Wish I May

Prologue – Descent

Everyday is fire and brimstone and agony and I can't believe I'm still alive and breathing or would that be kicking? because kicking sounds about right and so does ripping and tearing and biting because I've been destroying other vampires in an attempt to make things make sense but nothing makes sense anymore and it hurts it hurts it HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH!

My one source of comfort has gone cold and distant and it's like he isn't even there anymore and it just adds to the hurt because I know I did that to him I made him close himself off from me and from the world and I didn't mean to but there's this fire in my veins and it burns all the time and drives me crazy and I need to destroy things to make it stop so destroying my relationship with my only remaining lover sounds just about right doesn't it?

But I'm standing in the audience chamber now covered in blood and other things and still I'm ripping into the vampire that so openly mocked our loss and it feels good to get my hands dirty and to pull the flesh from his bones and beat his still body with the broken pieces in my hands and I'm screaming and screaming and the pain is still there and it flares hotter and flashes down my spine when something explodes somewhere far away.

I heard the loud noise and it draws my attention from my slaughter and looking out the window there's nothing there and all these vampires are making my eyes and head hurt and I wish they'd just stop smirking and stop with their glowing and their too strong scents and let me be let me rest in piece.

Why am I still here?

I fall still and descend into the darkness and it feels good in there even though it hurts but it hurts less when I'm in the dark and things make a little more sense and I wish Akuji was here to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay but it isn't because I ruined him and I ruined us and I broke our lives because I exist and because I brought that murderer into their lives and T'kali is dead because of me and it just makes everything that much more agonizing and the anguish is eating away at what's left of my mind and body and the madness is following close behind and then there's the rage bubbling in my chest that's always there and too too hot and the guilt the guilt the guilt the GUILT! is destroying me and destroying us but we're trying to hold on and we're trying to keep moving because we can't let any of them see how weak we are because then it would be a blood bath and isn't that exactly what I want? isn't it?

Hunger crunches my belly and I'm feeding from a soft and pliable bloodslave and she's too mushy and bouncy and something against my body and I don't like the way she feels or tastes but I have to eat and I can't take solid foods because they make me sick and even the blood doesn't always stay down anymore and it's making me lose weight and I'm starting to look like Akuji before he put his weight back on and my face is stark and I'm bony but it's not as bad as Akuji when he wasn't eating no it isn't.

It's not as bad anymore but in a way it is and I don't understand and what am I doing here and why can't I sleep and why why why WHY!

The darkness presses in around us and it's not so bad because Akuji is asleep and his skin isn't glowing so brightly anymore though his blood tattoos are always lit with this lurid glow and they have a tendency to brighten whenever I touch him but lately they've stopped doing that and even my skin is glowing and even that hurts my eyes so I close them and pretend that I can't hear my own blood rushing through my veins and that I can't feel my blood rushing through my body and I pretend pretend pretend that my maker is still alive and it soothed the pain for a second until I remember again that he's gone and it's all my fault and I can't sleep because I'm afraid to sleep because there's always nightmares and the nightmares sometimes hurt but mostly they just make me want to hurt other things and everything hurts so I don't sleep but let myself stare at the backs of my eyelids for the whole night and then the moon comes again and Akuji wakes up and the whole fucking process just repeats repeats repeats until I think I'll go even more insane than I already am and today maybe I won't kill anything but it's such a lost cause because we're standing in the audience chamber and there's someone there and he's sneering and he looks like that murderer and before I can even stop myself I'm attacking him and snarling and tears are streaming down my cheeks and the descent into the day's madness is complete.

A/N: Again, I apologize for the brevity. I hope everyone enjoys the horrible stream-of-consciousness writing without punctuation and whatnot. Does he come across as crazy?

Love? Please?