Jake Cantwell, Space Lawyer??

by E.A. de Moya

Copyright 2009

It was a courtroom all right, although it was not your run of the mill, wallboard and florescent light box with a plywood bench, tables and chairs. Maybe it was the floating eyeball shaped cameras, or the large 8-foot tall green asparagus with tentacles next to Jake that reminded him that he was not in Wichita getting criminals off hard time in exchange for soft time picking up garbage along I-135, or suing a neighbor for having a tree or fence that offended and impaired the rights of his client. Not to mention the wills, demand letters and general all around disputes he handled as a solo practitioner. The room was nearly empty but you don't have many people, if he could use that word, in this situation, at preliminary hearings, so that was some comfort. That is if there was any “comfort” to be had here. It was just himself, “Gus” as he had taken to thinking about and calling the green monster asparagus next to him and the floating “thing” to his left across the isle. How did I get here Jake thought? Why him?

Early this morning, the day started out as clear as the water in the Bahamas, Jake hoped to be in, by this afternoon. Jake had gotten up very early to finish packing for his long awaited for vacation. Jake had the TV on to check traffic and weather. There was an alert noise on the television that caught his attention. He had looked up to see, large cigar shaped objects hanging over various capitals around the world, and an announcer voice saying, “Stay in your homes. Everything is going to be fine. We come in peace. Do not shoot at us. We don’t like that.” Jake had smiled, and thought, “I haven't seen this one yet. Must have been made while I was at law school. I’ll have to rent it later.” Jake pressed the channel change button to find a news station and saw “Fox News” on his guide. Now the “Do not shoot at us.” message was scrolling across the bottom. “Cable must be wrong.” Jake thought and started to change channels, but every channel, had the same or similar pictures, with different announcers talking. Jake sparked up his laptop and opened Google News, Yahoo news, MSNBC, Foxnews, and any other web site he used to stay current. The same pictures were on these sites with headlines like, “Aliens Arrive” and “We are Not Alone” and “MSNBC Exclusive, Republicans in League with ET World Domination” on them. Then there was a knock at the door. Nothing could possibly prepare him for the site an 8 foot tall green flashing asparagus like being, with tentacles, standing at his door. There was a large cube with an open door several yards behind it on his lawn. Jake did what any brave respectable officer of the court would do, he screamed, slammed the door and dove for cover. “Mr. Cantwell I presume?” said an electronic voice from the direction of the doorway. My name is 514372$%713, and I am here regarding a delicate matter involving the human earth race. Hello?”

An hour later, Jake was still hiding behind his easy chair, violently shaking as he yelled at the door from his room. “We are being sued for what? Make sense please.” The voice said, “In law, defamation is the communication of a statement that makes a false claim, expressly stated or implied to be factual, that may harm the reputation of an individual, business, product, group, government or nation. Most civilization, yours included, allow legal actions, civil and/or criminal, to deter various kinds of defamation. We got this off your global information network. Something called Interweb. Reputation is invaluable when you must function in a group Mr. Cantwell. This is a most serious matter. I assure you, I nor any other Galactic Forum member will harm you in any way and you will be fully briefed on the case if you will but come with me. ...........Your sun, by the way, is wonderful. I congratulate you on your good fortune in having it. Mine is dull red and isn't as nice and stimulating.” “Uh..thanks.” Said Jake. “I am being buttered up by an alien.” said Jake aloud. Better not say butter again Jake thought. “Can you at least come out front Mr. Cantwell? I promise to back away to the conveyor.” Jake got up, went to the window slowly and glanced out his front window. He saw that true to his..er its statement it had backed away from his door. Jake old boy, how often do you get to see a real alien and not just the motion picture kind? Jake thought. With his courage in tatters, he opened the door.

“There you are. Greetings from the Galactic Forum Mr. Cantwell. That paper on the ground in front of you is yours. We come in peace. Right this way if you will.” The door to the room behind the alien opened silently. “Nope, nope, nope, not going to make it out. Jake thought as he slammed the front door again and dove for cover. “Oh goodness, Mr. Cantwell, we were doing so well.” he heard from outside.

An hour later, Jake found himself standing, uncomfortably next to his alien guide inside what appeared to be a room. He had, at the insistence of his alien host quickly dressed in a suit and tie. “Are you below optimum temperature Mr. Cantwell? You are shaking.” Jake looked over to see a pattern of lights undulating over Gus' main trunk. Must be quiet where he comes from, thought Jake. “Just a little overwhelmed by all of this. Where are we going?” Jake asked. “West coast of this continent, United States Nation, California state, Barstow locality.” “What’s happening?” Jake asked. “Wait, we are going to Barstow California? It will take forever.” “Here we are Mr. Cantwell. Please follow me.” The door in the room opened to a the front of a building named “Barstow Courthouse Law and Justice Center.” Jake asked, “ Wha..uh..how does this room move so fast?” Jake asked. “Inertia can be canceled within a small field. Its complicated and not my area of expertise. Basically if you get rid of inertia, you can move very fast with low energy cost.” Said Gus. Wonder if they have patients, thought Jake. “Then what is your area of expertise?” asked Jake. “Various alien species including...human earth. Now no more questions until we get inside.” In they went, the shaken lawyer and the green alien vegetable handler.

