|The Scribblings of a Retard
Author: Megsi PM
."That's not a novel. That's the scribblings of a retard." Pretty much all this is... Just inane conversations, dreams and drunk moments that inspire me to write.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,376 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 08-18-10 - Published: 06-05-10 - id: 2814433
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
So everyone's funny when they're drunk... duh. Just a few of my favourite quotes that others have so nicely reminded me about.
I am the worst combination ever of drunken people. I'm all the bad ones, seriously. I am:
-The annoying one- Who interrupts your conversations.
-The random one- Who does the most stupid things... like, sleeps in trees.
-The emotional one- Who is verbally abusive and cries and hugs trees.
-The dumb one- Who has a five second memory and says the most stupid things.|
So yeah. Not fun because I definitely need a minder when I am drunk.
Standing in-between two fence posts with my arms outstretched trying to reach both at the same time.
Me: "Imagine if there was a fence here... I totally wouldn't be able to get to the other sides of the fence!"
Boy: (Moves to step through it, laughing)
Me: "NOOOOO! I'm a fence!"
Me: "Don't touch my hair! You'll use it as a wig!"
James: "Hey Liz! Hey! Don't you think Rose's hair looks like endoplasmic reticulum."
Me: "Oooh, it does." (Start stroking her hair) "Niiice endoplasmic reticulum. It's so soft... Must be smooth unlike the rough stuff... Nothing rough here."
Smooth E.R... Rough E.R. It's from Biology. I probably know more when I'm drunk.
Me: "What's your name?"
Rayne: "It's Rayne."
Me: "No it's not! Rain comes from the sky! You can't be called that!" (I start laughing)
Me: "Hey Billamus. Want some sauce?" (I move to wipe sauce on his hand but he moves it and I end up getting his jeans)
Billamus: "What's you do that for?!?"
Me: "You moved your hand!"
"... I didn't like your stupid pants anyway!"
Poor guy. I don't think he really appreciated his nickname... or the sauce.
Me: "That toilets name is Merlin!" (Laughing hysterically) "We can't go in there! Merlin is a boy's name! We're not boys!"
Kate: "You never go to the toilet anyway."
Me: (Seriously... Well as serious as you can get whilst drunk.) "You'll get aids if you go to the toilet."
I've just been to the toilet.
Me: "Hey! Guess what Jane! ...There's a poo in the sink! A poo!"
Random guy: (Talking about Chuck)
Me: "Hey! I know Chuck!"
Kate: (Laughing) "He's your brother."
(In the backseat getting driven home; we pull over suddenly)
Something is said about a rabbit...
Me: "Ooooh! Rabbits! Let's make it our pet! Rabbit! Rabbit! Rabbit!"
Boy: "Let's kill the rabbits."
Me: (Bouncing up and down in my seat) "Yeah!" (Suddenly I realise the guy driving was on crutches before... ) "Oh my god! You can't drive! You're a cripple! A cripple is driving and we're all drunk!" "...Where are we going?"
Driver: "Chuck's place."
Me: "I know Chuck!"
Pull up at my house.
Me: "Hey! This is my house! What are we doing here?"
Driver: "Seeing Chuck."
Me: "Oh! I know him! Where does he live?"
Driver: "Here. He's your brother."
Me: "Hey... Wait a minute... What are we doing at Chuck's place?"
I'm evidently quite dumb when I am drunk.
Also, it's totally ok guys. The guy had had a knee operation on his LEFT knee... I just couldn't process that in my state, so it was totally safe after all. YAY! Well, as safe as it can be when you have me in a car and I kept sticking my head up the front and distracting him.
I have made it inside my house.
Me: (Run into a chair) "OW! Stupid chair! Who put that there?! Who the fuck's house am I in anyway?"
Random: "Yours, ya stupid drunk."
My friend, May, is crying and my best friend, Kate, is explaining why to me... It's something to do with her boyfriend, and well, I don't really know because I wasn't paying attention but yeah...
Kate: "She's upset about Ashton. She doesn't know what to do."
Me: (Laughing)(To Kate) "You know what she should do?"
Me: (To May) (Still laughing)"You know what you should do?"
Me: "EAT SOME DIRT! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
...And then I ran away... No seriously, I did.
Oh, I am horrible guys because she was bawling I tell you, bawling.
I'm pretty drunk and the exchange student is trying to calm me down.
Me: "I need another drink. I should totally get another drink!"
Koh: "Liz... Calm down. You can't get another drink. You need to calm down."
I try to get up but he forcibly restrains me. I pout at him before getting distracted by another guy.
Me: "Catherine Kimber! Cattthhherine Kimber!" I point at him when I say this and he rolls his eyes and walks away again.
Koh: "Calm down Liz!"
Me: "How do you even know my name?"
Koh: "What? I don't know, I just do?"
Me: "But, seriously... How? It's sooo cool! How do you know my name?"
Koh: "Shut up."
The party was a mid-term exam reliever and during our GAT (General Achievement Test... I think) a lady had called out Cam's name as Catherine which is why I was saying that. I don't know about you, but I don't think he was very impressed. Also... I MISS KOH! He went back to Japan... And now me and I friends have no hot foreigners to perve on! Also, this isn't really funny at all... it's what I do afterwards that's funny but that's for another time :)
Talking to a guy with a beard.
Me: "Oh God! I love your beard! Seriously it's so cool! I want one! Do you think I could grow one?"
Bearded guy: (Laughing) "Thanks! Yeah, I reckon it'd look awesome!"
Me: "Really? Me too! We'll be beard twins!"
Bearded guy: (Laughs)
I see a cat and go over to pat it for a long time before going to talk to my friend.
Me: "Hey Em! Did you see that cat? I think it likes me! Yeah, I think I made friends with it!"
Em: (Laughing) "I'm sure you did Liz."
Me: "Do you think it likes me?"
Em: "Yes, Liz. I think it does."
Me: "Sometimes I check out other girls arses, but not in a 'oh, I'm a lesbian' way but in a 'man, I wish I had their arse' kind of way. And I used to check out Koh's all the time... Yeah he had a nice arse. But don't worry... You have quite a nice arse too. Yeah, when you've got those pants on and your shirt tucked in... Quite nice."
AJ: (Laughing) "I am so glad you're drunk Liz!"
Me: "HAHAHA. Oh, this is going to be awkward at school!"
Man I am retarded sometimes.
I am yet to speak to him again... I was so right
I feel like this isn't as funny as my sober quotes but I am a bad drunk who never remembers anything so you take what you get :P.
Hope my idiocy continues to amuse you :)