FADE IN:

INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY

After the opening credits, the GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM is

shown. BRIAN and STEWIE sit on the couch, watching TV.

ANGLE ON TV.

HOST (OS)

We now return to The O'Reilly

Factor.

BILL O'REILLY appears onscreen, looking murderous.

BILL O'REILLY

And another thing about President

Obama and his stupid tax plans

taking my hard-earned money I get

from sitting around in a studio

and shooting off my mouth like a

moron and giving it to a single

mother who works two jobs just to

feed her kids! I wasn't able to

make the down payment on my new

Ferrari! Don't he and his type

have better things to do, like

pick cotton or have sex with

Thomas Jefferson!

His BABBLE now is unintelligible. Brian looks like he could

kill himself.

BRIAN

Oh God...I'm going to turn this

off.

STEWIE

Wait, Brian, no! I want to make

you a proposal!

Brian JUMPS off the couch.

BRIAN

WHAT??

STEWIE

A bet! I mean a bet!

BRIAN

You have ten seconds before I turn

that crap off for good.

2.

STEWIE

Ok..ok..so listen to this. Let's

have a contest to see who can turn

it off last.

Brian MULLS THIS OVER. He hates Bill O'Reilly, but maybe he

can get something out of Stewie...

BRIAN

OK...fine. But if you turn it off

first and I win, you can't talk

for a week.

STEWIE

Fine, fine. And if I win, you have

to close your eyes, then open them

and have sex with the first person

you see.

He SMILES: demonic and also horny.

BRIAN

Alright, fine.

They both sit down on the couch, listening to the

NONSENSICAL BLATHER, their faces CONTORTED in utter disgust.

BRIAN

Oh God, I can't take it anymore!

He RUNS over to the TV and TURNS IT OFF.

STEWIE

Ha ha! I win! Now you have to

close your eyes and have sex with

the first thing you see!

Brian GRUMBLES and CLOSES HIS EYES.

Stewie runs in front of the TV and POSES suggestively, like

an Abercrombie & Fitch model.

BRIAN

You know what...maybe I shouldn't

open my eyes here, because the

only thing I see is Bill O'Reilly,

and, you know...

Stewie WILTS, then realizes he can still make his scheme

work.

3.

STEWIE

Alright. Here, Brian, I'll lead

you to the door. You can look

outside, and remember, the first

person you see!

He takes Brian by the hand and LEADS him by the door, then

flings it open, gets in front of Brian, and POSES again.

Brian opens his eyes and looks straight ahead. Stewie is not

tall enough to be at Brian's eye level.

BRIAN

Nope, don't see anybody yet...

Stewie starts JUMPING. Brian still can't see him.

STEWIE

Ooh! Brian! Down here!

Brian's POV: Brian's girlfriend, Jillian, walks into the

shot.

BRIAN

Here we go. Hey, Jillian! Wanna

have sex?

JILLIAN

Sure! With butterscotch on it!

STEWIE

You know, er, Brian...this

butterscotch thing...she may not

quite know what she's talking

about, maybe you might want to

find someone else?

BRIAN

Nah, she'll find a use for it.

He WAVES her in, then SLAMS the door. Angle on Stewie, who

is seething.

STEWIE

BLAST!

INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Brian and Jillian are under the sheets. The bed is rocking.

4.

BRIAN (OS)

Oh, NOW I see what you wanted the

butterscotch...oh YEAH...

JILLIAN (OS)

Oh YES! You know Brian, this

reminds me of the time I was in

first grade...I was so excited, I

got an F PLUS on a test!

Peter BARGES into the room.

PETER

Uh, hey, Brian, I'm gonna go see a

movie. You want to come with me?

Brian EMERGES from under the covers.

BRIAN

Peter, I don't know if that's a

good idea. You're too easily

influenced. Remember when you went

to see Slumdog Millionaire and

then went on that game show?

INT. FLASHBACK--TV STUDIO - DAY

Peter is playing Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

GAME SHOW HOST

And your first question, for

$100...

Angle on Peter. The question and answers appear below his

head, like on TV.