Jake remembered the “Introduction” he was given once inside. The Galactic Forum was a group of sentient beings from many worlds. They traveled between worlds quickly by way of folds in the space between areas. This was because the universe was “malleable and plastic” and not consistent, whatever that meant. Intergalactic travel took hours not centuries. They could negate the effects of inertia and gravity; transform matter so waste was converted back to food or other items as needed. As long as you didn't lose matter, you were assured that you could breathe, eat etc. on the trips. They told Jake that during this dispute time, no harm would be permitted on “human earth” as they called it. Wouldn't look good if we cooked ourselves while the Galactic Forum was here. They had laws, in fact many laws. Each civilization's laws were respected and compromise was used when there was a conflict in fact, law or interpretation. They had ownership, and currency. Wars did not break out between the member states. Earth was to be approached to participate since it had discovered that light was not a limiting factor in speed in recent obscure physics experiments. It was all the best parts of every science fiction story, movie or radio play he had ever heard. It was too good to be true, and it scared the crap out of him.

Then the other shoe fell and they explained the problem that Earth faced. We were, mired in a dispute with Yyilax whomever that was. Earth it seemed has been accused of defamation against several species, specifically Yyilax. The dispute was being taken care of in the legal system. This is what passed for intergalactic war in the Forum. By the Forum's laws, local system laws and customs were, with certain compromises, to be used to resolve the disputes. The compromises focused on the overall goal of a quick lasting, peaceful dispute resolution. “What if we just want to be left alone?” asked Jake. “Why would you want to do that? Well I suppose you would be left alone. But you would know we were here and so you know you aren't alone. We can't replace the dental paste once extruded, to use an human earth statement.” said his alien host. “Tooth paste back in the tube.” Jake said. “Why are we in Barstow?” asked Jake. “Why not?” said Gus. “Under Galactic Forum rules you have been granted license to operate in the entire human earth area, including its solar system space. That is once you are sworn in.” Flashed his host. Jake Cantwell, Space Lawyer???? Jake's ego loved the idea for about two seconds, but not the reality.

“Why choose me? I am just some lawyer from Wichita. Why not involve the political representatives of the world?” Jake asked. “Because this is not a political problem. Those will come if human earth can join the Forum. You are not permitted entry while under legal challenge. In fact Mr. Cantwell, the chances are that human earth will be awarded as a protectorate to the Yyilax in victim re-compensation, if you should lose this matter, or maybe just part of it. As to the matter of why you, you were the first lawyer we found. Over the past few hours we have received millions of contacts by members of the legal profession all protesting your choice. So energetic they are. The fact is, that you were the first.” “You are shitting me. I have only been practicing for four years.” said Jake. “I am not, ah.. doing that.” said the 8 foot Asparagus and it flashed repeatedly but made no vocal sound. “Its an expression.” Said Jake. “Oh goodness me.” Said the voice that was Gus.

“I quit. Uh... please.” said Jake. The 8-foot alien just sat there. “You can ask, but the court will most likely not grant you leave to do so Mr. Cantwell. Also, there is the matter of the cost of delay. Your whole planet, and a large portion of the Galactic Forum's activities are effectively under hold while human earth's situation is being resolved. I am afraid you are of limited choice. However, as stated, you can plead your status with the court.” “How can all of humanity be my client?” said Jake. The cost of losing this case was too much for Jake's survival instinct. “They are watching us now Mr. Cantwell if you need to address them, do so.” “WHAT? The whole planet is watching us now?” Jake seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown. “No, no, no Mr. Cantwell, only the major countries, outposts and the three astronauts you have in that spacecan in orbit.” It is not possible to reach every member of human earth. There are tribes persons without the technological means.....” Jake interrupted Gus, “Just?? Just? Just, most of the planet and three astronauts?” “Yes and three astronauts.” said the 8-foot alien while pointing a tentacle to an all white eye ball floating against the far wall. Jake didn’t remember seeing that before. There was a high-pitched sound in his ears at that moment and Jake felt like he was standing naked in front of everyone. “Mr. Cantwell, helo..Mr. Cantwell?”” Flashed his green companion. “You seem..ah distant?” Without a word, Jake gathered himself up and said, staring straight into the all seeing white eye. “ For the record I want it understood that I have not sought this case and, and, and, will seek to have another appointed. A better lawyer, more representative, experienced. I do not.. I do not.... I will be in further contact at a later date thank you all for your attention.’ Jake turned to Gus and said “I would like to go home now.” Jake was on the verge of screaming, but swallowed that down.”

