|Hopeless But Hoping
Author: BabyDollAndGiantFreaK PM
Fitz Cox falls hard and fast but only once in a blue moon. His relationships suck and usually he wears his heart on his sleeve but this time he can't seem to express himself. He comes off as a total dick to be honest but he's still hoping for the best.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance - Words: 3,319 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 02-13-10 - Status: Complete - id: 2775123
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: Jesus cheesus I actually remembered to make an author's note for my totally useless chammer . Mini story/ one-shot which I really need to do more of. Not sure if you've heard of the blizzard that just went down here in the east coast. I got like 28 inches of snow and no school for ohhhhh almost two weeks probably or it seems like it. I've had quite the amount of time on my hands which was spent drawing superheroes and playing my Nintendo DS. And sleeping lots and lots of sleep. I'll shut up now.
Only on occasions do I ever come back to my hometown seeing as I go to college in New York. I'm a music major at Julliard. I'm also Fitz Cox-or formally known as Fitzgerald- I'm tall, nice, play the cello, acoustic guitar and sing and that's all you probably need to know about be specifically. I'm really not all that interesting.
So on this rare occasion I'm here in the small town of Vienna, Virginia. It's one of those places that all old town and quaint, pretty small that you can just drive right through it and not know that it's a town. And basically there's everything here and you can just walk everywhere. Here I am walking from my house to the very near by coffee shop or maybe if I change my mind I'll walk to somewhere to get ice cream or something. Maybe I'll just get something later and sit on a bench or go to the fountain.
FUCK. I'm just screaming strings of profanity in my head as scalding hot coffee reaches contact with my skin probably heavily staining my red farmer's shirt.
"I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry! Are you okay?" This little tiny woman is panicking over the incident and her voice is slightly higher pitched than most females. Or maybe it was because she was in a mini fit of hysterics? I dunno when she hand brushed the exposed skin on my arm it felt, dare I say, magical and other worldly and slightly painful.
Her eyes are a bright vivacious green and has honey and light milk chocolate hair.
"Yeah,yeah." I mumble. God I'm such a dick.
She looks slightly hurt because she did display kindness and well when you're nice to someone after doing something to them and they're a dick to you it is actually pretty hurtful.
"So really? Your okay? I'll buy you a new shirt or something?"
"Uh huh. Um okay yeah that'd be great."
She perks up and is by far really chipper and sweet. Man I'm such a dick and I don't even know why, I can't help it.
She grabs my hand and drags me where ever to buy whatever shirt.
On the way there though she starts to talk. A lot.
"So where do you go to school?" she asks me, I didn't notice that she had a notebook and a small textbook in her stick thin arms.
"Oh really? So you just visit here I guess. I would love to go to school in New York. I'm a dancer but I go to William and Mary. I used to go to John Hopkins but the out of state tuition and the dorm cost was such a bank account vampire so I changed to instate. I'm studying to be a radiologist or a physician, ya know for little kiddies."
"Really? You're a dancer. And your becoming a doctor."
"Yeah pretty much. I've been told that I have talent but my parents don't think I do. I once wanted to be a singer but I was told I wasn't really good. So now basically I just dance and sing for fun and then study to be a radiologist mostly. I like it too but I dancing was always a big part of my life. Then again though paying for school in New York must be even worse than in Maryland, which I wouldn't be able to afford unless I got a scholarship. My parents have a lot of money but they won't help me out with paying for school unless well I did something that I would actually succeed in. Okay so I just spewed out my mini life story what about you?"
"Not much. I go to Julliard on scholarship. I play cello, acoustic guitar and sing."
"Really??? That's amazing! I want to hear you sing one day. When you're totally marvelous having girls swoon over you I'll be sure to help you out if you break a bone or contract a disease that the cure has yet to be discovered." She's smiling at this probably being serious, I can't tell. She's always so nice and open. I can't help but chuckle at this.
"Oh we're here." She announces as she takes my hand pulling me in.
The shop is really New York City indie rare treasure shop style. Much to say it's pretty killer.
The girl, correction woman is twirling around after telling me to pick whatever shirt I want. She finds shoes, most women's weakness as I have discovered over the years.
Again I chuckle just watching her try on shoes as I'm stand against the counter.
" Hey, your girlfriend is pretty gorgeous." The cashier says, a heavily tattooed woman with a nose ring.
"Yeah I know." I sigh dreamily, "Oh wait she's not my girlfriend."
"Really? Are you guys in that cliché friend phase where you guys love each other but won't admit it?"
"No. Actually I don't even know her name. I just met her probably at least an hour ago."
"Well you should snatch her up before some other guy does then."
"Hey- Oh um sorry! I completely forgot to ask your name." she calls out.
"Jackie Carter. So do you want me to pick out a shirt?"
