Lately it seems that I hate all of the good memories of him, and us. Lately it seems, that they have been hurting me more than the worst possible ones. He and I, were once inseparable. His home, always was warmer than my own. And once upon a time his clumsy hand attempted a smudgy, sketchy portrait of my face. It was cherished, but not nearly for long enough.

There once were times, in fact perfect times, when we would sing, and dance, and laugh. And if ever I would cry (which was quite often) he would be there to hold me. If ever he were to cry (which was quite rare) I would kiss his moistened cheek and deliver unto him the warmest hugs that I could give. He'd let me steal his warmest sweaters on those coldest winter days so I could feel the love in his arms, even when he was so very far away.

We'd climb up trees and roll down hills and get bloodied and bruised together. He was truly the brother I never had, and I, the sister he never had. Sometimes, at the very best of times, he was Jude (if only I was his Lucy) then we would fall in love in flourishing fields of wild strawberries! But all those days have passed us by, and it simply isn't fair that I must sit here in this poorly upholstered chair. I sit and type and type and drink and sit and smoke! I've lost so much more than sleep while remembering him, and us.

Today I see him there so happy, so fucking happy without me! And I will die a thousand deaths before I ever learn how to forget that day. The very day and very moment that I realized I had really lost him. It was in that awful moment that I caught him, mid-stare. Completely lost in her sun lit locks, sky blue eyes, how easily he drowned in them. A smile spread across his perfectly flawed teeth, in such a way I've only ever known him to flash during true, uninhibited joy. It's been so long since I have seen that smile. So long that I've lost track of the days, the weeks, the very months in fact. But there he was, his heart out pouring from that giant smile and across the room onto her soft pale skin.

It was then that I felt, and I mean really felt the void. Vast, empty, and rapidly growing inside of my chest. Boiling up out of my heart with every aching beat: anger, jealously, bitter rage. But most of all a painful acidic sadness that still is flowing through my veins just as I write these words today. It was in that moment that I knew I would never again roll down hills with him, or climb up trees with him, or steal his warmest sweaters on the coldest winter days.

It was then that I knew, I mean I really knew, that I had lost the best friend that I had ever known, the boy I fell in love with much too late. And most of all it hurts to know that he has found someone that fills his void so perfectly, because I know that I never, ever will.

.'.Winter.'.