“Ok then, raise your appendage hand and repeat after me.” and the alien, right there in front of the entire human race, minus a few obscure tribes, recited the lawyer's oath but covering “defending all human earth interest.” “I do.” said Jake. “Then lets get you linked in.” said Gus, and with that, a tentacle reached out from Gus and touched Jake on his neck. Jake jumped back. “What was that???” Jake screamed. “Calm Mr. Cantwell. It’s just a link print so we can ease communication and so you can access data you need. It will take a few period hours for you to get access. It is like a high technological tattoo, nano circuits and such, well it’s not my area of expertise you see.” Jake sat down and missed the chair he was aiming and hit the floor. This is not the way he wanted to start his vacation. “Get up, get out. Get up get out,” his mind kept screaming at him.

Now here he was late that day, California time, in court for a prelim hearing. He was looking to his right at a little green man in a flying, well really silently floating, saucer at the table next to him to him. Jake mustered up some courage. “Hi ya.”, Jake said to the floating fugitive from a 1950s movie “Jake Cantwell, I don't believe we have met.” Jake started to approach the floating saucer, the little occupant turned and bared a row of needle sharp teeth, and Jake stepped back. A chattering noise started to come from the little pilot. “Gnorf is laughing and is amused,” a monotone but human woman's voice said in his mind. It was like hearing narration on the fly and will take some getting use to but he had been explained to him that such was needed for him to get the flavor of events and not just a dry translation. Another voice blinked into his mind, apparently coming from Gus “Mr. Cantwell, that’s not someone you can introduce yourself to, at this time. Maybe later.”

“You” A new voice said apparently coming from the saucer man, “dirtbeing” Jake turned to look at the little green man, “ Take me to your leader” and Gnorf barred his sharp grin again and chattered. “Gnorf is laughing” said the narrator voice. “Be at ease Mr. Cantwell, his race hasn't eaten sentient beings since joining the Galactic Forum.” Gus flashed at him. “ Nice to know” said Jake. “Attention please direct your attention to the front and be heard by adjudicator Xill of the Galactic Dispute Resolution sector.” the narrator voice said, as a shimmering being of brilliance, quiet human in shape, entered the room and sat at the judges bench. Adjudicator Xill, looked female, but Jake had no idea if that was the truth or that it mattered. Jake had the feeling that he had been in the presence of her race before, and more than anything in this room, that made him the most upset.

Xill began to quietly sing a pleasant song, or it sounded like one, but the sound made no real words. “Mr. Cantwell” a new voice in his mind said. Female, definitely female, Jake concluded. “You have been briefed on this matter and understand that this is a preliminary hearing on the alleged offenses your race is accused of committing.” Jake said “No your,” Jake stumbled for a word “Honor? I do not understand, and cannot hope to obtain a fair hearing under these circumstances. I am not qualified to represent a race of people when they have not chosen me.” This was Jake's only hope at ducking a case he would not wish on his Grandmother, may she rot in hell, slowly. “Therefore it is with great regret, I request I be excused from representation and implore your” Jake fumbled again “galactic er.. organization to approach earth's political leaders on this and any er..extra Earth matter.”

“Your honor” the voice that was Gnorf's said, “We are here in this place, under this being's own system of” there was a pause and Gnorf was staring out at the judge “retribution” Gnorf continued, “and this matter of representation has been settled already. Earth has conducted offenses against YYilax and other beings and as a living representative of his race the Cantwell is as qualified as any to defend his race. If they ever hope to get the protection of the Galactic Forum, the question of its offenses under its own laws must be resolved.” “We urge no..” “I agree Gnorf, and rule as such” sang Xill cutting short the little green man. “Then your honor I request an indefinite continuance to discuss this matter with my client and prepare a proper defense.” Jake said. Jake had to pull out the plan B card to see what the situation was here on Earth, and get his head around representation on a global scale. “You have three moon cycles er months Mr. Cantwell. We will make communication with your representatives possible but I remind you that this dispute resolution will go on and at that time we will start reviewing evidence. Do not take this time to waste Mr. Cantwell.” “Your honor three months isn't..” “This hearing is closed” Xill said abruptly and she glided to a stand and walked out the back to the Judges chambers.” “Look on the bright side dirtbeing” he heard Gnorf say, “If you win you can be recompensed from the entire planet. If you lose, then maybe I can use you as a pet-servant for my issue.” Jake glared at Gnorf. Freaking b movie monster. Jake thought. “Gnorf bared his teeth. “Gus' voice said, “Mr. Cantwell, I will now take you to your leaders.” Jake heard the chattering from Gnorf again. “Gnorf is laughing and is amused.” said the narrator voice.

