System shutdown, feeling awkward and odd and worried. Sleepless flickering dreams with my eyes wide open and my body tired and awake. Drama closing in, surrounding me with nothing I've ever appreciated.

It's like a part of me is missing. And in a sudden, unwilling shift I am sinking into the memory of those ever-changing seas in your eyes, oceans of thought and light and shadow. Missing the safety, the surety of being silken and trusting everything I am in the depths of your love, my faith in you unshaken and unbounded by anything I've ever felt before.

Your hand on my throat, my reckless demand for that certainty in my own feelings.

My mind shivers.

I know the feeling - fear, my snickering brain whispers at me - and it confuses me at first, and then I know why. I am afraid of nothing you, and that is what frightens me.

It's all in the turbulence and annoyance and lack of rest. It's all in the memories. It's all in everything attacking me in subtle ways when you're away and everything (everything he is not), safety and trust and gentle-painful-sweet-love and the taste and smell and feel of everything you surrounding me.

I love you, and you love me.

So I brush aside my stupid butterfly winged-thoughts again and remember you.