Author: LostInMidnightsShadows PM
something I wrote a while agoRated: Fiction K - English - Hurt/Comfort - Words: 1,173 - Published: 12-11-09 - Status: Complete - id: 2751188
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The wind brushes my face as I walk along the side of the road, cars occasionally going past. The music in my ears blasts, trying to keep my thoughts at bay. I don't want to listen to them. It hurts too much. I can't listen to them. They will make me regret everything. See everything clearly. I don't want to. I just need to run away from it. From everything really. God, I think to myself, I'm going insane. Clearly. The amount of times I have felt the need to run in the last couple of days, even weeks is crazy. I'm going insane. I shake my head, turn my music up to as loud as it will go and I run.
I slam my fist into the pillow next to me. I want to scream. 'She's insane!' My head is telling me. 'She's never going to listen to you. She's going to keep on going on that downward spiral and keep on taking you with her. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO!" The devil on my shoulder screams at me. I can't stand it anymore. I turn on my music. Turn it up loud. It has to drown everything out. Everything. I can feel myself getting more and more desperate now. Desperate for some escape, some path I can take that will make it all better. I'm lost.
My heart is pounding in my ears. I'm struggling to breathe. I can feel myself stressing, having another attack. I swear under my breath and collapse on the grass in front of the house. My breaths are getting shorter, I'm wheezing more. My chest feels like it is about to burst, I feel it constricting. I'm starting to panic. 'Don't panic!' my head tells me. My lungs and throat don't, won't react. I can't get enough air. I can't. My breathing gets shallower and shallower. 'Your being stupid.' My mind screams at me to get over it. To stop it. The darkness is descending in on me. I fight it. I try to at least. It doesn't work. It won't. I hear the front door slamming against the wall and someone running towards me, over my music and the sound of what feels like my throat closing up. I feel cold suddenly. I feel helpless. I can't fight it anymore.
I hear the gate slam once more. 'Hear we go again.' I think. I turn the music down a little and change song. I've calmed down by now. I can breathe. I listen for her to come through the front door. Nothing. I can't hear her at all. As angry as I am, I'm worried. I ignore that fact for a little longer. She can come to me. I haven't done anything her. It's all her. It's all in her head. She's insane. She needs help. Desperately. Hopefully, she sees that now. Hopefully, she sees that I can help her. I want to help her. I need to. I sit and wait for her. Suddenly I can't stand the silence anymore. I stride to the front door and open it forcefully. She isn't there. I hear the wheezing first. Then I see her. 'Alicia.' I panic and run out to her. She looks bad. Like I've waited too long. It's too late.
'Alicia.' I hear my name being said. I don't feel connected to my body anymore. I feel… insane. I want to shake myself out of it. 'Alicia.' The voice comes through my thoughts to me again. I can breathe now. I can't hear myself wheezing, struggling for air. I'm fine. Someone touches my arm and it is like an electric current surging through to me. I feel myself coming back into the real world again. I still feel cold. I listen again. I can hear… 'Fall for You' playing in the distance. Something about that song wakes something in me. I have more control now. Finally, I have control. So I open my eyes. 'Alicia?' the voice is persistently pulling me harder and harder, back to it, the source of the voice. I can't see anything. It's too bright. I feel a hand on my face, pushing me, forcing me to look in their direction. I focus. I can see him. 'Damien?'
She's awake. She had me scared. It's never gone this far before. I thought I would lose her. I thought I had. I couldn't lose her. She opened her eyes and looked at me. She whispered my name, questioning it, questioning me. I felt like breaking down myself. I want to hug her. To never let her go. To never let anything hurt her. Never let her hurt herself again. I realize that's what I'm meant to do already. I promised so many people, most importantly her, that I would never let her be hurt. Look at her now. I've failed. I can't believe I failed the one thing I wanted to help her with. The one thing I knew she couldn't handle on her own. I forced her to run. It was my fault. It was me. I wasn't helping her. I look into her eyes and I know I should leave, but I can't.
'I'm sorry.' I say. It comes out a whisper someone could barely hear. He leans forward and takes my hand, holding on tight. A sense of fear floods me. I squeeze his hand tightly. His face is right next to mine. 'I'm sorry.' I say again. I can see him breaking. Loosening. Calming down. I've hurt him. More than I thought I could. I feel tears welling up behind my eyes. 'Hold on to yourself, Lis' I tell myself. 'God you're a mess.' He whispers something to me. 'I'm sorry too.' 'It's not your fault.' I whisper back. A pained look flows onto his face as those words leave my lips.
It is. It is my fault. I'm responsible for this. I started this. I knew I would upset her. Force her to run. To get away from the things I had said. The things she thinks I think of her. Of everything really. I can't tell her enough that I'm sorry. That I'm the one that is wrong. She knows she is the one at fault, but I can't bring myself to agree with her. It's her mind. That's the problem. Her mind controls her, but it's not the way she is. She told me this once. She told me in letters. She couldn't say it. I can't say it now. I can't help her now. I can't help her at all. And it's all my fault.