Jake had been transported to New York City in a room that moved. That’s it. It just moved, and he was there. Gus had explained to him that one of the benefits of Forum membership would be that under proper supervision, humanity would get to explore the technology that made the Galactic Forum so strong but more importantly knowledgeable. “Why are you telling me this?” said Jake. “You can't hope to understand what you have to win if you don't understand what you have to win.” Gus flashed at him and his voice said. “By the way, Mr. Cantwell.” “Jake. You can call me Jake, it will make me feel better if you do.” “Jake then. You can call me 514372$%713.” Jake knew he was starting to lose his mind now. “How about Gus”, flashed Gus.” Jake stared at him embarrassed. “Yes I understand your nickname for me. Humor is not the province of any being but one of the shared core sentient concepts.” Gus flashed. “Well I meant no offense.” said Jake. “Besides I don't eat asparagus.” he said under his breath. Gus flashed on and off. “Gus is amused,” said the narrator voice. Jake's head was splitting now. “We go to your leaders.” Gus' flashed.

It was very late in New York. Chaos ruled the Security Council but all became silent in a few seconds as Gus, Jake and two Great Danes with helmets uniforms and metal sticks with glowing balls on each end in their mouths walked in. The Dogs were at the door when they had approached, and Jake didn't have the nerve to ask Gus what the heck they were about. Jake approached the head of the council room table and sat down in a chair at the head. “Hello I'm Jake Cantwell, and I am your ........ ah.. lawyer in, ah.. “Yyilax vs. Earth.” Silence continued. “They are the flying saucer people?” Jake continued in hopes that someone would respond. Suddenly a voice said, “The People's Republic of China does not, and will not recognize you as its representative in any matter.” Now another voice started up, “We have been over this and we don't have any choice” and another voice said, “We believe this is a trick by imperialist infidels of the United States and by Allah's grace it will not stand.” “The United States is as much a victim here as any..” then the chaos began anew as representatives pointed, pounded on furniture and shouted at the top of their lungs. Jake put his head down on the table and closed his eyes, listening to this go on for about two hours and then he heard Gus' voice asking him, “When are you going to start your meeting Jake?” Jake raised his head and said to Gus “never” and stood and walked out, listening to the chaos continuing behind him. He, Gus and the two Great Danes exited through the same door they used to enter. Jake had to suppress an urge to pet one of the Danes. Somehow he didn't think it was the right move. “Where to now Jake?” flashed Gus. “Home” was all he could say.

Jake exited the “room that moved” a few moments after entering it and was standing with Gus, outside of his house in Wichita. It was quiet and the breeze blew across his face. Jake closed his eyes and wished it all away. For a second he believed it was all some joke, or at least, god willing, a mental breakdown. Maybe he was insane in some padded room. What a pleasant thought. Then he opened his eyes slowly. Outside the door stood two more Great Danes with the glowing ball sticks. “They are there for your protection.” Gus flashed. “Are the Yyilax, Yyiaxians, ah after me? I thought there were rules..” “No not the Yyilax. Please don't say that about them Jake. Its protection from your people.” Gus interrupted. “Dirtbe..er humans?” Jake asked? “Lets just say that you could use some control on your calendar,” flashed Gus. Jake walked to the door and it opened by itself, which gave him quiet the start. “That’s not supposed to happen.” He turned and said to Gus. “Yes I know but its ok.” Flashed the large vegetable. “If you need me, call and I will be here in a few moments. It is time for some nutrients. You will be pleased to know I will be trying some of your local bovine offal for the second time. Our nutrients experts say it is very nutritious.” Flashed Gus excitedly. “Take this time to get your plan together Mr. Cantwell.” and Gus backed away in that glide way he moved. “Enjoy your crap bath.” Jake said under his breath. “Gus Is amused and laughing” said the narrator voice. “You have the end week rotation to yourself. See you Monday rotation.” Flashed Gus. “Weekend off, thank god.” thought Jake, and he grabbed the door handle to his home and walked in. His phone was ringing. His old answering machine was blinking at him. He kept the old machine so he could screen the client calls he received. He pressed the messages button. “You have 999 messages, 997 marked urgent,” said the machine. Jake pulled it from the wall and threw it on the ground.

A few moments later the phone started to ring again. He picked up the receiver, “Hello?” said Jake. “Mr. Cantwell?” a voice said. “Yes? “ Jake said. “Stand by for an important call from the Office of President of the United States of America,” said the voice. That’s what I get for breaking the machine, Jake thought. There were a few moments and a click. “Cantwell, this is General Hull of the President's Emergency Staff, how are you doing son? We have taken over this line and your cell. The media will not bother you anytime soon.” Said the voice on the end of the line. Finally, the military, let them handle this. “General! Please tell everyone that I didn't want this job. I never asked for it and I never will.” said Jake. “Can’t you do something about this? “We checked you out Cantwell; you’re either the smartest spy or just some dumb lawyer the aliens picked out at random. Frankly, everyone but the CIA director, based on your records, believes the later.” “Well I don’t care what others think, General. If you think I’m a spy, get me off this case and deal with them yourselves. ” Take it easy son, those of us that matter with the President, know better. Frankly, we don’t have a choice.” It’s only been over a day since they showed up and the world is starting to calm down.” “You will be happy to know that we knew they were coming. We just could not do anything about it.” “You are wrong,” said Jake, “That does nothing to make me happy.” “Look Jake, can I call you Jake? I don’t have answers to half the questions you are going to ask me. All I can ask is that you take a deep breath, and listen to your client’s wishes. Hold…hold on a second Jake. I’ll be right back.” Before he could complain there was a click and some government helpful hints started playing over the phone. “Did you know that the military has over 2,000 different carrier paths for civilians just like you? To find out more go to /cvilian/root%20/1283254&&, Your Government

Works!” A voice said over the phone. “Yea I bet space lawyer isn’t listed.” Jake thought.

