|Just Like A Liar
Author: Reve de Neons PM
My imagination was belligerent with images of him. I had never known longing until I laid eyes on him. The way he moved, the way he talked. The way he hung on every word that I spoke, the way he touched me. I found myself shrouded in longing. SLASHRated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 7,907 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 05-05-10 - Published: 03-26-10 - Status: Complete - id: 2789606
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I nearly forgot to upload this, but then I glanced over at the time. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this last part. If you do, review, if you don't, review. I wanted to end the story a different way, I just wasn't sure how. If you get the chance to read my other stories, what happened after this story is hinted. Well, enjoy! :D
No Turning Back
The third slow song droned on slowly that night. Theresa was in my arms, her black hair swept up into a messy ponytail. Beautiful little curlicues of hair fell from the ponytail. Her brown eyes were fixed on mine, her black lashes lengthened with mascara to the point where they were casting shadows on her olive cheeks. Her lips were in a glossy smile, gazing at me. Her arms were around my neck as we danced to the song.
Graduation day was today. The ceremony was long and tedious. I had been elected valedictorian to the surprise of none. There was sweat matting my bangs to my forehead as I spoke the final speech, but I preserved. Kristoff's smiling face gave me a sense of ease as I gazed at it. To be honest, I spoke the entire speech to him.
By the end of the ceremony, I had won four awards. One for having the highest average, another for being valedictorian, and of course, honour roll. My mother was crying with pride. Dabbing her tiny blue eyes with a handkerchief.
Out of all of this, the hardest part was right now. The graduation dance. We were supposed to dance, let go, make out behind the curtains when we thought the chaperones weren't looking. We were supposed to be free. I felt like a caged animal, awaiting the moment when I would be allowed to be free. I was waiting for the time I could stop lying and I could be true to who I was and what I was truly about.
"You look beautiful tonight." I told Theresa as I walked her off of the dance floor. She looked stunning in her purple dress. It accentuated her figure perfectly. I caught many boys eyeing me enviously, wishing they had the angel I did. I wished I could let her go.
By the way, I went along with her tie idea. I let her have the last say, and I prodded around happily with a purple tie tucked into my black suit.
"You're not looking so bad yourself, Mr. Valedictorian." She purred. She kissed me on the cheek, leaving a glossy pink imprint on my face. Reluctantly I left it where it was.
When we arrived at our table, there were the four boys I had come to know well.
Blake Gage one of my best friends. He looked just like a little baby, with that round freckled face. His had Justin Bieber-esque hair, only it was flaxen blonde. He had dark blue eyes, that always danced with mischievous. He was a year older then me, and when I was born he was talking and walking. Though he was much more immature. His childish-ways often caused friction between our clashing personalities, but we got along.
Rikku Santo was my true best friend. I had always liked him much more then Blake. He had Latino blood, and that came with an exotic tan. He had thick, wavy dark brown hair. Eyes as green as moss, fringed with black lashes. He was always polished and coiffed, wearing the latest trends and fashions. He was just a little snobby, but far more mature then Blake. In addition to that, he was a notorious pervert and that got him in a lot of trouble. Nonetheless, he was a ladies-man and a sweet-talker. I had my crushes on him in the past.
The other boy I knew fairly well was my twin brother Ryan. He was my identical twin brother and we shared most of our looks. Only Ryan was lighter then me because I had more muscle-mass then him. He had a habit of lining his eyes with kohl coloured liner and acting like he was some type of bad-ass. He was all soft and sensitive underneath that tough-boy and cynical attitude. All he wanted was someone to love, but he pushed every single candidate away for fear of being hurt. One day someone was going to run down the walls he shrouded around himself and he'd find them buried deep in his heart.
And the last boy was the one I loved, Kristoff.
He was staring at me across the table with those deep blue eyes. He opened his mouth and then refused to let the words go. He looked angelic with his white dress shirt and baby blue shirt. It matched his eyes perfectly, and I bet he planned it that way. His black hair was styled to be artfully messy, and it was wonderful. I couldn't resist running my fingers through his hair. "You must feel like the king of the school." He told me. "You have everything, good grades, you're athletic and you're nice. What more could you want?"He was teasing me. He knew the only thing I wanted was to be myself. I wanted to tell someone besides him that I had feelings for a boy and that was who I was, and I wanted them to tell me that it was okay. I wanted someone to know me like Kristoff knew me. The one who accepted less then an 80%. The one who accepted the fact that I might be. . .
"Dude, why are you staring at him like that?" Rikku asked me as he adjusted his dark green tie so it rested flat on his bright green dress shirt. There was a playful smile on his lips, but the joke terrified me.
"Shut up! I was staring at the pillar behind him!" I yelled. I rose from the table, nearly knocking it over in the process. I gave Rikku an angry glare and left the room.
