Out of the bluE

Welcome to America was all he said before he began punching me in the face. Seriously, that’s just plain wrong.

Amaru Kaneda looked up at the darkening sky with a painful sigh. He was flat on his back in the school courtyard; right where he had fallen after that stupid jock brutalized him. And that had been a little over half an hour ago. Clouds with graying underbellies floated silently overhead. The setting sun cast oblong shadows across the courtyard, across his prone body.

Welcome to America? Well, guess the jackass doesn’t realize I was born here. Guess he does all his thinking with his fists.

His jaw had begun to ache the moment after everyone had left. The laughing, that was the hardest for me to deal with. Amaru opened and closed his mouth slowly, trying to work out both the stiffness and soreness. I can still hear it. He could feel the dried blood at the corner of his mouth and was oh-so-very sure that his pale face had already turned a nice shade of black and blue. They just laughed and laughed while that jock’s meaty knuckles smashed into my face over and over. Amaru moved his tongue all around the inside of his mouth, searching carefully for any loosened teeth. Man. That was spectacularly embarrassing. Good thing that just about everyone I knew was there. Sure wouldn’t want them to miss out on the comedy event of the school year.

Amaru stopped probing the interior of his mouth when he could find nothing that’d been jarred loose.

How many times is he gonna beat me up? Doesn’t my head bruise his knuckles or something? Just what the hell is his problem anyway? Maybe he’s overcompensating for something?

Amaru closed his eyes for a moment and let his mind wander. He could feel the slight chill in the air as the sun lowered into the horizon. The pavement beneath him was beginning to cool, though his aching body still sustained some of the remaining heat. But even that warmth was slowly ebbing away. The day was ending all around him, but he didn’t care. Nothing waited for him at home...well, nothing good. Just his older sister, Midori.

Great, what am I gonna tell her this time? For the fourth time in two weeks I’m coming home with a face that looks like I just called Mike Tyson a pussy. She finds out that I got my butt kicked again and she’ll probably be happy to finish what that jerk-off started. How late is it anyway?

The familiar sound of flip-flopped feet approaching made him open his eyes lazily. The sky had darkened considerably since he’d last looked at it. Or rather, the clouds had. But they weren’t the only thing that hovered over him now. A pale, freckled face framed by long, black hair was now staring down at him. Bright green eyes shined in the dying light of the day’s end while the slight sliver of a smile began to crack those all too perfect lips.

“You know something, ‘A’,” she began, “you seem to be spending about as much time on your back as your sister. Is this some kinda weird family tradition?”

Amaru frowned up at her. He didn’t like anyone implying that his sister was...well, vertically challenged. And Midori was not that short of a woman. She was just...she just made friends real easy. That’s all.

Christ, what am I thinking? Midori spends more time on her back than she does on her feet. Why do I keep trying to defend her?

“You know, it’s getting dark out here,” the girl said. “And I’m not gonna miss another episode of Supernatural because of you. It’s near the end of the season you know. Besides, you already screwed me up with Lost. Now I’m gonna have to wait for the whole freakin’ season to repeat again.”

Amaru’s jaw ached as he opened his mouth to speak.

“Nice to know where your priorities lies, Jen.”

Jen smiled down at him sweetly, perfect lips stretching over teeth as white as clean hospital linens.

“Oooh Amaru,” she purred. “You know that you’ll always be my number one priority.”

Kneeling down casually, she bent forward and gave him a light kiss on the forehead, whispering, “Just not on the nights my favorite shows are on. Now come on, up and at ‘em. Don’t make me take a guitar to your head, little boy.”

Amaru sighed loudly. His stomach was still aching from that well placed knee and his head and jaw weren’t doing any better. Ignoring Jen, he closed his eyes again and stared into that vast nothingness behind his eyelids. Blackness. The Black. Night that stretched on forever and ever without end – without meaning. He feared it, hated it. Much like his life. An empty void that held no true purpose other than to consume. Lifeless and insubstantial. His parents were there. Dead, cold and beyond his reach. It had taken them from him six years ago and he had not forgiven it. He would never forgive it.