GAME SHOW HOST (OS)

What is generally accepted as the

color of the sky? A) Red, B) Blue,

C) White, D) Jack Hobbs.

PETER

Uh...can I use a 50/50?

Angle on Host, PERPLEXED.

GAME SHOW HOST

You WHAT? OK, you can use a 50/50.

A and C are eliminated.

5.

PETER

I'm gonna go with D, Jack Hobbs.

GAME SHOW HOST

But why not B, Blue?

PETER

And why not D, Jack Hobbs?

GAME SHOW HOST

Because only an idiot would think

that Jack Hobbs is the color of

the sky.

PETER

Oh? Well, it just so happens, my

good sir, that you wrote B in the

bathroom mirror to feed me the

wrong answer because you want me

off the show. So I'm gonna say

it's D, Jack Hobbs.

GAME SHOW HOST

Fine. You're wrong. You're an

idiot. Goodbye.

PETER

Wait wait wait hold on a second.

Can I phone a friend?

GAME SHOW HOST

But you just got kicked---FINE,

YOU CAN PHONE A FRIEND!

LOIS (VO)

Hello?

PETER

Latika! Latika!

LOIS (VO)

Peter, what the hell is going on

here?

PETER

Hey, Latika, do you know what the

third musketeer is? 'Cause I know

there's chocolate and there's

mint, and I was kinda thinking the

third one might be peanut butter,

but I'm not sure...

6.

GAME SHOW HOST

SECURITY!

TWO BURLY MEN burst in, SLAP Peter around the face a little,

then DRAG him off. As he's being taken away, he says,

PITIFULLY and DRAMATICALLY:

PETER

I knew...the answers.

INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM - DAY

PETER

Eh...maybe, Brian, but I really

really want to go see this movie.

BRIAN

Why.

PETER

'Cause I heard there'd be boobies.

(beat) There's an Oscar winner in

it....

BRIAN

Oh, all right.

He CLIMBS out of bed.

BRIAN

Jillian, do you think you can

scoop all that butterscotch into a

jar and save it for next time?

JILLIAN

Uh-huh!

BRIAN

OK, Peter, let's go. But you have

to buy me a box of Raisinets. And

a medium coke.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

Brian and Peter are sitting in a NEARLY EMPTY theatre with

their Raisinets and Coke. Angle on SCREEN. The title comes

up: I Run Around With A Mullet And Shoot People And

Generally Look Badass Without Physically Exerting Myself Or

Acting At All.

7.

BRIAN

What kind of Oscar winner would be

in THIS?

Angle on screen. Titles: Starring Academy-Award winner (who

will make a special appearance at the Quahog regional fair

tomorrow)...

BRIAN

Please God no...

Title on screen reads: Nicolas Cage.

BRIAN

Goddamn!

Peter's CELL PHONE rings. He answers.

PETER

Hello?

FEMALE VOICE

You have ten seconds.

PETER

Brian, I think we should leave.

BRIAN

My thoughts exactly.

They dart out of the theatre. A split second after, NICOLAS

CAGE comes onscreen with a GUN and a MULLET, facing two

THUGS. He deadpans emotionlessly:

NICOLAS CAGE

I am going to kill you.

THUG

Oh no.

Nicolas Cage shoots the THUG, who falls.

THUG

I am dead.

The remaining moviegoers disintegrate.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

Brian and Peter walk morosely down the street.

8.

BRIAN

Nicolas Cage used to be a good

actor...Leaving Las Vegas, hell,

even Guarding Tess...he just needs

someone to turn his career around.

PETER

Hey, it said he was gonna be at

the fair tomorrow. Why don't you

try and convince him to star in

better films.

BRIAN

OK. But you have to come too.

PETER

Aw, man, Brian, I'm no good at

convincing people. Remember that

John McCain rally?

EXT. FLASHBACK--RALLY - DAY

Peter runs up to John McCain at a GOP rally.

PETER

Mr. McCain, I'm broke. Can I have

some money?

JOHN MCCAIN

Are you rich?

PETER

No.

JOHN MCCAIN

Then no.

PETER

Aw, c'mon, man, all my stocks

crashed.

JOHN MCCAIN

No.