I ran out into the hall and sat down on the large white grand piano. There was a bouquet of roses overflowing from the open part of the piano. The piano was beautiful just like this hall. I thought my crappy school had quite good taste in party venues.
"If you keep acting so homophobic their going to start suspecting that you're gay," A soft voice spoke. When I felt that familiar scent and that cold hand on my shoulder I knew it was Kristoff. He sat down on the stool next to me. He was so close to me, his thigh was brushing against mine.
"Kristoff. . ." I whispered. I looked into his blue eyes and buried my face in his arms. "What if I am? What am I going to do with myself?" My voice burbled into choking sobs and I found myself crying.
Kristoff's lips puckered against my forehead. "It's okay. There's nothing wrong with that, TJ. You'll survive, I'll be there for you. I promise."
What could've been a more perfect thing for him to say but that. I looked into his eyes and realized I could never doubt how much I loved him. My love for him was deep, stormy ocean. With the tears streaming down my face I fell into him and grazed my lips against his. We kept kissing, deepening the embrace.
It was then that I heard the sound of heels snapping against the marble floor. I pulled away from Kristoff, with my heart hammering in my chest. I prayed it was a teacher, a member of the staff, some random girl as long as it wasn't-
"Theresa." Kristoff's mouth was wide after the name of the girl had fallen out of his mouth. His arms were still around me as we both gazed at her.
My heart stopped. If I had been hooked up to machines in the hospital, I would've been flat lining. My breath was knocked out of me and I had known no guilt such as this until I looked into Theresa's eyes. Those deep brown eyes, pooling with tears. There were a million allegations flashing across her face. She was screaming at me though she never whispered a word. Her manicured hands flew to her lips as a choked sob escaped her.
I leapt up from the bench and ran over to her. I put my hands around her shoulders, trying to stop her from running away from me. It was inevitable. She was going to leave me anyway. "Theresa, I-" I began to formulate my lie, but I had none. She had saw me going farther then I had ever with her with someone else. And that someone else happened to be a boy.
"LET GO OF ME!! I hate you! You. . . You. . . Faggot!" She screamed as loudly as she could. Her tears poured down her cheeks like a river. She wrenched herself away from my, running back to the ballroom as fast as her heels could carry her.
My face was hot with embarrassment. The secret was out and it was only time before the torment and the torture began. One of the only people I cared about had called me a faggot right to my face. I've been made fun of so many other times, but the power that she held behind that one word shattered me. I could never go back to the 'straight boy' role I had been playing for all those years.
"We should go back." Kristoff told me. He began speaking something else, but I don't remember what he was saying. I didn't know what I was doing or what I was doing. I didn't know how to feel, I don't even know if I was feeling or not. I numbed myself, because I knew the next chapter of my life wasn't going to be easy. My pretending to be straight; was done.
The warm summer air clung to my bare arms. The summer breeze tickled the white blonde strands of my hair, blowing them away and out of my face. The weather was whispering to me to be blissful, but I was anything but that. I was grim, because today was the day that I had to owe Theresa an explanation.
She hadn't called me or texted me ever since graduation, which was about a week ago. We were well into summer, and on our way to better things. The days were long and filled with excitement, like the years stretching before us. Our futures were there, winding out like a path and it seemed like good was all that could come. I knew better; now that my secret was out I didn't have many reason to smile.
"Hi Theresa," I said as her door swung open. Her brown eyes were swollen as if she had spent the past few nights crying. My heart hurt when I looked at her. Look what my confusion and indecision did to such a sweet girl. Theresa would always remember me as that boy. Her first love, the boy that smashed her heart into a million different pieces. And now I was waiting here for her to let me go. Let me free so she could stay alone and gather the pieces by herself.
I make myself sick.
"TJ." She said. She didn't even let me into her house. She just left the door open wide enough for her to squeeze her way through. She refused to look into my eyes, staring at the floor. "Why did you lie to me?"
"I never lied to you." I was lying to her about lying to her. Couldn't I prove I had a little integrity? I looked at her eyes and looked at the porch chairs. She followed me suite as we sat down. I felt a little at ease, but at the same time I was still scared.
"You told me you loved me. You were kissing Kristoff like he was the only person you cared about." Theresa whispered, her voice on the edge of tears. "Why couldn't you tell me there was someone else? Why couldn't you tell me you were gay?" She knew. She saw right through me like I was made of glass.
"I'M NOT GAY!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I felt my voice echoing inside of my head. How many times would I have to scream it until I would realize that I was gay? That I had feelings for boys? That I wasn't normal?
"Then why would you kiss him like that?!" She yelled. She was standing now, her tears flowing over her cheeks. "You should've at least broke up with me and then frolicked around like the faggot you are!"
