|The deeper it flows
Author: scizophrenic-fairy PM
Its about a girl on acid who is just trying to figure out where her life is leading her when she falls pregnant. Its the struggle between giving up the drugs and the cigarettes whilst finding a safe and healthy enviroment for everyone involved.Rated: Fiction T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Words: 4,478 - Published: 12-10-09 - id: 2750657
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Authors note: This is the first story that i have ever been excited wnough and passionate to keep writing so that alone is impressive for me lol. I hope you like it. This is chapter one! REviews and comments are all appreciated and i will review back =]
Wandering aimlessly through the grounds of the abandoned graveyard Lexi whistled a disturbingly happy tune as the wind rushed past her half covered ears and swept her dyed hair in front of her face. The graves creaked and groaned after the centuries of rain and ice that had crept there way into the cracks on the marble surfaces. She loved the graves, the eloquence of the faded words painted in gold leaf, metallic against the silver drops of rain that slid down their pretty faces. The weeping willows leaves crackled as she walked forwards her heart pounding with a mixture of fear and curiosity of the lives of the decaying bodies that lay underneath her black trainers.
As she pondered on the many worlds in which the sound of the departed may linger her phone whistled with the annoyance of yet another phone call from her not so considerate boyfriend of the moment. As her fingers lingered on the illuminated buttons she took a second to think why she was even still trying to fix the obviously broken relationship and broken worlds that held them together whilst tearing them apart simultaneously.
"Hey, what's up" she answered with the effort of the words locked in her throat.
"Nothing, I was just wondering where you are?" He stated with the anger rising in the words though his tone stayed monotone.
"Just walking, clearing my head, you know that sort of thing; I'll give you a call when I get back home?" Lexi questioned why she had even offered as they both knew that she wouldn't and that the same cycle of one sided arguments and fights would begin once again.
"Okay sure talk then bye"
He had never been one for words that meant anything, his monotone voice grated at her bones whilst the deep caring made her heart throb from its intensity. 7 months had passed since they had started dating, dating being the loose term for a mixture of sex, fights, breakups and makeups. However, it was all going okay. 'Till she had stumbled across his phone. Calls from his ex-girlfriend had sent shivers down her spine in anger and heartbreak. He hadn't lied. He had told her that they had agreed to be friends and she had lied saying she was fine with it. Though him bringing the conversation with her up when they spoke hurt her deeper than any cut that crisscrossed her ankles. She didn't mind if they were the best of friends or the worst of enemies just the thought of him thinking of her, or speaking her name grazed her heart. It wasn't that Lexi didn't trust him, she trusted him more than she had ever trusted anyone else, and she wasn't the type of person to get paranoid, anymore, she just had a annoying tendency to over think situations that probably should not have crossed her mind for no more than a couple of seconds in any given day.
Her feet pounded at the sodden earth as she made her way through the bushes that led towards the abandoned church house that lay desolate. Her heart thumped with anticipation as the vague lights of scattered torches shone through the dull blackness of the night's air. The taste of excitement and anticipation lay thick on her tongue as her pace quickened rapidly to nothing less than a jog. The gravestones moaned in ecstasy as the breeze sped around their cracked exteriors, egging her on.
Eventually she heard the familiar sounds of laughing and the dull whispers as they prepared their next hit. The pretty pictures that decorated the tabs looked inviting as she found her way over to the usual group of friends that hung out by the doorway. Strawberries. Pretty in pink. Tasteless verging on foul but the instant relief was worth the wait. The sour tasting tabs ran through her blood, her heart pounded, the sounds of the tree's and birds echoed in her head. Colours drifted past her eyes, amazing colours as bright and vivid as in a movie and as soft and fragile as her own imagination. Reds and blues merged, swirling into a mass of unidentifiable colour and radiance. The grass gleamed in the speckled moonlight. Each blade shone from its inner beauty and reflected her eyes in their shine and magnificent glory. For a fraction of a second everything in the world made perfect sagacity. A sense of understanding and peace hung on every pore of her skin. Her mind sung a song of peace that she had not deemed possible for a while. As that second wore off the reality of what she was doing sunk in again and Lexi was overcome was such an immense amount of pain, guilt and grief she sunk to her knees and weeped as the grass lost its shine and the beauty she had seen crumbled. The clouds weeped tears of crimson over her frail body. The trees moved their branches reaching for her, willing her to follow them, screeching her name in their voices of ice. She ran. And ran. And ran. As far away as she could the crimson rain still poured on her. Covering her clothes filling up her eyes and mouth with obscene flavours.