The voice of General Hull returned. “Jake, what’s important now is that you pick your assistant. The aliens have told us that you can have your pick of one. I was hoping you would agree to have me as your legal assistant. You can't step down but you don't have to be alone on this one. After all I am just a Harvard law grad. I didn’t stop being a lawyer just because I became a General you know.” Jake said nothing, stunned. “Jake, right now the President does not need another General. What good is a General now? Besides there are things we know that you don't. He has given me leave to resign my commission and join you.” Jake stood there, holding the phone, silent. “You don't have to go it alone anymore son. Hello? Jake.... the Calvary is here.” Said General Hull finally. Jake realized he was being handed a possible way out. “Get out. Get out. Get out” his inner voice screamed at him. “Oh thank god! Yes, yes, yes, General, you are hired.” said Jake. “Not General, Jake, its Mr. Hull now. You can call me Burt. I’ll come by Sunday morning around 9 and we can catch up. For now, talk to no one. Your neighborhood has been cleared and cordoned off so you can get some rest. If you need anything, food, whatever, tell whoever answers your cell and you will have it. I have to go now and make last minute preparations.” “But how do I get in touch with you?” Jake asked. “Just pick your phone and ask for me. You have a human monitor on the line all the times. We can talk tomorrow.” With that, the line went dead. Jake hung up the phone and took a shower. He needed sleep, and food.

He ordered a pizza, ate most of it and got ready for bed. Amazing how hungry you can get in the middle of an alien invasion. But try as he may, Jake could not sleep for more than a few hours that night. He watched TV and saw show after show on the day’s events. Every clip he saw seemed to show him missing that dam chair, or interviewing someone who claimed to know the “real” him. In one case his pizza deliveryman from earlier was telling the world his favorite toppings and that he was not much of a tipper. His first grade teach was on CNN saying little Jake wet himself at least once while in her class. He switched off his TV in shock, but stayed in his lounger. It was 5:15am. He closed his eyes a moment and heard his doorbell go off. It was light outside. 9:15am his clock said. “Jake? Let me in please.” it was General Hull's voice outside his door. Sunday already??? He had slept there all day Saturday. Jake opened the door and Big Burt Hull walked in. He was dark haired, 6 foot five inches tall and lean. “Guess I have the couch.” He said. “Go clean up and we can have some breakfast. You look really bad.”

The days that followed saw Jake and Burt Hull working together, frantically, to understand the basis of the lawsuit against Earth and prepare a defense. This, was coupled with the occasional visit by Gus, who in addition to knowing “The General” as he called him, began acting more and more peculiar. “I think he is getting high on our sunshine. He has never been here this long before. Just a few minutes at a time really.” Said Burt. “We should have motions, witness list, document discovery, counter motions and hearings,” said Jake. “How can we be going to trial in three months?” “We are holding up a large part of the Galaxy Jake.” Said Big Burt Hull. “Besides we have a some inside information that makes this pretty straight forward.” Burt Hull plastered a fake smile on his face. “You see Jake, they have been watching our broadcasts, radio, television, it’s all there for them to figure out.”

“I did read the compliant.” Jake rubbed the mark on his neck where Gus had tattooed him with the data link. “They are pissed because we portrayed similar aliens in the movies as evil creatures. But they are just movies, no one created them to smear any aliens. Its not defamation, its just fiction. So we didn’t intend to harm any, er the saucer guys.” Jake paced his living room. “That’s the best defense we have and I can’t see why it would not work.” Burt Hull stared down not saying anything. “Burt..hello?” “Well that’s what I wanted to tell you. But the fact is that the secrecy act prevents me from... Well it’s a death penalty offence…” He stammered. “What secrecy act do we have involving aliens?” Jake asked. “Well it’s a secret Jake.” Burt Hull said. “Hard to have a secret law about aliens when you publish it, and it’s a dead give away with the word, “alien invasion” in it so it was passed and not published. No law against passing an unpublished law Jake.” Burt Hull finished.

Jake closed his eyes. Every hair on Jakes neck went straight out on end. He didn’t like this conversation at all. “Yes General????” said Jake. “Ok sign this Jake.” Jake took the paper offered by Burt Hull, and read the title. “United States Secrecy Act- Alien Data and Statistics” On the bottom it said version 5.6-2009, original version 1947. “What’s this?” Asked Jake. “It took a long time to get my friends and contacts at the CIA, NSA, Pentagon, …er the other really secret agency I can’t discuss to…” “Stop…Stop…Stop… what is this?” Jake asked. “In English please.”

