It was raining. I was never surprised anymore at how much it rained lately. It seemed to rain all the time since he left. Maybe it was just my imagination carrying me away, but I believed that everyone was mourning in his absence. We were all dealing with the memories he left with us, our last memories. The past is all we’ll ever have now. I knew it. The town knew it. Even the clouds seem to know it. Rain drop. After rain drop. After rain drop. It spoke it’s had only been three months since his departure. But that was long enough to feel like a life time to me. I sit in the corner of this house by myself, gazing out the window facing the north. I peer down at a large lake and into the dark forest hoping to see his shape emerge again. Hoping to see him carrying a bag full of wood as he always had on Sunday mornings. But this was my twelfth Sunday alone, just as I knew all the Sunday’s to come would be. I had never felt more chilled in my life as I do now. Despite that it was winter, and I hadn’t lit a fire since the last of his wood ran out, I was cold for entirely different reasons. Upon my realizations on this particular lonely Sunday, I felt my heart ice over and break. There will never be Robert again. Robert, my Robert. Gone.

Dearest Jane Adams,Why is it you do not return my letters? I do not wish to hassle you, but you ignoring me may lead me to pop over unannounced for an unpleasant visit! I would greatly appreciate a correspondence. Love, your best friend, Catherine Fowler.

This letter only just arrived this afternoon, so I wasn’t too worried about a speedy response. I would certainly have to write her soon, though. I don’t think I could bear to have company in my state. Though an “unannounced” visit from her means waiting two days upon my reading her letter, then popping right over the next day. I knew exactly when she would arrive. If I don’t write soon she’ll be down here by the afternoon of the day after. I could just disappear, I thought. The idea of her wondering around outside filled my head. She’d be so enraged and would proceed to yell at the nearest window for not allowing her entry! I smiled half heartedly at the image. No, I decided, I shall write her later. Though she certainly never hid her disapproval of me with Robert, she still tried to act like a good friend. And now with Robert gone she feels we’ll some how form an instant bond. But I cannot, and will not, ever forgive her. I cannot fully blame her, though I would like to. True, she began to drive the wedge between Robert and I. And while I know it to be untrue, I still like to believe she’s the reason he’s gone. It’s all her fault, I would say over and over again.

No, I can’t bear it anymore. It was entirely my fault. I was caught with another man, although an excessive amount of drinking that night had it’s effect on my recollections, but Robert swears by what he saw. Disappointed in me in so many ways, he was gone before I could argue about it.

Robert had always been the help of the town--the ‘handy man’ as some called him. Rather popular, and not at all poor. Everybody loved him. I fell in love as soon the chance was provided. When he found me I was in no shape for love. Back when we first met I was a heavy drinker. I began to drink when my father passed away. I was seventeen and he was the only person I could relate to in the whole world. He was, as it were, my best friend. So when he died, drinking took his place. I knew alcohol always had a stronger effect on me than others, and that’s all I needed to know. I wanted to remember father no more. Until he found me. It was a rainy day in the middle of November, the time where you feel winter building it’s strength. I was eighteen by then and found myself on the streets a lot. My mother was still reeling from the loss of her husband that she couldn’t find time to keep up with me. This was exactly where Robert found me. Crying on the streets of Somberton with empty bottles strewn about me. Others walked over me in disgust. He spoke just as if I was anybody else.

“Miss,” he began. Failing at getting my attention he tried again.

“Miss, please do tell me why you are crying in the street like so?”He stared down at me with an expression I dared not try to read. His question, though, had awoken something inside of me. Why had I been crying? I had been doing it for so long I could hardly remember the cause. This only made me cry harder. I glanced at his face to see his unfamiliar look turned to that of pity and sadness. Within the next few moments I found myself curled in his arms and being carried away. He had picked me up right off those miserable streets and into his home. He was only twenty years of age, and a very kind man. I awoke sometime later to hear two men speaking of me out in the hallway. I could only assume it was Robert, and I later realized, a doctor.“Will she be alright?” came Robert’s sweet voice, noted with a mixture of concern and pity.

