MY LUCK

An inch is a small distance, a small and ultimately infuriating distance. I tried to jam the over-sized soft drink into the cup holder only to confirm what my eyes had already told me. Just slightly too small around to accommodate the super-fucking-you-don't-need-a-drink-this-large cup that was actually 20 cents cheaper than a smaller size.

I had no choice but attempt to perform the inevitably lethal game that was my attempt to hold the drink between my legs. I knew this to be a poor decision based on the heat I could feel seeping into my thighs and dangerously close to very precious and heat-sensitive material. The flimsy and transparent cover to the drink revealed that their promise to fill the cup to the brim was all too serious, small amounts of the lava sloshed out the perforated center of the lid. The rising steam delivered a serious warning that I didn't ignore but, seeing no other option, I simply had to accept the risk and drive with my junk at the boiling beverage's mercy.

The tender balance was cautiously maintained as I pulled out of the gas station and attempted to rejoin the stream of cars going well over my standard of exceeding the speed limit by a modest five miles per hour. Unfortunately I had to make a left turn onto this road and my view of the right side was partially obscured by the high hedges and signs advertising the goddamn drink threatening my livelihood. I had to crane my neck forward, nearly pressing my nose to the glass of the windshield, to see the cars flying by me. I could feel my neck crack as I snapped it left and right to see if I there was a large enough gap that I could pull into the veritable waterfall of cars.

Two other cars, both massive minivans, had pulled up behind me after filling their gas tanks to the brim so that they could make it all the way to their children's soccer game in time for the little half-retarded things to trip over themselves and score exactly zero points. I wondered how smug the women must feel when the life form they shat out actually kicked the ball somewhere. They could have kicked it out of bounds, it hardly mattered. All cheering and "positive reinforcement" because a little damn humility might harm their precious minds.

The minivan behind me apparently mistook the horn for some form of positive reinforcement because she began sounding off again and again. I had, in my mental absence, failed to notice the large gap in the cars flying by. The pause was due to a light having mercifully switched many miles down the road after another minivan sat its fat ass on the activation panel. I had never figured out exactly how those panels worked, some sort of magnetism I'm told but that really tells me nothing.

The woman behind me had some sort of spasm as she began demonstrating all sorts of hand gestures that her children wouldn't be permitted to see until they were at least twelve or so. I saw her frustration at my immobility and I began to savor it. I pantomimed some sort of paranoia at pulling into traffic while I watched her raging in my rear view mirror. I imagine she thought my left blinker to be some sort of taunt, or at least that's how it played out in my head.

Apparently tired of my trolling, the volvo-driving soccer mom steered the tank she was in around the side of my car and jetted into the road. She flipped me off as she went past, I waved back just in time for a large Semi to plow into the driver's side of the fat minivan. Volvo's safety record wasn't standing up to that kind of collision. I wondered if she was driving to go pick up her kids or if she had them in the van with her... did she even have kids?

My jaw was hanging open, the other drivers had virtually stopped around the shredded metal and shattered glass that littered the road. I slowly pulled out from the gas station and began driving away from the scene behind me. I saw the truck driver hoping out of the semi as I drove away. I swerved a little bit to avoid the scrap of metal that had somehow flown several hundred feet away from the crash. As I swerved the flood gates of the cup between my legs opened as the lid popped free and a wave of coffee hit my crotch.

Just my luck.