PETER

I got three kids!

JOHN MCCAIN

No. Cindy?

Cindy McCain BURSTS into the shot and busts some kung-fu

moves on Peter's ass.

9.

EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY

The family, sans Lois, walks through the fair.

CHRIS

Hey, Dad? Why didn't Mom come?

PETER

'Cause she's a girl, son. Girls

stay home and cook.

CHRIS

Then why's Meg here?

PETER

Why's Meg...wait...you mean...she

IS?

BRIAN

Peter, she's your DAUGHTER.

PETER

I just assumed, you know, her

thing was really small...

MEG

DAD!

PETER

Hey, why don't you three go on a

little male bonding time? Ride the

ferris wheel or something.

Chris jumps up and down, clapping.

CHRIS

Yay! Meg, I wanted to introduce

you to my lunch. His name was

Dick, and he was a hot dog, and he

really wanted to meet you, but I

said 'That's MY sister, pal,' but

he's doing evil things to my belly

and I think we should do what he

says.

Cut to: Five minutes later, in front of the Ride of Doom, an

elaborate roller coaster. Stewie, Meg, and Chris behold it

in awe.

CHRIS

Awesome! I wanna ride!

10.

MEG

That looks SO cool.

STEWIE

Excellent. Ride of Doom...

Meg PATS Stewie's head.

MEG

Sorry, Stewie. Maybe when you're

older.

Meg and Chris head off into the ride JOYFULLY. Stewie

seethes.

STEWIE

Blast!

Cut to: The other side of the fair. Peter and Brian are

trying to get to Nicolas Cage, who's surrounded by a mass of

bodyguards.

BRIAN

Hi, we need to see Nicolas Cage.

It's urgent.

BODYGUARD

No.

BRIAN

C'mon, I'll give you twenty

dollars.

BODYGUARD

Nobody goes to see Nicolas Cage,

no way, no how.

PETER

Oh yeah? Well, we'll see about

that.

He SHOVES a bodyguard, who falls. He's a cardboard cutout,

and he causes all the other cardboard cutouts behind him to

fall, until only the original bodyguard is left standing.

Brian and Peter turn around, and behind them is the VERIZON

GUY with his crew, smiling. The Verizon Guy winks.

Peter and Brain wade through the sea of CARDBOARD CUTOUTS to

NICOLAS CAGE, who is standing to the side of a stage and

mumbling to himself.

11.

BRIAN

Man, these guys are even less

competent than airport security on

9/11!

INT. FLASHBACK--AIRPORT - DAY

Two TERRORISTS approach a security checkpoint with backpacks

and put their bags on a conveyer belt. A SECURITY GUARD

comes up to them.

SECURITY GUARD

Hey there! Our X-ray machine is

broken today, so I'm just gonna

have to examine these with my

X-RAY VISION GOGGLES!

He puts on a pair of CHEAPO X-RAY SPECS and DANCES AROUND.

SECURITY GUARD

OOH! OOH! (stops) You got any guns

in there?

TERRORIST 1

No.

SECURITY GUARD

OK, you can go.

TERRORIST 2

PRAISE ALLAH!

Terrorist 1 SLAPS Terrorist 2.

SECURITY GUARD

What was that?

TERRORIST 2

(meekly)

Nothing.

EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY

Peter and Brian reach Nicolas Cage.

BRIAN

Mr. Cage! Thank goodness we found

you. I'm Brian Griffin, and I was

a huge fan of you...Leaving Las

Vegas, heck, you were my idol. But

now...Mr. Cage, you have made

nothing but crap for the last ten

(MORE)

12.

BRIAN (cont'd)

years, and we're here to save you

from yourself.

PETER

This is an INTERVENTION, Mr. Cage.

We're doing this because we love

you.

Cage REFLECTS.

NICOLAS CAGE

You know what? Maybe you guys are

right. I was about to reject a

role where I play a Nazi

concentration camp officer who

smuggles out Jews in the middle of

the night for a role where I play

a guy with a mullet whose family

is kidnapped and I have to run

around and find them. But you guys

have helped me realize that I am a

better actor than that. Those kind

of films are for Harrison Ford.

