When Love Got In The Way

She sank to her knees, clutching the eggshell colored parchment paper to her chest as the tears silently slid down her pale cheeks and fell against her breast, just above the lace trim of her peach and ivory dress. She didn’t have to read the letter again, each word had burned itself into her mind—into her heart as she repeated them silently.

My Dearest Catherine,

I know these past few months have been immensely difficult for you and for that I am deeply regretful. I never meant to cause you such despair by confessing to you my true feelings. I know that our friendship has been a long and true one, but I could no longer keep the love I felt for you inside and with each passing day, I felt as though I would die if I did not tell you how I truly felt.

But now I am filled with a small portion of regret that I did not keep these thoughts—these feelings to myself and just cherish the time we shared as friends. Now I feel the only thing left for me to do is leave, yes go abroad, for I cannot bear being this close to you, and not be able to see you. Maybe, in time, you will either forget about my confession and maybe even our friendship, or you too will grow to realize that what we shared was more, much more than merely friendship and know that you love me too.

I hope this letter finds you well and that you will take my words to heart. May you always be blessed and find the happiness that you so richly deserve.

Love forever and always,

Your Thomas

“Why? Why?” she whispered against the parchment paper that was now pressed to her tear dampened lips.

It is true that she and Thomas had been inseparable for the past several years as they had grown up living on the English countryside, their family’s estates side-by-side, and she had found great comfort and joy in the happy times they had shared.

On many occasion, they would take long country walks, or visit neighboring homes together as companions—as friends. But she had never let her guard down to hope for anything more, afraid of the hurt or rejection she might encounter, and most of all the fear of losing the friendship of her Thomas.

So here she sat, on the wooden floor of her room in her parent’s home, her lovely dress splayed out around her feet, feeling something much worse than rejection, for now she felt as if her world had been ripped from her and her heart was utterly crumbling to pieces on the floor.

It was true, what Thomas had said in his letter, it had been difficult for her the past several months, ever since that fall afternoon, walking with him under the sycamore trees on the lane between their homes, when he nervously confessed that he was in love with her.

She had blushed and gasped and felt ill all at the same time, while somewhere in the deep recesses of her heart—her soul, she wanted to believe him and confess the same, but she had long since denied these very feelings to a point that she could not trust herself to know what she really felt, so she just told him she needed some time to think things through.

The look in his blue eyes that day had been so heartbreaking and ever since that day had been a constant source of bad dreams. Almost every night she would awaken in a cold sweat, screaming his name, as she saw his eyes—those deep blue pain filled eyes staring at her in her dreams.

But now, holding the letter written with his own had, did she truly realize the magnitude of what they meant to each other. As she felt the emptiness in her soul, she knew that he had been a part of her all along, but she had been too foolish to accept this, and now was paying the ultimate price.

“No. No. My dear Thomas, don’t leave me,” she cried aloud.

She heard soft footsteps, but could not muster the strength to move, as she felt the weight of loss and grief crush her to the floor on which she knelt and it wasn’t until she heard a soft voice that she pulled herself back to a semi state of awareness.

“Miss Catherine. What is wrong my dear? You look as though you have been vexed by a ghost. My dear. What is wrong?” the servant Mimie asked, as she knelt beside her.

“I have lost not only my truest and dearest friend, I have lost the only man that I will ever love. I have lost a part of myself Mimie. Thomas is gone,” she whispered to the servant, and felt the harsh and painful reality of the situation as her words came back around to her own ears.

Slowly extending her hand, she placed the letter in Mimie’s and her hand dropped to the floor as she felt like she had nothing left to live for. Sinking lower onto the floor, she lay her head in Mimie’s lap and sobbed into the servant’s apron.

Mimie stroked the hair of the young woman with one hand and dared to read the private message as she pulled the letter into plain view. She sighed and a silent tear trickled down her own cheek as she looked at the lifeless young woman crumpled in her lap.

“Oh my. Miss Catherine, why didn’t you just tell him how you felt? You knew that you loved him too. You’ve always known. I’ve always known. It was there in your eyes all along,” she whispered, bending low to kiss Catherine’s soft brown hair.

“You mean....you mean...it showed and I could not even find the right words to express my true feelings to him? Why did he not just look into my eyes then Mimie, and see the truth? Why must love be so difficult and painful?” she sobbed.

“My dear, when one loves it is the most beautiful thing God has ever given us, but it can also be the most difficult to express at times, especially when you are as close as you and Thomas have been. You know. The best kind of love is that which grows from friendship. That is the most special and natural kind of love.”

“And I have lost both my friend and my love,” Catherine said, as a new waive of tears flowed from her tightly closed eyes.

“No. Miss Catherine where there is love—there is always a way. Come on let’s go. I’ll call for George to get us a carriage ready and you get your hat and cloak. Come, get up. Let us hurry,” she said, pushing Catherine up into a sitting position.

She wiped the young woman’s eyes with her apron and smiled at her. Catherine could see the wisdom showing her Mimie’s face and she felt a sudden burst of hope and energy. She smiled, wiping the tears from her lips and pushed herself up from the floor.

The hallway was long, but soon she was at the cloak rack, putting on her things and getting ready. She still wasn’t sure what the plan was, or where they would look, but she knew they had to hurry and so did Mimie.