The doctor sighed and shook his head. Not because she wouldn’t be alright, but because he couldn’t fathom his reasons for saving such a poor wench.

“Honestly Robert, why you took her in, I do not know. She is very unstable and most likely to be dangerous. She has been a loose canon ever since her father died this Spring.”

“But will she be alright?” Robert insisted, ignoring all the rest.

The doctor sighed again but answered his question this time.“Yes, she’ll be just fine. She has just been exhausted and these past two days of rest have been just what she needed.” Robert thanked the doctor as he left. I couldn’t believe the things I had heard that day. Especially about my father. My poor, sweet father. How could I have ever permitted myself to forget such a beautiful friendship we once shared? Being with Robert made me re-evaluate everything. He told me I could stay with him until I could go on my own. He made me promise to never drink again. We soon became best friends. He was the new light to my star less sky, ever since father. We soon went on to being lovers, and he never asked me to leave, so I never did. Nor had I ever broke my promise to him…until that one very regrettable night months later. It was not only the doctor who looked at Robert quizzically. It was all of the town. None of them liked me and they wished me not to poison sweet Robert with my wickedness. My mother finally got over my father at the news of my and Robert’s engagement. This gave her something new to whine about. Jealousy. She was unhappy that I could be happy after her husband is no longer with us. All of Somberton was in uproar at the announcement. All of Robert’s friends told him as soon as given the chance, I would do him wrong. Robert wouldn’t hear of it. He could not see what harm the wonderful women he loved could possible ever do to him. At the time, nor could I. He knew me like no one else could, and I wouldn’t have described us with any other word than ‘perfect.’ Everyone thought me as a terrible girl who abandoned her mother before coming of age to indulge in her own selfish needs, now that the father figure was out of the way. These accusations hurt me more than they could possibly know. But Robert knew. And he felt he needed no reason to justify his engagement to anyone. Though Catherine Fowler felt was Robert’s best friend before I came along. She was not worried at first, and only saw me as a street urchin. His pet project for the time being, some amusement. Once word of us to be married spread, she pounced him until all our most confidential secrets were poured into her soul to keep. She then knew everything about me. As far as Robert saw, Catherine no longer loathed me. I began to believe it to, though at the moment of confession I saw in her face a look of most nasty evil. But it must have just been my imagination. With Robert gone Catherine’s the only thing I have left of him. She did, however, move shortly after he left. She still wrote and spoke to me like a dear friend. It was not her fault for my dishonesty. It was not her fault for my addiction. Nor was it her fault for my almost wedding.

I sat in more misery than I could have ever thought possible as I watched the rain drizzle down my window. I hadn’t let myself remember the past in quite some time. Tears began to overwhelm me. Falling rhythmically with the rain down my cheeks. I want to forget, but I will not break my promise to Robert again. I knew I would have to write Catherine soon. I really wasn’t sure if I could take seeing her in person, knowing she had probably seen Robert. The anxiety, and fear, mixed with dread, all sat inside of me at the thought. I really must get to my writing desk, but I found I could no longer move. In fact, I couldn’t remember when I last left my window seat over looking the forest. Why, I had been here all morning remembering the sorrows I have dealt with. I looked down at the floor to watch a spider scurry by and into a dark corner. I realized then that this had been what I’ve been trying to do all these weeks. Crumble up in a corner and hide, only to come out in the bit of darkness. Is that spider wishing to face his death too? Perhaps his dark corner is his last haven of sanity he has left. Oh, bother, look at me now. Comparing myself to an insect. Why if he was dealing with depression I ought to just stomp on him right now. Being so distracted with the thought I found I had sat up out of my seat and walked to his corner, my foot readily over his frozen body. Though I just couldn’t do it. One fast, clean stamp will put him out of this miserable place. I didn’t kill him out of mercy, but spite. If I were to live here all alone and wishing for death to stamp me out, so will he. That was all there was to it.