Twelve hours later Lexi woke. Her head spinning from last night's calamity of a trip. She had always been warned. Never take acid when in a bad mood, never. But here she was again. Stuck in the woods with no money and just slight remembrance of what last night had done to her once perfectly normal brain. She felt around for her phone and flipped it up 10 missed calls and 20 messages glared out art her form the over lit screen. All from the same person. A heavy sigh escaped her lips as strong arms pulled her off the damp ground.
"Adam? What are you doing here" She whispered in surprise and confusion.
" I was looking for you, found those people by the church, asked if they'd seen you and guess what here you are just where they said you'd be" He sighed as he carried her back to his car, " You always do this, you worry me then we argue and we end up here again. That stuff isn't good it, fucks you up" he stated almost caring but with just enough of an edge that she knew that anger lay beneath the obviously worried exterior. He gently lowered her into the front seat of the car. The soft material hugged Lexi after twelve hours in a muddy forest her body was stiff with chills and agony had started to reap its way through all her joints. He lit a cigarette and placed it between her lips. The satisfaction of nicotine pulsing through her lungs woke her up more than the warmth or pain. He lit one for himself and they sat in perfect silence. Smoke filling up the metal cage swirling into obscure shapes as each breathes blew more into the cloud.
"Want to go home yet?" he asked, not even looking at her. The disgust at what he saw was obvious even to an only partially conscious Lexi.
"Not yet" I can't face her, the derogatory stab at her mother was usual context from Lexi. "Can't we just drive for a bit?"
The car rumbled into life the engine roared as it unwillingly went from stationary to full speed. The smooth ride left Lexi feeling drowsy, her eyelids fell unwillingly as the trees sped past the window the radio hummed unrecognisable tunes from its too tinny speakers. Empty crisp packets and cardboard carpets lay scattered across the mildewed seats. Her eyes flickered into life as "Broken" by Seether came pounding through the speakers. The melodic voice of Amy Lee drifted through her obscure thoughts, sudden relief and peace sped through her blood like adrenaline. Complete peace at the world.
It had been a long time since she had wished to die. So long that she couldn't quite remember how bad she had felt back then compared to now. Her head span with thoughts of the most obscure nature, flipping from anger into deep suicidal tendencies twice every few seconds. She had made a promise many moons ago that the next time the lists of ways to kill herself became so intense that she would just do it. Write a note and leave this place for good, leave the confusion and the searing hatred of the pain behind. The note was the hardest part she had always found. Her friends meant the world to her. Hurting them was the only thread to existence she found, she talked to them, lost herself in their problems sorting their lives out distracted her from the overwhelming passion for self mutilation and suicide she had found. The note to explain to them why she felt this way never seemed to express her gratitude to them for keeping her alive long enough to see her 18th birthday but one more year seemed like a bit too much for even them to be able to change her mind this time. She tried to soften the blow, she cut them out of her life, hid from the world but it didn't matter they always knew the signs and worried. She knew that they cared but not enough. They would move on. Find another person to tell all their problems to.
6am came about too quickly for any decision to be made; a familiar ring of her phone woke her from her nightmarish thoughts.
"Hello" she croaked, she was a professional liar and could near enough hide anything she wanted to.
