Lonely

The magnitude of the words he had said was unknown to me. Even though I knew there was a different meaning to his nonchalant behaviour, I didn’t bother to know much. We weren’t very close, yet there was some kind of undefined expression in what he had said. “Take care of yourself, all right?” As perplexed as a normal person would be, I had merely answered in a nod. He called me his best friend, and I believed him. Anyone in my place would. He was always lonely, and he hated that feeling. I was always surrounded by people, and I hated the attention. I hated being a part of the crowd.

This boy had all I wanted, to be alone. But he never rejoiced in the wonderful feeling of being lost in thoughts. I guess that was the reason why we became friends. He knew how to give me what I wanted without even interfering or asking ‘why’. I wonder why he was always so understanding.

As he was walking away, I had imagined him saying some words to himself from which I could only make out, “I’ll miss you”. He was leaving. I knew that he could make it, and he did. But now that he was gone, my days were going slowly. They never ended. When he used to be around, I used to think that time is against me knowing him more. And now that he isn’t with me anymore, it seemed as if time was delivering its vengeance. I used to sit somewhere for hours, thinking. Being lost in my thoughts. But when my mind grew more conscious, I used to realize that only a minute had passed. No matter how much I tried distracting myself, it always led me to thinking about him. But the problem itself was there. I wanted to distract myself from him.

Then there came a day when reality seeped back into me with a sudden gush of pain. I was given what I always wanted – to be alone. I had realized that my wish before would have been futile. How could you be alone when your own definition of being known was what others call ‘lonely’? Being lonely meant unhappy because you have no friends or people to talk to. I never had any friends, so I never realized that I was lonely. And now that I missed the only person who mattered to me, I knew. I knew why he hated being lonely. I missed my best friend. I finally understood why he was leaving, why he had left. He wanted me to feel what he had felt all his life. His hidden emotion was that of apology. Regret. He had already apologized for the pain I had in my heart now. No, this would not have hurt so much if I loved him – if he was my lover; it hurt so much because he cared so much that he was going through the same pain. I felt lonely – that was it. Feelings. All I could do now was cling on to my memories of him and think of the line once said by someone: Life is a comedy for those who think, and a tragedy for those who feel.