A sudden jarring of his face and then a burning sensation on his cheek forced his eyes open wide. Instinctively, a hand went up to his already throbbing jaw.

“Why the hell did you slap me,” he screamed a question up at her, propping himself on his elbows as he did.

His voice echoed loudly over the empty courtyard.

Jen gave him a very odd look as she rose to her feet. Her eyes held his own like water in a cup. He had seen an expression like that before. And it was all to clear what is was. A look of hurt. Suddenly, Amaru felt very ashamed. Afterall, the wounds from their breakup were still fresh – in both mind and body. And here he was screaming at her like they hadn’t been in each other’s arms just four nights ago. His mind was reeling. Why had he shouted at her like that? It was obvious that she was still in pain from the breakup, even if she didn’t like to show it half the time. But at least the pain is real.

For what seemed like forever, they just stared at each other – neither saying nor doing anything. Amaru’s lips quivered with words that wanted to be spoken, but he couldn’t force them out. He wanted to apologize for screaming at her. He wanted to touch her again, feel her skin against his. He wanted to feel her shuddering beneath him. But he wouldn’t violate the promise he’d made to her.

Without reason, Jen smiled down at him. That was something he had not been expecting. It was totally out of the blue. Those perfect lips split and he felt a flush of warmth rush through him. And at that moment, he knew that things were alright between them. She was just being weird again. At least he hoped she was just acting weird. If so, she could be the coolest person in the world to be around. If not...well, he was sure there were lions less vicious. Then again, maybe this isn’t such a good thing, especially with her smiling like that. I hate it when she smiles like that. Bad things always seemed to happen when she smiled. Really bad things. The last time she smiled like that, the boy she’d been dating before me wasn’t able walk straight for a whole freakin’ month...

“I told you,” she began as she offered her hand down to him. “You’re making me miss Supernatural. And I could’ve sworn I saw a big mosquito on your face. You should be happy to have a friend who cares that much. Probably just prevented you from gettin’ West Nile or something.”

At that, Amaru laughed and then winced almost as quickly. It hurt to laugh. Hell, it hurt to move his mouth or the rest of his body. But it felt good. It made everything seem less empty. It made him feel less empty. Maybe Jen’s just being her usual, oddball self. For the sake of my future children, I hope she is.

Smiling up at her, he grabbed hold of Jen’s outstretched hand. With her help, he pulled himself up to his knees slowly. His head swam with dizziness at being on his back for so long. For a moment he remained there, on his knees before Jen. Then he gazed up at her, expecting find that warm and quirky smile still on her face. What he found instead was anything but. Glancing up from her watch, she glared down at him impatiently; that ‘hurry the hell up’ look clearly etched across her slightly freckled face. There was no hint of the smile that had sent so many feelings of warmth and friendship blasting through his body. Oh yeah, I’m screwed. Uri felt his own joy begin to slip away. Why do I feel like things are about to go from bad to worse? Slowly he rose to his feet and let go of her hand. His body ached all over and his stomach was churning with hunger and nausea.

But at least the pain was real.

* * *

The trip back to his apartment was a long and silent one. Jen hadn’t spoken another word to him after they’d left the school courtyard. No doubt her mind was on the Supernatural episode that was probably already nearing its halfway point. Man, she really needs to get a new hobby. She had her hands stuck down deep in the pockets of her denim jacket with her brow creased into a frown. Amaru risked another look at her and got a dark glower in return.

“I told you,” he began in a low voice. “You don’t have to walk me home. You can still catch the rest of Supernatural if you hurry.”

Jen turned her head slowly and then...she smiled at him. Oh crap, Amaru thought as he stopped dead in his tracks. Jen had stopped too; still staring and, unfortunately for him, still smiling. That’s the same damned look she gave her ex-boyfriend before she tried to kick his balls into orbit. Her bright green eyes were mere slits on her face. Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll just bitch about missing the stupid show. For my ball’s sake, I hope she just bitches.