Harrison Ford jumps out from behind a bush.

HARRISON FORD

I heard that! You monster!

He RUNS AWAY, SOBBING.

NICOLAS CAGE

It's not often people give me such

insightful advice, so for saving

my career, I have a little reward

for you too.

Peter jumps up and down.

PETER

Ooh! Ooh! Will you take us to get

ice cream? Please please please

please please?

NICOLAS CAGE

No.

Peter curls up in a ball on the ground and SOBS.

PETER

WAH!

13.

NICOLAS CAGE

But I will give you a movie

ticket--good for eternity, and for

any movie you want to see.

BRIAN

A lifetime of free movies? Wow,

Mr. Cage. Thank you!

NICOLAS CAGE

Thanks. Listen, I've gotta go to

Hollywood and start playing that

Nazi general. Tell everyone that

Nicolas Cage was here, and that he

has promised, from now on, to make

good movies!

He ROCKETS off into the sky. SUPERMAN!

PETER

Goodbye, Nicolas Cage. (wipes a

tear) I'll miss you.

EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY

Meg and Chris get off the ride, DAZED.

MEG

Wow...that was AWESOME.

CHRIS

Ha! That was more fun than when we

did the trust fall in gym class!

INT. FLASHBACK--GYM - DAY

A pretty THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL with a huge BOSOM is

standing on a stage. Below are her CLASSMATES, among them

Chris, with his hands outstretched.

CLASSMATES

ARE YOU READY TO FALL?

GIRL

If you're ready to catch.

CLASSMATES

TRUST US!

GIRL

I trust you!

14.

She BITES HER LIP, then free-falls face-first off the stage

in such away so that Chris' hands are right there to catch

her breasts.

CHRIS

Oh yeah...

EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY

MEG

Hey, where's Stewie?

EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY

Stewie walks down the midway, where a BARKER in a BOOTH next

to a surly-looking MERCENARY is calling out:

BARKER

AIR RIFLE CONTEST! HIT THE

BULLSEYE AND YOU WIN A FREE

AFRICAN MERCENARY!

Stewie RUNS UP.

STEWIE

Ooh! I've always wanted one of

those!

BARKER

Whoa, little fella. You come back

when you're a big boy, now.

He points to a sign: You must be this tall to win mercenary.

It is easily taller than Stewie.

STEWIE

But what about Napoleon? Surely

his diminutive stature didn't

prevent him from raising an army!

NAPOLEON walks up to the booth. He is just tall enough to

reach the sign.

NAPOLEON

I would like to win the mercenary.

STEWIE

BLAST!

Stewie storms off into a deserted part of the carnival.

15.

STEWIE

What do they know, anyway? I

swear, sometimes I hate being so--

He finds himself staring straight up at the ZOLTAR SPEAKS

machine from BIG.

STEWIE

--small. (beat) Ooh! Ooh! You're

the machine from Big!

He pops a quarter in the slot.

STEWIE

Make me big, damn you, make me

big!

A beat. Nothing.

STEWIE

Well? Get on with it.

Nothing.

STEWIE

Very well then. You come with me.

You'll talk. I'll persuade you. I

have ways, Zoltar.

He DRAGS it off.

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

Peter and Brian are standing outside a theatre, looking at

POSTERS.

BRIAN

Wow. Look at this. This has to be

the best movie of all time. Juno

and Dustin Hoffman, who plays an

autistic, bond while traveling the

country in a VW bus to go to LA

and play 'Who wants to be a

Millionaire' and picking up two

gay cowboy hitchikers. And the

tagline is 'Life is like a box of

chocolates.

PETER

What's it called?

16.

BRIAN

Little Miss Juno Slumdog Gump and

Rain Man go to Brokeback Mountain.

PETER

Whatever. Ooh, look! National

Lampoon Gets Naked.

He gestures toward a poster of a baby-faced 20-year-old STAR

surrounded by HOOKERS in skimpy outfits.

BRIAN

Peter, why would you want to see

that? It's junk. What if Chris

knew you saw that junk? You'd be

setting a worse example than that

mother bird.