"Shut up and stop lying I know you haven't been to bed, what's up?" his voice rang through her head piercing her resolve and making her fell guiltier than she did already.
"Nothing's up, just couldn't sleep for thinking that's all... the acid may not have helped but I'm fine" she replied smoothly. Knowing her drug habit irritated him but not as much as her suicidal thoughts would worry him.
"Right, so what's with the tears and the pills then" knowing what was around the corner came easily to him. He had been her friend for so many years that any signs of her depression ruling her head came easily enough to recognise.
"Nothing, I'm coping. Honest. Just you know. Sometimes" Her voice trailed off in a sense of quiet desperation.
"I'm coming. Just don't do anything till I get there. Promise. We've done this before we can get through this again"
"Fine, do whatever you want but I'm not promising anything" Her resolve was finally completely broken.
30 minutes later a loud rapping at her door woke her from her half consciousness. The blade sat on her desk in front of her. Blood drops scattered the polished wood surface. Crisp crimson tear drops lay on the blade and on her ribs. Lines started to slowly appear rippling down her over exposed bones.
The rapping became more urgent as she pulled herself away from her chair to answer it. The frosted glass hid the person standing just 2 feet behind it though she already knew who it was. She yanked on her cardigan in a vain attempt to hide the thin cuts to no avail.
Stepping outside into the crisp air she lit her fag and put it between her moist lips. Her red lipstick left stains on the filter that looked exactly like the old style lipsticks prints in the 1930's movies which she watched so readily.
Craig stood there watching her draw on the cigarette with such a focused look on her face. Her eyes half closed as she felt the warm smoke filter into her lungs. The nicotine seemed to take an immediate effect. Her stressed features relaxed as each draw bought her one step closer to utter peace. Her eyes fluttered with pleasure closer to sex than she would like to admit. It was times like these that he had to stop himself kissing her. Her mannerisms in the way she held the cigarette was like caressing a lover. Her gentle hands moved slowly as she slowly slid it from her lips savouring every last breathe as if it was her last. The way her tongue slowly moved circles around her teeth and lips and she tried to think of something to say that would explain away her actions of the previous night.
His lips shone in the morning light. The slight chaps made them look touchable and almost perfect. Though she was no longer fooled by perfection anymore. His eyes shone with a worried understanding. She forgot he had been where she was right now. He knew every single thought that went through her head before she had though them. The destructive pattern of behaviour was nothing new to him. Her body ached for him to kiss her. All her self control made her take draws on the cigarette imagining that it was him she was caressing. Slowly she moved her tongue in circles around her teeth soaking up as much nicotine that the smoke could have provided her. She already knew that this was going to be a hard night for her.
Every sinew of his body urged him to kiss her. Try and soak out her problems in a long overdue relief of lust and passion. He cared about her. Verging on love. He had never been able to put his finger on why he had never asked her out. Maybe there were just too many problems between the two of them that a relationship would just make their lives harder. He knew she was in a relationship that bought her tears on more than one occasion, he just wanted to save her, take her away from the place that made her cry tears of blood. His imagination got carried away. He started to imagine her body. Naked as the new cuts shone in the moonlight that pierced through his bedroom windows as he slowly started to caress her perfectly formed boobs. His hands slowly slid up and down her body lingering over the cuts as if his warmth could take away the sting or that his love for her could heal them. His hands caressed every crevice of her thin frame as she shook with gratitude and pent up lust. His penis started to throb as he lowered her onto his bed and started to kiss her body slowly making his way over boobs pausing at her nipples long enough that his warm breathe made her shudder with pleasure as he slowly and lightly bit them using his tongue to circle them. Further down her body till he reached the neatly trimmed triangle that led to the ultimate goal. She shook with delight as her moved his tongue over her clit using the tip to tickle it speeding up as he started to massage her inner lips with his fingers enjoying her juices flowing freely as he gradually placed his finger into the opening. He went deeper as she moaned in ecstasy As he slid in another finger her whole body succumbed to his very movement was met by another groan as it make more urgent and he started moving quicker, speeding up bit by bit so as to watch her face change as the pleasure increased by every second. Gradually he moved his head from her clit and used his tongue to soak up some her juices that dripped down onto his bed clothes. He used the edges of his tongue to part her lips as he sucked on her clit as she screamed for him. He licked her up then abruptly stopped and waited. As she begged, for him to continue, to go deeper, to make love to her. He moved up her body kissing every piece of skin he did. When he reached her moist red lips he slowly started to penetrate her open vagina. She moaned as he slowly went deeper stopping at regular intervals. Wanting, her to plead him to continue. He wanted to see the passion and the want in her eyes. He went deeper allowing her body to adapt to his. Breathing in time as he gently moved in and out of her. Going deeper every time. It became faster more determined and full of lust. She screamed and bit her lip as he sucked her nipples whilst she swallowed his whole cock. Getting harder and faster. He moaned as did she, her body shook with ecstasy as did his.