I couldn't tell you how much I wanted to smack her right across her face. It took all the will power in my body not to break down right there in the middle of the lawn. I buried my face in the crook of my elbow and let out a groan. "Theresa, I'm sorry! I just wanted to give you at least that."
She never answered. All I felt was her foot coming down with all of the strength she could muster right down in my crotch. My body exploded with pain, and I screamed. I lurched forward and shielded my crotch just in case she wanted to make any more attacks.
"We're through, Taylor Jude. I'll give you all of your stuff, eventually." She growled. "Now get your ass off of my lawn."
I wasted no time bolting off of her property. Just like I was excited to see Kristoff, I was anxious to get away from her. Someone I had once loved with all of my heart was the sole reason propelling my running steps. The tears were cold against my cheeks as I ran home.
Run, run, running. The lying is all over. The truth will come out no matter what I can do. I was relieved and I was scared at the same time. I had to brave myself, I had to face it. I couldn't runaway from it. I couldn't sleep it away because when I woke up, it would still be there. I could escape my fate. It was waiting for me.
"She hurt you pretty badly, huh?" Kristoff's voice is barely a whisper in the quiet of the room. We were in his bedroom. The walls were as black as night, and the surrounding furniture and doors were all white. It was a breathtaking contrast.
Kristoff was the first person I had ran to when I got the chance, he was the first (aside whoever Theresa told) to hear about the break-up. He was sitting on his bed, swinging his legs back and forth while I was laying across the bed with my head in his lap gazing up into his face.
His blue eyes are filled with care as he strokes his fingers across the side of my blanched face.
None of my previous injuries could ever match the pain and fear I was feeling now. They seemed like the only emotions I knew anymore. Kristoff's beautiful pale face gazing down on me lovingly. I didn't deserve this. Someone as horrid as I could never deserve love from someone as sweet as Kristoff.
I opened my mouth to murmur words that would put him at ease, but I failed to find anything. Sobs burbled up from my throat, and before I knew it his lovely face was blurred in a pool of tears. I was ruined. My heart ached at just the thought of the way people would perceive me once they knew that I was. . .
I couldn't even bring myself to think the words. Kristoff wrapped his arms around me and hushed me quietly. He kissed the top of my forehead and whispered sweet words.
I was looking at a lifetime of discrimination, a life of hate. I know there are other people that are gay out there, but at the moment I couldn't imagine anyone who could help me. I would never truly belong, at least not in this life.
"What am I going to do? Kris, what'll I. . ." The rest of my words were choked out by whimpers. "I can't pretend anymore."
"You should be happy." Kristoff said oddly. "Listen, TJ, you don't have to act like you're straight anymore. You don't have to hold it all in anymore. Be true to yourself, TJ."
Kristoff was beginning to sound like the words in my religion text book. Be true to myself? I was disgusted with myself. I had become a part of the single most hated people in the world: the homosexuals. I wasn't going to lie to myself anymore, I was no where near straight.
"TJ, being gay doesn't mean you're not the TJ you were a month ago. Being gay doesn't define who you are as a person, and the people who believe that it does are idiots. TJ, you're still loved. Just be open with yourself, please TJ."
His words fell on my ears in such a way it brought tears to my eyes. I choked back tears and stroked the pale hand of his that was on face. "I-I can't."
"So what are you going to do then? Dye your hair, wear contacts, change your name and move to a different city and start over? I'd miss you too much, TJ. Honestly, I wish I could show you how to love you." Kristoff continued. He brushed my hair out of my eyes and wiped the tears from my eyes. He drew his thumb along my bottom lip sending shivers down my spine.
He leaned into me, our lips finding each other. Kristoff's hands slipped underneath me and pulled me next to him on the bed. His lips lingered on mine, sucking and tasting. My face grew hot quickly; he was good. I was beginning to feel weak, almost as if I would let him ravage me here in the room. I found the voice within me and put my hands on his shoulders. "Not today, Kristoff. I can't-" Kristoff stopped me by putting a finger on my lips.
"Close your eyes." Kristoff said, his blue eyes watched me intently before snapping shut themselves. He pulled me against his body, and just as I was prepared to push him away again he just stopped. "Can't I just enjoy sometime with my new boyfriend?" He asked with a smile.
Another sob caught in my throat, but it wasn't a cry of despair. I was still afraid to go forward with my life, having to face all that prejudice, but I had a slim thread of hope. Kristoff was like- no he was sent from God. If he wasn't so kind, I don't think I would've had enough faith to go on with the future. I knew I had a long, winding path ahead of me. As long as I had someone to hold my and help me go along, I think I'll survive.
But that's not all Kristoff did to me. He broke down the fake walls I had take so many years to build up. Brick by brick, all of my work was undone. He showed me who the real me was, he brought it to surface. He opened a door that couldn't be shut, and I knew I had to continue on.
There was no turning back.