“Jake, you sign that and give it to me, and I can let it all out.” “It …all..out Burt, or should I say General?” Jake signed the paper and Big Burt Hull quickly folded the paper and put it away. “Ok Jake here we go, first I am still working for the President. Just because I’m a lawyer right now doesn’t mean I stopped being a general you know.” “No kidding. I never really believed you weren’t. Do I look that stupid General?” said Jake. “Look Jake, this will work faster if you let, me let this out and THEN you make your smart ass remarks and ask your questions.” Said the annoyed general.

General Big Burt Hull began explaining to Jake a story worthy of a science fiction hack writer that no one would ever believe. He began by saying that a few years before world war two, at a top-secret conference where representatives of England and the US, met with an unknown “agent” of another power that gave the leaders something to think about. See for decades or even more the aliens er.. “Yyilax” had been observing Earth and picked this time, when the allies were about to face a fight against the axis forces gathering strength, to come forward. The “saucermen” as they soon became known by representatives, gave a warning as friends of the coming war, and wanted to lay the groundwork for direct open, and mutual interaction with humanity. They could not help openly but after the war they did want to start the process of interacting with humanity. In exchange, knowledge, trade, and other worlds would be humanity’s post war birthright. But how do you introduce an alien race to a shell-shocked world? The British representative had said “slowly” of course. “So in their wisdom”, General Hull stated, “they agreed, in secret, on a publicity campaign. That’s why you see all these comics, books and movies involving aliens and spacemen coming out around that time. But like so many things we do, we got it wrong and soon other than in a few examples, the aliens become monsters and horrors for man to fight against to survive. It’s all really a miscommunication,…. really. The Yyilax, took things a little personal but we have been able to keep things calm, that is until now.” Hull dropped a cd on the counter in front of Jake. It was a new mega group called “The Bug Eyed Alien Brain Suckers” the album was titled “Coming to probe you soon.”

“That CD has sold 12 million world wide and they are on a world wide tour. The U.S. Army kind of is sponsoring this tour to help its image around the world with the kids. By the way, that copy was given to me by the Yyliax representative you saw in court. He said that we were damaging their ability to do their work in their own community and were considering actions against the earth. We figured it would be military and we could sue for peace, get all kinds of intergalactic aid, but it was, unfortunately, in court. We didn’t see that coming. I guess they weren’t kidding.” Hull stated and looked at Jake who stood there staring at the CD with his mouth dropped open. “So now you know most of the whole truth Jake, but you can’t use this in any way without disappearing off the face of the earth. There was debate about telling you this, in Pentagon and other circles, since it means that we knew and even sponsored this activity. The Yyilax, are right in their action Jake, but we didn’t want you to give up so we waited until now. The fact is we are culpable here. I just thought it was fair to let you know since this is all on your shoulders. We think they knew there was a real chance that we would make this er mistake from studying us, but we have no proof really. I think it was a set up Jake. Jake? Jake are you listening? Jake?” Hull continued.

Publicity campaign? Trying to get humanity used to the idea of them? Miscommunication? It started to dawn on Jake that he was being set up like a bunch of bowling pins on tournament night. His neck itched where the tattoo link was. He head swam as he listened to “the General” drone on and on. So that was the deal. That’s what smelled, and it smelled really, really bad. As bad as cow offal. The government got suckered by a bunch of intergalactic con men er things out to take over “conservatorship” of Earth without so much as a firecracker being lit off. “They don’t think we can win,” Jake thought. If you can’t fix the problem, better affix blame that was the US Government’s motto all right. Now, Jake was the fall guy for the worst screw up since the Titanic advertised it was unsinkable. Imagine what the other countries might think if they figured out that the US Government was conned into a slander and liable suit that could cost them all several trillion in earth assets and resources. The productive output of a planet or at least most of it. Why, I bet the little space buggers are set up to sell us back our own food, for resources, land and work.

What was that noise, Jake thought. Oh yea, it was the sound of no noise at all. The General had stopped talking and was now looking at Jake with a squint. “Haven’t you heard a thing I have said Jake? Hello Jake? Earth to Jake what’s your game plan?”

Jake looked at the General and said, “First I am going to get a beer, second, I am going to stop playing this like a stunned gasping fish on a dock wondering where the hell he is, and third you are fired. No hard feelings General but I just figured out why you are here and I don’t play that way.” “Common Jake, you can’t fire me and you know it. Quit playing around.” Jake thought of Gus and called out loud, “Gus the General is fired, please come get him out of my home.” With that the door to Jakes house opened and the two Danes came walking in, glowing sticks in their mouths. The smaller one growled. “Where did he go” Jake heard. “Straight back here, he was just waiting for you to lead him out.” Jake said. “Ok ok I’m going.” The General said with a smirk on his face. He stopped in front of Jake and whispered “Now you have this mess on your head entirely, thanks buddy.” At that time one on the dames nudged the general with the end of a glowing stick. Sparks flew where it touched, “Hey watch that fido, I’m going, just wishing my buddy the best.” “See ya afterwards Jake. Jake Cantwell, the man who lost Earth to the saucermen.” The general said as the front door closed.”