INT. FLASHBACK--BIRD HOUSE - DAY

A MOTHER BIRD and a FATHER BIRD sit on a couch, facing a

TEENAGE GIRL BIRD who is obviously in some type of trouble.

PAPA BIRD

Kimberly, we got a call from your

school today. The custodian caught

you throwing up lunch in the

bathroom. Kimberly, you know

that's unhealthy for you! You have

no problem with your weight

whatsoever, you're a beautiful

bird. Now I don't want to hear any

more about--

A BABY BOY BIRD walks into the living room.

BABY BIRD

Momma, I'm hungry.

He opens his mouth. The mama bird VOMITS into it.

PAPA BIRD

Patty, you're not helping.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

Tears well in Peter's eyes.

PETER

Why, Brian? WHY would you say such

a thing!

17.

BRIAN

Because it's true!

PETER

It is NOT! You probably go around

telling little kids that Santa

Claus isn't real, too.

BRIAN

I wouldn't do THAT! Only a

complete loser would do that.

EXT. FLASHBACK--STREET - DAY

A small CHILD is walking down a suburban street.

VOICE (OS)

Psst! Hey! Kid!

The kid turns around. The noise is coming from a BUSH.

VOICE (OS)

Get in here!

The kid obediently climbs in. Inside is former President

GEORGE W. BUSH.

BUSH

Y'know that Iraq War thing on the

TV your parents are always yellin'

about?

The kid NODS.

BUSH

Well, it ain't real. There are no

nucular weapons. That's just file

footage from the Gulf War. It's a

front for my secret investigation.

It took me seven years and 800

billion dollars, but, kid, I

figured it out--Santa ain't real.

The kid SOBS. Bush puts his arm around the kid and starts to

cry as well.

BUSH

I know, I know...I'm sad too.

18.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

PETER

I'm hurt, Brian, do you know that?

You have crushed my dreams, Brian.

You have crushed my dreams.

A beat. They STARE at each other, Peter chomping at the bit

for sympathy. Brian responds unrelentingly:

BRIAN

We're still going to see Little

Miss Juno Slumdog Gump and Rain

Man go to Brokeback Mountain.

PETER

(overlapping)

Crushed. My. Dreams.

INT. THE GRIFFINS' BASEMENT - DAY

Stewie has Zoltar strapped down to a table. Rupert sits on

the ground next to it. Stewie PACES.

STEWIE

Zoltar, I want us to handle this

as peacefully as possible. I'm not

a violent person by nature, you

know. It's just that I want so

many unattainable things and I

will use any means to get them.

But so help me, if you refuse to

cooperate, I'll make you wish you

had never been manufactured. So,

all I want is for you to make me

big, and then I will release you.

Are we clear on this?

He CLOSES HIS EYES and WAITS to be transformed. It doesn't

happen, so he opens his eyes and becomes quite IRATE.

STEWIE

Well, then, by God, I'll make you

talk! Rupert, hand me the riding

crop! (beat) Must I do everything

myself?

He picks up the RIDING CROP and starts BEATING Zoltar with

it, savagely. He CHUCKLES lightly to himself.

19.

STEWIE

Oh, you're a BAD Zoltar, yes, yes,

you're a naughty, NAUGHTY machine.

Do you know just what I'm going to

do to you, Zoltar, if you don't

give me the information, you bad,

bad--Oh my Lord, I'm enjoying

this! Rupert, leave the room!

Rupert, because he is a stuffed bear, does not leave the room.

STEWIE

Well, fine, but don't tell a soul,

you understand? Now, where were

we?

He turns back to Zoltar, then, as if it is saying something,

puts his EAR to the machine.

STEWIE

Oh, I say, you're willing to talk

now? (beat) So you'll make me big?

(beat) And what conditions would

those be? (beat) You want to go

outside? (beat) Fine. You'll get

your fresh air, Zoltar. But one

wrong move, and it's curtains for

you.

He turns to Rupert.

STEWIE

Do I sound like Al Pacino to you?

EXT. SPOONER STREET - DAY

Stewie is standing next to Zoltar, on the front porch.

STEWIE

Now turn me big.

