NOTE: This chapter is going to seem pretty random but it's actually not, it's something I planned on doing. I have to edit the other chapters to make it slightly more predictable though because I think it's a little sudden.

Chapter Eighteen: Loss

I remember waking up in a cold sweat. I had the dream…but this time…this time it was different.

I was standing on the pier, but this time it was day. The sun was shining so brightly I had to shield my eyes. I glanced around and saw Alex standing at the end of it. I smiled and called out to him. He turned around and smiled at me and returned the wave. Then suddenly…everything shifted. Alex's smile waned into this vacant expression, and the sun went away. The wind blew violently, and rain poured on my head. Alex then turned away from me and jumped off the pier.

. . .

I walked toward the door anxiously. Music was audible from outside the room. I banged on the wall. "Alex, open up!" I yelled. He didn't answer, so I banged harder. "Alex!" I yelled louder.

A door opened from next door. "What the hell is going on!" a voice let out from next to me. I turned around rapidly and saw it was Conan. "Michelle?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him. "Shouldn't you still be on vacation?"

It was Christmas Eve. Well, Christmas Day now. I wasn't expecting anyone back until New Years at least.

He rolled his eyes. "My parents sent me here early. Got tired of me, I guess. So what's the problem here?"

"I've got a really bad feeling," I said rapidly. "Something's wrong with Alex, I just know it. You gotta help me get this door open," I told him, panicking.

"Alright, calm down. I'm sure you're just worrying over nothing. Hold on a sec," he said, going back into his room.

He came back out with a key. "We have copies of each other's room keys just in case the other gets locked out or something." He opened the door, and I rocked back and forth on my heels.

"Shit!" Conan let out from in front of me.

He quickly turned around and pulled me away from the room, looking pale and slightly green. "Michelle, trust me, don't go in there."

I thrashed in his arms. "What are you talking about? I need to know if he's alright or not!"

I shoved him aside and made my way into his room, and my blood turned cold… There he was on his bed… blue eyes wide staring unblinkingly at the ceiling…his face unhealthily pale.

From his stereo, I could hear Elvis Presley's voice faintly saying, "Take my hand, take my whole life too/ for I can't help falling in love with you."

-:-

I walked toward him slowly, in a trance. I pulled the plug of the radio out of the wall so violently it landed on the floor and shattered into pieces. I sank to my knees at the side of his bed and raised shaking fingers to his face. I gently touched his cheek, and it was as cold as ice. I closed my eyes and felt tears roll down my face into my lap. He was gone. I sat up and kissed his forehead, moving stray hairs out of his face. His bright blue eyes vacantly stared up at the ceiling above him. I took two fingers and gently closed his eyes. I then leaned over his body and let out a loud sob. I held onto his shoulders tightly. He couldn't be gone, he just couldn't.

"Michelle…" I heard a voice say behind me.

I looked up and saw Conan with red, watery eyes. I got up and wrapped my arms around him. He quickly responded and wrapped his arms around me as well. I cried into his chest, and he rubbed the back of my head as he cried as well. I pulled apart, still in tears.

"W-We've got to tell someone," I stuttered.

He nodded, and I left the room wordlessly. No matter how hard I tried to remember afterward, I could not remember the walk to the main office. All I know is the next thing I knew, I was standing before the glass window with the security guard looking at me expectantly.

"There's…been an accident," I croaked and shook my head. I could only wish it was an accident. "My friend…" I swallowed. "My friend is dead."

-:-

Conan and I sat in Ms. Andrews' office, waiting for her to come in. After the ambulance came to take the body, we had been shoved into her office, and were being held there until she finished talking to the police. I sat there, dazed, until I heard the door open. She walked in slowly and slumped into her desk chair, looking extremely tired and worn out. She was quiet for a moment before clearing her throat and speaking quietly. "Because you were the ones to find him that way, I feel that you deserve to know what happened first. Alex's death was not an accident…it was suicide."

I can't say that I was shocked to hear this, but having it confirmed didn't make me feel any better. In, fact I only felt worse. Someone I cared about felt so much sadness that he didn't think life was worth living…and I didn't even see it. I didn't have a clue. I always used to wonder if that was truly possible when I used to read about it in books or in movies. I thought that friends would always be able to tell this sort of thing. I couldn't have been more wrong.

She continued, "They concluded that Alex died of diabetic shock. He had his insulin right in the drawer next to him, he knew exactly when to take it. There's no way this could have been an accident."

Diabetes? ADD? How could I not have known? Diabetes isn't exactly something that can be hidden. You can't eat certain foods, you have to constantly be checking your sugar with meters…how could I have missed this? I looked at Conan, who seemed to be facing a similar round of shock. It was silent in the room. We were left to digest what she had said. I couldn't believe it.

"Did he leave a note?" I choked out, shaking my head.

She picked up a piece of paper from her desk. It was a loose-leaf piece of paper with Alex's perfect neat handwriting. She began to recite:

Antigonish

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away...
When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me

But when I looked around the hall
I couldn't see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don't you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don't slam the door... (Slam!)

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away.

"I know that poem…" I said quietly. "It was written about a house that is supposedly haunted in Nova Scotia…why would he leave that as his… note?"

Ms. Andrews just shook her head. "We don't know. We were hoping one of you would make a connection."

She examined both of us, and we just looked at each other and shook our heads. Ms. Andrews just nodded. She then began speaking to us words of condolences, but I just tuned her out. Comforting words weren't going to bring my friend back. We wordlessly left the office and went our separate ways without even glancing at one another. I don't think we were ready to be in each other's company just yet. I walked toward my room robotically, and when I finally made it to the door, my hands were shaking so much I couldn't put the key in the lock. I just couldn't take it anymore. I leaned against the door and slid to the floor, resting my forehead on my lap. I couldn't understand it. Why did he do this to himself? I thought about the note he left and couldn't make any connections. So many questions, many of them might never be answered. I slowly rose off the ground and opened my door. I stood there for a while, wondering what to do with myself before settling myself in bed for a night of non-sleep.