Beer, food, conniving, what to do, what to do.

The trial day came and Jake was, for the first time in months ready to get this done. For weeks Jake had drafted and redrafted. Searched and yes researched the law of multiple states and finally agreed on his risky, all out, last ditch effort to prevent humanities economic slavery to the alien menace. He was like the lone starship fighting against impossible odds. Jake chuckled, who was he was fooling. In this case the alien menace was fighting on his turf and had no idea what they were facing. Jake wore his best suit, well the only one he had that really fit well. Amazing what cutting pizza from your diet can do for your weight. He looked over at his opponent only to find him looking back, with a smiling row of razor sharp teeth. The voice, which appeared to come from his Yyilax opponent in his head said, “Game over man, Game over.” : Gnorf, the Yyilax representative is ..” “yea laughing I get it” said Jake before the narrator could finish.

“Gus was there on his other side, as “special assistant to the human” flashing to himself, or at least it seemed so. “You ok Gus?” Jake said. “Humm, still thinking about yesterday, but I’m here to help Jake. Can we talk afterwards about the North West corner of your back yard? I wanted to talk about a place here to put down feet.” He said in Jakes head. “Roots you mean” Jake said. “Humm don’t remind me.” Said Gus and he went back to his flashing.

The court was called to order and the judge floated in casting a white glow over the entire court. She said, “Are both counsel ready to proceed with “Yyilax vs Earth? “Yes your authority Yyilax is prepared.” The little monster said. “Yes your honor, Earth is ready to er defend itself, but may it please the court, we have an administrative motion to perform before we begin and I beg the court’s indulgence for five minutes off the record.” “Your authority knows that delay is only delay, the day is here and Yyilax does not agree to delay more than the segments requested by the dirt beings, Erath beings.” “Its Earth not Erath, Jake said.

“Very well Mr. Cantwell and (Unintelligible), please assemble in the back behind the swing portal aperture.” The judge said. A few seconds later Jake, Gus, the Yyilax, and the judge were all in the back judge’s chambers. Dark wood with what looked like three inches of varnish covered the entire room from ceiling to floor. Every surface glowed in reflection of the light emitted from the judge. She floated above the desk, which seemed natural for her somehow. “Proceed Mr. Cantwell.”

“Well your honor, I felt it only fair to announce this before the trial started so that my opponent would not be surprised unduly and of course in the interests of respect for your honor’s position.” Said Jake. “What is this, Dirt Being, be quicker.” “Yea” Gus said “I can’t hardly wait.” “Attention” the judge said suddenly glowing more dim and yellowish, “The ground is Jakes Cantwell to speak.” “Well your honor, since we are here in chambers, and off the record, can we close the cameras and recorders down, because this will not be easy for some of the parties to hear.” “YES PLEASE.” The Yyilax representative said, “Can we move forward?” “Very well, recorders and cameras down. Now then you have us here, what do you intend?”

Jake pulled a folded stack of papers out of his pocket and handed a stack to the judge and Yyilax representative. “Your honor, Gus, er, Yyilax, I wish to inform you, off the record, with our intent to file a counter suit, if you will, against the Yyilax protectorate, comprising some 1300 systems, and assorted outposts, under a class action.” Jake said. “Those are affidavits from several hundred earthlings describing trespass; stalking, abductions and assaults of what we believe may be of a sexual nature. You will also find a metallurgical report of parts from a craft that crashed outside of Roswell New Mexico that was, uh, obtained from a kind of neighborhood watch group, that we believe, and will seek to confirm, will match Yyilax spacecraft. We believe there are many more incidents from other countries that we can document as we get the lawsuit class of plaintiffs certified. Well your honor, because of the potently explosive nature of these violations against innocent Earth humans, which we will be publicly announcing this very day, I thought that, out of respect to this court and my distinguished uh Yyilax, I wanted to let you know.”

Silence permeated the room like a dense fog. Jake looked at the Yyilax representative and said, “My compliant is drafted and ready to file, today.” Jake paused to let that last remark sink in. “Well I can see my time is up, thank you your honor, and I am ready to go back on the record and being recorded immediately.” Jake finished. “Uh point of request, Yyilax requests delay of today hearing because of…you cannot win with trick human we will have your Earth and this…” “Silence.” The judge yelled, now a dark yellow in color. “I have stated, that delay will not be granted further. Cameras and recording is active now. This meeting is closed; court will be reconvened in ten-minute segments. Exit through the portal.” The judge said.