Since I could move again I ventured out of the sitting room and into the study where his old writing desk stood. I grabbed a bit of ink and parchment and poised the pen above the paper. This is where I froze. What was I to write? What did she expect me to say? That perhaps I had moved on and fallen in love with the local grocery or something of the sort? Surely I hadn’t, nor had I ever began to think of the possibility of loving another. But I knew this was what she wanted to hear. I sat for the longest moments contemplating on what I should do. Do I lie to satisfy her? Or keep I short and simple without all the dreary details? I pondered on the lie telling again then decided against it. There’s no way, even in a lie, could I say I had found some one else. Not when Robert was still so near and dear to me. I began to write.

Dear Catherine,

There’s no need to come for a visit. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. True, I’m still getting used to not having Robert around, but I’m fine! I promise, my kind-hearted friend! Everyday is a challenge, but it gets easier as time passes by. Maybe I’ll eventually even find someone else and finally settle down. I Fear of becoming a spinster. Yours sincerely, Jane Adams.

I looked the contents over numerous times and decided it was good enough to keep Catherine away. I didn’t lie, exactly. Well, it was enough truth to stay out of trouble. I inhaled the stuffy air and proceeded to mail the letter.

“Please,” I begged the envelope. “Let this ease over Catherine.” Then the letter was sent, along with all the easy feelings I had left. With that very letter, I mailed over what was left of my heart.

The next few weeks passed by in much of the same manner, though I noticed less. Nothing felt the same, though it was the exact emptiness as it had been before. I had become numb. Catherine sent more letters after her threat, but happier ones. She was simply pleased to hear me say I was trying to move on, and she had the perfect man for me to get along with. All her letters went unanswered. I barely even recall opening them, let alone reading one. So eventually Catherine, indeed, came by.

I went into an “automatic” state when she invited herself in. Almost like a human auto pilot. Catherine was never perceptive so she noticed nothing. In fact, she took my silence as nerves.

“When you never responded I cold only assume you were so anxious to meet my sweet friend Teddy,” Catherine gushed. This was news to me. Surely we hadn’t talked of such things over tea? No, that was all quite civil and boring. She spoke, and I gave nods and auto responses. Then I remembered one of her letters mentioning a man for me. Still, upon it being verbally spoken I was switched off auto pilot and into manual mode.

“Dear me,” Catherine giggled. “Why you’re absolutely speechless! This is all very good because I brought him to town with me. You shall meet him at once!”

I could only find myself gazing up at her, with an expression I couldn’t quite give a name. I failed to find my voice.

“It’s settled then,” Catherine said, standing up. “I shall invite myself and Teddy over tomorrow afternoon for tea. Oh, I just can’t wait!” She kissed my cheek and strolled out the door, as if she didn’t just drop the biggest news I’ve had in months on my lap.

I couldn’t call it off, how rude would that be? It’s not as if I had to fall in love with this Teddy character. The Lord knows I need some company. It has been months. Maybe it’s time I have friends over? Yes. That is all, just friends over for tea. Catherine is very dear to me, being the only person I still communicate with. Then why is it I still feel so terribly empty inside?

The next morning Catherine came over at the most appropriate time she saw fit--early. I had been tossing over it all night. I was having a mixture of feelings of dread and longing for it to be over. No excitement. Catherine was invited in, she was all smiles.

“This,” she said gallantly, gesturing to something that hadn’t yet appeared in my sight of view. “is Teddy.” In walked a tall, sturdy looking man. He had brown eyes and shady brown hair at a decent length. His face was handsome, but held no interest for me. I smiled politely and said nice to meet you. I invited them both into the dinning room for tea. I felt the atmosphere would have been terribly awkward if Catherine wasn’t so charming with words, saying things such as this through out the morning;

“Does my dear Jane not have pleasant features?” “It’s a charming house, suitable for any family. I dare say it’s a shame it is to be lived in alone.” “Could you not just see yourself sitting here every morning?”

