My Life in Black and Blue

Chapter 15: How Deep is Your Love?

It was clear for me that Dean was not letting me get away this time. He decided to ride back to the hotel with us and just as we crossed the lobby of the hotel to disperse into our different rooms, he took my hand and asked me if I could sit with him for a while so we could talk.

I said yes, because it was time and we sat in the bar for the longest time, for a while it seemed like we couldn't even speak.

"I've missed you," Dean said after a while.

"I missed you too." I admitted.

"Other than Florence, we hadn't been apart more than two days since we were four." Dean said, he hadn't let go of my hand yet and was now playing with my fingers. "I hated when you went to Florence."

I laughed, "I was surprised you didn't stop me. You could have talked me out of it, you know? I was afraid those months a part would change us so much we couldn't be friends anymore. What if I didn't fit in your life when I came back?"

"I knew you would never forgive me if I did, it was your dream. And I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I could exist without you. Wanted to know who was Dean without Tess. It turned out I wasn't a joy to be around, by the way."

"But you can be without me."

"In theory, but I don't like it. You've always been the best thing about me." Dean said and let go of my hand momentarily to reach for his wallet. He opened and pulled out something from it, a small square of paper and laid it on the table. "You asked me earlier if I remembered that day, and I do. I remember everything." He pushed the paper toward me and I saw it was a wallet-sized photograph of the picture I had based my painting on, of the two of us smiling to the camera, still on his bike.

"You have had this in your wallet all these years?" I asked, looking at the frayed edges.

"Yeah. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I remember how you're trembling because you were so scared, but you still got on that bike with me and held me so tight I could hardly breathe. But then you began to laugh and I thought that, whatever happiness was, it sounded just like your laughter. You have always been the voice inside my head telling me I can do anything. When you're around I feel like a better man, just being in the same room."

"Oh," I said, staring at the picture because I couldn't look at him. "I have missed you too. And I missed you as well. Sometimes, the way we are, so close, so dependant of each other – it scares me."

"Me too, I guess that's part of why I behaved like I did. You already meant so much to me I didn't want to give you that much more power over me, but then you were gone and I realized it was all for nothing, you already had my heart, I had just been trying to fool myself."

I nodded. "I always tried to tell myself that as long as you didn't know what I really felt for you it was okay. As if that didn't make me pathetic."

"You're not pathetic,"

"But I was. And I was also lying to myself. In a way, I was blaming you for everything. That day, when we fought, you said no one had asked me to move in with you."

"I'm sorry I said that." He said, looking pained.

"I'm not. I was mad when you said it but you were sort of right. For a long time I blamed you for the things I didn't have the courage to do. Like painting. I told myself I couldn't do it because I had to be with you and keep your life in order and take care of you, but – as Jess pointed out – you have always been capable of looking after yourself."

"Yeah, but I've always liked having you fuss over me." Dean said with a smile. "I love the way you know everything about me. The way I can tell what you're thinking just by the tilt of our head and the light in your eyes."

"You have always claimed to be able to do that." I said, eyeing him suspiciously. "But I don't believe it."

"Right now you're thinking that if I kiss you, you'll let me."

"I'm not-" I began to protest but then he was kissing me and he proved to be right, dammit!

That was just the beginning of our night; we stayed there talking for hours and hours. We talked about our feelings, about what we had been doing while apart, about how things had to change if we wanted to stay in each other's lives.

It was almost four in the morning by the time we decided to go up to our rooms and call it a night. Of course, as soon as we got to the elevators we began to make out. It was just one of those things we couldn't help.

I leaned into him, after such a day with so many emotions going up and down, I was finally starting to feel tired and sleepy. Dean kissed my forehead and kept me close. He kept his arms around me as we walked toward the room – I wasn't sure if it was mine or his – and propped me against the wall while he opened the door.

"Up you go." He said, lifting me up and carrying me inside. Since Jess wasn't snoring on the bed I assumed it was his room.

"I should go to my room. Jess might be worried."

"She knows you're with me. And you'll probably only wake her up if you go there now."

"You're right." I said distractedly as he helped me undo my dress and took off my shoes. I flopped down on the bed and curled up. I was falling asleep fast and the last thing I remembered was Dean pulling me back toward him, his arms wrapped around me.

"Sleep, baby."

"Okay." I mumbled and turned around. "But we are not done talking, yet."

"I know." He said and I could feel his chin in my hair as I snuggled closer.

-000-

End of Chapter 15