Mum: -pokes Dad up the bum while he is in bad sleep with the doona off him-
Dad: fucking arsehole!
Mum: yeah, it was

(Over MSN)
Me: I gave Andrew the story to read
Me: he's clueless as to what it's about
Me: I told him it was funny
G:
Me: yep
Me: I'll wait until he gets to /that/ bit
Me: I wish this could do italics
Me: it can't
Me: sucks
Me: balls
Me: Mitch does
Me: ahahaha
Me: he's a tool
G: ick, I know…he's such a wanker…ahahahaha, get it?
Me: ahahaha
Me: we should be comedians
Me: we'd be rich and famous
Me: and rich
Me: and famous
G: ahahahaha
Me: and shove it up their arses
G:
Me: or shove Harry up Mitch's arse
Me: they're both tools
Me: now that would be interesting
G: I don't think we'd /have/ to shove anything
Me: bahahahahahaha
G: I swear they're already shagging each other
Me: omg I forgot to say. Harry was in my maths last semester and halfway through class him and another guy went to the bathroom. I swear they were there for like over 15 minutes
G: ahaha! Noooooothing sus
Me: yeah….it's funny
Me: be even funnier if it was Mitch with him and not some random
Me: lolerz
Me: ewe. I wonder if Mitch and Harry hang out often behind S28 and S29??????? (AN: two classrooms at my school) Coz if you're behind there it's out of bounds so no one would see them…..hmmmmm this will involve some investigation….couldn't you imagine you and/or me sitting there watching and filming
Me: and possibly drooling if it's hot
G: ahahahahaha
G: I can so see them together
Me: yeah
Me: mental images
Me: ewe (AN: would be hot if it wasn't those two fuck wits)
G: ahahahahaha, well, they ARE hot but they know it so it doesn't count
Me: lolz

Dad: see that car in front of you Mel. Well, it's going to Japan
Me: wtf?
Dad: can you see it swimming? By the time you get to Japan it should arrive.

Matt: promote power steering!

Me: Mick! I feel really stupid doing this! -doing some side-ways crab walk involving me sticking my arse out-
Mick: you look it too -points to the corner- see that camera up there? I'm going to put it up on youtube! Speaking of youtube. I'm on youtube.
Me: -.- I know.
Mick: how'd you know that?
Me: you told me.
Mick: oh.

Funky: hold on a minute! I have to go to the toilet.
Feisty: me too.
Ikeda Yoshi: may I hold it for you?
Funky and Feisty: yes please!
Me and the rest of my class: O.o bwahaha haha!

G: yeah. But I'm not racist.
Me: same…but I hate America and Americans.
G: ahaha funny how that works. I'm so the same. I'm not racist….Except towards Americans.
Me: but who isn't?
G: everyone at school is like not racist but we hate Americans.
Me: and the Nazis. It's either the Nazis or the Americans.
G: Nazi's are idiots.
Me: that's why I put Americans in the same group as them.

Matt: beep, beep, beep, beep
Me: what are you doing making that noise?
Matt: It's my 'awkward silence detector!'
Me: I don't get it.
Matt: well, whenever it detects that an awkward silence is taking place it beeps. The other person then becomes so intrigued by what could be making that beeping noise that they ask. That's when I reply and we have a conversation about the 'awkward silence detector,' therefore eliminating the awkward silence. Genius, isn't it?
Me: hell yeah!
...
Matt and Tom K: Mr Baker! Mr Baker! Want to hear about our latest invention?

Me: so how did Mr Baker like your 'awkward silence detector'?
Matt: he absolutely loved it!

Me: -sitting in Maths doing Trigonometry- B cos…Get it? B cos, because! Ahaha!
Matt: or better yet, B cos A equals one.
Raad: what?
Matt: B cos A equals one

Question: what is on the floor of your closet?
Me: a hot, sexy guy who is bound and gagged…ahaha -but I forgot to put in the part about him being naked…ahaha, jokes! Jokes!-

Me: Dad, Dad, Dad Dad Dad!
Dad: yes, Mel?
Me: I forgot…

Kristie: -lying on the floor pretending to be a nerdy guy- I've read all the books Regina. I think I'm ready!
Audience: -silence…………………………- haha -funny laughter…………….realisation hits…….- ewe

Dad: your Mum likes a cockatoo (AN: like as in cock or two)

Matt: you like totally dinged my optic nerve!