Within minutes though, George had a carriage ready and even offered to drive them. Mimie had filled him in on Catherine’s heartbreaking dilemma and he too wanted to help. So the three of them set out to the first place they would search for Thomas, that being his parent’s home.

When the door opened at the estate and Catherine was finally able to speak with Thomas’s mother, she could tell that she too had been crying. She told Catherine that Thomas had decided to travel to Ireland and was taking the first ship to sail there. He had left that morning.

Catherine hugged Thomas’s mother and told her she would find him and that if it wasn’t too late, she would bring him home. Then she and Mimie got back into the carriage and George prodded the horses forward.

The faster they went, the more Catherine’s heart pounded. Her mind wandered over the endless possibilities of what today would bring. And she kept focusing on the worst scenario that being if she was too late to stop Thomas from leaving, and was left alone with just the memories of the wonderful times they had shared together and the thought made tears again drop silently from her now weary eyes.

As the three travelers neared the ocean, Catherine could smell the salt water and hear the call of the gulls. Her heart now ached at the lonely sound the birds made as they went about their daily routine out over the water and on the nearby shore.

The carriage passed many others, as they came into the bustling area near the port. As the carriage slowed, Catherine and Mimie looked out of the tiny window and saw a large ship with its massive mast looming high above the vessel and Catherine hoped and prayed that this was the ship Thomas was to take and that they had made it in time to stop him.

George pulled the carriage into an open spot near the dock and told the ladies to wait while he inquired about the ship. They held onto each others hands, but didn’t say a word as they watched him make his way toward the ship. He talked with several men along the way, each one pointing in a different direction, until he had finally disappeared and they were forced to wait in silence.

When George returned, he informed Catherine that this was indeed the ship and that it was due to sail at midnight. She looked at Mimie and the two smiled and Catherine felt a small bit of hope surface once again.

They opted to get a bite to eat at the inn near the dock and then would come back to wait. The likelihood of finding Thomas in the crowded streets was slim to none, so she would have to wait, until the passengers began to board to look for him.

It was difficult to find an appetite, but Catherine managed to get down some broth and toast while they waited. She offered to let the other go back home, but they insisted on waiting with her. After they ate, George took the horses to a nearby stable to be fed and watered and loosened from their harnesses for a while. Then the three of them took a stroll along the dock and down to the shore.

“I am terribly sorry for the trouble I have caused you both, but I am so glad you are here with me,” Catherine finally said, after a long while.

“Think nothing of it Miss. We are like your family and besides, George and I have not had a day off in a long while. Right George?” Mimie said, elbowing the older servant.

They all laughed and continued with their stroll. The day wore on and soon the sun began to set. Catherine was now getting antsy and paced too and from. They wound up back at the inn for their evening meal tea, but again Catherine could hardly find it in her to eat.

As the night pressed against her and the moon rose high above the water, Catherine did not let the exhaustion of the day bother her, she had to find Thomas and that was all that mattered.

She and the others went back to the dock. George had retrieved the horses and he and Mimie sat in the carriage while Catherine made her way in the in the silhouetted night to the wooden entrance ramp of the ship. She stood there waiting and watching as the passengers began to board.

There was much activity as the crew readied the ship to sail, but still no Thomas. Catherine’s hopes began to falter and she was now feeling the effects of her strenuous and emotional day. She leaned against a post that held on oil lantern and felt like she had this morning only now those feelings of loss were coupled with guilt, for she knew she could have prevented this day if she had only listened with all her might to the heart that beat within her.

“Are you looking for someone?”

Catherine’s heart fluttered at the sound of a familiar voice and she looked up to see Thomas coming toward her with outstretched arms. She couldn’t believe that he was standing there, moving closer with every breath she took and then at last they were together.

His arms encased her and she felt the burden of all her sorrows lifted. She had buried her face against his chest, but he slowly pulled away to look at her, the beams of moonlight softly caressing her face and illuminating her features.

“I have been waiting on you most of the day. I had to find you....to tell you....Thomas you must come back. You must come home,” she spoke with a quivering voice.

“Why? Why should I come home only to cause you misery? I cannot bear to see you different from what you have been all these years,” Thomas said softly.

“But you must come back. You must come home. Yes I am different, for today I realized that I love you more than anything and I always have, I was just too foolish to see it. Actually I was afraid of losing you if I dared to admit it, but you see that almost caused me to lose you anyway. I love you, Thomas. I love you,” Catherine cried and searched Thomas’ face for a sign that she wasn’t too late.

“I have waited so long to hear those words fall from your lips. I love you too, Catherine, but I will only return home on one condition. That is if you will marry me. Will you marry my Catherine?”

“Yes Thomas, yes I will marry you,” she said, as their lips met and he pulled her into his arms.

It was evident that the two people who had been together for so long, as friends, had finally found each other that night as lovers and would soon start the new journey of their life together as husband and wife.

George helped Thomas retrieve his things and placed them atop the carriage, then they all climbed inside. George turned the horses toward home and Mimie smiled as she watched Catherine curl up in Thomas’ arms and fall asleep. They were finally together and everything was as it should have been all along, before doubt and uncertainty got in the way.