Something I felt I had to write. 'Cuz this is how you make me feel. There is no hiding that. I wish I could but I can't hide it anymore. You don't see what it does to me. Only one person EVER guessed. And he's the only person I honestly can trust. And that's your fault. It's YOUR fault I can't trust men. It's your fault I can't trust a lot of people. It's your fault I am depressed. It's your fault I think I'm worthless. 'Cuz that's what YOU tell me I am.

Because of You

I trusted you. I depended on you. I needed you. I thought you were one person, but it turns out your not who I thought you were. And you can't make that up to me. No matter how much you try. All you ever did was hurt the ones you loved, the ones who love you. And I am done pretending that it doesn't hurt me. Critizim is what I know you see it as. But honestly? It is so much more than that! You've never physically hurt me, but that's the only thing I can say about you.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Everybody tells me how much I'm like you. How much I look like you. And it hurts to have to hear that. Because I don't want to be ANYTHING like you. You aren't an example to me anymore. Your not what I want to be. I used to look up to you. But you blew that. I trusted you, I thought I could believe in you. But you changed. And if effected me. You don't know that I know. That added to why I can't trust people.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

So what do I have to do? I have to hide my emotions. I can't cry, you only find that as weakness. Everytime you call me fat, tell me I'm stupid, tell me I'm irresponsible, it just pushes me farther and farther away from everybody. And you don't think there is anything wrong with what you do or say. So long as you are listened to. Like you are so damn perfect. Dream on, because that isn't the truth.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Want to know why I fall for the worst guys? Because I search and find guys like you. Guys that appear nice and caring, but down underneath it all only hurt. So how am I suppose to get any better? I expect to get treated like "mental, stupid, country hick trash." That's what I feel like. And that's your fault. Because you don't lift me back up after you knock me down. You leave me down there and expect me to get up myself. But I can't.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I thought the reasons why I can't let go of that horrific date were because I wouldn't let it die. But no. You want to know why I relive it? Because you scare me. And when I'm scared? It all goes back to that day. So I keep going through living hell every day of my life. I can't let go of anything that has scared me, because you leave me scared, worried, depressed, and feeling worthless. So tell me, did you ever care? Or did you actually change? And how could you have changed that much?

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
Over the same damn thing

I have to deal with all of your mistakes. You only think of what you want. So I have to hide how I feel from everybody. You are somebody I should of been able to run to when I felt scared. But your NOT! And nobody else has figured it out. Mitch did. Of course it would be Mitchel L Barrett to see how much you hurt me. He saw me crying on the inside. How much I changed because I was afraid of you, because I had to live a nightmare. But you don't. And nobody else truly does. I told Nickel, but that was only because I had nobody else to turn to. Two people know how much you hurt me, but nobody else ever will.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Maybe I don't tell anybody because there is nothing that they can do for me. As I try to make myself forget, I know I will never ever forget all of it. How can I? And another thing. You made me scared. Hell, you will continue to til the day I finally can escape from all of this and never have to turn my head back your way if I don't want to. Nobody but Mitchel and Nickel will ever know who you are, or the fullness of you hurting me. I'm afraid, and I will be for a long time. And it's not because you ever physically hurt me. You did enough tormenting, mental, and emotional torture and abuse on me to last a life time. Nobody can ever make up for that, least of all you.

Because of you