Caitlin: Oh crap! I'm late! I better go before my mum eats my face off.
Me: I bet Matt would like to eat your face off.
Caitlin: oh, yeah.

Caitlin: Matt is such a girl.

Me: that's not kissing. It's sucking face.

Dad: it's not a sultana, Melanie. It's a dried up grape.
Mum: do you ever think about the shit that comes out of your mouth?

Brydie: the Geek (AN: from Gifts for the Geek) called me gorgeous!
Me: don't you think it's a little sad that he knows you so well he can call you that?

Dad: would you like your nipples greased Karen?
Mum: would I get better performance?
Dad: would you like them saliva greased or…?
Mum: you're getting silly in your old age.
Dad: hey, Karen. How about a root?
Mum: -sarcastic- Okay!
Dad: -mimicking mum- Okay…Okay…

Mr Valent: you don't want to go to a Japanese prison.
Chris C: don't drop the soap.

Me: hey, Mr Nash! What's the 'problem'?
Mr Nash: well, I can tell you that it's not Charlotte.
Charlotte/Chucky: what? Me, what? I don't get it! What did I do!
Me: you didn't do anything.
Chucky: I don't get it! Mel!

Me: it's quiet. I don't like it…Someone say something…Please.
Matt: aww, I'll talk for you Mel.
Mrs Walsh: I think you just did Matthew a favour.

Matt: you know the wog thing?
Me: the "Chick chick boom" bogan?
Matt: yeah. You know how we thought the fatter wog shot the skinnier wog? It turns out that the skinnier wog shot the fatter wog.
Me: what!? No way…But it didn't sound like it when she said it.
Matt: I know! But it was the skinnier wog!

Will H: you know that email Mrs Steffen sent out about her lost keys?
Me: oh, did you find them?
Will H: I typed in "reward, aye?" and put in a smiley face. I meant to hit forward but I accidentally replied.
Me: O.o bwahaha! Ohmigod! What did she say? Does Mrs Steffen even know you?
Will H: yeah, she does. She just asked if I had found them.
Me: have you?
Will H: no.

Me: Matt, I have a problem.
Matt: we already knew that.

Marila: I worked it out. Your sister's not a tool. She's a tool box.

Dad: Karen, wanna rub my balls?

Me: what's that?
Dad: it's bacon.
Me: what's the white stuff on it?
Dad: it's wog bacon.
Mum: that doesn't answer her question

...

Mum: John, did you want this normal bacon?
Me: oh, that must be Aussie bacon, then.

Dad: what are you moaning for? I haven't even put it in yet.

Steph: Hayden's good with all that dirty car stuff.
Me, Lachie and Hayden: O.o
Steph: -laughing- I mean he's good with his hands!
Me, Lachie and Hayden: O.o
Steph: no! I didn't mean it dirty!
Lachie: sure you didn't.

Dad: you suck!
Me: I'm gay, remember. -jokingly-
Dad: you lick!

Deda: where's Kristie?
Dad: zoo.
Me: she's seeing her family.

Me: what are you using that stupid thing for?
Dad: don't call it stupid.
Me: it's stupid. You're stupid. Your face is stupid.
Dad: quit looking in the mirror

Me: dad your fly's undone.
Dad: -shrugs- Like I care…Oh no!
Me: -realisation- You didn't?
Dad: it was like that over at Ray and Maria's! I took a piss before I left!

Me: do you even know the word 'inconspicuous?'
Kristie: no. What is it?

Dad: oh, did you want one?
Kristie: okay.
Dad: I'll go make you one, then.
Kristie: nah, I'm just joking.
Dad: you will have it. I'll pour it in your nose if I have to.
Kristie: but my head's too full.
Me: you mean your head is at its maximum possible size limit!
Kristie: nah! My head's just stretchy!
Me: bwahaha haha!!!

Matt: you know how when you get bitten by a snake you're supposed to suck the venom out? So, say I asked you to go camping with me and you agreed. Somehow you manage to get bitten on the pocky by a snake. Would it be gay if I sucked the poison out?

...