Jackie dances around and after some searching she picks up a black and white farmers shirt with thin lines of red in it.
"What about this?"
"Okie dokie, I'll go pay for it." Jackie informs me as she walks to the counter.
When we leave the store I'm wearing the freshly purchased shirt. Briskly I notice that she's checking her watch.
"Oh um I have to leave or I'm already late for my class. So I hope to see you again soon. I'd give you my phone number or something but I hate cell phones. I guess maybe we'll see each other around."
She looks slightly hurt at my display of "I could care less"-ness and turns to leave.
"Wait! Um Jackie. I always go to the coffee shop right across the fountain to seeing as you like coffee wanna meet me there tomorw?"
"Oh okay sure." Her voice is cheery, as always.
"Um do you mind if it's early at like 6 in the morning?"
"Not at all. See ya!" and then Jackie Carter the girl of my dreams is gone.
"Devin, she is literally the girl of my dreams. She's perfect! Like she has the most amazing eyes that I could stare at for hours. And her lips are the most perfect pair of lips anyone could have. She's so happy and bright and amazing and I'm such a DICK to her. There's no other way to describe it. I. Am. Such. A. Dick. To her. It's really bad and she's so nice and open and all I can do is reply with one words answers." I complain to my best friend. He goes to school with me in Julliard and grew up with me and lived next door ever since we moved here in third grade.
"Dude. Shut up. Your meeting her tomorrow I'll be there to observe for a bit to grab a drink and a muffin and to check and see how amazing the girl you've fallen in love with is. You know it's been like 5 years right, since you've ever uttered that you've been in love?"
"Yeah I know and it's sick! Like it's rad but really not."
"Maybe you're such a dick to her because you don't want to get hurt again. Not to get all touchy feely and emotional here but Emily really did screw up your heart."
"Yeah I KNOW. But Jackie, see she lives here and goes to school at William and Mary. That's even remotely close to Julliard. So I shouldn't make a move on her."
"Why not. Long distances relationships work…sometimes."
"Sometimes asshole which means it might not work. I don't want it to not work, I want it to work forever and for her to fall for me and then we live happily fucking after."
Devin scoffs loudly. "Please man things definitely don't work that way if you're a musician and she's going to be a radiologist. It just doesn't work. Ever. "
"GOD I KNOW. So maybe I shouldn't meet up with her?"
"That would make you an even bigger dick and then your chances with her will be shot down the drain."
Me and Devin are walking to the coffee place and through its big window there isn't a Jackie. As we get closer I see her in the distance walking here.
My heart picks up speed and I stop waiting for her.
"Dude, what the-"
"Shut up Dev she's walking over here and I'm waiting for her."
"Hey Fitz!" Jackie hugs me and I hug her back just melting at her touch.
"Jackie, hey. This is my best friend Devin here's just here to grab some coffee then he's going to leave."
"M'kay. Nice to meet you."
"Pleasure is all Fitz's I'm sure." This causes both of them to laugh lightly as I heat up.
"You know what, you'd be perfect for my best friend. I don't think she'll like you that much but you'd love her."
"Really?" he laughs.
"Yep totally. She can be shallow and stuck up but I love her and sometimes those are the reasons why I love her. "
"Well I better meet her soon then." Devin has already paid for his drink and muffin and I really want to just push him out.
"I'll be sure to bring her to you."
"Yeah Fitz just seems to…run into you a lot so I'm sure we'll see her with you. Anyway I'm gonna leave. Nice to meet you Jackie."
Devin whispers to me as she walks to order, "I approve of her. She's everything you described and is funny too. Make a fucking move or just watch that she has some best guy friend waiting in the wings to swoop her away."
Damn I hate how it seems like everyone this town just thinks that but it is true.
Lying in my bed I just think unable to sleep.
Jackie was so nice when we had coffee, and she only paid attention to me. As the morning got busier more guys came in all checking her out. A few attempting to talk to her even and Jackie easily brushed them off but in a really kind way. It was odd and it made me really warm inside. I was trying to be nicer and my tone was but I didn't really say much. I am such an idiot.
We meet up twice after but I still couldn't manage being the real Fitz.
"Damn it Devin. She's here. With a guy." I curse quietly to my red headed friend.
"Fitzy Fitzy what did I tell you?" He shakes his head mockingly like a parental figure.
"Shut up. It's been like two days since I saw her."
"Or for better phrasing, had your date as opposed to just 'saw her'."
"Please it wasn't a date. I WISH it was a date but it wasn't."
"Lord knows the things you WISH went on between you two."
Jackie also had a female with her and the guy, I'd be relived if she was at least lesbian or something. I can't stand the idea of her with another guy. She's obviously not a virgin, Devin and me have developed a sense to tell if they were or not. Jackie didn't exactly ping in the virgin detector. But hey she isn't like a whore, she's just too amazing to not have sex at least once in her life.