Jake, Gus and the Yyilax Representative, began exiting the Judge’s chambers in to the courtroom. “Human. Human, we must talk” Jake recognized as the Yyilax representative’s voice in his head. “Jake, we must talk to our mutual advantage. Perhaps we were (unintelligible) in this campaign.” Continued the voice. “Jake we must talk? Well that’s a first.” thought Jake. Jake turned on the Yyilax representative. “Drop your suit, drop it, because you have pushed so hard for speed, and warned of delay and trickery by me, that even if we both wanted more time, the judge would not grant it. Whole groups of systems are waiting for this case, there is no way we can avoid moving forward unless you unconditionally agree to drop the case, on the record. We have what, seven minutes left before the judge starts the trial?” Gus’s flashed, “Six minutes Jake” said Gus’s voice. The Yyilax representative bared its teeth at Jake, (Unintelligible) you to defend against Yyilax case.” Jake heard. “Try me you fugitive from a bad science fiction show. To quote a famous human, “Nobody ever defended anything successfully, there is only attack and attack and attack some more.” Said Jake.

“All being attend, and be heard.” A voice sounded. “Guess she is early.” Guss said. “Court is now open. The people of Yyilax will start their case. Speak opening please.” The judge said, now back to her bright white glowing. The Yyilax representative hesitated as he floated back to his position at the plaintiff’s table. “Your judge, and those present, the people of Yyilax will seek to prove that the Human Earth population’s authority representatives did…uh…did…” he stopped in mid sentence. After a time, the judge said, “Yes representative?” The Yyilax, representative started at Jake, “Yyilax withdraws its complaint in the interests of relations with Earth Humans.” Jake stared back into the Yyilax’s eyes, “We further agree that the withdrawal is permanent and will treaty with Earth Humans so.” “All business being concluded the case of Yyilax v Earth is closed.” The Judge said.

A smile crashed across Jake’s face. Although there was no cheering in the courtroom or building for that matter, he knew Earth was exploding in cheer, well at least everyone but General Hull. “Gus, about that northwest Corner of my yard, I have a deal for you. Let’s discuss this on the way home.” Jake said. “Wonderful Jake, and congratulations on the win. How did you know they would back down?” “Well your reputation is imperative when you deal with interstellar groups. Win a planet, or lose 1300 systems. He, er the Yyilax couldn’t risk even losing part of it.” Jake said.

Gus continued, “Stroke of genius quoting General Patton. I am sure he would be proud. How did you know the Yyilax representative had met him?” Gus asked. “I came across a record in the archives that General Hull gave me access to after my secrecy oath. Seems that the only Yyilax to ever be actually physically struck by a human was the Yyilax representative there. Patton was later ordered to apologize, but told Truman, that he would rather draft an attack plan of Earth’s forces in an all out battle to the death against the “little green bastards” and Truman said, no reason why you can’t do both.” All this time I was thinking of how I could defend humanity in a “no win” suit when I should have been doing what I do best, attack, attack, and attack some more.

Several weeks later, Jake is home watching television shows of the continuing global party. Far from react badly, humanity had taken quickly to the idea of a golden age of trade, science, and interstellar travel.

Jake sees General Hull being interviewed on some news channel. “Well we are all indebted to Counselor Cantwell, now the real work on getting humanity integrated into interstellar life begins. The United States has been asked to take a leading role in negotiating for Earth. One lawyer on one case will not determine our interstellar history or destiny.” Hull droned. Was that an extra star on his shoulder? “Gus we have company coming.” Jake clicked off the TV. Gus glided in from the back yard and hovered in the living room. “Thanks again for selling me the place Jake the inside is yours whenever you need it. I think the Oak in the northwest corner likes me. Oh, yes I see that the General is outside, but he only just arrived, how did you know he was coming? Did he call you?” “He is here to threaten and gloat.” Jake said.

There is a knock on the door. “Open” Jake says and the front door opens, new technology indeed. The two large Great Dane guards are watching General Hull with interest. “Come in Burt, nice star you have there. Whoever dies with the most stars wins right.” Jake quipped. “That’s General Hull to you Cantwell. I got your invitation in the form of your “billing” request. You don’t think we can or will grant this do you? What does a smalltime lawyer like you make an hour?” “General Hull, that wasn’t a billing request in that I am “asking” for that. The bill was approved by the court, which you and the UN agreed to let handle the dispute instead of a costly war that humanity would likely lose. That’s a billing request expecting “payment” within 60 days.” Jake said.

“The Moon and all rights and privileges thereon.” General Hull read. “Jake, you already have a book deal, movie deal, an offer from a billion eligible women to marry you or just be your love slave, a international holiday, an interstellar space depot being named after you, and an endorsement agreement with every major company on earth and some off Earth. You even have the first interstellar law firm, ever, and are receiving requests for representation from beings in another dimension. “Isn’t that enough for Jake Cantwell?

“Jake love, you didn’t tell me of a visitor. Greetings General Hull, we haven’t been in each other’s vision since the start of the case.” Sang Xill the judge floating out of the back bedroom. She was glowing a sunny warm yellow.

“In a word Burt, no, it isn’t.”

THE END

Be sure to look for Jake Cantwell’s next adventure in “Earth vs. Earth”

18

Copyright Eric A. de Moya, 2009.