“Catch the rest,” she questioned slowly. “Catch the rest?! You’re kidding right? What part of ‘I’d like to watch it now’ don’t you understand?! I have to be there or I’ll miss what’s goin’ on! How in the hell could you do this to me?! Of all the times for you to get your ass beat, you just had to choose tonight didn’t ya!? I tell you ‘A’, I don’t know why I even give a crap.”

Amaru could only stare. How could he do this to her? He had chosen to get his ass beat? Well that was certainly news to him. He’d always thought that some brainless jock just decided to turn his face into the consistency of raw meat because it made him feel big and bad. Dammit, the girl was losing it over a stupid TV show. Can you say obsessed? Here he was bloody, bruised and battered and there she was throwing a freakin’ fit about Supernatural. Supernatural for Christ’s sake! All at once, the world seemed to make a whole lot less sense. He shook his head and started walking again. Supernatural? Jeez. Well, I suppose I should be happy that’s she only bitchin’ about it instead of place kicking my nuts into outer space.

“Go home Jen, maybe you can catch the credits rolling or something,” he retorted, voice unnecessarily rude.

He had been expecting a slap against the back of the head. More meaningless bitching about God’s gift to television. A quick-witted comeback about his sister’s problem with staying off her back. A sharp kick to the future of the Kaneda lineage. Something – anything – a lot less surprising than what did happen.

“What are you doing? Hey leggo, I’m still sore.”

She had rushed up behind him and wrapped her arms hard around his waist in what seemed almost a bearhug.

“You realize that you owe me right?” she whispered into his ear. “For making me miss one of the few good shows on television.”

Amaru tried to wrench away from her. There was something in her voice. Something that sent a strange tingle up his spine. Something that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. It was much too sweet for anger and much too enticing for friendship. Realization came very quickly when Jen’s hands started traveling downward from his waist.

Oh no, she couldn’t possibly... There had been no bitterness in her voice...only desire. We’re in a damned alley for Christ’s sake! He knew where her mind was now and what was on it. She was intentionally rubbing her breast against his back. Oh jeez, why is she doing this? Was this why she had decided to walk home with him? Had she intentionally missed Supernatural in the vain hope of ‘gettin’ a little’?

Something dawned on Amaru. I bet she was just using missing Supernatural as an excuse. To force me into this, to force me to break my promise. Her hands had stopped just short of his waistline. Great, just freakin’ great. This is exactly what I don’t need right now. Jen’s arms were tightening around the sides of his abdomen. Jeez, what’s her deal? Why can’t she just leave well enough alone? He was beginning to feel as if he couldn’t breathe. But at least Jen’s breast were becoming a very nice consolation prize.

“I can’t breath, Jen. You’re hurting me.”

She nipped at his ear with her teeth.

“But you like it when I hurt you.”

Amaru gasped as she squeezed his midsection tighter. Her arms were like a pair of vice-grip pliers locked around a stubborn nut with a stripped head. He could almost imagine the feeling of her hardening nipples through his shirt. Wait a minute; I’m not just imagining that! Dammit, this is gettin’ waaaaayyyyy outta hand! Was it too much for her to wear a freakin’ bra?! Escape was looking less and less likely. Then again, Amaru wasn’t so sure he wanted to escape.

“Besides, when has that stopped us? Remember that time in the bathroom? And that other time in the kitchen while your sister was drunk and passed out on the couch? C’mon ‘A’, you owe me. You made me miss Supernatural. Just one more time? Please?”

Was the whole world coming apart? What the hell was happening here? She had been the one who wanted their friendship to be strictly sex-free. All of this because she missed Supernatural? Yeah right, and if frogs had wings they wouldn’t bump their asses every time they hopped and…wait a minute… What the hell?! He suddenly became aware of a very familiar feeling. Jen’s hands had begun to travel again, and they were closing on their destination. Oh no, not now!