Matt: so the conditions that it's not gay are if you don't enjoy it and if it's limp.
Jack: what if you just do it really quickly?
Matt: but you don't want to seem too eager.

Kristie: did you know that my star sign, constellation thing looks like a dick?
Dad: well that explains a lot. A dick for a dick!
Me: bwahaha haha!

Me: oh, look. An eagle.
Mum: it's a hawk.
Me: same thing. Birds of prey, they kill stuff.

Me: there's a lot of Asians on that plane.

Mrs Omrod: I certainly wouldn't want to be living back in ancient Greek, being a woman. I wouldn't want to be a young boy either.

Introduction to ranggas by Kat and Matt:
Matt: so, if you're late for school, all you have to do is contact darcy with his ranga powers cos darcy gets up at 8 oclock and is done by 8 30 and leaves home at 8.30 and runs really really fast to school with his ranga powers and turns on microwaves without touching them. also, if you're late for class or you don't know which class you have next, you can contact him with your ranga powers and he'll use his ranga powers to find your class and get there really really quick. fully sick ranga. he can also control birds. thats what ranga powers do. what else can ranga powers do? uhmmm, forgot what else. ah huh! the ranga also has a telepathic connection with the red man at pedestrian crossings between they both have red hair so he knows when the lights are about to go green.
Kat: and hes best friends with the macdonalds dude with red hair, ronald macdonald
Matt: he gets free cheese burgers and a ranga mac. never underestimate the power of a ranga, or their hair colour.

Georgia: I can speak Japanese. Toshiba. Sushi.

Matt: being straight is for poofs

Mrs Omrod: Alex, your inbox is full.
Alex: ohmigod! I know! And I tried to delete it but the service is unavailable. And I'm freaking out 'cause what if people are trying to send me mail and I don't get it?
Mrs Omrod: the sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Mr Siketa: why would I put your dirty memory stick into my computer?
Chuckky: I've never used it before!
Mr Siketa: if I get a virus I'll know who to blame.

...

Mr Siketa: Mem 32. What's that?
Chuckky: it's a virus!

Me: achoo! Achoo!
Dad: les gus.
Me: no thanks!
(AN: les gus is Serbian for "lick my bum" but for some reason we've got this running joke in my family that it means bless you. I don't know why)

Mrs Kelliher: a stuffy room is a breeding ground for infections.
Loxton: oh well, it's warm. I'd rather get infected comfortably.
Luke: mmm…Infected.

Loxton: what's so special about Timezone?
Me: it's got air hockey.

Me: yeah, because you've got Lara, which is Upper class Hole. And then there's Corio, which is The Hole.
Matt: the only purpose Lara serves is to prevent the Werribee-ians from invading. But if, by chance, they do make through Lara alive, they generally get killed or scared off by Corio.

Matt: so I went to Sunbury on Friday. Now, normally it takes me two trains to get there. But because of all the wind a tree had fallen down on the line, so we stopped in Werribee, which is where we found out what happened. And all the Werribee-ian savages were like crowding around the train and it was so scary that no one got off the train. So we got on another train to go around a different way through Laverton.
Steph: ooh, risky.
Matt: I know. All the ferals were probably hiding somewhere waiting for the train to stop so they could attack us. And as we went passed we could see the tree that had fallen on the other track. We were like, "Aww, what!" It was the size of a stick! Five guys had been standing over it since the morning and it was still there. A toddler could have moved it! So, one guy was sitting there looking at it and scratching his head going, "Hmm, I think a tree might have fallen on the tracks." And his mate goes to him, "Oh, so that's what happened! I wondered why we were all here." So anyway we finally got to Footscray station. And then I still had to get to Sunbury. What normally takes about an hour and two trains got me there three hours late on three trains, three buses and two trams.

Patrick: Raad, I'm gonna have to kill you.
Raad: what!?
Patrick: black people are the cause of global warming, poverty, hunger and being poor. So if we kill them there won't be any poverty or global warming and bad stuff.

Matt: does this cloth smell like chloroform?

Me: Can I just say…If we were to kill and eat intellectually impaired people, I think we would only kill them. As people, we're very irrational and stupid, so I don't think we would also eat the dumb people for fear of catching their unintelligentness.

Dad: That's not wine, that's paint thinner.