I wasn’t sure how to stop her when she started going. Her blunt opinions, and obvious set up, was making her happy enough so I never interrupted. Instead I ended up focusing on Teddy for a distraction. He seemed as bemused by Catherine as I was. We smiled at each other as if to suppress a laugh. His eyes seemed to be saying, “isn’t she something?”

“Oh! I just had the most wonderful idea. How about a walk? It would do us all some good to get some fresh air.” Catherine sat up then placed her hand over her head, as if she were about to faint. “But I simply cannot go out under my condition. I am just too fatigued.”

Teddy and I smiled at each other uneasily. We knew what was coming.

“But don’t let me spoil your fun,” she continued. “Go on without me.” She smiled wickedly. I sighed and chanced another innocent look at Teddy. He smiled again and stood up. He offered me his arm casually.

“Shall we?” he asked. I took his arm politely and we walked out of the room together to leave Catherine basking in her triumph.

“Shall we walk about your garden?” Teddy asked, being sure to fill any first moment silences.

“Yes, but mind you, it’s not very well kempt. I haven’t tended to it in some time.” I let my words trail off with a hint of sadness. I could tell he detected it too because he didn’t pry. I was thankful for that. He did, however, fail to keep the silence away.

“I’m afraid you’ve put me off guard,” he began, after a few moments of silence. We turned around the side of the house and he was holding open the garden gate for me.

“I’m sorry,” I said walking through. “I don’t think I understand what you mean.”

“Well,” he said, looking around at all the dead plants. “I was going to try and make this as simple as possible for you. Easy chatter.” I smiled and sat on a bench. He followed and did the same.

“Ah, but nothing is easy when it comes to me,” I replied jokingly. Though we both could tell there was a more serious tone to it then let on.

“I see…but Catherine seems to think everything is so easily done for her. I half expect her to be sending out our wedding invitations soon.” HE chuckled and rolled his eyes towards me. I froze. I hadn’t mean to lock up like this now but the word ‘wedding’ set me off. Almost as if my zombie stage operates on and off with a code phrase. ‘Wedding’ being the main one.

“I’m sorry,” Teddy horridly began. “I thought it was obvious Catherine brought me here to try and set us up. I thought you had realized, too. I…my apologies.”

Then we sat. Not speaking, not even looking at anything. We just sat. I knew I should speak up and tell him I knew what Catherine was trying to do, but I couldn’t. It seemed not doing anything was all I could do to keep me from completely falling apart. I couldn’t even force myself to move away from this awkward situation. Soon enough after, Teddy bravely spoke up.“Look at these plants! Your poor garden. Mind if I take a look at them?” I shook my head with a blank stare, glad I could manage that much. Ten or twenty, or maybe even thirty, minutes later Catherine finally found and joined us. By then I had regained some of my composure again.

“Did you two have a nice chat?--Oh my! Jane, what have you done to your garden? My dear Teddy will just have to come back and help you reconstruct. He simply adores gardening, don’t you Ted?” Catherin said, eyeing us both. During her speech, Teddy made his way back to the bench, where his eyes never left me. He noted Jane hadn’t moved an inch.

After I said nothing about my plants, Teddy spoke up again.

“I think it’s about time we unburden your dear friend here, Catherine.” Teddy stood up, and reaching out for Catherine’s elbow as if to lead her away.

“But we’ve only just begun the day!” Catherine objected, trying to be let go of Teddy.

“Think on this, we have our whole lives to pester dear Jane. But for now, we must make our leave.”

Catherine stopped struggling and stared down at Jane.

“I suppose you do look tired. Get some rest and I’ll catch up with you again soon.”

I never looked up, or said good-bye. I just kept sitting in my dead garden. Everything in my life has turned out this way. When you stop loving and caring for something enough, it’ll die. I’ve died. I will not have Catherine or Teddy over again. I just cannot do it.