“No Jen,” he said shallowly. He could barely draw in any air! “This was your idea. I was totally great with screwing you on the side, but it was your choice for us to stay away from each other. You made me promise after that last time and I’m not gonna break it. So let me go. Please.” Dead puppies, think of dead puppies dammit!

Without another word, it was over. Jen let him go and he lowered himself to his knees, wrapping his own arms around his midsection. He breathed in the garbage-stained air of the alley hungrily. His entire abdomen felt like it’d been in a pair of clamps. Man, I’m really gonna feel this in the morning. Turning his head, he glanced up at her. She wasn’t even looking at him. Her eyes were closed. She wasn’t moving a muscle. She didn’t say a word. She just stood there, staring into the back of her eyelids. Staring into the Black. Losing herself in it. Trying to escape.

“Jen?”

She didn’t answer him.

“C’mon Jen,” he said again. “You know what I did was right.”

Her eyes didn’t open but her mouth moved – awkwardly, mechanically.

“I know,” she said quietly. “I know, I know, I know.”

Again, Amaru could see the hurt on her face. For the second time in a day, he had managed to hurt her. His best friend, his ex-girlfriend – his ex-lover. He couldn’t keep doing this to her. Standing up, he moved toward her. Maybe...one more time wouldn’t hurt. For her sake, at least. He raised a shaky hand to Jen’s face. But what about the promise I made to her? And her eyes opened.

“No Amaru,” she said with quiet reserve. Backing away slightly, she turned her head from him. “Go home.”

Amaru pulled his hand back and dropped it by his side.

“Is…Is that what you want?”

When he said that, Jen did turn to look at him. She gave him a half-hearted smile.

“No, but it’s what needs to be done. Right?”

Amaru returned her smile, but he didn’t feel it.

“Y-Yeah.”

Turning away from him again, she started to walk off. The wind had picked up since they’d left the school. Her long, flower-print skirt swished in it lazily. She didn’t say another word to him. He watched as she moved away and continued to watch until she turned the corner and disappeared. He was hurting, inside and out. She was in pain – he knew it – and there was nothing that he could do about. Nothing was making any sense to him. The world made no sense. Empty and hollow. He was. The world was. Nothing seemed real anymore. A slight pain in his temple shook him back to awareness. Looking around, he noticed that he was standing in the middle of a dark alley all by himself. I’d better get the hell outta here before I get mugged or something. Taking one last glance in the direction that Jen had walked away in, he turned and made for home.

Then something dawned on him. There was one thing that was real.

The pain he felt; the pain that Jen felt. That was real.

* * *

The apartment was dark when he arrived. Midori was nowhere to be seen and there was no scent to indicate that she had cooked anything. With a loud sigh, Amaru closed the door behind him and made his way through the living room. His stomach was echoing his thoughts. She could’ve made something. Macaroni, fishsticks, soup. Something. Anything. Amaru walked past the cluttered couch and piles of unfolded laundry. For a moment, he hovered over the untidy heaps of clothing then moved on toward his room. Some chores are better left undone.

His ‘room’ was a small alcove that would’ve normally been used as a closet or some other type of storage space. Not that there was anything normal about his life. Home sweet home. It really wasn’t much to look at. A small air mattress that served as his bed, a few books and magazines, and a pile of dirty socks and underwear. Nothing too spectacular. But it was his. Midori had the only true bedroom in the apartment. Not that she ever left it other than to go to work or fix something to eat. Afterall, she had to make money somehow. And working at that greasy diner just wasn’t cutting it.

But she’s not a slut. She’s just doing it to support me. To support us. Shit, there I go defending her again. Really need to stop doing that.

Amaru plopped down on the mattress. A small hiss of air escaped. That damned piece of tape must’ve come off again. Great. Perfect end to a perfect day. He leaned back uncaringly on the bed. Maybe the hissing air’ll help me sleep, not that I need much help after that beating I got. Kicking off his shoes, he threw his legs up onto the makeshift cot. Well, at least I don’t have to worry about Midori chewing me out.