"Jackie!" Devin calls out. Loudly.
"I hope that girl with her is her best friend." Devin whispers to me wiggling his eyebrows in her direction.
Jackie waves at us smiling. That guy is holding onto her as they share a bench. DAMN IT.
She whispers something to him and walks over to us. She hugs Devin first then me and we hold onto the hug for far longer. Honestly if I didn't have to let go of her I wouldn't
You see I'm the type to fall fast and hard. Only has it ever happened twice before and now this. A rare occasion is it.
"Devin! Okay so this is my best friend Nikki." Jackie explains as she motions towards the girl giving us a disgusted look. Oh she's just ball of happiness.
"Hey." She throws at Devin not even really acknowledging me.
That guy curtly waves his hand at us, obviously sizing me up. I think I could take that guy in a fight so no worries on my part. Plus there's Dev but he's shameful in fights. Really sad like he's the kid who gets beat up mercilessly. I think that girl Nikki could beat him.
"Fitz." I toss at the guy. Boy a lot of word throwing.
He lightly snorts at my name. Yeah and snorting is real attractive.
"Fitz walk with me to get something to drink?" Jackie is really polite as she says this which makes her friends look like asses.
We hold hands and Jackie slightly swings her hand.
She doesn't talk and that's a first. Something's up.
Jackie opens and closes her mouth a few times like a gold fish and she has an adorable perplexed look on her face as she's pouting ever so slightly.
"That's Drake. My new boyfriend."
"Him and I went on a date last night and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I dunno if you care or not but I just thought that telling you was mandatory."
I stop which causes Jackie to stop. She just looks at me like she feels guilty and bad.
"Jackie. I know I'm a huge dick to you. But it's only 'cause I'm stupid and an idiot and a moron and my hearts messed up. But I really really really really like you." I confess not looking at her. I think my mouth is making that messed up sad guilty half smile thing.
She sighs loudly, gives me a hug then decides to kiss my cheek.
"Fitz I'm sorry," Her voice sad and sincere, " I really really really really like you too. But see I had this HUGE crush on Drake before. I thought I loved him. And well I've always wondered how things would end up if we dated and now I get to find out."
My turn to sigh. "I get it." My heart hurts too much to really retaliate more.
"The next time you come back and if me and him are broken up or if I'm unhappy feel free to sweep me off my feet okay?" She's going that nice girl bit where she's not rejecting you she's saying that there's still a chance. But she really is a nice girl so it's not a bit which makes it hurt more to know that I'll be waiting for her as an option pining away for her thinking about her constantly while she's with him and thinking of him.
I suck it up, just having to grin and bear it while I'm here with her. Later when I get home I can sulk and cry and yell and punch walls and burn things and rip paper because I feel like doing exactly all those things. Except I feel like I'll be crying and yelling most.
"Okay. I'm taking you up on that. If you're not smiling every second you're with him and laughing then I take it as you're not happy and I'll swoop in."
"Well, see that's not entirely true that I have to be smiling and laughing every second to be happy. I'm not always smiling and laughing with you but I'm always happy when you're around. Except when I made your heart break."
This time Jackie talks a lot and I say very little but this time she understands why and so do I and we just go with it.
I'm Fitz. The girl I fell in love with when I was 15 was Jenny Kravchek she stomped on my heart and broke up with me because she found this guy, a football player, who was so much "cooler" than me. He was far more athletic and completely unmusical and stupid, he was my opposite and Jenny loved him.
When I was 16 I gave love another chance and fell in love with a girl who didn't talk much. She was a mystery and her name was Kacey Donahue. Kacey didn't talk much and liked being alone. Except when she was with me. We were in love, I wrote her a song and she loved it too. Everything was perfect until her brother died. He was 7 and she didn't open up to me. She didn't let me help her or anything. We broke up because she didn't feel like loving me anymore. She said she didn't feel anything.
Now at age 21 I am in love with Jackie Carter who only a few months ago broke my heart. We had a chance but my chance came and went. I still talk to her and I fall more in love with her. Each time I hear her voice my heart lurches forward and I die a little inside knowing that she's dating him. I write her songs and play them for her when I come back to visit or when we're on the phone. Her house phone of course. And I'm just waiting for our time to come.
A/N: oooooooh author's note number 2. Well I have no idea if people like my other stories so please tell me if you do and if you like this oneeeee. Aw Fitzy maybe someday he'll get the girl he's been dying for. I decided nottt to get into gory heart destroying detail because I initially planned on having this part where I describe Fitz's pain and compare it to it being slowy burnt and torn away as he watches the flames devour pieces of paper and junk buuuuut alas I didn't. I have it writtttenn but I took it out. Byeee now time to shut up.