To Move Away

I sat here silently, staring out the darkened window into the night. There were no sounds to be heard in the cramped house that I had come to love so dearly. All my life I had lived here, never before moving or leaving for a worthy amount of time, now everything was different though. Our house wasn’t our own anymore and we were being forced to move. I was afraid, but I did not want to admit that, not even to myself. So many times before I had said that I wanted to move, and it was true. I did want to move but at the same time, I did not want to loose such a precious place, such a precious memory.

This place was my home, no matter how I hated it or how I loved it. This house was my home; it has been all my life. I was afraid to move on into the future. I was afraid to move forward in a new place with a new home knowing that I would never again see this place in which I had spent so much time.

I would miss the swing set in the backyard, the blue carpet in my room, the red walls in the bedroom upstairs, and all the little places that brought back memories.

I still remember one Christmas when mom and I had to go up in the attic to get the tree. I had never been up there before and had never seen the cramped area of the house. At least, I couldn’t remember ever seeing it before. The memory isn’t clear anymore, but I still remember wondering what was in all the boxes there – I never did find out.

The memories of playing in the back yard with my dog Duchess, to whom we no longer own, the memory I have of us together is special. Why you ask? Its simple, it’s because I have but one memory left of her, only one. It’s the most important one I believe. All the other memories of our time together have long since faded away.

My front yard in the winter, snow covering the ground, I still remember when I was little, my two best friends and I would go out front after the plows went through. We would try and build an igloo. We never finished, our hands froze first, but we had such a grand time. Those were the days to remember.

I hope that it will snow this year for me. I want to be able to look out my bedroom window and see my front yard lit up from the light off the moon reflecting off the newly fallen snow. It’s a beautiful sight that I haven’t truly appreciated in years.

In the summers before now my friends and I used to go bike-riding up and down the neighborhood. Sometimes without the knowledge of anyone besides ourselves we would go outside the neighborhood. We used to go to the baseball park or the swings. It was all down the bike path in what we would call the rich people section. It’s kind of a funny name considering the people that live in that section aren’t rich. To us they were though. There house were so much bigger, pools in most of their back yards, and nice cars to boot. Their entire neighborhood was nicer then ours and so we called them rich because to us, they were rich. To us, they were richer then we would ever be.

The tears that fill my eyes at the memories are starting to bring me pain. It hurts my heart to know that once we move I will never again come back to this place. I will never see this place again – of that I am sure of.

For years now I have said that I wanted to move and it’s true. That’s how I feel, but I am afraid of giving up all of these precious memories that are slowly trying to fade away. My mind is uneasy and so unclear now. Memories that I should remember are slowly fading away. I try to hold onto them, to cling to what I feel is important but they are moving further and further out of range until I can not remember them at all.

I don’t want to loose my only link to the memories! I don’t want to give it all up! Still, I am afraid of this house. The uneasiness and fear that fills me when I sit here alone in the quiet, darkness of the house pushes me away. I remember things from my past that I wish I could hide away in the darkness of my heart.

Things that I want to remember I find I no longer can and things I want to forget are what haunt me over-all. I hate this house, I do! Still, I can not let go of the pieces that still live here within my soul. The pieces of this house that bring back the memories I hold so dear. If I leave, those memories will fade away. I can’t hold onto them on my own. I don’t know how to anymore.

In my heart though I want to move and I want to be able to start a new. I want to move on and I feel, no, I know that once I get away from here, once I am free of this place completely I will be able to move on. I will be able to push forward without fear or regret. That’s what I want to believe.