The pain in his temple returned, making him grunt this time. Lifting a hand to his head, he rubbed at it absently. Closing his eyes, Amaru tried to let his fatigue carry him off to that wonderful place where sheep with numbers painted on their sides jumped fences just for him. The air from the mattress hissed silently, trying to lull him slowly to sleep. The pain kept him awake though.

His temple continued to throb, slow and steady pulses that seemed to gain in intensity. I suppose I should’ve expected a headache sooner or later. Afterall, that was a helluva lot a hits to the head. Guess next time I shouldn’t tell him that screwin’ his girl was like screwin’ the whole football team. Trying to put it out of his mind, he switched his thoughts to Jen. I hope she’s doing okay. The ache in his head dulled somewhat, then throbbed even worse than before.

Rolling on his side, Amaru tried to get comfortable. What was I thinkin’? Hurting her like that. The slap wasn’t even that hard. Man, she deserves better. The pain in his temple became as sharp as the point of a needle. He rolled again, the air escaping from the mattress hissing a bit louder when he did. Why did we break up? What was the point? We still hang out. We still have sex...well, we used to. Not anymore.

Then something caught his attention, something that almost made him forget about Jen and his headache. Amaru stopped moving around on the air mattress for a moment and listened. He was sure that he had heard something. It had sounded like someone bumping into or against something upstairs. Is Midori still awake? But something was wrong. The bumping sound was repeating itself steadily, over and over. What the hell? What does she keep bumping into up there? Doesn’t she know how to...

And that was when the sun of unwanted knowledge dawned on him. Groaning, he rolled over onto his stomach with a slight wince of pain escaping his mouth not too soon after. Midori’s up alright. Up against the wall, against the bed, against the closet door... At least my question was answered. It wasn’t what she was bumping into, it what was bumping into her. Christ, wish someone would just shoot me in the head. The bumping stopped abruptly and there was silence. Jeez, I hope there done. Please be done.

The bumping resumed unfortunately, but this time it was louder and more forceful than before. Amaru took his pillow and placed it roughly over his head. Dammit. Why me? Midori began to scream, short and low at first, then louder and longer with each slam of the headboard – which had replaced the bumping noise somewhere back when he gave a damn about what was going on upstairs. Pulling it down even harder over his head, he tried vainly to drown it out. And if that didn’t work, he was very sure that suffocation would. Jeez, what a damn slut. If Mom and Dad were here...

The pain in his temple returned, feeling like someone had just jabbed a drill into it. Flinging his pillow aside, he placed both hands to the side of his head and rose up to his knees. The pain was pulsing with each slam of the headboard into the wall, each scream that escaped Midori’s mouth. God…it hurts, it hurts. Gotta find some Tylenol.

Rising, he left his alcove and made his way unsteadily across the living room, hands still pressed to his temple. Midori’s screams were getting louder and the pounding of the headboard was seemingly slamming harder against the wall. For some reason, everything seemed much louder than before. Jeez, someone needs to gag her! Why is she so fucking loud?! Is…is he hurting her? God, the pain...it hurts so bad. Where the hell is the freakin’ Tylenol?!

Amaru stumbled into a chair and fell down to his knees. The pain throbbed sharply with both the headboard and the screams from his sister. He couldn’t move. He didn’t want to move. It hurt. Everything hurt. He closed his eyes and curled up into a ball on the floor. The Black surrounded him; cold and empty. And fear swept through the pain and washed over him. Why does it hurt so bad? Am I dying? Jen, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Nine shots to the head. Gotta be a record. I...I... Someone, please help me. I don’t wanna die. Don’t let the Black...

At last, Midori let out a final, excruciatingly long scream and the banging stopped. There was a small moment of blessed silence. And then Amaru Kaneda’s head exploded.

© 2004 Terryll Preston