It’s 3:45 and I hate you.

I sit here in agony, watching the minutes slowly tick by.

“Why can’t I just die?” I think to myself.

I glance up slowly.

You’re staring at me again.

I look back down at my test which I’m supposed to be correcting,

Which I failed the first time because I was thinking about you.

Number 15: What is cytokinesis?

“Who really cares about biology anyways?” I think and continue staring at the clock.

3:50. Ugh.

Why does time trickle past so leisurely when you are near?

Why do the seconds feel like minutes,

And why do the minutes feel like hours?

None of it makes sense.

Hesitantly, I look up again.

You’re staring at me again, but this time, trying to be more subtle.

You’re looking at me out of the corner of your eye.

At that moment in time I felt the urge to lunge across the room and slap you,

But also to return the stare and smile.

Yet sadly, I had the courage to do neither.

I return my gaze to my test.

Number 16: What is the function of the nucleus in a animal cell?

A new thought pops into my head:

“What is the function of my heart anyways?”

Already knowing the answer, I laugh once quietly, and you begin to stare at my face full-on.

In my most scientific-sounding tone, I state:“The function of my heart is to be a black hole, sucking in every opportunity of love I can get.”

Love.

Ha.

That didn’t exist for me anymore.

Not since Jason.

He stole every last bit of love I had.

He kept it all for himself, and when we broke up, he blamed me for screwing HIS life over.

And with that thought, I was snapped back into reality.

4:00 now. Question number 17.

What is ATP?

“Who gives a shit?” I think as I bubble in a random answer.

With that, I began to drift back into the pit of memories that existed inside my mind, when I was abruptly shaken back into reality by a tap on my shoulder.

It was him. Great.

“Hi Janie,” he said “Can you help me with number 15?”

“NO,” I thought, “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!”

But my lips formed other words.

“Sure,” I said through clenched teeth.

“Ok, well I was thinking that the answer might be C because…” you said,

But I didn’t hear the rest.

I was too busy staring at your perfect face, studying your ever-so-perfect features with a the precision of a scientist studying his test subjects.

“Umm, Janie? Are you ok?” you said, and I realized I had been staring at your face for way too long.

“I’m fine,” I said “Number 15... I think it might be C.”

“Ok, thanks” you said, and swiftly stand up and walk back to your seat.

As you left, I suddenly felt an emptiness grow inside me.

Why do I love you?

This is a question I have asked myself so many times before.

And so many times I could never come up with the right answer.

I have contemplated whether or not I might be mad.

If I should be pinned up in a strait-jacket and locked away forever in a dark room,

Waiting to snap out of the madness.

Glancing at the scars on my wrist, I remember how close I had come to insanity in the past.

But that was all over now..

I hoped.

Suddenly, remembering the biology test I was supposed to be taking, I glimpsed at the clock once more.

4:10, and question number 18:Describe the process of cell replication.

“BAW-ring.” I think, and sneak a quick peek at you.

And to my shock, my relief, my disgust…you’re not staring at me.

You’re chatting with Candy..

But this is not just a simple, innocent conversation.

I strain my ears to hear what is being said, and in your voice I clearly hear,

“So, are you as sweet your name says you are?”

And you wink at her.

There are no words to describe the bubbling, steaming, burning hatred I feel for you at that moment.

Furiously, I collect my things and walk over to my teacher, Mr. S, and hand him my test.

I all but ran out of that room.

Walking as fast as I could, I see the glowing numbers on my wrist proudly proclaiming 4:16 PM.

Where am I going?

I walk aimlessly though the halls of Grande Ville High School, trying to slough off enough of my anger to regain some of my sanity.

Once I had calmed down enough to at least think more clearly, I realized I didn’t know what to do next.

I pulled out my cell phone and decided to call my mother.

After a few rings, she picked up, and I told her to come get me.

15 minutes before she gets here.

Wonderful.

What now?

“JANIE!” I hear from behind me, and I turn to see my best friend Amy jogging down the hallway after me.

“Man, was that test hard or what?” she stated with a smile.

Who was she kidding?

She was a genius.

Looking at her made me suddenly feel very self conscious.

Amy was beautiful.

Long blonde hair, stunning sky-blue eyes, and the nicest personality of anyone I’ve ever met.

Jeez.

“Sorry Amy, I’ve got to get going. See you tomorrow” I said and hurried off down the long, winding corridor,

No longer wanting to stare at her oh-so-perfect face.

I walk to the front of the school, past the cheerleaders in their skimpy outfits,

Past the cross-country team practicing suicides,

Out the front doors.

I wait for my mother about another 5 minutes before she pulls up in her little beat-up red Ford and I climb in.

“Hi honey,” she says, and leans towards me to kiss my cheek.

I swiftly dodge the gesture and state “Hi. My day was fine. Same as always. Don’t bother to ask”.

I was abruptly startled by the coldness of my words.