"Craig... Craig are you even listening?" Lexi looked up from making the coffee to see where he had gone as he slowly came out of his self induced trance.
"Uh huh, sorry zoned out for a minute" a slight laugh came through his lips as he tried to rid his head and body of the passion he had just imagined.
"Milk and sugar just how you like it then, not that I'm not happy to see you but why do you bother?" She put the cup on the table in front of him. The glass top clinked as the china caught it off guard but soon settled to a vibration as she mumbled her last words almost silently.
"I bother because I care, I bother because I've been here and I know what you're going through. I bother because through all of this I'll still be here and I want you to be standing with me. You're not going to die. I can't let that happen." His voice broke as he reached the edge of what he thought was acceptable to say. He hated seeing her like this. The pain beat through his cells, weakening his muscles, willing him to move forward. But he couldn't. Through all the bravado he was still stuck in the same rut that he had been for years, he just knew how to hide it. The only secret he had ever kept from Lexi. He knew if she found out any progress he had made would have been ruined. The thing about depression is that it's very selfish he thought. It doesn't matter who cares about you. Any sign of weakness or the slightest glimmer that they've given up and it's yet another excuse to carry on in the same self destructive pattern that they were trying to get you out of. He had been at that stage where anything even remotely criticising would have sent him to the edge of the blade. The blood dripping from the open wounds. It wasn't that Lexi was a selfish person. She would give her life to help anyone she knew even by the faintest connection. It was the illness that infected her thought processes, making her see a distorted view of how the world works and moves around.
"That doesn't explain anything. Look at me. I'm a slightly neurotic, pill induced suicidal mess. I self medicate with acid to stop the pain and guilt. The only two things I have ever been good at is being skinny and sex and neither of them will get me anywhere in life. Apart from maybe in the porn industry but then I have the problem that I hating my photo being taken so I'm genuinely fucked! I have nothing else going for me. Let's be serious about that at least." Her temper started to rise as saying the things she had been thinking came out too quickly for her to be eloquent about it or sugar coat it from him. She never wanted to disappoint him. He was why she was still alive. Her boyfriend was just a way of passing the time. There was no love left between them anymore. Too much had happened. Too much water under the bridge. But Craig had been there through thick and thin. Through the multiple hospital stays and the sleepless nights in front of the TV just waiting for something to happen that would change the course of her life forever. Those times meant the world to her. So him seeing her in this state made her heart pound with guilt and the injustice of him being there. He should have better friends. That thought tormented many of her nights. Tossing and turning; speechless apologies for still being alive. However, she knew that if she died he would kill her. Metaphorically of course but he wouldn't care. He would hate her. He made it clear day after day. Him hating her was one of the only reasons she had stayed alive this long. Dying with him loving her would be worse though. Another tie that she already knew she wouldn't be able to sever he knew her to well.