He WAITS. Nothing.

STEWIE

Damn, damn, damn!

He KICKS the side of the house.

STEWIE

I wish I had someone here who

could throw this against the

ground--

20.

ALEX SMITH, in a San Francisco 49ers uniform, jumps out of a

BUSH, followed by JOEY HARRINGTON in a New Orleans Saints

uniform and KYLE BOLLER in a St. Louis Rams uniform.

ALEX SMITH

Did someone say throw?

STEWIE

Oh my lord, you're an NFL

quarterback! Here, help me throw

these grenades first.

He grabs a BACKPACK and starts pouring out GRENADES, then

abruptly stops.

STEWIE

Wait, who are you?

ALEX SMITH

I'm Alex Smith, and this is Joey

Harrington and Kyle Boller.

JOEY HARRINGTON

Hiya.

STEWIE

The failed first-round picks from

the 49ers, Lions, and Ravens?

KYLE BOLLER

Hey, not 'failed'...

STEWIE

You, Smith, didn't you only throw

one touchdown and eleven

interceptions your rookie year?

ALEX SMITH

And proud of it.

STEWIE

But that's pitiful!

ALEX SMITH

Are you kidding? You should be

happy, since you're asking me to

throw grenades! That proves I'm

better at hitting the other team

than us!

21.

STEWIE

No, I'm sorry, that's

just...that's just pitiful. All of

you, leave.

JOEY HARRINGTON

Aww...

KYLE BOLLER

I guess it's back to Playgirl

magazine.

They TRUDGE away sadly, but before they leave entirely,

HERBERT comes out of his house, holding a FOOTBALL.

HERBERT

Hey, boys. My, my, my, what big

strong arms you have. You wanna

play catch?

ALEX SMITH

Do we ever! C'mon guys, let's go!

They run into Herbert's HOUSE. Herbert smiles, and hobbles

back in, smiling and SINGING softly:

HERBERT

It's rainin' men...Hallelujah,

it's raining men...Amen...

He goes INSIDE.

Stewie looks DEFEATED.

STEWIE

Oh, it's no use. I guess I'll

always be hindered by my--

As he says this, he KICKS the machine. His FOOT goes through

the cheap plastic, and the machine starts SPARKING and

SHAKING. Stewie is enveloped by some sort of mystical GLARE,

and begins to grow.

STEWIE

My God, it's working! It's

working!

He is now the size of an adult, and still growing.

STEWIE

Goodness, I'm a giant!

22.

He spies the backpack of GRENADES on the ground, picks them

up, and starts throwing them.

STEWIE

Die, innocent law-abiding

citizens!

INT. TOWN HALL--ADAM WEST'S OFFICE - DAY

ADAM WEST is NAPPING in his office; his legs up on his desk.

A grenade crashes through the window and blows his right leg

off.

ADAM WEST

What was that? (beat) An

explosion?

He looks at his LEG, halfway across the room.

ADAM WEST

And where do you think YOU'RE

going? (beat) Are you trying to

secede from me, leg? Too good for

me, huh? (beat) Yes, bleed, leg.

Bleed in shame.

INT. QUAGMIRE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Quagmire is on a dating website when a GRENADE crashes

through the window and explodes his computer.

QUAGMIRE

Whoa! This is even more violent

than a lesbian porno!

INT. BEDROOM--LESBIAN PORNO - DAY

A HUSKY WOMAN is towering over a FRAGILE WOMAN, in a room

furnished only with a BED.

HUSKY WOMAN

Get on the bed, bitch!

She SHOVES the fragile woman onto the bed, then dives on her

and starts passionately KISSING. They start to take off

their clothes, when suddenly:

The husky woman pulls out a REVOLVER and pumps the fragile

woman full of LEAD.

23.

HUSKY WOMAN

AAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!

Then she throws a GRENADE and runs off.

EXT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Lois steps out of the STORE with some GROCERIES, and sees

the grenades.

LOIS

Oh my God, I left Stewie home

alone! I hope he's all right!

She opens her UMBRELLA and runs through the parking lot as

grenades fall around her. She starts her CAR and tears out

of the parking lot.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

PETER

Brian, c'mon, please?

