was ashamed; her mood was getting the best of her. Slowly, she was longing for the hurt and the pain…needing the encouragement to do what she had tried to do so long ago. She was going to hurt Bryanne, wanted so much to do it so that she wouldn’t have anything else to live for…so that she could welcome the everlasting peace she fought to hold on to. “I wanted to use a condom, but you know how Justin is.”

It was enough.

Jasmine was so close, she could practically picture the tears streaming down everyone’s faces once she was gone. So close…that fear she was getting used to, was coming back.

Bryanne cursed her former friend before turning to leave, desperate to escape with a drink and couple of cigarettes.

“You can’t leave me Bryanne!” The innocence of Jasmine, the part longing to live, was fighting to come out while her one savior reached for the door. “You can’t leave me like this. I’m on the verge of killing myself! I’m fighting myself from doing it.”

Bryanne shut the door in response.

By the time night fell, news had circulated that Jasmine had swallowed a bottle of pills.

This time, she had no hero.