Thoughts started running through her brain. Electrical impulses charged the wrong areas of her brain. She knew she shouldn't think of him like that. The heat that he exuded a long with his gentle touches made her body jump with the fireworks they produced in her brain. All her hairs on her arms stood up on end when she heard his voice. Her heart started pounding at the mention of his name. She knew it was wrong. The voice in her head screamed at her to stop connecting people being nice to her with them wanting to sleep with her. Though, this connection was hard to break. Three years ago they had been made and since then it had always been the case. Never had one guy apart from him made her doubt it. Since that night every guy had been the same. They said all the right things, but in the end she was the one feeling heart broken when they had got exactly what they wanted. Her wrists still ached from that night, the marks may have faded but the memories burnt a whole in her heart. Her ex, the one who was meant to love her had hurt her in unthinkable ways.
His hands round her throat. His fists rose as she hid and cowered hoping that someone, anyone would find her. The ropes grazed as he looped them round her wrists and ripped her clothes. Panic struck through her every cell. Her skin stung as his bit at her skin leaving marks that wouldn't fade as he pulled at his jeans; quickly they were off as she struggled against the binds that bound her to the bed. He yanked at her legs bruising them with his frustration at her innocence as the tear flowed soundless. Shoving his hand over her mouth, as she kicked. Trying to break free, from him. Waiting, for anyone to come in. Wistful hoping. He shrugged as she bit at his hand. As he forced his way between her flailing legs as he penetrated her. She felt the sting as he carried on uncaring. He told her she would like it if he kept going. The tears pleaded with him to stop. To leave her alone. To stop. She cowered as he hit her to silence the screams that had escaped. He pushed harder, faster. Moving, jaggedly in his anger. He forced himself deeper into her as she yelped with the pain. As quickly as it had started he stopped. Pulled on his jeans and undid the ties. Leaving her their black and blue to "sort herself out". He threw a tissue at her as he wiped the blood from his hand. Then she realised she was bleeding from the teeth marks on her chest. She lay scared. Tears rolled down her chin as she just wished for the pain to stop or ease so she could move. Get help. Slowly her aching muscles forced her to stand up and wipe the blood away. He stood over her and watched as the tears dried up. "Never again" she said.
3 years later and she was still trying and failing to cope that she had uttered those words then kept letting it happen. Love is blind, her friend once reminded her but it wasn't enough of a conclusion. The faint tingling that the binds left behind still lingered on in her reoccurring nightmares. This was meant to be a fresh start for her. A new relationship, new school, a new life. But turning over a new leaf never was that simple. Same thoughts lingered in her brain, the same blood ran through her veins. Pumping her overexerted muscles and brain into action. Day after day. Hour after hour. Minute after minute.
"What you thinking about" Craig clasped at her shaking hand. Trying to ease the bad memories out of her imaginary world and into the reality where he could help her cope with them.
"Nothing, Everything, The usual really, sorry I'm not being very good company am I? What do you want to do today?" Lexi met his eyes for the briefest of moments though it was long enough for the fireworks to flare up again as she looked back through the glass counter at her own feet. The glitter on her eyes sparkled in the reflection as the tears welled up in her river blue eyes. He desperately searched for some kind of contact from her before replying
"I don't have a clue. There's a market down in town if you want to go? Seems to be quite good"
"Yeah that sounds good" Lexi replied the tears drying up. She enjoyed markets. The haggling that and the interesting knick knacks that can be found.
She got up from the wooden chair and walked around the table until she was facing Craig. Her top draped over her white bra which could just be seen under the sheer material. As she did the Craig moved round to face her and stood up slowly until their bodies were just a little too close. He put his hand gently under her chin and slowly lifted it up till their eyes were meeting. He lent down and kissed her carefully on the lips. Nothing to lustful. Just gently and seductively. A meaningful kiss to Lexi. The butterflies flew in both their stomachs as their skin became ultra sensitive from the locked passion that was finally being realised.