BRIAN

I'm keeping the ticket. I won't

let it be used to see mindless

smut.

He starts to walk away.

PETER

Brian, please! Let's make up and

work this out. I feel worse than

that time I sneezed and farted at

the same time.

INT. SOCIAL EVENT - NIGHT

Peter and Lois are at some sort of fancy PARTY. Both of them

are dressed nicely, talking to a BUSINESSMAN.

PETER

...and so then I says to Chris,

Chris, you can't--excuse me.

He turns his head and SNEEZES loudly. At the same time, a

loud FART pops loose. Everyone stops and stares.

PETER

Uh-oh.

24.

Peter spontaneously combusts.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

PETER

Whatever. The point is...Brian,

please! I just want to make up and

be friends again! Is that so

wrong?

He begins to SNIVEL, so Brian turns back to him with the

ticket.

BRIAN

Oh, alright--

Peter grabs the TICKET, but Brian holds on. They pull back

and forth until the ticket miraculously FLIES out of both

their hands.

BRIAN

What the hell?

A gust of wind picks up the TICKET, seemingly blowing it

towards a WATER DRAIN. But then there is a brief GUST, and

the ticket VEERS off. Both Brian and Peter breathe a sigh of

relief.

Then, a large TRUCK comes along. The guys GASP in horror,

but miraculously the ticket goes under the truck and doesn't

get rolled over. They SIGH with relief.

Then, a CURIOUS DOG walks along, SNIFFING at things. He

pauses at the ticket. Peter and Brian gasp. But he PASSES

it, and they sigh with relief again.

Then, one of Stewie's GRENADES bounces into the frame. It

lands right on top of the ticket and EXPLODES.

PETER

I really didn't expect it to end

like that.

BRIAN

Neither did I, Peter. Neither did

I.

PETER

It was just like one of those

things where you never see it

coming, and then it's like BAM,

you know? Like, literally.

25.

BRIAN

I completely agree.

Long pause.

BRIAN

Just because we had a civil

conversation doesn't mean I'm not

still pissed at you.

EXT. SPOONER STREET - DAY

Giant Stewie is throwing grenades at everything.

STEWIE

Oh, this is wonderful! This is

amazing! I have complete control!

Accidentally, he steps on the Zoltar machine--and begins

shrinking.

STEWIE

What? No!!!

Lois' car SCREECHES up. She jumps out and picks him up.

LOIS

Oh, Stewie, thank goodness you're

all right! Let's get you inside.

INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY

Lois is setting Stewie in the playpen as Brian and Peter

come in glaring at each other.

BRIAN

All right, let's get this over

with. Friends?

PETER

Friends.

LOIS

Peter, I'm worried about Stewie. I

think he was stomping on his toys

out in the backyard. Maybe we

should take him to see a

psychologist.

26.

PETER

Lois, are you kidding? That's the

worst idea I've ever heard. It's

like hiring a bulimic

taste-tester.

INT. GRIFFIN KITCHEN - DAY

Peter sits in front of several DISHES OF FOOD. A

TASTE-TESTER is next to him.

PETER

OK. Try some of that, that, and

that, and tell me how it is.

The taste-tester tries it...and then VOMITS it on the floor.

TASTE TESTER

It's good.

PETER

Are you sure?

TASTE TESTER

Yeah, I'm sure.

PETER

Well...I can't really tell when

you're barfing it up like that.

TASTE TESTER

Oh, it's just a medical condition.

PETER

Yeah...but now, like, the food is

on the floor, and it's covered in

vomit, and...meh, I really don't

want to eat anymore.

INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY

Peter sits on the couch, facing the camera.

PETER

To all those offended by our show

today because we made fun of John

McCain and Big, I would like to

present you with my sincere

apologies. (beat) And if anyone

here is pissed because we made fun

of Nicolas Cage, you're just nuts.

27.

Nicolas Cage walks in the door, brandishing a gun.

NICOLAS CAGE

I'll get you for that!

PETER

No, you won't.

NICOLAS CAGE

Awww...

He walks out the door, his head hung in shame.

FADE OUT.